ShameLess (26 page)

The entire day was spent putzing around, running errands, picking up food items, and some last minute things. Now, we are really pushing the clock to get to the party by four o’clock. It is not until later when I am in our dorm room, after my shower that it dawns on me that I have no idea how I am getting to the party and still do not even know where it is. I text Jade, asking. Within seconds, she replies, “just be ready, stop worrying.”

I head over to the bed, locate the Pat Benatar outfit, and squeak with joy for the first time in several days! This is going to be so much fun! Instant excitement fills me as our earlier rendition of the song’s lyrics replay in my memory. I hurriedly pull together the look, putting on the black leather pants, and the red and white stripped long sleeve V-neck shirt. I slip into the black heeled boots that fold down above the ankle. As a final addition, I put the wide black belt around my waist, place the sequin headband around my head, positioning it on my forehead, and add a pair of big hoop earrings. I tease my hair, adding lots of hairspray. Then, I complete my look with a dark black eyeliner application for that 80’s dramatic eye, and apply lots of lip-gloss for shine.

Before three-thirty, perfectly timed with my finishing getting ready, I receive a text from Debi, saying, “Be outside in the parking lot waiting. Look for the red car with a smiley face on the antenna.”

I release an audible chuckle after reading that one.
Smiley face?
I simply shoot back a “k”, and grab my jean jacket, pull the locked door shut behind me, and head for the lot to wait.

No sooner do my feet hit the blacktop, the red car is there, and the brunette behind the wheel is waving, and honking to get my attention.

Walking toward her, I notice she is putting the passenger window down, “Ren, Hi! I’m Alli,” and pointing to the two girls who are sitting in the backseat, “and, this is Ashley, and Kathy. Get in. Debi sent us for you, we hear it’s your birthday and it’s time to par-tay!”

I open the door, and climb in. Immediately, the girls get under way talking about how Debi is a friend so any friend of Debi’s is a friend of theirs. I am at ease almost immediately. They are so similar to Debi; warm, open, and friendly, that they make it easy for me.

As Alli drives, we all take turns chatting and the conversation flows extremely well. Ashley and Alli are identical twin sisters who grew up with Debi. All three of them met Kathy during freshman orientation, and again later during an Intro to Marketing class, they shared. They proceed filling me in on how they have stayed friends and how they all share an apartment off campus together now. Debi opted to stay in the dorms versus moving in with them, since she would rarely be there anyway since she spends most of her time at Zak’s. She felt it’s crazy to pay rent.

Finally, we approach…

“My beach house? My party is here? Say it isn’t so…” I am flabbergasted the girls would do this to me. Surely, they know I have not been back here since
that
night.
Why would they do this to me?

As I scan around the interior of the car, I specifically make it a point to look each girl directly in the eye, but each of them just shrugs, never offering any satisfying answer. Alli pulls in, and parks.

Making my way around the house, everyone jumps out yelling, “SURPRISE!” I pretend to be ecstatic but inside I am fuming, until I see Jade and Debi standing front and center. They are grinning, laughing, and exuding such enthusiasm – for me.

Jade is dressed as Cyndi Lauper wearing black fishnet stockings that have black lace around each calf. She has paired black tutu trimmed in pink lace with a leopard print cami top. Black ankle boots and huge hoop earrings finish her outfit. Jade even went as far as to spray fluorescent pink in her teased bob. She looks amazing!

Debi stands to her right and is dressed up as Madonna. She absolutely nailed her look from the Borderline album, from the black leather jacket and plain white t-shirt to the black and white striped hat with the big black bow in the front. Of course, her arms are weighed down by tons of bangle bracelets, and a several chains hang around her neck, one with a huge cross hanging in the center.

My friends have really outdone themselves, and now have me smiling, from ear to ear, too. “You both look awesome!”

They each walk over to me, hugging me, saying, “Happy birthday! You look amazing, too!” Each of them then mutters something about needing to go help out my Mom and Aunt Melanie, and catching up with me later, before galloping off toward the house.

