Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (25 page)

             
We quietly went about the task of living our normal life until one day, just after Ben started kindergarten, the past came knocking at our door.

             
It had become our routine to rotate who took Ben to school each day. Today, Noah had left to drop Ben off and I was already hard at work at my pretend job, as Noah called it, when the knock came, disturbing my concentration.

             
“I’m coming,” I yelled across the house before finishing the latest update to my site and wondering if Noah had forgotten something besides his key again.

             
I left the site up, searching around the office where Ben was good at leaving his things for what might be missing.

             
“I don’t see it.” I pulled the door open, saw who stood before me and whatever else I’d been about to say was gone in an instant. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to Adam Manning.

             
“Hello, Cameron. It’s good to see you again. May I come in?”

             
“What do you want, Adam?” I couldn’t hide the resentment I felt at him for just showing up at my door reminding me of just how easy it was for the past to find us again. Even here in our isolated mountain retreat.

             
“To come in—to talk to Noah.”

             
“He’s not here. And anyway, what makes you think he’d be here with me anyway.”

             
“Because I happen to know he is. You see, I’ve kept in touch with Noah through the years. I see he hasn’t told you about that. Well, I’m sure he didn’t want you to worry. But you know Noah is like a son to me. Did you really think I’d lose track of him entirely?”

             
When I made no effort to answer him or to invite him inside Adam in his usual manner took things into his own hands.

             
Adam stepped inside and I immediately recoiled. I hated being close to him--to the past. Adam of course knew exactly how I felt about him, but my little reaction wasn’t lost on him.

             
“Look Cameron, I need to talk to Noah so can you tell me where he is? I promise, I’m not going to hurt him.” He added when I didn’t say anything. “This is important.”

             
“After five years? Can’t you get the message, Adam? Noah’s through.”

             
“Cameron, it’s okay.” I hadn’t heard Noah come back. I’d been so overwhelmed to find our past standing before me once again to be aware of anything but the man I still couldn’t believe was standing in my great room.

             
Both Adam and I turned, startled at the sound of Noah’s voice. He stood in the open doorway watching our exchange.

             
“It’s okay, Cameron,” he told me again before closing the door behind him and walking over to come shake Adam’s hand.

             
“Adam, you look good.”

             
“You too Noah. Clearly marriage and fatherhood both agree with you.”

             
Noah glanced my way acknowledging my shock by putting his arm around me and bringing me close to him.

             
“I got the last picture you sent of Ben. He’s grown so much. He looks exactly like you, Noah. And of course you, too Cameron.” Adam added with a smile trying his best not to piss me off further.

             
I could barely stand next to Noah, knowing that everything that he had led me to believe about his involvement with The Organization was a lie. My anger and surprise was evident in the shivering that had begun deep inside of me that just wouldn’t stop.

             
“Thank you Adam. Ben and Cameron mean everything to me. But I’m guessing this isn’t just a social call, now is it?”

             
For a moment I thought I saw regret in Adam’s eyes before he smiled again and nodded. “No, no, you’re right about that Noah. It isn’t. There are some things that I need to talk to you about.”

             
Adam glanced my way and I knew that he didn’t want me to hear the things that he had to say to Noah. “Is there someplace where we can talk alone?”

             
Part of me still expected Noah to refuse, while another part wanted to scream at Adam to leave us alone. In the end Noah was the one who made the decision for me.

             
He turned to me and looked into my eyes before saying, “I’m sorry Cameron. But I have to do this.” He didn’t wait for me to argue, which I’m sure he expected, he simply pointed toward the door. “Let’s take a walk, Adam. Let me show you around the place.”

             
Before he closed the door on me and my fears, Noah turned back to me one more time. “Everything will be okay. Don’t worry.” As my future walked out the door with my past, I sank down to the sofa and cried.

             
It was a long time before Noah returned to me. But in that time I tried to reject what in my heart I knew was the truth. That Adam was here to send Noah away again on another assignment. If that were the case, after all these years then this must be bad.

             
When Noah came back, it was without Adam, but I knew that he had accomplished whatever he’d came here today to do the second I saw Noah’s expression.

             
He closed the door and stood watching me, seeing all of my tears.

             
“What did he want?” I asked at last when I couldn’t stand Noah’s silence any longer.

             
“I think you know what he wants,” Noah told me moving close to me.

             
“No. Noah you can’t do that. You can’t go back there. What about Ben? What about me?”

             
“Cameron.” Noah came after me and held me when I would have walked out on him. “I don’t have a choice. I have to do this.”

             
“What am I supposed to tell Ben? Sorry honey, but your father is a spy? Noah, he adores you. You can’t do this to him. It will break his heart!”

             
“Cameron, I don’t have a choice,” Noah told me quietly and I saw the truth. He was leaving me again for the job. Just like he had so many times in the past, and there wasn’t anything that I could do or say to stop him.

