Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (3 page)

When you don't get laid, tomorrow's prayer has the extra added oomph of involuntary continence. But if you do get laid—think on that a moment, will you? If you do manage to moisten the old wick, how many people would stop, before, during or after, and give thanks to a just creator?

DAN
and
DEB
are in bed at his apartment
.

DANNY
: Well.

DEBORAH
: Well.

DANNY
: Yeah, well, hey . . . uh . . .
(Pause.)
I feel
great. (Pause.)
You?

DEBORAH
: Uh huh.

DANNY
: Yup.
(Pause.)
You, uh, you have to go to work (you work, right?) (
DEB
nods.)
You have to go to work tomorrow?

DEBORAH
: Yes. Well . . .

DANNY
: You're going home?

DEBORAH
: Do you want me to?

DANNY
: Only if you want to. Do you want to?

DEBORAH
: Do you want me to stay? I don't know if it's such a good idea that I stay here tonight.

DANNY
: Why?
(Pause.)
I'd like you to stay. If you'd like to.

DEB
nods
.

DANNY
: Well, then, all right, then. Huh?
(Pause.)

DEBORAH
: I like your apartment.

DANNY
: Yeah? I'm glad.

DEBORAH
: I like it here.

DANNY
: So, look, so tell me. How would you like to eat dinner with me tomorrow. If you're not doing anything. If you're not too busy. If you're busy it's not important.

DEBORAH
: I'd love to eat dinner with you tomorrow.

DANNY
: You would, huh?

DEBORAH
: Yes.

DANNY
: Well, okay, that's nice. That's very nice. I'm going to look forward to that.

DEBORAH
: I could come over here and cook.

DANNY
: You could.

DEBORAH
: Yes.

DANNY
: You could come over here and cook dinner, you'd like to do that?

DEBORAH
: Yes.

DANNY
: We could do that . . .

DEBORAH
: Sure.

DANNY
: Yeah. We could do that.
(Pause.)
Let's do that.

DEBORAH
: Okay.
(Pause.)
I'm not really a Lesbian.

DANNY
: No?

DEBORAH
: But I have had some Lesbianic experiences.

DANNY
: What, like going to bed with other women?

DEBORAH
: . . . and I enjoyed them.

DANNY
(pause):
Well, sure.
(Pause.)
You going to sleep?

DEBORAH
(sleepily):
Yes.

DANNY
(Pause):
You having a good time?

DEBORAH
(sleepily):
Yes.

DANNY
: That's good.
(Pause.)
Goodnight.

DEBORAH
: Goodnight.

Pause.

DANNY
: See you in the morning.

The next morning,
DEB
and
JOAN
at their apartment
.
DEB
enters
.

JOAN
: So what's he like?

DEBORAH
: Who?

JOAN
: Whoever you haven't been home, I haven't seen you in two days that you've been seeing.

DEBORAH
: Did you miss me?

JOAN
: No. Your plants died.
(Pause.)
I'm kidding. What's his name.

DEBORAH
: Danny.

JOAN
: What's he do?

DEBORAH
: He works in the Loop.

JOAN
: How wonderful for him.

DEBORAH
: He's an Assistant Office Manager.

JOAN
: That's nice, a job with a little upward mobility.

DEBORAH
: Don't be like that, Joan.

JOAN
: I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me.

DEBORAH
: How are things at school?

JOAN
: Swell. Life in the Primary Grades is a real picnic. The other kindergarten teacher got raped Tuesday.

DEBORAH
: How terrible.

JOAN
: What?

DEBORAH
: How terrible for her.

JOAN
: Well,
of course
it was terrible for her. Good Christ, Deborah, you really amaze me sometimes, you know that?

A bar
.
BERNARD
is seated at the bar; he is waiting.

BERNIE
: What do you have to do to get a drink in this place, come on a cracker?

DAN
and
DEB
appear
at the entrance to the bar.