As I survey the rest of area and look at all of the faces of which most of them, I recognize from either becoming acquaintances with, or talking to briefly through Jade or Debi, or
him.
Some I do not know at all, but can only assume they must be here with someone who was invited. Not everyone is dressed up, but the majority is, especially the girls.

Everyone I see during a scanning glimpse went all out having fun dressing within the theme. I see some awesome rockers among us. This makes me openly smile with warm affection that they would do this for me. There is big teased hair, matching my own, leggings with leg warmers, off the shoulder cut shirts, long oversized shirts with wide belts, miniskirts, and just all of it makes me genuinely smile.

People are everywhere. Some are on the tiered deck, some stand conversing in the sand. Many lit tiki torches are single-handedly stuck in the sand irregularly placed. There is no rhyme or reason but it works; and, works very well. Downward, sits the fire pit, with a roaring fire. It is THE fire pit Stefan had going that night… I shudder at the thought, not wanting to revisit it now. Swiftly, I shove it down.

Noticing more, I take in all of the balloons tied around the railing of the deck. There is a DJ, set up on the bottom deck. He waves at me, and announces my arrival. I wave back, blushing profusely as people stop and stare, wave ‘hello’, and shout, “have a drink on me!” Of course, naturally, by this act, every single person looks at me. This has me even more embarrassed, but I suck it up and just hold my head up, waving to them all; putting on my ‘happy face’. Wait! Isn’t this the part of the deal where I agreed
not
to agree with?

On the top deck, tables are set up and are dressed with taupe colored linens matching the color of the sand. Lit votive candles placed sporadically around the tiered platforms vary the heights with differing sizes of bowls holding all of the food. Each votive, I notice, has a piece of raffia tied around its rim with a starfish hanging in the center.
Too cute!
There is a huge punch bowl sitting in the center of another table that is spiked, I am sure. This, too, makes me grin.

I see Jade and Debi and notice they are talking to my mom.
My mom is here?
This seems so incredibly strange to me. Although, I do quickly release the oddity since the house does belong to her and my dad. My dad is also a very responsible adult, not only because of his career, but also because he just always has been regardless of his high profile position. He would not allow a party at the beach house without being here to chaperone, to some degree. I let it go. My socialite mother would not miss a party, let alone miss hosting one, especially for me. Regardless, I am truly happy they are both here. It is no wonder every detail is and has been proactively planned and thought out. Mom must have been helping the girls all along.
Sneaky!
Another grin forms on my face, and this time I truly welcome it.

I love them all. I love that they have done all of this for me. Jade spies me, and I raise my arm to acknowledge I see her, too. She motions for me to come over, but I raise my forefinger up signaling, ‘in a sec’, to allow myself a few more minutes to soak all of this in.

Yes, my mother and Aunt are in every single detail, right down to the huge ass billboard- like posters on easels of several 80’s icons from their album covers, sunken into the sand. There is one of Madonna from her
Like a Virgin
album. I suddenly see another one of Michael Jackson’s
Thriller
, Billy Idol’s
Rebel Yell
, and Def Leppard’s
Pyromania
…my eyes are now fixed on locating these posters. It is out of this world, and I spot another one of Cyndi Lauper’s
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
I love all of this! Every single thought out detail. All. Of. It.

Marching over toward the two-tiered deck through the crowds of people, I am feeling more excited about this night. I am happier than I have been in days. There is still such a huge part of me that despite relishing in all of this misses the one part of me – Stefan. My heart sinks deeper, almost straightaway upon recognizing the hole in my heart; my missing piece. It has taken so much for me to become stronger these past months since coming to school. I fought hard to open myself up and trust, learn, and grow.

For me, my soul struggled past the pain of losing Elle while my heart battled losing the piece of myself that went with her when she died. The other night, learning the truth about who helped create me, what he did to my mom, how my dad coerced and manipulated, but tried to protect me, and how Stefan has been involved has been too much to absorb, and to handle. It was not the time for me to face it. Debi and Jade helped remind me earlier that I do need to do that.
When, I do not know. I’ll leave that for my heart to decide, I suppose.

