Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (7 page)

DEBORAH
: All right. I
do.
Know.

DANNY
: Do we have any shampoo?

DEBORAH
: I don't know. Is your hair dirty?

DANNY
: Does my hair look dirty?

DEBORAH
: Does it feel dirty?
(Pause.)
It looks dirty.

DANNY
: It feels greasy. I hate it when my hair feels greasy.

DEBORAH
: Well, I'm not going to look. If you want to know if there's any shampoo, you go look for it.

DANNY
: You don't have to look. You know very well if there's any shampoo or not. You're making me be ridiculous about this.
(Pause.)
You wash yourself too much anyway. If you really
used
all that shit they tell you in
Cosmopolitan
(and you do) you'd be washing yourself from morning till night. Pouring derivatives on yourself all day long.

DEBORAH
: Will you love me when I'm old?

DANNY
: If you can manage to look eighteen, yes.

DEBORAH
: Now, that's very telling.

DANNY
: You think so?

DEBORAH
: Yes.

DANNY
: I'm going to wash my hair. Is there any shampoo?

DEBORAH
: Yes. And no.

DANNY
: Now what's that supposed to mean?

DEBORAH
: Everything. And nothing.
(Pause.)
Would you get my hose?

DANNY
: No. Where does this come from? This whole fucking behavior. You're making it up. “Get my hose.” You want your hose, I'll get your hose. Here's your fucking hose.
(Rummages in dresser.)
Where's your hose?
(Pause.)
What do they call them, anyway? Nobody says “hose.”

DEBORAH
: Pantyhose.

DANNY
: Where are they?

DEBORAH
: Get me some out of the laundry bag.

DANNY
: You're going to wear dirty hose?

DEBORAH
: I think I'm out of clean ones.

DANNY
: So you're going downtown in dirty hose?

DEBORAH
: Do you want me walking around with a naked la-la?

DANNY
: If it makes you happy, Deb. I'm on the side of whatever makes you happy.

DEB
retrieves dirty hose from bag and starts changing into them
.

DANNY
: You make me very horny.

DEBORAH
: It's the idea of the dirty panties, Dan. You're sick.

DANNY
: I love your breasts.

DEBORAH
: “Thank you.”
(Pause.)
Is that right?

DANNY
: Fuck you.

DEBORAH
: No hard feelings.

DANNY
: Who said there were?

DEBORAH
: You know there are.

DANNY
: Then why say there aren't?

DAN‘
S
office
,
DAN
is talking to an imaginary coworker
.

DANNY
: . . no, wait a second. Wait a second. I want to tell you this. I know what you're saying, and I'm telling you I don't like you badmouthing the guy, who happens to be a friend of mine. So just let me tell my story, okay?

So the other day we're up on six and it's past five and I'm late, and I'm having some troubles with my chick (this chick I've been seeing) and I push the button and the elevator doesn't come, and it doesn't come, and it doesn't come, so I lean back and I kick the shit out of it three or four times (I was really hot). And
he,
he puts his arm around my shoulder and he calms me down and he says, “Dan, Dan . . . don't go looking for affection from inanimate objects.”
(Pause.)
Huh?
(Pause.)
So I don't want to hear you badmouthing Bernie Litko.

DAN
and
DEB
in bed late at night
,
DEB
is sleeping
.

DANNY
: Deborah. Deb? Deb? You up?

Pause.

You sleeping?

Pause.

I can't sleep.

Pause
.

You asleep?

Pause
.

Huh?

Pause
.

You sleeping, Deb?

Pause.

What are you thinking about?

Pause
.

Deb?

Pause
.

Did I wake you up?

A movie theatre
.
DAN
and
BERNARD
are watching a pornographic movie
.

BERNIE
: Don't tell me that's that guy's joint. Whatever you do don't tell me that. That's not his joint. Tell me it's not his joint, Dan.

DANNY
: It's his joint.

BERNIE
: I don't want to hear it.

DANNY
: That's what it is.

BERNIE
: I don't want to hear it, so don't tell it to me. Nobody is hung like that. If that's his joint I'm going to go home and blow my brains out.

DANNY
: He probably used a stand-in.
(Pause.)

BERNIE
: I can't stand this. I can't fucking stand this.
Lookit
that broad!

DANNY
: Which one?

BERNIE
: Which
one?
The one she looks a little bit like whatsername.

DANNY
: Like Deborah?

BERNIE
: Yeah.

DANNY
: Which one is that?

BERNIE
: That one.

DANNY
: You think she looks like Deborah?

BERNIE
: Yeah. You see what I mean?

DANNY
: No. You think she's
pretty?

BERNIE
: Pretty? What the fuck are you talking about?
(Pause.)
You know this fucking house has changed.

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: I mean, they still got the guys jerkin’ off under the
Trib
in the front row . . .

DANNY
: World's Greatest Newspaper.

BERNIE
: . . . but they got a lot of scum in here now. Wait, now. Wait. Do you see that. Will you look at the fucking that?

DANNY
: What?

BERNIE
: That break in the action . . . they shifted scenes . . . where they changed the camera angle . . . you know why they do that? You know why? Because the guy
came
is why, and they shift angles and wait a while so it looks like he's fucking for hours. You see that?

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: These guys got no control.
(Pause.)
What was I saying?

DANNY
: How the house has changed.

BERNIE
: They got a lot of scum in here now. DO YOU SEE
THAT?
DO YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT?
(Pause.)
A woman blowing a man's natural. A woman blowing a dog's disgusting.
(Pause.)
Yeah, that's what I think, and I'm not ashamed to say it!

DAN
and
DEB
at their apartment. In the midst of an all-night argument
.

DEBORAH
: Oh, shut up.

DANNY
: I should shut up? Who's talking for the last twelve hours straight, huh?

DEBORAH
motions him away in disgust
.

DANNY
: . .. blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Jesus. Some people go home with the
Tribune.
You go home with me. Everything's fine. Sex, talk, life, everything. Until you want to get “closer,” to get “better.” Do you know what the fuck you want?

Push. You push me.

Why can't you just see it for what it is?

DEBORAH
: What?

DANNY
: Us.

DEBORAH
: And what is it?

DANNY
: What it is, no more, no less.

DEBORAH
: And what is that?

DANNY
: Don't give me this. Don't give me that look, Missy.

DEBORAH
: Or you're gonna what?

DANNY
: I don't mind physical violence. I just can't stand emotional violence.
(Pause.)
I'm sorry. I'm sorry Deb.
(Pause.)
I forget who I'm talking to. I'm sorry. You're very good for me. Come here.
(Pause.)
Come here.

DEBORAH
: No. You come here for christ's fucking sake. You want comfort, come get comfort. What am I, your toaster?

DANNY
: Cunt.

DEBORAH
: That's very good. “Cunt,” good. Get it out. Let it all out.

DANNY
: You cunt.

DEBORAH
: We've established that.

DANNY
: I try.

DEBORAH
: You try and try. You are misunderstood and depressed.

DANNY
: And you're no help.

DEBORAH
: No, I'm a hindrance. You're trying to understand women and I'm confusing you with information. “Cunt” won't do it. “Fuck” won't do it. No more magic. What are you
feeling.
Tell me what you're
feeling.
Jerk.