Shades of Obsession (5 page)

‘Are you finally
joining, then?’ Gina picks up the forms as my phone bleeps. ‘I’ve been nagging
for you to join for months…’

I can’t answer;
I am looking at the screen and my face is on fire.

I don’t know how
he got my number, I simply don’t know, I just burn that it’s him.

Stay the hell away from my wife

I hate that he’s
protective of her, but I soothe myself that it’s surely just his son he’s being
protective of, but then my heart soars when I get the next text.

It’s bad enough as it is without having to
hear your name mentioned every five minutes

‘So when are you
going to go?’ Gina asks but I can’t concentrate, I tell her to carry on making
the coffee and I excuse myself for a moment, but I just hide in my bedroom. My
mind is fizzing, my heart is racing as I realise that I can text him all the
time - we didn’t have phones like this when we were together, my head is
spinning at this new contact - Luke in my handbag, by my bed, here with me right
now as Gina makes the coffee downstairs….
 
but then I panic, because our texts will be constant and Rick checks the
bills.

Don’t text me
,
Rick checks the bills

I wait for a
moment and there is a thrill, a delicious thrill as it buzzes again.

Then stay away from my wife I do not need
you two as friends

And it is
different from all those years ago, because I don’t have to do as he says, not
that I ever did – that was the problem. But I am older now, stronger now,
more of a woman now and I can handle things better, I tell myself.

too
late baby

I hold my breath
as I hit send.

I can almost
feel his anger as Luke gets the message; almost see the rage on that delicious
surly face.

Meet me now
I frown as I read the
address, it’s just a restaurant not a hotel, but I
am
going to see him, I can hardly breathe, but I don’t want to eat,
I want him.

Come here.

My texts beg.

I have a visitor but I will get rid of her,
please, please, come here

But he doesn’t
answer.

 
‘Sorry about that!’ I smile when I come
down stairs.

‘If you’ve
gotta
go, you’ve
gotta
go
..
’ Gina smiles.

And we chat some
more over coffee and she’d stay here forever if I let her, but I tell her that I’m
going shopping and when she offers to come with me
,
 
I
wriggle out of it, I tell her I
have a waxing appointment and that I’ll see her tomorrow at the gym.

‘Can’t wait.’
Gina grins and finally I’ve got rid of her, but then I remember I might need
her later.

‘If I’m late….’
I call out to her as she walks to the car. ‘Can you grab the boys for me?’

‘Sure.’

I rush upstairs,
I look at my wardrobe, I don’t know what to wear and then I realise I have to stay
wearing the same; I have to hold onto normality here.

But I take off
my bra and knickers and stuff them in my handbag and, from out of my wardrobe,
I take a pair of killer heels to change into. I brush my teeth, and then I
brush them again when I think of this morning and Rick, and I gargle with mouthwash
too, and then I put on my beige lipstick but it feels like it is red now as I
paint my mouth.

I am finally
going over the edge.

I drive, I break
limits, I get there in time and as I pull into the car park I see his car.

I walk into the
restaurant, it’s French and very smart and I am being led to him, except the
waiter walks so slowly when I want to run. My eyes scan for him, but they don’t
land on him till I am at his table because Luke is tucked away in a booth. Then,
for the first time, in what feels like forever, I am finally sitting opposite
him, those navy eyes are looking at me and I ache for his mouth, for him, for
his hand or his foot to move between my legs, to welcome me, to check, yet he
doesn’t.

He orders drinks
and I see
his teeth grit as the waiter checks the order
,
we
have
to be alone
.

‘You are beautiful,’
he says and the flame that will forever burn for him flares as I remember how
he always said that, not
look
. Luke
has always, even at my worst, told me that I
am
beautiful.

He orders me a
drink and then he tells me what will happen.

He tells me that
it won’t.

‘I asked you to
come here so that I could tell you that I am going to speak to work and arrange
a transfer…’

‘No!’ Instant is
my response.

‘Yes.’ He tells
me.

