Sexy Love (Sexy Series Book 4) (33 page)

“Sounds like it. It must have been awful for you.”

“It was, but she was still my mom and I loved her like a little boy would. She was all I knew apart from school, and I hated school. They used to say bad things about my mom, so where school became my shelter away from my mom, my dirty home and mom turned out to be my shelter from that place. Wherever I was I just didn’t seem to fit in. Considering I was born and bred, it just never felt right, which is ideal because if I had, I’d probably have lived the lives of those around me.”

“Oh Seb, I can’t bear how this must have been for you.”

“It wasn’t great, but I’ve come to terms with that. She had no idea who my dad was, and I always knew why. There were different men over every night, she couldn’t remember yesterday, let alone who visited nine months before I was born. She named me after a ‘rich man’ that had employed her to clean his house while she was pregnant. Soon after I was born he fired her for stealing his liquor and from then on I was told what assholes ‘Sebastians’ are. Luckily, there was only me. She made sure there were never any other kids after me.”

“You must have been so lonely.”

“Yeah, but I had a best friend who lived in the same park as us, what went on there was normal for us so he understood me. Sam, his name was.”

“Where was this? Where did you live?”

“In eastern Kentucky. ”

“And no accent?”

He chuckles. “Oh no, I left as a young teenager, and I did everything in my power to eliminate my past and move on with a new life. The accent had to go.”

“I can understand that. So quite a long way to fly every time your mom wants you?”

“About four hours, yeah.”

“Wow. And what happened to Sam? Do you still know him?”

“Oh no, he got swept up in the lives of his family and lived as they did so we grew apart. He died when he was young.”

“Oh I’m so sorry.” I’m so traumatised by all of this, I cannot begin to imagine how this was for him having had such a privileged and fortunate upbringing, myself. I feel almost greedy for having had and enjoyed what I did.

“It’s okay. I’d been gone a few years, he got into drugs and it went from there. It was hard to hear, but we weren’t close anymore.”

“So you left when you were what? Fourteen, fifteen?”

“About that, yes, I had longed to get out of there for years and as soon as I felt old enough, I packed my things and went.”

“Did you tell your mom?”

“Yes, she didn’t want me to go because I did a lot for her, but I reasoned with her and agreed to send her money when I found a job, so she let me go. I didn’t want to risk running away and having her report me missing only to be brought back.”

“Did something happen out of the ordinary that made you want to go when you did?”

“I used to lie out on the ground in the night a lot when everything outside was relatively quiet, and look up into the night sky, sometimes I’d take a walk to a secluded park during the day. I used to dream of what it would look like to be swept up with a gush of wind and be able to see everything from above in utter peace, nothing around me but soft clouds, blue sky and tranquility. I had always dreamt of being able to fly away into the peace.

“When I saw an airplane in the sky, day or night, I used to wonder where it was headed, I’d wish I could be inside that tiny figure, headed to somewhere happy, somewhere calm. I wanted to be looking out at the emptiness, look down at the place from which I was watching and know that I had gotten away from it all. Then one night my mom was out and a documentary about air travel came on the T.V.; it hit me like a ton of bricks. The next day I went to the local library and researched contacts and schools and made it my goal. It didn’t even cross my mind that I might not have it in me; I enjoyed learning even though I hated school and was convinced I could excel. I understood determination that day.”

“And here you are.”

“Here I am.”

“So when I ask you about your childhood or past, this is why I get vague responses or subject changes?”

“I suppose,” he shrugs.

“When I asked you a couple of times what made you decide to fly – there was all of this hiding behind your blasé answers?”

“Yeah. It’s not something I could just come out with.”

“No, and you’ve done so well, tonight, Seb.” I lean towards him and wrap my hands around the sides of his neck, gently kissing his beautiful warm lips. “I love you. Thank you. ”

He pauses and frowns, his eyes so incredibly full of emotion. “You really don’t know how that makes me feel.”

“You’ve lived your life without affection?”

“My youth, pretty much. I am an affectionate person though, which doesn’t make much sense.”

“And you love it when I’m affectionate with you, don’t you? Like when I stroke your back or tickle your skin?”

“
So
much. You have such a soothing touch, you know how to relax me completely.”

“I don’t think that’s me, Seb, I think it’s just you having your craving met.”

“No, it’s you.”

We pause for a moment of contemplation before I continue to ask more about his childhood. “So that’s when you met Walter? When you made the move from Kentucky to California?”

He smiles and instantly livens up. “I met Walter pretty soon after I made the move. I came here to find an aviation company to work at to help pay for my studies, I was prepared to do anything and knew I’d probably start off sweeping floors. I looked up a bunch of companies to contact and having researched well, this was my first port of call. I was fascinated by the history of the company and that one man had started the whole thing by himself.”

“Walter?”

“Walter. He took a liking to me instantly and let me shadow him for a long while, getting me to help out here and there around the hangar. He even spoke to my mom to make sure she knew where I was, but she couldn’t have cared less, as long as I got a job. She didn’t realise quite who he was, and I’m grateful for that or who knows what she’d have demanded and that could have jeopardised everything.”

“What a great guy to help you make a start in the industry like that.”

“Absolutely. I was young, like I said, so there wasn’t a whole lot I could do, but when the time came, he helped me get to school and study – he sponsored me all the way. His wife had died, tragically, before I met him, and he didn’t have any kids of his own. He invited me to live in his home and treated me like a son.”

