Shades of Obsession (6 page)

I want it to be
afterwards, I want to be wrapped in a blanket afterwards, I want him feeding me
with a hand that is steady,
I
want the tenderness in
his eyes that I get then. I want all of him, not just one part of him….

We try to talk
as we struggle through our mains, or rather, I do, there are so many questions,
so many things I want to, have to know, but he blocks most of them.

‘A detective?’ I
look at him, he has so much money,
he
probably doesn’t
even need to work.

‘It keeps my
mind busy,’ He says. ‘And the hours are long…’

He is in hell in
his marriage and so am I.

I don’t really
eat my main, but I have crème
brulee
for desert and I
ask for vanilla in my
coffee.‘Which
is where it
belongs…’ I say to Luke as the waiter walks off and we share a secret smile,
the smile I love the best, we sit at a table, yet we slip into a world that is
just about us.

As he pays the
bill I go to excuse myself for a moment, but Luke stands, he is impatient and
already walking out and I don’t want him to just drive off, so I follow him out
to our cars, I want him to take me in his arms but he doesn’t. He halts me when
I go to him, he holds me back.

‘We can do this.’
I beg. ‘We can be normal.’

He pushes me
off.

He gets in his
car and drives, he hasn’t even kissed me. I cry all the way home, I park the
car and I go into the house, and I put my shoes away and I just stand in the
hall and I want to scream in frustration, but the phone rings and so does the
door.

I answer the
phone to Rick’s voice and Luke stands at the open door.

‘Yes…’ I say to
Rick. ‘I went and looked at it with Natasha this morning…’ I stare at Luke as I
speak. ‘Yes, the mum from the PTA, she seems nice…’ and then I tell Rick that
I’m going to fill out the forms if he is still okay with it – I cannot
hide Rick and I from Luke and he cannot hide Natasha from me, it is something
we are both going to have to deal with. I am not going to lose my marriage
until I choose to and so I say what I have to, to my husband. ‘Thank you for
letting me
join
.’ I can see Luke’s face is white,
there is a muscle flickering in his cheek but he just stands there and waits
while I finish my conversation and hang up the phone and then he speaks and, for
the second time, I guess in case I’ve got company, or a cleaning lady, or
there’s a neighbour watching, he shows me his ID.
 
‘We’re just doing a door knock in the
area about the recent spate of break-ins.
Is
now a
good time to speak?’

I nod.

I hold the door
open and it’s
all civil
, he wipes his feet as he comes
in and I close the door for the first time in so many years we are properly alone.

 
‘Jesus!’ He lets out a hiss of
frustration as he walks through to my lounge. He looks at the wedding photos,
picks up the one where I’m standing
there
smiling
shyly… ‘The bride wore white,’ he snarls. Luke looks like he’s about to throw
it, but he goes and sits down and drags in some breaths and then he takes my
hand and he pulls me towards him and I stand and watch as his eyes roam my body
and then he puts his hands on my hips and moves me so that my crutch is level
with his face and I want him to bury his head in it. I know that is what he
wants to do - to sniff out the enemy, but he just closes his eyes for a moment.

‘We can do
this.’ I say and he pulls me to his lap. ‘We can be lovers,’ I tell him, and
now he lets me rain kisses on his sulking face.
 
‘Just two normal lovers.’

‘I don’t want to
hurt you…’

 
‘I told you, I’m older now… I’m more
assertive now - it doesn’t have to be like before, we can be somewhere in
between.’ I look into his eyes and I see the wrestle as I try to nuzzle into
him, to convince him, because I have to have him, I cannot not have him, my
devotion to him is the part of me that he both loves and loathes.

I will never
understand him.

So badly I want
to.

‘You can’t sleep
with him.’

‘Then we can’t
have an affair.’ I tell him.

He tips me off
his
lap,
he gets up and goes for the door.

 
I am furious. I am. Why can’t we have an
affair like others do? Why are there always so many rules? I want escape, I want
a lover and my fury summons him.

‘Fuck you,
Luke!’

He turns at my
challenge, and faces the new me and he’s angry I know it - I want him to let me
have it, I want him to clean out my mouth, but he strides over and kisses me
instead, a fierce kiss, a possessive kiss and his tongue is back in my mouth
and it dissolves me, it promises me, it claims me and we can do this, I know
it.

