Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (12 page)

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Authors: David Mamet

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TENTH VARIATION

“It's A Crying Shame”

EMIL
:
It's a crying shame.
GEORGE
:
Eh?
EMIL
:
A crying piss-laden shame. A blot on our time. Gook on the scutcheon. Oil slicks from here to Africa.
GEORGE
:
Huh?
EMIL
:
They don't allow no smoking on ocean liners. One spark overboard and the whole ocean goes.
GEORGE
:
Yeah?
EMIL
:
Oil-bearing ducks floating up dead on the beaches. Beaches closing. No place to swim. The surface of the sea is solid dying wildlife. In Australia . . . they're finding fish, they're going blind from lack of sun. New scary species are developing. They eat nothing but dead birds.
GEORGE
:
Yeah?
EMIL
:
Catfish.
GEORGE
:
. . . I think that's something different.
EMIL
:
Nevermore. Thrushes. No more the duck. Blue-jays.
Cardinals. Making the dead ocean their last home.
GEORGE
:
When I was young . . .
EMIL
:
Floating up dead on the beaches.
GEORGE
:
Around my house . . .
EMIL
:
Their lungs a sodden pulp of gasoline. They're made for something better than that.
GEORGE
:
In the springtime we used to . . .
EMIL
:
Can't even burn leaves in the fall. We have to wrap them in Plastic. Next we'll have to wrap each leaf individually. Little envelopes for each leaf, it shouldn't contaminate us with the vapors. Little numbered packets.
GEORGE
:
Our lawn was.
EMIL
:
What?
GEORGE
:
Eh?
EMIL
:
What was your lawn?
GEORGE
:
I forget.
EMIL
:
Can you imagine, being the last man alive to have seen a blue heron? Or a wild buffalo?
GEORGE
:
No man can live in the path of a wild buffalo.
EMIL
:
All right. A regular buffalo, then.
GEORGE
:
They got ‘em at the zoo.
EMIL
:
Buffaloes?
GEORGE
:
Yeah, they got plenty of ‘em.
EMIL
:
But that's in captivity.
GEORGE
:
I should hope so.
EMIL
:
Well, in any case, you see my point.
GEORGE
:
Yes . . .
EMIL
:
Well, that's the point I was trying to make.

 

ELEVENTH VARIATION

“You Know, I Remember”