DANNY
: You're going to like Bernie, you're going to like him a lot. Ah! Ask him to tell you about Korea, he has got some stories you are not going to believe.

BERNARD
spots them.

BERNIE
: Yo! Siddown, siddown, so what are you having?

They all sit down at a table
.

DANNY
: Deborah?

DEBORAH
: Jack Daniels on the Rocks.

BERNIE
: So she knows what she's talking about, huh?
(To
DEB
) Black or Green?

DEBORAH
: Black.

BERNIE
:
Okay.
And you?

DANNY
: The same.

BERNIE
: Right back.
(He goes to bar.)

DANNY
: Well, that's Bernie.

DEBORAH
: Seems like a nice enough sort of fellow.

DANNY
:
Hell
of a guy.

DEBORAH
: Is he coming with us to the movies?

BERNARD
comes back with drinks.

BERNIE
: So, actually, I'm Bernard Litko; friend and associate of your pal, Danny. And you're Deborah.

DEBORAH
: Deborah Soloman.

BERNIE
: Danny's been telling me a lot about you.

DEBORAH
: We only met Wednesday.

BERNIE
: He talks about you constantly.

DEBORAH
: No!

BERNIE
: Yes.

DEBORAH
: What does he say?

BERNIE
: All the usual things.

Pause.

DANNY
: Bernie was in Korea.

DEBORAH
: Really?

BERNIE
: Yeah. You see M
^*
A
^*
S
^*
H on TV?
(Pause.)
It all looks like that. There isn't one square inch of Korea that doesn't look like that.
(Pause.)
I'm not kidding.
(Pause.)

DEBORAH
: When were you there?

BERNIE
: ‘67.

DEBORAH
: Really? What were you doing in Korea in 1967?

Pause
.

BERNIE
: I'm really not at liberty to talk about it.

Pause.

So what do you do?

DEBORAH
: I'm an illustrator.

BERNIE
: Commercial artist, huh?

DEBORAH
: Yes.

BERNIE
: Lots of money in that. I mean, that's a hell of a field for a girl.

DANNY
: She's very good at it.

BERNIE
: I don't doubt it for a second. I mean,
look
at her for chrissakes. You're a very attractive woman. Anybody ever tell you that?
(Pause.)
Huh?
(Pause.)
So okay, so what sign are you?

DEBORAH
: Scorpio.

BERNIE
: Scorpio, huh? . . . Scorpio . . . how about that.

DEBORAH
: What sign are
you?

BERNIE
: Scorpio.

DEBORAH
: How about that. Danny's a Scorpio.

BERNIE
: You a Scorpio, Dan?

DANNY
: Yes.
(Pause.)

BERNIE
: Well, I don't want to say it, but it's a small fucking world.
(Pause.)
So you guys are hitting it off, huh? The two of you, you're hitting it on/off?

DEBORAH
: Well . . .

BERNIE
: What the hell, it's early.
(To
DAN)
You don't even know if she's a keeper yet, for chrissakes. You're young. What the hell.
(To
DEB
) How old are you?

DANNY
: Bernie, you know you're not supposed to ask a woman her age.

BERNIE
: Dan, Dan, these are modern times. What do you think this is,
the past?
Women are liberated. You got a right to be what age you are, and so do I, and so does Deborah.
(To
DEB
) Right?

DEBORAH
: Oh, I suppose so.

BERNIE
: So what are you? Eighteen . . . nineteen.

DEBORAH
: Actually, I'm twenty-three.

BERNIE
: Well, you don't look it.
(Pause.)
You know, you're a lucky guy, Dan. And I think you know what I'm talking about. You are one lucky guy. Yes sir,
you are one fortunate son of a bitch. And I think I know what I'm talking about.

DAN
and
BERNARD
are filing at the office.

BERNIE
: One thing, and I want to tell you that if everybody thought of this, Dan, we could do away with income tax (hand me one of those 12-12's, will ya?), there would be no more war (thanks), and you and I could dwell in Earthly Paradise today.
(Pause.)