Determined not to give its presence any further permission to invade my thoughts or show its wear on me externally, I shove it down, preventing additional escape. I need to be thankful and grateful for all of these people showed up tonight for me – to celebrate
my
life. I cannot let any of them know how hard it is for me to do this when I feel like my heart is walking out of my chest – who knows where. I do not see him here, and do not expect him to show up, especially since I refuse to take his calls or texts. I have not answered the door when he has tried to show up to ‘talk to me and explain’. So, why would he be here?

Nope, this piece of me, of my heart, is not. That does not mean I cannot still celebrate the ‘me’ I am without him now. I head off in the direction of the deck to see my friends praying I am actually able to do just that.

My feet carry me a few steps, weaving through a small group of people who are drinking and laughing at the people singing karaoke that has started. I pay attention, laughing too.

Out of nowhere, my mom is by my side. “Happy birthday, Ren.” She draws me into a hug, squeezing me, “I cannot believe my baby is twenty-one.”

I speak up swiftly, “Mom, don’t start crying. It’s just another birthday. Yeah, I might be ‘legal’ now, but it’s still just another day.”

Mom slowly withdraws, pulling me off to the side, “Ren, did you ever wonder what your name means to me? Probably not.”

She hesitates only briefly before following with, “Well, for me, you are special. When that happened to me, I wanted to die. I was in such an emotional state. I quit college, threw out all of my pictures reminding me of that place, and of the people there. I just didn’t want anything at all to do with it. That is why I removed your pictures of Elle. I didn’t want that reminder haunting you. I was trying to protect you. I’m truly sorry if it hurt you.”

Silence occurs as she takes my hands in hers before she goes on, “Anyway, I was shattered, emotionally and physically. I was so violated. I am in a better place now, and that is because your dad loved me. He truly loved me, despite all of that, and he accepted you as his own without any second of doubt or hesitation. From day one, he loved us both – more than enough. Unconditional love. That is exactly what I prayed for you when I found out I was going to have you after being attacked and raped. It was imperative that the tragedies of my past not affect your life. I named you S’renaty because I needed you to have the peace in your life and the hope I didn’t feel in mine during that time. You are my calm,
my
serene, and the one thing; the one person that gave me a reason to live after that is
you
.”

Pausing longer this time, mom deeply sighs as we both share in the release of our tears along with the pain from our souls. I cannot even say a word. There just are not any to say what I feel.

I hug her and whisper, “Thank you for loving me that much. I love you, too!”

Mom wipes the tears from her eyes, then from mine, “Never allow yourself to accept that your past defines you. Tragic events will define who you become, no doubt about it. But, darling, you are so much more than that. Now, enough of this, it’s your birthday and we have so many reasons to celebrate you. Dad’s in the house, taking care of giving orders to the caterers. We’ll take care of hosting. Go have fun with your friends.”

I give her another long loving hug, tell her I ‘love you’ one more time, and dart off again in the direction of the deck to find my friends.

Immediately, I catch my dad stepping out from the doorway, and leaning against the railing of the deck. Our eyes lock briefly. He breaks our stare to motion me over to him. I really do not want to talk to him, but I was taught to be respectful, so I do as I am instructed, and reluctantly go over.

Once I am standing in front of him, what comes next is not only unexpected, but also very surprising. He hugs me, tightly.

At one point, I even fight past the tightness to grunt out through huffed inhalations, “Dad. I can’t breathe,” attempting to withdraw myself a little from him while trying to steal back my air.

“Sorry, squirt. I guess I got a little carried away,” he replies by way of broken chuckles. He has me teetering on the verge of silent giggles.

I immediately recall being a little squirt and he would come home after working a case out of town. He would look so worn out, but as soon as he would see me, his face would light up, but he always squeezed me tight. This moment reminds me of that time so long ago.

“So, what’s up?” I ask, crossing my arms across my chest. I have not forgotten what his mastermind plan to hire Stefan has caused me. I have not just quickly dismissed it, not yet.