‘You can’t just
uproot your son,’ I attempt, but it doesn’t sway Luke. ‘It would be awful for
him…’

‘And his parents
breaking up when we get caught wouldn’t be?’

He is so much
stronger than me.

‘Why did you
leave the kitchen in the middle of the PTA, Portia…?’

I just sit
there.

Ashamed.

‘We both know
why.’ Luke answers for me. ‘We’re not going to fuck up our lives again…’

‘We don’t have
to this time.’
 
I insist, but he
refuses to believe it and I scramble to convince him, to keep him, to stop him
from leaving my life, now that he’s back in it.

But it’s not
just our families he’s worried about destroying, I know that – he loves
me so much, he does and he doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want me going back
to the way I was.
 
‘It will be
different now…’ I tell him and I see the torture of want in his eyes. ‘I’m
older. I’m a different person now. I can handle things…’

‘You’re not
handling things
though,
even before you knew I was
back you were starting to fall apart. What are you doing running again?’

He knows me so
well.

‘And stealing… You’re
out of control again, Portia. Do you know how hard it is to watch and do
nothing?’ I see the purple smudges under his eyes, the tension on his face, and
feel his fear for me.

 
‘How long have you been watching me?’

‘Since I saw
your photo on that prick’s desk.’ He gives an incredulous shake of his head.
‘Why him?’

‘Why Natasha?’ I
hurl back.

 
‘Because she’s nothing
like you.
Because she doesn’t make me want in the same way that you do,
because…’ I can’t stand to think of her, but there are things I have to know.

‘So what happens
when
she
comes?’

We sit there
silent for a moment as the waiter brings our drinks.

Vodka on ice and
I take a slug but it doesn’t douse the burn of jealousy when I think of him and
Natasha and as I go to take another drink he tells me to slow down.

‘Sip it,’ he
says.

I do.

But I have to
know.

‘What happens
Luke…?’ I beg. ‘Is it like….
’

‘Natasha thinks
sleeping naked is kinky.’

He smiles when I
giggle.

I love his
smile, it is so rare, so beautiful and sometimes, like now, I get to make it.

 
‘So, if you don’t…’ I swallow, I don’t
really understand these things, for all we have done together,
I
know that I am very naïve. ‘Do you think of me…?’ I ask.
‘Do you think of me sometimes, do you think of me when you…?’

‘I do everything
in my power not to think of you.’ Luke says. He is so matter of fact at times.
‘But sometimes, when I start to, when it starts to build…’ I catch my breath
because it is the same for me. ‘I go to a place where it is safe, I go to a
woman who, unlike you, plays by the rules…’

My face is
savage. ‘I hate her…
’
 
I hate every fuck that she has had
that was meant for me, I tell him, but he sits there unmoved.

‘That means
there are a lot of women you have hated over the years.’

I drink my vodka
,
I forget to sip
.

‘Slow down.’

I won’t.

I drain my
glass.

He orders
another.

‘So what happens
between you and Natasha?’

‘What happens
between you and Rick?’ I hear the hate and the loathing as he says his name.

I don’t answer
him.

I look up to the
waiter who has come to take our order, but Luke dismisses him with a flick of
his hand.

‘Portia?’

I think it far
safer that I don’t answer.

I get back to
us.

 
‘Why can’t we have an affair, why do you
have to leave…
’
I am sulking, I am pouting. I see a
small soften to the lips I want on me, I see them twitch as he does his best
not to smile…

I want my
affair!

I want to be
taken out for lunch and wined and dined by Luke and then taken by him
afterwards.

‘It doesn’t have
to be like before.’ He just sits there and looks at me as I plead to save us.
‘It doesn’t have to be as intense as before. You don’t have to move your family,
I’m no threat to them…’ He just
stares,
there is no
hint of a smile now. ‘Your son is just settling in….’

‘Yeah,’ Luke
says, ‘and his mum is making new friends…’ He is angry, so angry
about
that. ‘What the hell were you thinking Portia?’