“Oh, Sebastian!” I cry, wanting to burst into tears. “God bless that beautiful man!” I wrap my hands around his neck again and kiss his cheeks repeatedly. “I want to thank him for what he did for my wonderful man.”

“I’ll take you to see where he rests, one day.”

“I’d like that.”

“Anyway, you know the rest of the story with Walter and the company.”

“So you renamed it using his first name after you took over?”

“Renamed what?”

“The company?”

“No, Walter Love is what it was always called, I kept the original name.”

“You couldn’t possibly have had the same surname?”

“Oh no. With his encouragement and blessing, I changed my surname a long time ago. I didn’t want to be connected to my old life and he had been more of a parent to me than anybody else in my life, especially the woman who gave me my original name.”

I sit back in the couch and simply stare at him, absorbing everything he has told me, and I feel charged. I’m buzzing with all of this incredible, heart breaking information about Sebastian’s life. I loved him so, so much – but having shared his very private story with him, I feel a whole new level of passion, admiration and devotion to him. He’s even more wonderful than I could ever have imagined.

“You really made something of yourself, Sebastian. You looked for it, went for it and got it.”

“I got lucky. Not everyone meets a Walter in their lifetime. I know a man very similar in character and understanding as Walter, a very good, honest man. You know him.”

“I do?”

“Yes. His name is Henry Berkeley.”

My nose tingles and I feel warmth in my eyes that I automatically fight. “Daddy. He’s a very good man.”

“Yes, he is. We were both very lucky.”

I nod. I have had mine my whole life, and again, I feel spoiled for it. He reminds me even more about how lucky I am to have had the support and love in my life that I took for granted, when his precious time with Walter was so limited.

“So, we have established a lot of things here tonight, but I still need to explain how all of this has come to affect you and our relationship.”

“Would you like to take a break? Maybe get another drink or something? I know this must be so hard for you, Sebastian.”

“You know what? Yes, let’s take a few minutes. Get our heads around what has been put out there so far, because as difficult as I thought this was going to be – I’m reeling more about you telling me that you love me.” He grins, perfectly, and tugs me into his side on the couch, kissing my forehead.

“Well, you told me, too, Seb.”

“Yes, I know, but I already knew that.”

“Oh come on, you knew that I loved you.”

“It’s just like you said, Lex – you had hoped to believe it but until you actually hear it, you just don’t know for sure.”

“Well, I do. I love you so much and I fully appreciate your willingness to share this really difficult part of your life with me.”

“Oh, there’s more.”

I laugh. “That’s okay. We can work through all of this.”

“Thank you, baby. I’m so happy to have managed to persuade you that I’m not a sex-crazed reprobate.”

I laugh again, loudly. “Me, too!”

We take about half an hour to relax and talk about minor every day topics, which lightens the mood and intensity welcomingly. This should enable us to end the conversation and the evening with ease, without a deep overwhelming feeling of darkness that could easily engulf the mood.

As it’s late, we decide to shower and lock up, and to continue this in bed. We shower together, the hot water soothing our aches and relaxing us both together as we hold one another.

We don’t make love; we simply stand in each other’s arms, appreciating the affection and need emanating from our cores. I realise that I have fully submitted myself to this bond; I have surrendered my guard, opening myself to all possibilities of damage and downfall. I have entirely given myself to the depths of this man, and he could break me in a million ways. But he won’t. I feel how deep his commitment runs, I know that I hold his fragile heart in my hands just as he holds mine, and I will protect it against the harshest of wars until the day I die.

Curling up into the bed, clean and fresh, we smile at one another as we entwine legs beneath the covers. He laces his fingers between mine and uses his other hand to prop his head up on the pillows.

“This is so nice, Lexie, I love falling asleep with you.”

“It’s the start of the rest of our lives, doing this.”

“It’s exactly that. And nothing could fill me with more enthusiasm.”

“Good.”

He leans forward to kiss me gently, before resuming the conversation of earlier. “Okay, so where did we leave off?”

“We talked about Walter and your name and then you were going to tell me how all of this affects me.”

“Right, I remember. Well, my mom, as you can probably guess, is still alive and very much the woman she once was, only now she’s old and frail and can’t do much for herself. She never really liked doing much for herself anyway.”

“Right, so you still see her?”

“This is what nobody would understand. She’s a bad person, she neglected me and has been to jail and prison more times than I can count on two hands, but she’s still my mom, whether I like her or not. She’s old now, but she still has an inexplicable hold over me and I cannot explain that to anybody. She was awful, but I can’t leave her to rot.”

“That’s because you’re a good man.”

“I don’t know what it is. It’s hard to explain to somebody that the woman who did the things that she used to do and say the things that she used to say is still somebody that can control me.”

“Does she do that? Does she control you?”

He pauses, staring deep into my face, his looking almost fearful, ashamed. “It’s hard to admit it and feel like you’ll still see me as a strong and determined man.”

“Oh Sebastian, please don’t say that.” I stroke his cheek with my hand. “You
are
strong and determined, you’re one of the strongest men I have ever met, and this is only proving that to me even more. Please don’t worry about things like that, I will never think that way.”

He nods, appreciatively. “Okay. It’s not easy to admit.”

“I know, I know.”

“The control… that’s how it affects you. She contacts me telling me she needs me. She knows I can get to her, she knows I fly. Because she has been a secret in my life for so long, whenever I hear from her, I automatically shut down from everybody, knowing I need to get there, sort her out, and get back again. During that time, I don’t have any contact with anybody, unless it’s a work emergency, and even then it has to be extreme.”