ShameLess (25 page)

I turn to face her, rolling over, trying to yank the covers back up. “No. Stop this. This has to stop. You are fucking miserable. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you sulk. This is not your life as a broken record spinning, ‘It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to’! I am not minimizing what you’ve been through. I’m not. I love you. And, that is why I’m helping you to start facing the days. No more lying in bed. No more sleeping your days away. You need to wake up and give thanks that you’re alive! You survived. It’s time you stop accepting blame for everyone and everything and start fucking surviving!”

I hear her words, as the words of the song twirl with my swirling emotions. I do want to cry, but I honestly do not think I have any more tears left to shed – not from my eyes, heart, or soul. I’m numb. Completely, and utterly numb. I miss Stefan, but he lied. I want him, but he betrayed me. I love him, but I hate what he did to me, even though a sliver of me understands why.

Slowly, and sluggishly, I drag myself from despair, rising from bed. “You know, I can cry today, if I wanted to, but lucky for you, I’m all cried out,” I retort, making my way to the counter to turn on the Keurig mini.

I walk over only to notice it is already warmed up. Instantly, I know she did this for me. “Thank you.” I say, continuing toward the bathroom.

When I step back into the room, Debi is here. She walks over, hugging me, and I find myself hugging her back. Hugs have a way of instantly making you feel special, loved, and needed. I smirk to myself. Actually, I genuinely smile and it is the first time in days.

“There! There is my girl.” Jade asserts as she rushes over to join in the hug.

“Okay, we have so much to do today, where should we begin?” she exclaims as we break our united embrace. I sincerely find myself coming around. I owe it to these girls, my girls, my friends. Right now, I am so very thankful for them. Nevertheless, a huge piece of my heart is missing and I find myself lost in seconds of fleeting thoughts wondering what Stefan is doing.

“First things first…And, first, Ren needs to decide what she is going to do about her life. She can’t celebrate a day of her birth without knowing which direction she wants to go with each day that follows. So, before we do anything,” Debi pauses, turning toward me with her hands partially raised in midair to say, “What are you planning to do?” Her unexpected words; her question, floors me.

Why do I have to decide? Why now and what if I don’t want to?

I am so stunned, I cannot reply. I know she is being a great friend challenging me this way. It is the ‘bitch slap’ I need; I am sure of it. As I head toward the coffee maker to slip in a K-cup of
Breakfast Blend
, I contemplate my situation. Details of the past few months soar around in my head like bats fleeing their cave upon the dark of night. I feel like covering my head, and hiding from all of it.

Eventually, after adding creamer and sugar to my coffee, and stirring it repeatedly while lost in thought, I stop. I spin around to face them both who are appearing too eager to hear my reply, and I give them the best I have, “I’m not. I’m seriously trying to process all of this. I don’t know how to go on. I am doing the best I can, but I don’t know if my best is enough this time. I finally felt like I had gotten to a place where I was stronger, or at least was growing stronger; then, BAM! All of this shit smacks me right in the face, leaving its impact and emotional madness in its wake. I wasn’t looking for him. Hell, I didn’t ask for him! In fact, I wasn’t looking for anyone at all. Then, my past slams into my present with not only Tucker and Stefan, but finding out my dad really isn’t my dad. My birth dad is actually some fucked up piece of shit that was on a rampage to reckon his own psychopathic insanity. Now, you please tell me how this does not have me fucked up.”

I glare at both of them still reeling in my outpouring, “Oh! It gets better! The dad I grew up knowing as my dad, who actually is not the one that helped create me, but is the one that has molded me into who I am becoming hired a guy to protect me, who I ended up falling in love with. To top all of this off, the mother that has always nurtured me, kissed my boo-boo’s and who mended my first broken heart, is the one who, at my age, was raped by the fucker that came back to kill me or have me kill others with him.”

Really!

All of it sails out of my mouth in a heated, escalated tone, through gasps and pants, with a massive ton of tears to follow. I sink to the floor, and draw my knees to my chest, captive to my heavy sobbing.
How am I supposed to go on?

At some point, I must have even screamed this out to Debi and Jade between emotional outbursts, free-flowing tears and nervous energy because they are both at my side, hugging me tight until all three of us are pushed over together rolling backwards moving in full embrace. Immediately, one of us, and I cannot recall who started it first, instigates full-blown laughter that provokes all three of us into hysterics. It is to the point our stomach muscles are hurting, along with tears of sorrow, pain, and amusement possessing this very moment and us.

Without delay, Debi starts singing, “Hit me with your best shot, and fire away!”

The powerful lyrics of this Pat Benatar song fills the room as Jade joins in, “You come on with a come on, you don't fight fair, but that's O.K., see if I care!”, and then I add, “Knock me down, it's all in vain I'll get right back on my feet again!”

