Authors: John Spagnoli
Shadowed Soul (32 page)
In seeking out ways to increase these moments of delight, without relying on alcohol or ice cream, I wondered about balance. My therapist had mentioned the art of balance. How to get relief and consistency, balance and fun? I asked myself,
what actually felt fun to me besides escaping from my emotional pain?
My first list included: Build
Lego’s
with my son, enjoy date night with my wife, go out to eat with my wife, listen to music in car, be excellent at my job, gardening. Soon that list became more private between my wife and me, and more specific with my work and hobbies. For example, I loved to hybridize plants. Cross-fertilizing flowers such as African violets or daylilies fascinated me. In the process, I even learned to grow from seed the largest flower in the world (
amorphophallus
, in case you’re curious), and I wrote my first book on how to grow
amaryllis
.
Along the path to recovery I encountered many stepping stones and hurdles, but I felt that however often I encountered hellish phases I was on a distinct trajectory toward creating a successful life. Plugging away, yet patiently giving myself time to explore emotions, I learned to not hyper-focus and not over-think everything. Milestones occur frequently, but it is not overnight success. It is a process over months, incremental, gradual, so you often do not notice anything is happening. Then for no apparent reason, you go,
wow it’s so much better
.
In keeping a journal, writing goals, what you feel at any moment, asking yourself why you feel that way, for some reason the process of writing makes it more likely for an issue to resolve itself. Perhaps it is that it lets you think more clearly. It takes time, but I see it as an investment in myself. You can always shred it if you do not want others to read it, but write it down and get it out of your system.
Caveat
: Do not mail it to anyone but yourself! Indulge yourself; focus on yourself for a time. In giving yourself time, you have a more whole self to give to others.
If you are stuck in one phase for a while, writing helps you process it faster, depending on what you are depressed about. It may take longer, depending on how fixated you are on a particular emotion, how habitual a given pattern is. It just takes time to release yourself from the pattern. As you process, allow yourself to consider different choices. Allow yourself time to look at it in a different way. That light hearted approach oils the gears of the process toward joy and en
lighten
ment, feeling
lighter
, more joyful. So the answers to questions like
why am I depressed?
and
why do I feel like hell?
may never secure closure but instead a kind of resolution. Not closure whereby you cauterize it, nor ignore it, but, instead, you grasp it, look at it, understand it, and in time adapt and adjust to a new paradigm.
When I acknowledged depression as a legitimate feeling, then I gave myself the freedom to move on. If ignored it, maybe it would eventually have gone away. For brief times, it may have. But until I addressed, it, the
Shadowed Soul
kept returning to me, rearing its ugly head. After looking at issues straight on, much of it did go away. Now the things I choose to ignore and the things I choose to focus on are very different. I wake up feeling better as I can express myself better. I am in charge of creating each new day for myself and my family.
I hope you’ll connect and share your reaction to
Shadowed Soul
through any of the available links. Your comments and insights are important for me and others to hear and discuss.
Thank you for your time,
John M. Spagnoli
facebook.com/theshadowedsoul
facebook.com/john.spagnoli.54