Sexual Service (5 page)

Miss Flange had had her flange fucked, he mused - and recently. “There’s something afoot, Doctor Watson.”
Or a fanny.

Noticing a door ajar, Blond stole across the corridor and listened as male voices emanated from the room. It was the Prime Minister in conference with his cabinet members, Blond deduced. A little eavesdropping might well reveal the whereabouts of the infamous Moriarty, he mused. And if he was really lucky, he’d discover the whereabouts of Miss Flange and her well-juiced and recently well-fucked flange.

“The bastard Inland Revenue are the biggest fucking, cunting load of bastard thieves in the cunting land,” the PM growled.

41

Come the revolution,
Blond thought, nodding his head in agreement.
Fucking cunts!

“With all due respect, the banks are the biggest fucking thieves,” someone countered.

“No, it’s the church,” another rejoined. “They’re the biggest fucking land owners in the

...”

“Fuck the church,” the PM interjected. “And the pretty choir boys. What I meant was ...”

“We know what you meant, Prime Minister.”

“Yes, well ... The Inland Revenue are a bunch of thieving, fucking bastards. The point is, how are we going to tell the vulgar, fucking bastards of the common masses that MPs will no longer have to pay income tax?”

“Don’t tell them.”

“Fuck me, that’s an idea. I’m glad I thought of it. OK, let’s move on to the problem of MPs being caught on Clapham Common with their knobs sperming in rent boys’ mouths.”

This was worth listening to, Blond mused, looking up and down the corridor to check that the coast was clear.
MPs with rent boys?
Wondering whether there was such a thing as rent girls with shaved vaginal lips and hot, wet, tight, juicy cunts, he decided to take a stroll on the common that night.
Might get my knob sucked and my balls de-spunked
, he reflected, pressing his ear to the crack in the door.
Why are female knob suckers called prostitutes rather than rent
girls?

“I blame the fucking public,” the PM continued. “The interfering bastards go sneaking around the fucking common looking for members behaving badly.”

“It’s the members who are looking for members,” someone sniggered.

42

“If an MP can’t go to the common and have his cocked sucked to orgasm in peace, then I don’t know what this fucking country’s coming to. It’s high time we outlawed heterosexuals.”

“I agree, Prime Minister.”

“All they do is go on about ostracizing gays and lesbians. It’s time
they
were fucking ostracized. By the way, I’ve been onto Spew at Secret Service HQ. Obviously, as Prime Minister, I have to be seen to be doing the right thing. Spew’s going to have an agent look into the problem of sleaze within the government.”

“Is that wise, Prime Minister? I mean, how are we going to roam the common for rent boys if ...”

“Worry not, my friend. None of us will be exposed for exposing our dicks.”

“But ...”

“Spew has assigned Haynes Blond to the job.”

The room resounding with shrieks of laughter, Blond frowned.
The cheating, double-crossing bastard doesn’t want anyone exposed
, he thought angrily.
The whole thing’s a bloody
sham!
Rubbing his chin, he decided that this was war. But his first mission was to return Miss Flange and her sex-juiced and well-fucked flange to HQ.
Where to begin?
he pondered, massaging his erect cock through his boilersuit as he recalled the woman’s shaved vulval flesh.

Trying to put himself in the abductor’s shoes, he reckoned that the best place to hide a naked female agent would be in a cupboard.
I’m right so far,
he reflected happily, wondering what Holmes would have done.
So, where would I hide her next?

Standing outside the cupboard, he looked closely at the floor. He was in luck. There was a trail of fresh fanny juice leading to a staircase.
Interesting
, he mused, climbing the stairs. The 43

trail leading to a door marked, Minister for Governmental Cock-ups, he gingerly turned the knob.

The door creaking as it opened, he looked into the office at a young woman sitting at a desk.

Might as well go for broke
, he decided, walking boldly into the room and staring into the alluring depths of her mammary cleavage. He’d rather have looked into the alluring depths of her vaginal cleavage but she was sitting crossed-legged.

“May I help you?” the woman asked, looking up as Blond pictured her chocolate-brown nipples and licked his lips.

“That all depends on what it is you want,” he smiled.

“What
I
want?” she frowned.

“
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
. Rolling Stones, circa ...”

