Shadows Amongst Light (The Spy Who Loves Me) (24 page)

             
“I don’t know if I can, Noah?”

             
“Cameron, we owe it to each other to try, don’t we?”

             
“Yes...”

             
“Then come have breakfast with me. Start with that. We’ll just go slowly, okay? Take each day and work it out.”

             
After all the times I’d wished that the two of us could be just like any other normal married couple spending time together, I was finding the reality of that was completely different from my fantasies.

             
I sat across from Noah, just like I’d dreamed about all those times, but this time I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to him.

             
Noah was still my husband, but I wasn’t sure what that meant anymore? Or where we were heading from here.

             
“Does this mean you’re out of the whole spy game completely? Or that you’re only out of The Organization?” I found myself asking, after the silence between us became too much to bear.

             
“Cameron, you know no one every truly leaves The Organization?” Noah said quietly, “I’m out for now. That’s all I can tell you. I have no plans of returning.”

             
“Even for Adam?” I couldn’t help asking.

             
Noah knew exactly what I was thinking. He’d always been crazy about Adam. Noah would do anything for him.

             
“Let’s not worry about The Organization or Adam right now. In my heart, I feel that it’s over for me. That’s all I can promise you.”

             
“Noah, did you leave The Organization because of me or were you simply trying to get away from me?” When I could look at him again, I found that closed expression of his that gave nothing away. But I couldn’t accept that anymore. I knew that I had to know the truth.

             
“Adam came to the apartment Noah. He was the one who told me you were dead. He said that you’d taken the extended assignment because of me. Noah, Adam made it sound like you’d taken the assignment so that I could get out? But Matt said you’d wanted out of our marriage for a long time? Is that true?”

             
I watched as Noah closed his eyes before coming to kneel in front of me.

             
“Cameron, I never wanted out of our marriage. Not once. I thought that you did. You were so miserable, all you ever talked about was having a normal life together, a family. I felt that it was all my fault that you didn‘t have any of those things. I thought that I was the one making you miserable. If you hadn’t met me, you would never have joined The Organization. And you might have had all those dreams with another man. That normal life that you wanted so much.”

             
“Noah, don’t you know that I never wanted any of those things until I met you? Didn’t you know that? You were the one I wanted all those things with.” As I watched his reaction to those words, I knew that I had to find out the truth. “Is it too late for us, Noah?”

             
“No, baby,” he said with so much heartbreaking emotion that at last I believed him. “No, it’s not too late. As long as we’re together, and we care about each other, then it can’t be too late. Cameron, I know that you love me and I know that I love you. That much should be obvious, otherwise I wouldn’t be here with you right now. This is our chance to have that normal marriage you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?”

             
As much as I desperately needed to believe those words, I still couldn’t. I kept remembering Noah’s reaction to learning I was pregnant. Something had died between us with those words. I didn’t believe there could be any bringing back the past.

             
Was it even possible for two people who were used to a life of danger to survive normality? I wasn’t so sure. I wasn’t even sure we could survive our past mistakes long enough to give it a shot. But I decided for our child and for the woman in side of me that desperately wanted that normal life we had to try.

CHAPTER TEN

              For two people used to life in the ‘strange’ lane, Noah and I were starting to fit into our ‘normal’ family life pretty darn well.

             
Noah set up a makeshift office at the dining room table to work on his web designs, while I found so much fulfillment in helping the women who came to my website for advice from my little office down the hall from him.

             
Without really working at it, Noah and I fell into the routine of working quietly during the day, being very careful not to disturb each other.

             
It was comfortable. Which I was beginning to find more appealing with each day that brought me closer to my expected due date.

             
And Noah, after a little bit of a bumpy start, was beginning to fit into small town life quite nicely as well. He accompanied me on my next visit to the doctor and all the ones that followed. I wasn’t sure how to explain to my doctor that yes, this was my husband and even though I was certain he was my baby’s father, Noah was not.

             
Thankfully Noah came to my rescue when the doctor asked him point blank if he were the father.

             
“Yes, I am.” Noah answered without hesitating one little bit, even though I knew how hard those words were for him to say. But Noah loved me. He was trying to save me any embarrassment that might follow having my husband showing up on the scene. And I loved him all the more for it.

             
After that exam, my doctor was a little concerned. He told me that I needed to start taking it easy more. That meant no stress and unfortunately no sex.

             
“I’m sorry,” I told Noah and we made our way home. “I know this has to hard for you, and.”

             
Noah stopped the truck along the edge of the road, and turned to me. “Cameron did you really think I wouldn’t support you? Do you really think that I can’t wait to have sex with you until you and the baby are safe? Cameron,” Noah said in frustration before he pulled me into his arms. “I know that you don’t trust me yet but I didn’t really think you thought so little of me. I’m not that shallow, am I?”