             
“I guess you have to do what you have to do then, Noah.” I said shaking my head before I walked out of the house leaving him standing there watching me run away yet again.

             
I walked for hours that day. I was angry and hurt that Noah could so easily pick up the past and walk away from both me and Ben that I couldn’t bring myself to face him again.

             
I thought of our son, how hurt he would be to hear that his father was going away.

             
But then I remembered all those times that I’d seen a certain far away look in Noah’s eyes and I wondered if maybe he wasn’t quite so content with our small town life as I wanted to believe. I’d asked him through the years if he missed the excitement of our former life, and always his answer had been the same. Even though I knew deep in his heart, he still had doubts about Ben, Noah told me that he loved our life together and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

             
Now, I believed it had all been a lie. Maybe Noah had only been fooling himself into believing he didn’t want to go back there.

             
In my heart I believed if he left this time I wouldn’t see him again.

             
But I knew that I couldn’t keep him with me no matter how much I wanted to beg him to stay. Noah had to make up his own mind about our future.

             
When I finally started back toward the house, I saw that Noah had followed me part of the way. He stood waiting for me at the small gazebo we’d put on top of one of the mountain peaks near the house.

             
“Cameron, let’s talk.” Was all he said when I stopped close to him, silently watching. I wanted to take in every inch of him store up all the little things about Noah that I loved so much, for the time when he was no longer a part of my life.

             
But I was angry with him as well. I resented that he could trade Ben and me in so easily for the past.

             
“What is there to talk about? You’re leaving, aren’t you?” I started past him but he caught me and brought me close to his body.

             
“Don’t, Cameron. Don’t run away from this. From me. Let’s talk about it.”

             
“I don’t want to talk about it, Noah. There’s nothing I can say that will change your mind, so what’s the point?”

             
“In other words if I don’t do what you want then I’m doing the wrong thing.”

             
“You’re leaving us!  How do you expect me to feel? You’re leaving me again.”

             
We were both angry with each other and shouting but our anger soon turned into a different emotion. Noah’s hands were pulling me closer, his fingers tangling in my hair. I wanted him, wanted to be close to him. Wanted to touch him more than I’d ever wanted this before.

             
Noah and I made love that afternoon in the tiny gazebo, and it felt as if we were saying our goodbyes right there with our bodies touching just like that one time long ago in my apartment.

             
When it was over I couldn’t stop my tears. I didn’t want to. I wanted him to know just how much he was hurting me.

             
“Cameron, don’t. Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry, I know how hard this will be for you, but I have to do this.”

             
“You want to do this, Noah.”

             
“No...No Cameron, that’s not the truth. I don’t want to leave you or Ben, but I have to.”

             
“Then tell me why? Tell me what Adam wants you to do? Is it because of me? Because of my brother? Does he know about Judah--all the things that I didn’t tell The Organization?”

             
“No, of course not. Adam’s not like that.”

             
“Then he does know?”

             
“I didn’t say that. Cameron.”

             
“Then what is it Noah? I’m your wife. I was part of that world as well, you know? Tell me what he wants you to do.”

             
“I can’t. I can’t. I won’t. It’s best that you don’t know any of the details. For your own safety and for Ben’s you need to remain out of this. You have to trust me on this. I’m doing this for all of us.”

             
“Noah, please. Please.”

             
“Cameron, baby, I’ll be back. I promise you I will be back. I’m not going away forever. Only for a little while. I’ll be back.”

             
I think Noah truly believed those words at that moment. But I didn’t. I pulled out of his arms and dressed while he watched me silently before slowly doing the same.

             
“It’s late. I’ll go pick Ben up, if you’d like?” I told him as we started back toward the house.

             
“No, I’ll go. It’s my turn.”

             
I stopped walking and searched his face. “Will you tell him today? When are you leaving?”

             
“I’ll tell him on the way home. I’m leaving soon Cameron. In a few days time.”

             
“I hate that you’re doing this to us, Noah. I really hate you for this.”

             
He reached for me, stopping me from walking away again.

             
“No you don’t. You may want to hate me, but you can’t. You’ll never hate me.”

             
I watched Noah leave to get Ben, and hated that I couldn’t protect our son from this. I wanted nothing of the dark days of our past to touch his life ever again, but here we were right back in the middle of things.

             
I tried to push aside all the fears I had as I made dinner, but I couldn’t keep from believing that this was what Noah had truly wanted all along.

             
Wasn’t the fact that he’d kept in touch with Adam Manning proof that he still needed some of his old life? After all, I’d made a clean break. I’d never looked back, but Noah had. What was he missing that he hadn’t been able to find in our life together? That thought above all else hurt the most. The fact that Noah needed more from life than Ben and me.

             
By the time Noah and Ben returned, I had pretty much convinced myself that I would never be enough for Noah. I was angry and hurt and afraid that our life together was over. And even though I tried to hide it I knew that Noah understood everything that I was feeling from the moment he walked into the room. But neither of us said a word.