“Surely, it’s
you
who want something?”

“Do I? Oh, yes, how silly of me,” Blond chuckled. “I’m looking for a naked woman.”

“No problem. But first, what’s the password?”

“Password?” Blond echoed.

“You have to tell me the password.”

“Bollocks,” he returned. “I don’t know the fucking ...”

“Bollocks, that’s correct. Go through the door over there,” she said, pointing across the office. “The one marked,
brothel
. Fifty pounds up front.”

“I don’t have any cash with me.”

“Credit card?”

“No, my account’s been frozen by the Inland Revenue. Fucking cunts.”

“OK, you can owe it to me. Have fun.”

44

“Thanks. By the way, do you finger your cunt and rub your clitty to orgasm?” Blond sniggered.

“Several times a day. Have fun.”

Shaking his head disbelievingly, Blond crossed the room and opened the door. “Miss Flange,” he gasped, discovering the naked women tied to a bed. “What are you doing tied to a bed?” Tossing her head from side to side and pulling on the ropes, she moaned through her nose as Blond sat on the edge of the bed. “Why don’t you take the gag off?” he asked. “I can’t understand what you’re saying.” Struggling, the woman nodded her head in the direction of her tethered feet. She was obviously trying to indicate something, Blond mused, gazing at the swell of her hairless vaginal lips rising either side of her deep and extremely wet sex crevice.

“Oh, you want me to fuck you,” he smiled, standing up and slipping his boiler suit off.

“Why didn’t you say so?” She shook her head negatively as he climbed onto the bed with his erect penis hovering above her well-creamed sex slit. “No?” he frowned. “Ah, you want my tongue shoved right up your hot spunk pot,” he grinned. “By the way, any chance of lending me fifty quid?”

Licking the full length of her rubicund sex crack, he lapped up her flowing juices of desire. His tongue delving into her tasty cunt as she writhed on the bed, he licked her hot, creamy vaginal walls.
She’s loving it
, he reflected as she arched her back and squirmed uncontrollably.

There again, I am a bloody good cunny tonguer.
Working up her cunt-creamed valley of lust, he swept his tongue over the swell of her ripe clitoris, sucking the solid protrusion into his wet 45

mouth as she again moaned through her nose. She was going to come and spurt out her lust juices, he knew as her naked body began to shake violently.

“I’d better fuck you,” he grinned, taking the solid shaft of his cock in his hand and slipping his purple glans between her pouting cunny lips. Driving his knob deep into the hot shaft of her spasming cunt, he breathed heavily as she again writhed and squirmed on the bed.

Withdrawing his penis until her inner petals of love hugged the rim of his pleasure dome, he thrust his swollen glans deep into her steaming lust duct again. She was a good fuck, he mused as her vaginal muscles tightened around his intruding shaft and her love juice spurted from her bloated cunt, flooding his full balls. There again, any naked woman tied to a bed would be a good fuck!

“God, I’m there already!” he cried, his spunk jetting from his pussy-juiced glans. Again and again, he drove his rock-hard member deep into her writhing body, his heavy balls slapping the firmness of her tensed buttocks as he pumped her young sex sheath full of sperm. Her vaginal juices mingling with his spunk, the orgasmic blend spurting from her burning cunt and spraying her inner thighs as he pistoned her tight sex cylinder, he pondered on his luck.
Life’s not so bad
, he thought, his thrusting cock squelching her well-spermed and extremely tight fannerial sheath.

Fannerial?
Life’s bloody brilliant!
His heavy balls finally drained, he stilled his deflating cock and wondered what Holmes would have done next.
Fucked Doctor Watson’s arse? More than
likely!

“You’re a good fuck,” he gasped, collapsing over her quivering, sex-perspiring body.

“Give me a minute or two to rest and I’ll fuck you senseless again.”

46

“Mmm! Mmm!” she moaned through her nose, pulling desperately on the ropes as Blond pushed himself up on his arms. “Mmm!”

“All right, all right,” he grinned. “I know you want my fucking great cock forced right up your juicy cunt again but you’ll just have to wait until I’ve ...”

“Mmm!”

“Don’t make so much bloody noise, woman. I must say that you have a most cuntable fuck ... I mean, fuckable cunt. Do you shove cucumbers up your arse when you masturbate?”