             
“No—I wasn’t saying that...I don’t know what I’m saying. I just know how hard this must be for you.”

             
“Cameron, whatever happened between you and Davis is over right?”

             
“Yes, oh God, yes Noah!  How can you even ask me that? I just felt so lost without you and so uncertain where I was going. But nothing happened between us Noah.”

             
“I know you were scared, and I realize I hurt you, but I love you Cameron. I always have and I always will. I’m not going anywhere.”

             
Over the next few weeks I saw a part of Noah that I’d never seen before. The ordinary man that I’d once hoped for but never had believed existed.

             
I was finding that Noah was full of surprises. He loved to cook. Of course he had always been the one to cook when we were together but I never once, in all the years we had lived under cover as husband and wife realized just how good he was at it.

             
Since my doctor had pretty much put me on bed rest, Noah was constantly feeding me. I guess he felt helpless to do much else and that was the one thing that he could do for me besides simply keep me company.

             
Whatever I wanted he made it for me. We spent most of our time sitting on the sofa watching TV or reading. Doing old married couple things. I couldn’t ever remember being happier.

             
Unfortunately with my new happiness came my old fears. Maybe because of my pregnancy, and it felt as if all of my emotions were blow out of proportions, I just couldn’t let myself be happy. I kept imagining our past coming back to catch us. Somehow I knew that something was left unfinished between Davis and myself. Just as I knew there were still things about my brother that I had to figure out. The past for me was far from over.

             
And as hard as I tried, I couldn’t push those frightening thoughts aside. And no matter how hard Noah tried to reassure me that everything would be okay, I knew it was only a matter of time.

*****

              Just a few weeks past the New Year, our son was born and for a while I was able to forget all of my fears.

             
Even before I felt the first contraction I knew that it was time for our son to come into the world. In spite of all the months I’d refused to let the doctor do a sonogram I knew that our child was to be a boy. And Noah was right there with me through it all, holding my hand.

             
For weeks before the birth Noah and I had considered names for our child, but every time it came around to boys names, Noah refused to think about naming the child after himself.

             
After we were back in the hospital room after the delivery, Noah asked me what I wanted to call the boy.

             
“You don’t want me to name him after you do you? Noah, this is your son!”

             
“Cameron, let’s not fight about this now. Why don’t we name the baby after your father? I know how close the two of you were? I think it would be a fitting tribute to him, don’t you?

             
I knew that there was no point in arguing with him. In his mind, the child would never be his and I found myself wondering how I could be with someone who didn’t trust me or believe in his own child.

             
The following morning we took Benjamin Samuel Alexander home with us, and I couldn’t help but notice how Noah had as little contact with the child as possible.

             
For me, getting accustomed to being a new parent was far more daunting than chasing bad guys. It took all of our strength to adjust to Ben’s schedule of sleeping and eating. At that moment my son became my life.

             
And even though Noah never acknowledged it there were little things about Ben that only made it clear to him that Ben was his son.

             
Ben had the same hair color as Noah, the same eyes--even his tiny features were beginning to resemble his father’s. In my mind I didn’t understand how Noah could have any doubts left. But in Noah’s mind, what he believed to be my past mistakes, hung between us constantly.

             
But we were happy in spite of our problems. I loved Noah and I wanted to grow old with him. I couldn’t understand why someone as intelligent as Noah couldn’t see the truth.

             
And so we lived our lives together, happy for the most part even though Noah was hesitant with Ben in the beginning. But as time went by, he ended up spending more and more time with him. Taking over the care of our son, which allowed me time to work on my website.

             
Ben grew like crazy during that first year. Before we knew it we were celebrating his first birthday and then his second.

             
And still there was no word from Davis or Judah or The Organization for that matter. And I begin to relax. I was actually starting to believe that we were just another happily married couple working hard and raising our child as best we could.

             
We begin to join in more community events. We were...normal.

             
But for two former agents, living a normal life could be just as challenging as the lives we’d led in the past. Oh don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t love the choices I’d made in leaving The Organization behind, and I believed Noah felt the same. But there was always a certain amount of looking back over your shoulder wondering if the past would find you once again.

             
I mean, we’d dealt with some pretty disturbing characters in our tenure. And then there was the fact that our cover had been blown. What if someone we’d pissed off along the way chose to make good on one a threat? I now found myself with yet another fear. How to protect our child from the past?

             
But as the months, and then years went by, and Ben grew from infant to toddler to small child, those fears began to fade somewhat. They became little more than a disturbing reminder of the past life Noah and I had both been lucky to escape.

             
Our future now was each other and our child. There were times, as Ben got older and closer to starting school that Noah and I found ourselves talking about having another child.

             
Noah never brought up my past with Davis ever again. It was as if that time in our lives no longer mattered. I believed in his heart, Ben was his child. And Noah was everything to his son. For Ben the world revolved around his father.