Shampoo (13 page)

3.23pm

I’m going insane!!! I’m so bored!!

I just got home from visiting Mum. We washed my
car, me, Mum and Trevor. Trevor made me his green chicken curry,
that I normally love, but just couldn’t stomach today. Mum filled
me up with Coke and pieces of toast with strawberry jam, no butter,
to Trevor calling her ‘the dumbest bitch on the planet’ for making
toast with no butter, and Mum snapping back and the two of them
chainsmoking around me while I coughed nonstop.

(and this is why I don’t visit my
mother)

Was a LONG day.

But it’s nice to see Mum.

(alive, and in small doses)

I want to go out SO BAD. I want to go
clubbing!! I can’t take this aloneness any more!!

I want to go to Mary St tonight, and Dan said
he’d go but Nat doesn’t want us to, which means we won’t, cause Nat
is the boss!! Dan will obey her.

(if he values his life)

But I have no one else to go out
with.

That’s so sad.

Beth might go in with me, but I don’t think I’m
up for Beth tonight.

(I’m awful. Awful!!)

Maybe I should just go to the drive-in. It’s
not partying, but it’s better than nothing.

And it’s only $6 on a Tuesday. I
think.

But damn it!! I wanted to get drunk! Dance
around all night! Dress up! Do my hair! Perve on spunky
boys!

Life’s not fair!

If Richie were here, he’d go out with
me.

Wednesday 9 August 2000

11.05am

Okay, it was an emotional night last
night.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have drunk so much on
liquid codeine, antibiotics, cough mixture and Panadeine
forte.

For the most part, I had an absolute ball, the
best time I’ve had in ages!!! I was like a freed puppy!!! I’ve been
so alone and lonely. Felt so good to be out in the world!!! I
twirled around every post, pole, or hot guy I could
see!!

(hello, World!! How I’ve missed
you!!)

Well, I first stopped in at Beth’s. When she
showed no signs of wanting to go into the city, and began boring
me

(I’m awful I tell ya’s),

I moved onto Dad’s. I got there about 6pm, and
I had all my bags with me, my pillow, my quilt, my make up bag,
determined I was not going to take no for an answer.

Nat took one look at my packed car and burst
out laughing.

It was just me and her home, so we started
drinking vodka and chatting, and it was so nice!! So nice not to be
home in my pink asylum, and all alone.

Then I decided to start ringing around, to try
to get the group out

(Nat and Dan’s group, since I have no group…or
friends!!!),

and I started with Nat’s oldest best friend,
Anita. But she was already going out to a party. We had a lovely
little chat!!

(she was laughing at me, ringing around to get
people to go out)

Then Nat took over, and rang Mark and Josie,
but got Josie’s sister, who said they weren’t home.

So then I asked Nat, as we sat in the lounge
room, drinking vodka, the phone between us, should I ring
Evvy

(real casual-like, I was),

and Nat said, “No, FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKER!!”,
so I tended to agree with her, drank the next vodka shot, and rang
Tom instead.

Tom’s cool. He’s always SO FREAKING NICE to me.
He seems to light up when he talks to me or sees me, which just
gets my hopes up more over his dumb friend, because I figure he
lights up for me cause he knows I’m the love of his best friend’s
life???

(forever delusional. Will go on my
headstone)

Either way, we chatted for ages, about anything
and everything, laughing heaps, but Tom said no to going into the
city, but told me to call Evvy!! See if he’d go in!!

I was all, “I don’t know if he’d want to hear
from me,” and Tom was all, “Yeah, YEAH!! Call him!! Just do it!! He
wants to hear from you!!”

(this is news to me???)

So I stupidly took that advice, and rang the
Fucking Fucker, and he was an absolute rude bastard! Like, THE
WORST.

He didn’t even try to PRETEND to sound happy to
hear from me. I made SUCH an effort, too: I babbled away happily, I
was bubbly, I WAS SO MUCH FUCKING DAMN FUN, just via my voice, and
he was still an ass!

I asked him what he was doing

“
Nothin’ – ”

Then I asked him did he want to go in tonight
–

“
Nut.” (apparently he’s a squirrel
now)

(he kinda does have a pointed, squirrely
face….oh stop. I’m being so mean)

Then I babbled a bit more (while he remained
stubbornly silent) and got off the phone.

It was mortifying.

That BASTARD, for making me feel so
bad.

I hung up the phone so upset, and Nat and I
bagged him out for awhile:

“
Ugh.”

“
He’s such an asshole.”

“
Totally. A big asshole with
no…ass.”

Nat burst out laughing. “He’s lucky to even
have you. The fucking knob.”

“
Such a knob HEAD.”

“
He thinks the sun shines out of his
own asshole.”

“
When it SOOOOO doesn’t.”