“Mmm!”

“That must be nice for you. I might try it myself.” Finally pulling her gag off, he eyed her pink tongue peeping between her succulent lips. “How about a mouth fuck?” he asked, his sex-slimed cock sliding out of her squelching pussy as she squeezed her vaginal muscles. “How about a damned good mouth rogering terminating in a tongue spunking and ...”

“You fucking bastard!” she hissed. “How dare you come in here and fuck me to a multiple orgasm!”

“I apologise profusely. I incorrectly assumed that you wanted me to fuck your sweet cunt to a multiple orgasm.”

“Incorrectly assumed ... Who the hell are you?”

“I’m the hell Blond. Haynes the hell Blond. Blond my name, fucking crude by nature.”

“Oh, my God! That’s all I bloody need,” she gasped exasperatedly.

“Really?”

“I’ve heard of you, Special Agent Blond. They reckon that you’re fucking crazy.”

“Do they? How nice of them.”

“Yes, they fucking do. And they’re fucking right.”

“Bad language doesn’t become you, Miss well-juiced Flange.”

47

“I’ll become
you
in a fucking minute!”

“You can’t become me, it’s a physical impossibility. Not unless you dress like me and talk like me and ...”

“Untie me and let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Certainly, my little spunky cunny.”

“What’s the time?”

“Ah,” Blond grinned. “Now there’s a question.”

“I realize that it’s a fucking question, you spunk bubble. What’s the fucking time?”

“It’s not twelve-fifteen, if that’s what you think.”

“If I knew the time, I would be asking. They’re right, you really are insane.”

“Insane by nature, lunatical by preference. Are you a lunatic?”

“Of course I’m not, you shrivelled foreskin! I shall report you to Spew and have you thrown out of the service,” she threatened him as he released her.

“No one’s reporting anyone,” a male voice resounded around the room as the door flew open and crashed against the wall with a loud thud.

Blond turned and gazed at a man wielding a machine gun as the door fell and hung from one hinge at forty-five degrees from the frame. “Good afternoon,” he smiled. “You seem to have damaged the door.”

“Fuck the door!”

“Yes, quite. I don’t believe we’ve had the displeasure. I recognize your ugly face from somewhere, but ...”

“I’m the Prime Minister. It’s the end of the line, Haynes Blond.”

“Is it? That’s odd. Any chance of a cup of tea?”

“No, the canteen’s closed.”

48

“Shame, I’m rather parched.”

“There’s a soft drinks machine in the ... What the fuck am I talking about?”

“The soft drinks machine, if my mammary serves me incorrectly.”

“Mr Blond, prepare to ...”

“Die?”

“Exactly!”

52

“Where the hell has Blond got to?” Spew complained as Miss Honeycunny strutted into the office on her red, six-inch stilettoes and placed a tray of coffee on the desk. “He fucks everything he comes into contact with.”

Honeycunny scratched her juice-drenched vaginal crack through her miniskirt. “I wish he did,” she sighed wistfully.

“You wish he did what?”

“I wish he fucked ... Nothing, sir. Will there be anything else before I go to the chemist?”

“No, I don’t think so. Did you say, the chemist?”

“Yes. I need another jar of Vaseline and some Femfresh.”

“Would you get me some Hardo Cream while you’re there?”

“Of course. Any particular flavour?”

“Strawberry, please. Oh, and some anal lubricant. My wife’s fist seems to be getting bigger and ... That reminds me, did you find the sleaze file?”

“No, sir.”

“I just don’t understand it. Apart from you and Blond, and that one-eyed stray cat you took in last week, no one has been in here.”

“Perhaps he’s a spy,” Honeycunny quipped, scratching her tits.

“Of course Blond’s a spy. That’s why he’s employed by the ...”

“No, I mean the cat.”

53

Spew looked her hard in the eye. “You could well be right,” he murmured pensively. “I never did trust mangy pussies. I’ll have the flea-ridden thing put down at the earliest opportunity -
and
I’ll have the cat murdered. By the way, I know what you were doing to Blond earlier.”

“
Doing
, sir?” she echoed, her pretty face reddening.

“Does the phrase
blow-job
jangle any balls? I mean, ring any bells.”

“Oh, that.”