Sexy Love (Sexy Series Book 4) (32 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

MONDAY 4
TH
MAY CONT.

Having showered and changed into more comfortable clothes, I take the ingredients from the refrigerator and bags to set on the countertop in preparation.

I’m halfway through chopping an onion when I get the call from the concierge to announce Seb’s arrival. Whilst feeling a huge wave of relief that he did, in fact, turn up, I tell them to send him up and wash my hands; I couldn’t possibly leave a trail of smelly onion fingerprints on my door handles.

I admit that even with all of my rediscovered strength, I still feel the pangs of excitement and nervousness in my stomach. I think more than anything, though, I’m just so relieved to be putting my arms around him again and ingesting his presence.

I open the door and peer into the hallway, not seeing him yet, so I leave it open and head back into the kitchen to continue with the preparations.

I hear him closing the door and I smile, “I’m in the kitchen,” I call out, and within a couple of seconds he has entered looking somewhat dishevelled. Don’t get me wrong, he’s always terrifically handsome, but tonight he looks a little tired, stressed, maybe… “Hey, how are you?” I ask with a smile that I hope conveys my acceptance of his situation, whatever it may be. I want him to feel comfortable and not awkward at all.

“I’m… I’m okay,” he says as he approaches me without hesitation and slips his arms around my waist from behind, holding me tightly, resting his cheek on my head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay.” I pause with the knife and relax back into his body for a moment, the only thing I can do in this position to return his affections. “Mmm, you smell perfect.” I whisper with a smile, fully appreciating his very close proximity and he chuffs; a brief offer of amusement in response.

We stand together like this in silence for a few more moments before I slowly resume chopping and redirect the mood. “So, what do I need to do next?”

He releases me and looks at everything on the countertop, planning the prep.