GEORGE
:
You know, I remember reading somewhere . . .
EMIL
:
Please.
GEORGE
:
All right.
EMIL
:
I hurt your feelings.
GEORGE
:
Yes.
EMIL
:
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
:
I know.
EMIL
:
There is no excuse for that.
GEORGE
:
It's all right.
EMIL
:
What were you gonna say?
GEORGE
:
About the balance of nature.
EMIL
:
Yes?
GEORGE
:
Being dependent on one of the Professional Spectator Sports.
EMIL
:
You're fulla shit.
GEORGE
:
For its continuation.
EMIL
:
What made you think of that?
GEORGE
:
I'm not sure.
EMIL
:
Some sport?
GEORGE
:
I don't know.
EMIL
:
Nature?
GEORGE
:
Perhaps.
EMIL
:
Do you remember which sport?
GEORGE
:
I . . . no, I wouldn't want to go on record as remembering. One of the Major League sports.
EMIL
:
Where did you read it?
GEORGE
:
I don't know.
The Reader's Digest
. . .
EMIL
:
Eh?
GEORGE
:
Also they've found a use for cancer.
EMIL
:
Knock wood.
GEORGE
:
It's about time. All the millions we spend on research, cigarettes . . .
EMIL
:
Wildlife.
GEORGE
:
Nothing wrong with spending money on Wildlife.
EMIL
:
It's all take, take, take.
GEORGE
:
Nature gives it back many times over.
EMIL
:
Yeah?
GEORGE
:
A blue heron at sunset.
EMIL
:
They're all dead . . .
GEORGE
:
A whiff of breeze from the lake . . .
EMIL
:
. . . or hiding.
GEORGE
:
A flight of Ducks.
EMIL
:
The duck is, after all, only a bird.
GEORGE
:
But what a bird.
EMIL
:
A pigeon, too, is a bird.
GEORGE
:
There's no comparison.
EMIL
:
What is the difference between a duck and a pigeon?
GEORGE
:
Basically, a lack of comparison.
EMIL
:
Aside from that?
GEORGE
:
It is a difference of . . . self-respect. You can't argue with that.
EMIL
:
I won't begin.
GEORGE
:
It wouldn't get you anywhere.
EMIL
:
Ha. Ha.
GEORGE
:
Big talk.
EMIL
:
I'm ready to back it up.
GEORGE
:
Oh yeah?
EMIL
:
Yeah.
GEORGE
:
All right.
EMIL
:
. . . anytime you're ready.
GEORGE
:
I'm ready.
EMIL
:
All right, then.
GEORGE
:
Are you ready?
EMIL
:
You betcha, Red Ryder.
GEORGE
:
Good.
EMIL
:
. . . Hey! What? Grownups squabbling about birds?
GEORGE
:
You started it.
EMIL
:
I beg to differ.
GEORGE
:
Go right ahead.
EMIL
:
All right, I
do
differ.
GEORGE
:
It makes no difference. I was holding an intelligent conversation and then you came along . . .
EMIL
:
And simply pointed out that you were turning something into a thing which it is not.
GEORGE
:
What is more noble than a duck.
EMIL
:
Depends on the duck.
GEORGE
:
Is a pigeon more noble than a duck.
EMIL
:
Are you saying that just because the duck is wild and has no rules . . .
GEORGE
:
No rules? No rules? No rules but the sun and the moon! No rules but the law of the seasons and when to go where at what specific time? No rules but to find a mate and cleave into her until death does him part?
EMIL
:
Is that true?
GEORCE
:
It surely is.
EMIL
:
That I didn't know.
GEORGE
:
Well, learn from your mistakes.
EMIL
:
I will.
GEORGE
:
No rules!
EMIL
:
All right.
GEORGE
:
One of the most rigid creatures.
EMIL
:
I'm sorry.
GEORGE
:
Did you know that many human societies are modeled on those of our animal friends?
EMIL
:
Pish.
GEORGE
:
I beg to differ about it.
EMIL
:
Pish foo.
GEORGE
:
The French, for example.
EMIL
:
Are modeled on animals?
GEORGE
:
Historically, yes.
EMIL
:
Where did you get that?
GEORGE
:
Some guide to France.
EMIL
:
I don't believe it.
GEORGE
:
I got it somewhere, I'll show you.
EMIL
:
You do that.
GEORGE
:
I will.
EMIL
:
You just do that.
GEORGE
:
Don't push me.
EMIL
:
I won't.
GEORGE
:
All right.
EMIL
:
Darn tootin’.

 

TWELFTH VARIATION

“Whenever I Think Of Wild Flying Things”

EMIL
:
Whenever I think of wild flying things I wonder.
GEORGE
:
Yes?
EMIL
:
If, in the City, as we are . . .
GEORGE
:
Yes?
EMIL
:
We maybe . . .
GEORGE
:
Yes?
EMIL
:
Forget it.
GEORGE
:
Ducks.
EMIL
:
Ducks.
GEORGE
:
Ducks. Flying wild.
EMIL
:
Wild over boundaries.
GEORGE
:
Lakes, rivers.
EMIL
:
Imaginary lines . . .
GEORGE
:
The Equator.
EMIL
:
Never minding . . . Never stopping . . .
GEORGE
:
Stopping for no man.
EMIL
:
High above unmanned terrain.
GEORGE
:
Barren.
EMIL
:
Unexplored North Country.
GEORGE
:
Naked. Strange.
EMIL
:
Here and there a Mountie.
GEORGE
:
Cold.
EMIL
:
Nowhere to rest.
GEORGE
:
What a life.
EMIL
:
Sleeping on the fly.
GEORGE
:
Blown by storms.
EMIL
:
You know, that is not a laughing matter . . .
GEORGE
:
Who's laughing?
EMIL
:
Much wildlife is, I am about to tell you, killed each year in storms and similar . . . things where they have a lot of wind.
GEORGE
:
Don't I know it.
EMIL
:
Another countless danger for the duck.
GEORGE
:
Frost, too.
EMIL
:
Hail.
GEORGE
:
Uh.
EMIL
:
Can you imagine it?
GEORGE
:
. . . Hail . . .
EMIL
:
Pelting the poor creature. Alone in the sky. Many feet in the air. He can't go right, he can't go left. . . .
GEORGE
:
Nowhere to go.
EMIL
:
Hail all over. Hitting him. Pelting him. Making ribbons of his wings. Creaming him out of the sky.
GEORGE
:
The Law of Life.
EMIL
:
That's what you say
now.
GEORGE
:
Some must die so others can live.
EMIL
:
But they must die, too.
GEORGE
:
So some must die so others can live a little longer. That's implied.
EMIL
:
And then
they
die.
GEORGE
:
Of course. So that others can live. It makes sense if you think about it.

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