“YES!” Debi shouts, raising her hands in the air, and then shoves me into Jade.

That makes Jade shove me back into Debi who is shout-singing, “Fire away, Ren. You’ve been knocked down. Now, what are you going do about it?” Jade shoots Debi a look of ‘you’re next’.

As commanded, Debi looks right at me, “You, Ren, are going to get back on your feet again! Pinky promise me you’ll call Dr. Bradford and schedule an appointment to see him.”

They both move in near me at the exact same time, and drag me back into a huge group bear hug.

I hold up my pinky, and loop hers with mine, “I promise, but not today.”

“Fine. Not today. But, at least you’re calling. Now, like I said, let’s get you up and going, Darlin’. We have a party to attend, and I happen to be besties with the guest of honor. In fact, I have it on good authority that it’s her birthday today so this is going to be one helluva party, girl! Let’s go get our groove on!” Jade pats my back while standing and stretches her hand out to me, offering me help to get on my feet again.

With that, the three of us share in the very moment that has me ready to find my way – again!

Stefan

I saw every hour on the hour again. I know I have likely counted every single star in the sky. The sun is rising now as I stand, feet unmoving, in this same spot gazing out of the same damn window and silently watching the moon that kept company with me last night.

It is now six o’clock in the morning, and after every waking hour through the darkness, I have concluded that no matter what, I need to do whatever I can to get Ren back. She is my everything, and I am nothing without her.

I have spent the past several days and nights running every single detail through my mind. Nothing less than having her in my life will do. I am going to get it right this time! It is time to set my plan in motion…

S’renaty

It is time to get this party started. Well, that’s what Debi and Jade have finally convinced me. I promised them both I will try. Actually, I pinky-promised them that I would see Dr. Bradford, and I will. I also promised to let them celebrate ‘me’ today, and that I would put on a ‘happy face’. I would only agree to the first two parts of the deal, not the latter, and after a little harassing, they finally relented.

We are going to follow through with the initial plan of having the 80’s party. I only know the theme but not its location. I do not know whether to be fearful or excited. Right or wrong, I am not quite certain but I suppose time will tell.

The entire day, the girls force and coerce me into moving – literally. They enforce my showering when I only want to wash my face, throw my hair up, slip into some sweats and a pair of comfy sneaks. They insist I wear jeans and a sweater. They also drive me to eat.

“You’re going to eat. And, I know the perfect place,” Jade insists too enthusiastically, while Debi links her elbow through mine leading me out the door aping Jade’s eagerness.

At some point in time, Jade even refers to their insistence as, ‘friendship therapy’, and, “It’s free, too!” She further stressed.
Some therapy!

Minutes later, we are pulling into Starbucks. My stomach takes an instant dive and sinks. I instantly want to throw up the only thing currently taking up space there, my coffee from earlier! I fight past the flash images of the first time I ever saw Stefan here. I can visit him perfectly in my mind with the recollection. I hear the tone of his voice, see his wink, and watch his swagger as he walks away from me that day. I realize I am being silly, and just need to grit through and push on…so, I exit the car and follow my friends inside.

Jade and Debi order ahead of me, and I approach the counter to place mine. The cashier prepares it, and brings it over to me. I find it strange that she starts to turn her back away from me after handing me my coffee and blueberry muffin, but says nothing other than “have a nice day”. She just continues about her duties, starting to rinse out the blender she used to prepare my white chocolate mocha latte.

“Excuse me,” I interrupt her but do not wait for her reply. “I didn’t pay for my items.”

The clerk walks back over to me, smiling, “Oh, it’s already paid for,” which leaves me, baffled, but I thank her, and find my way to the table where Jade and Debi are sitting.

As I scoot into the seat next to Jade, I quickly thank them generically, not knowing which of the two paid for my stuff. They both look at me confused, and ignore me to continue with their conversation.

Paying no further mind, I begin to listen to them talking about what they have to do before the party later this afternoon. Since I really am still not hungry, I just start picking bites from my muffin. It's when I raise my coffee to my lips that I'm stopped in my tracks.

A note. I set it back down on the table. I have no idea how I missed this before, but it is actually sticking out from under the hot sleeve wrapped around my coffee. I pluck it the rest of the way out. It reads, ‘ALWAYS’.

My heart stops.
Stefan!
I try not to seem out of sorts so I quickly stuff the note inside my jeans pocket. I am hoping neither of them noticed, but to be safe, I ask, “Are we about ready to go?” Jade and Debi give a thumbs up to acknowledge me, but continue talking about our outfits for later.

After a few more stops, we head back to the dorm to start getting ready. Well, so I thought. They drop me off, instructing me to wear what is laid out on the bed, no ‘ifs’, ‘ands’, or ‘buts’. Reluctantly, I agree, more to pacify them than initiate an argument. I do think it is odd that they are not worried about the time factor here.