We can be normal
lovers, I am sure of it as he kisses me up the stairs, but as we get to the
bedroom, his face lifts and he sniffs at the air and he hates it I can tell.

He hates the
huge wrought iron bed where I sleep with
Rick,
he
loathes it, I know, as his eyes take in the pretty white covers and cushions. He
is in the wrong lair, but these are different times and these are different rules,
rules that the two of us are making this time, and we
can
do this.

‘Come here.’ He
says and I tremble as he undresses me, I close my eyes as he takes in the
changes, so many changes that have taken place while my body has mourned for
him.

 
‘Did you miss me?’ I ask.

He doesn’t
answer. He takes off my blouse, and he says nothing, just takes off my skirt
and I am naked and his fingers trace my skin, as slowly he explores me and I
shiver just to be near him again.

‘Did you miss
us?’ I beg.

‘Portia….’ He doesn’t
finish, he lowers his head and he licks around my nipple again and again, his
cool tongue drawing circles then he takes more of my breast in his mouth and he
suckles and I hold onto his head, but that doesn’t steady me, I can hardly
breathe, just to his mouth on my breast, just to the bliss of the deep, slow
sucks I could come but then he takes it away.

‘Lie down.’

I lie there and
I look up at him. I want to see
everything,
I want to
note all the changes too as he takes off his clothes.

First he kicks
off his shoes and peels off his socks He takes of his jacket and he hangs it on
the chair, he was always very precise.

Then Luke takes
out his gun from its harness and the handcuffs and he places them by the bed
and I swallow, there is the first flutter of nervousness in my throat and he
sees it.

He takes off his
tie and he hangs it on the chair too and then his shirt and I lie there and I
burn….

His skin is so
pale, such a contrast to the dark smatter of hair on his chest and I want his
skin back next to mine where it belongs. He’s changed, but if anything it’s for
the better, he’s just strong and exquisite and there is a moan in my mouth as
he takes his time, as he teases me slowly. Luke looks over to me but says
nothing, he delivers no instruction, I just lie and I watch and we pretend we
don’t know what we really want.

He pulls out his
belt and I see it slide over his knuckles and I clench in anticipation, I await
and I cannot wait for much longer, my hands are balled beside me…

‘You can touch
yourself now.’ I hear the low growl of his order.

But I don’t.

His lips tighten,
I hear his breath harden at my defiance, but then I see a slight nod, approval
almost, that I’ve remembered, that I’ve contained.

Normal.

Till I hear the
slide of his zipper, till I know that had he asked me now I’d have done it,
because here he is and he kneels on the bed beside where I lie.

His eyes roam
me, till I flush, till my skin pleads with him to just touch me.

‘Turn over’

I do.

I lie there,
eyes closed, as his caress me.

Please touch me,
my skin begs, please touch me now.

I feel the heat
of his palm close to my bottom and I wriggle a little, I cannot breathe, my
hand goes to move, to touch myself, to play with myself, but Luke halts it, he
turns me over and I am flushed and breathless just from his gaze.

Luke lowers his
head, his lips graze my stomach, and I moan. There are licks and kisses and with
each stroke of his tongue I lie falling, I lie there growing weaker.
 
He pauses at the scar, and I wonder if he
lingers there with regret, if he wishes I could have had his babies.

I wish I had.

And then his
mouth is moving and his tongue and lips caress my skin and each pore flares its
response as the master returns, each pore begs him to move lower and slowly he
does
.

I feel the nip
of his teeth in the blonde curls of my bush and my hands move to his hair. I
want to guide him, but yet he lingers. He nips and he sucks at the small
triangle of hair and it hurts and is delicious.

 
‘God, Portia…’ his face is nuzzling at my
thighs, his lips are driving me crazy, his fingers slide inside and his thumb
is on my clitoris, and now his tongue is there too, both working me to a frenzy,
it is so intense, so concentrated and I want to watch, I wriggle up as his
tongue chases me, as his fingers keep moving, I hold onto the bedhead and I
look down at his tongue darting me and I shiver as little zaps of wet and dry are
delivered rapidly as still his fingers slide in and out, as he builds me so
rapidly and I try to hold on.