‘I’m not trying
to stalk Natasha…’ I shake my head in impatience, he always sees the dark side,
but it was so much more innocent than that.
 
‘I knew that if we’re going to be able to
meet, then I need a reason to be out of the house sometimes, I need an excuse
and I don’t really have one, I asked Rick this morning if I could join a gym…’

‘You have to ask
him
permission?’

He curses, he is
black with anger as the waiter comes over again and Luke orders, he does not
ask what I want, but I am older now and stronger now and if he is leaving me,
if he is ending this, I will show him why he can’t.

‘I want soup.’ I
call the waiter back. ‘I’d like to order the French onion soup.’

I am defying
him, I am angering him, but I will fight for him, I will. I will show him how
much I have changed.

I will fight for
us.

Six weeks was
all we had, but there were so many rituals and soup was one of them, so many
rules that I just didn’t, and still don’t, understand. So many things to abide
by and over and over I failed, but I am deliberately failing now, I am showing
how different things can be this time, that we don’t have to go back to how it
was.

‘You’re playing
with fire, Portia.’

‘I don’t care.’

I smile, I am
defiant, I slip off a stiletto and I put my foot up and I rub the sole against him,
it’s so hard and I smile at him as my foot toys with him. ‘It’s hot!’ I say and
he says nothing. I take off my jacket and he swallows, he looks down and I know
he can see my nipples straining the fabric, my blouse is sheer, one that shows
a pretty bra, but I am not wearing one. And my toes wriggle on his crotch and
then he catches my foot in his hand and he stops me.

‘Do you remember
how sick you got?’

‘Because they
kept me away from you…’ I beg him to see things more clearly, I can still
remember his eyes the day my parents caved and asked him to come to the
hospital, I saw navy sky rain that day, I saw guilt and it was unmerited. I
think of those times, those dark, dangerous times, and I do understand we can’t
properly go there, that if we are to maintain our lives, our marriages, our
lives, then the obsession we had with each other must end. His hand is stroking
my foot, his hot thumb presses into my sole and my soul. I see the waiter
approaching, a steaming bowl is put in front of me, still bubbling and spitting
from the oven, the dark soup running down the side, the crust perfect and I
look at it for a moment, I thank the waiter politely and then my eyes turn back
to him.

‘We’ll be
careful.’

‘You’re never
careful.’ Luke reminds.

‘This time I
will be. I’ve got as much to lose as you. We’re not going to get caught. I was
being stupid at the PTA, it was just such a shock seeing you, I just didn’t
think, but I’m thinking now. Other people have affairs, why not us?’ The
problem isn’t monogamy here and we both know it, so I plough on to convince him
‘It will be different…’.

‘I can’t share
you.’ He just comes right out and says it. ‘I know my limits and that’s one -
if I touch you, then he can’t. ‘

‘You know that
won’t work.’ I tell him and then I show him just how much I’ve changed. ‘If we
do this then I’ll have to share you too.’

‘I
won’t
share you.’ I hear the snap of
possession in his voice, I hear the Luke I used to know and I want him.

I want him.

 
‘Does he think he was the first…
’
I hear the loathing in his voice and I shiver, because,
yes, I am playing with fire.

‘I never told
him about you,’ I say carefully.

‘And your
parents wouldn’t exactly have wanted to bring it up.’ He looks over to me.

‘I’m leaving
when the children are older.’ I’d already decided that I tell him. We’re not
going to blow
things,
I am not going to mess up my boys’
lives, we can just make our own lives more bearable…’

I lift up my
spoon.

I see him tense.

I meet his eyes.

We are there
again, we are back there again - he takes the spoon from me and I watch as he
stabs it into the crust. I remember the first time he took me, I close my eyes
and I remember the pain and the bliss and then he raises the spoon, and slowly,
ever patient, he feeds me. He feeds me spoonful after spoonful as tears stream
down my face, and there is moisture in the navy sky too because we both so
badly want it to be
after
.