“How about I take over with the sauce and you make a start on the rice?”

~~~~~~~

We work around each other happily, making quiet, easy small-talk. I don’t think we should get straight into the nitty gritty, we should at least relax in each other’s company and enjoy our food before any of the serious stuff goes down.

Sebastian is clearly a little ‘off’, he’s acting slightly hesitantly and somewhat nervously, but that doesn’t perturb me too much, I know he’ll be feeling bad about his recent bout of silence, albeit a very brief one.

The food is as delicious as it was the first time, though if I had to choose which way to make it again, I’d choose this way, because we worked together to create it and it has that extra little touch.

We talked casually and closely, without focusing on anything heavy, I doubt either of us could deal with a highly intense topic of conversation knowing the agenda for the remainder of the evening. We need to talk about what is happening, whether or not we touch on the reason behind it, and find a solution to help us move forwards. I know we’ll get through it, we just need to let each other know how we’re feeling.

Having put the dishes in the dishwasher and cleared the kitchen, Seb suggests we retire to the living room with coffee. I am glad that he suggested coffee because I think we should talk about this without alcoholic influences, but I wonder briefly if it’s because he’s planning on driving back home tonight. If that’s the case, is it his intention to close this? I do hope not.

“Lexie,” he says as we sit together and he turns his body to face me, resting a hand on my thigh. “I really am sorry, I didn’t mean to do the silent thing again.”

“I know, it’s okay – but we do need to talk about it. I know you find it hard, Seb, I do – but I need to try to understand this a little more in order to help me reason with your behaviour.”

“I understand that. I… I just…”

“Let me help.” I interrupt. “Are you happy to continue a relationship with me?”

“Oh God, of course! Definitely.”

“Well, okay. Good. So, forgive me for asking this but I have to. Is there another woman?”

He pauses, much like the last time I asked him this and it speaks volumes. He gives me no doubt whatsoever that there is somebody somewhere. He takes a long, deep inhalation before releasing the air slowly through pursed lips.

He looks down as he tilts his head. “It’s not what you think, I’m not cheating.”

I close my eyes and drop my head morosely. I just can’t see how he’s going to be able to explain this one. “Right.”

“No, no – it’s not that, I don’t have another girlfriend.”

“No – but you do have a wife, right?”

“No!”

“Ex-wife?”

“No, no… she’s… oh God, this is so hard.”

“I appreciate that, but if we’re going to have any kind of future, it rests on you helping me understand this, and right now – the future that I foresaw just changed, irreparably.”

“No, don’t say that – you’ll understand, just give me time. I will help you see – it’s just not all that easy. I haven’t done this before and… well, I’ve never been close to anyone like this and actually felt the need to discuss it.”

“Discuss what, Sebastian?” I hold his forearm in my hand. “Take your time, but please help me understand that you don’t have a wife.”

“I promise, I have never been married – you’ll see that when I finally manage to explain. You’ll understand.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, I’ll slow down.” I lower my tone and hold back a little, speaking softly. “You said ‘
she
’, can you tell me who ‘she’ is? Do you have a daughter?” That wouldn’t be so bad, but I fail to understand how that would be something to hide, and if it is – shame on him.

“No, I don’t have any children. I’m not… I mean I’ve always been very careful about that. I’ve never really wanted to have... I er… I guess maybe I should have mentioned that another time. That’s a whole other discussion. Do you want children?” he asks, clearly anxious about unexpectedly dropping that potentially disastrous bomb.

I smile, it probably is something we should have already discussed when talking about our relationship and future but I’m relieved that we feel the same way about this. “Children have never been a part of my life plan, no.”

“Wow, that could have been a game changer, huh?”

I smile and nod. “Absolutely.”

“I thought we were probably on the same page there, purely because the subject has never come up, but you never know.”

“It’s okay,” I smile, “we’re all good.” I close the subject to return to the other. I need to know who this woman is.

He pauses, reaches forward for his coffee and takes a sip before returning it to the table and sitting back on the couch. “Okay.” He takes another long, deep breath before continuing. “’She’ is a woman that I don’t discuss with anybody. I have done everything in my power to keep her and my every day life separate. Even to the point of refraining from any kind of long term relationship with a woman, but that has never been something I yearned for with anybody anyway, until now.

“I haven’t found there to be a problem with leading my life in this way, until I became involved with and besotted by – you.”

I nod, absorbing every tiny taste of information he’ll offer me, trying to solve the mystery. “Okay, I understand. Go on.”

He releases another long breath, painfully, and my heart hurts for him. This is clearly very difficult. I could just tell him to stop, but that won’t help either of us to move forwards with our relationship. It may even help him, to share this with somebody.

“Not even Cole knows the entirety of this.”

“Wow, whatever this is you’ve been keeping it wholly to yourself?”

“Mostly, yes. I’m used to it, it has been a very long time. Walter knew; he knew everything.”

“I remember you saying he was like a father to you, you felt you could share this with him and nobody else?”

“That’s right.”

“Sebastian, deep inside, I truly believe that we won’t be able to move forwards without talking through whatever this is – you’ve even said so yourself, you’ve avoided long term relationships in order to keep this quiet, but are you sure I’m the person you want to tell? I know how close to Walter you were, but do you really consider me the next closest thing to you? Do your parents know about this?”

“I am certain. It’s hard, don’t get me wrong, but I want to be with you. I’m in love with you, Alexia. I can’t lose you and I know if this goes unspoken, you and I won’t be able to stay together because my behaviour will continue to seem erratic and distant.”

I rest my palm on my chest. “You love me?” I ask in an almost silent whisper.

“Isn’t it obvious?” he responds with a smile.

“I… well… I wanted to believe… but I…”

“You don’t need to question it, I love you with my heart and soul. I feel crushed when I think about how I have treated you and how it all must seem to you. I can’t bear you thinking that I might not love you, when it’s all I think about.”

As is very clear by now - I’m not a crier, but if ever I wanted to, now would be that time. His vulnerability is overwhelming. To see a man so strong and confident offering his most private and personal emotions is something one will rarely witness.

“Oh Sebastian, you know that I love you. And I want you to know that whatever this is – you can trust me to stay by your side and journey through it with you. I want you to tell me, but I need you to know that I’m not judging, I will support you all the way. I want to know what makes you ‘you’. Every little thing – good, bad and ugly.”
Please God, don’t let him tell me he’s a murderer.

“Lexie, you’re the most incredible woman I have ever known.”

I roll my eyes, awkwardly, smiling. “Okay.”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Enough about me. We have established that we love each other, and I feel wonderful for having both heard and said that – and without wishing to minimise the awesomeness of it, we have to get to the ugly bit.”

“Yes, the ugly bit,” he says, hesitantly. “You asked if my parents knew…”

“Uh huh, are you close with them, or…?”

“I don’t know my father or if he’s even alive. I don’t think he even knows about me. As far as I’m concerned, although I only met him in my teens – Walter filled that roll in my life.”

“Okay,” I nod, understanding. I move my hand to the back of his neck and gently run my fingernails back and forth; an automatic reaction to comfort him. He closes his eyes and visibly relaxes to my touch.

It’s starting to dawn on me who ‘she’ is, although I need a lot more clarification before I can understand why she has such a negative impact on his life.

“So, ‘she’ – is it your mom?”

He exhales again and nods. “Yeah.”

“You’re not close?”

“No, Alexia. Everybody thinks she’s dead.”

“What?” I cry, I have no idea where this is going.

“Yeah,” he laughs, sadly. “I let people believe that.”

“But I’ve asked you about your parents before, you didn’t tell me your mom was dead?”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t want to lie about it because I knew there was more to us than that, but at the same time, I couldn’t tell you. I just couldn’t. I’ve gone through my entire life hiding her from people, I couldn’t just start talking.”

“I know; I can understand that. But you feel now is the time?”

“Yes, because you’re coming into my life as a permanent fixture, and there’s no way we could continue without you knowing about her.”

“So, why do you tell people she’s dead?”

“It’s easier.”

“Easier?”

“Easier than explaining; easier than the embarrassment and the shame; easier than trying to make people understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why she still lives on in my life.”

“You didn’t have a good relationship?”

He dips his head and frowns. “That’s putting it lightly,” he whispers.

“It’s okay, Sebastian. Take your time. We have all the time in the world; we don’t have to rush this. I’m beginning to get the gist.”

“I know, but I feel like I need to tell you so that it’s over and done with and we can wash ourselves of the negativity and begin our life together with everything out in the open. A situation might also arise between now and finishing the
story
, and I really don’t want that to happen. I want to close this chapter when we’re done talking, so that I can tell you as and when something occurs.”

“I don’t think I follow.”

“It’ll come clear. She’s… she’s not a nice person. She was a terrible mother; I dislike her immensely. She was abusive towards me as a child, physically, yes - but mostly emotionally.”

I gasp. “Oh my God, Sebastian!” I take my hand from his neck to cover my mouth as I listen and gradually envisage the upbringing he had.

“No, it’s okay. I have come to terms with all of that. She left me home alone a lot, she was in and out of prison, leaving me to stay with an aunt who didn’t want me there because I only reminded her what a failure her good-for-nothing sister was. She didn’t turn out so great herself, either.”