‘Come…’ He
permits.

I close my eyes,
I don’t believe him,
because
with one word he is
telling me he has changed.

Maybe he has?

Perhaps all
those years with Natasha…

Jealousy coils but
I contain it.

His fingers are still
working me, he climbs over and kneels between my legs and Luke lifts my sex to
his face, he blows cool air on my heat and then his mouth kisses butterfly
lips, nips and teases and sucks and then his tongue explores inside me, thrusts
inside me, probes me and I start to moan louder yet still I try to hold on. I try
to move back from his grip, because I don’t believe him -I lived for six weeks aside
the warzone that is his mind - I know what’s allowed…

‘It’s okay…’ he
tells me as I fight it, but then he is sucking hard at me, drinking from me, letting
me….

I give into it
and he takes it, I throb into his mouth and it is Luke that moans, I feel the
purr from his throat on my sex, and my thighs feel the rip of tension in his
shoulders, the growl of him that I’ve been nervously awaiting for as still I
flicker to his tongue and I know he is angry, except his tongue is slowing, his
mouth the bearer of tender intimate caresses and it is not the Luke I know.

He contains it
now for me.

I meet his eyes.

I love his eyes.

I watch that
sulking mouth move to a slow smile as he slides his body up to where my mouth
awaits his, I taste myself on his tongue, I get the scent of myself on his
face, and I love the perfume that we make, and so badly I want now to taste
him…
 
there is a small wrestle, I
try to move, to lift myself, to lower myself to take in his lovely cock, but
his weight pins me back down, and there are no hands required with Luke, his
knee parts my thigh, and I watch his eyes shutter with relief as he thrusts
into me. I have mourned and I have missed and I have tried but I have never
been able to adequately, completely, recall the bliss of him within, every
muscle attempts to stretch and greet, every receptor sobs to make the entrance
easier and yet Luke speeds past them, and I hurt that delicious hurt again, and
again as he thrusts hard into me.

‘Portia…’ He
says my name over and over, as if he cannot believe we are here, his arms pin
mine, his chest glides over me and I catch his flat nipple with my mouth and he
hovers a moment, lets me suckle as with shallower beats he moves deep within. He
licks at my ear, he says my name, his arms release mine and we tumble, side by
side we face each other, scissor each other, and I kiss his face, I taste the
salt in his brows, because he won’t let me there yet to taste the salt that I want,
and we are two lovers, we are older, we are wiser and this we can do. My mouth
finds his neck, I want to suck, for a moment I forget there can be no evidence
of this coupling, but Luke remembers and he lifts my head back and I feel the tug
on my scalp as he does. I aim for his neck again, but his fingers knot harder
in and he starts to thrust deeper inside me, and then my hair is released. I am
loose with excitement, I am with him again, and we
are
normal lovers, I can do what I want - I remember after the PTA,
I remember my fingers inside me and what I was thinking and I turn in his arms
till it is me looking down on him now. My knees astride him and I kiss that surly
mouth, I feel the tension in his lips but I choose to ignore, he pushes my
shoulders back and I look down his eyes more black than navy now.

‘Portia.’ He
says my name and it’s different this time… low, ominous. He’s warning me to
stop but I’m not listening, I am wild with abandon, and I ride him.

‘Did you miss
me? I demand from him. ‘Did you miss me…
’
I plead. But
he lies there silent, his eyes watching me, his hands slamming me down onto him
but then I am given free reign as Luke’s hands move to my breasts. He pinches
my nipples and stretches them and I am ecstatic. He pinches them both and he
pulls them till it hurts and then he pinches them harder and I grind onto him,
and I am only thinking of me, of the lovely flare that flashes down my spine
and then I look to him, my eyes beg Luke to please, come with me, that I’m
sorry, that I’m wrong, but I can’t help it. My neck arches back and I pulse so
deep and tight. I sob out my come and when I’m done, when I’m spent, still he
is hard inside me and I know I’ve taken this too far, that I’ve gone too far,
that my enjoyment was too much for Luke….