“
His ego is so far up his wazoo –
”

“
His hair SUCKED the last time I saw
him.”

(yeah that’s the best I could come up
with)

Nat poured us more vodka, and I abandoned the
phone ring-a-round after Ever just KILLED that game, and we had the
best time getting ready together.

Then Dan and Josh FINALLY turned up, and the
four of us went in together.

I had the best time!!!

We were racing to get there before they stopped
handing out showbags

(Ekka and all, and this being the Ekka showday
public holiday eve),

then we stayed upstairs at Mary St and drank. I
was blind almost instantly (or, already).

I was having such a great time!!

Then we went downstairs, and by this time I was
raring to go, but Nat wasn’t, and she decided to go home!!! And
left us and cabbed it home.

So Dan and Josh stayed with me, and we had an
absolute ball, dancing around, drinking, being stupid. Running
amok.

(my favourite moments in life)

We were those showoffs that dance on the stage,
and hahaha, I’ve never done that before!! Was so fricking fun!! We
danced up a storm together, for hours!!!

(oh my god, was so fun)

Nat’s old school friends were in there, Rebecca
and someone else whose name I can’t remember, THEN I met this
lovely New Yorker who was an absolute STUNNER, then I found out,
through chatting to him, that he’s been to Astoria, and white-water
rafted down the Columbia River IN Astoria.

I just died.

(cause I’m Goonies mad, keep up,
Diary)

Then, like this is not enough to equal this guy
is my True Love, he asks me to go back to his hotel for
champagne…

…
and I said no.

Actually, what I said was, “I’m not that kind
of girl.”

(since when?? Why did I have to decide this
then??)

Then he just looked sad and said
bye.

Ugh. That guy could’ve been my destiny. And all
I kept thinking about was Ever.

That stupid fucker ruins everything.

Then, after that, back down on the dancefloor
downstairs, this really sleazy guy just grabs me and kisses me, and
I pushed him away so far

(after I struggled for a bit to unlock his
lips)

and fast that he went flying across the
dancefloor and landed on his ass.

(oh God, that was FUNNY)

Dan and I stumbled home at 3am (we’d lost Josh
hours ago), and I burst into (drunk) tears, then Nat was yelling at
me that I was being “too loud.”

(while I cried)

I think everything just got to me in that
intoxicated moment: Evvy, being sick and alone for so long, no one
around.

It was all too much. On gallons of vodka,
tequila, two dollar strawberry daiquiris and all my
medication.

4.32pm

Passed out.

I find out from Nat today that she saw Evvy and
Tom arrive at Mary St as she was leaving!!! I can’t believe
it!!

Dan and I didn’t see them in there at
all.

He came in, that’s the point. Tom probably
talked him into it.

I love Tom!!!

I also failed to mention I saw Rich’s sister
downstairs at Mary St! She made me miss Rich even more. She looked
so much like him last night, my heart tore. I gave her a big hug
and a kiss. She talked about him coming home, and my heart soared.
Was confirmation he IS actually coming home. Not just saying he is
then bailing, like he did last time.

I had such a ball with Dan last night. We were
blind! We haven’t laughed like that together in ages. Dan is so fun
to go out with.

I’m feeling the effects today. My cough’s no
worse but I feel beaten. I’m literally sore to touch all
over.

I’m so happy I got to go out though. Totally
worth it!! There’s nothing like a night out on the town…can get me
through weeks!! I like live off it for awhile.

6.45pm

Just got really sad again. Coming down from my
high!

I want to be back at work. I’m so
lonely.

Thursday 10 August 2000

12.53pm

So bored, and still have half a day to
fill.

I’ve already taken Mum and Trevor to the shops,
then I went to Indro, wandered around.

(like a lost human being)

I’ve spoken to Nat, and she’s not sure about
moving out with me now!!! That so upset me, cause I was so looking
forward to it.

She’s probably worried her boyfriend and her
sister will go out clubbing on week nights too much!!!

(she should be worried. We so would!!! And
it’ll be so fun!!)

5.02pm

I went and did some food shopping at Fairfield,
then went for a drive along the river, to get my mind off
everything.

It didn’t work, but it was beautiful. I love
feeling the sun on me so much!!

Something’s happened to me lately. I’ve become
so restless. I can’t find enough to do. I’m so bored all the
time.

I guess I’m just a bit stir-crazy too. I’ve
already had like a year like this, off with my back, then I finally
get my life back and get felled by whopping cough.

(and the flu. Stupid evil flu)

I’m waiting for Dan to ring, to tell me what
time to meet him and Josh at the gym.

9.19pm

Met Dan and Josh at the gym at like 6.20pm. I
went hard for an hour and a half! Proud of myself. The gym’s a
great way to get my mind off Evvy, since I’m too busy dying, trying
to make it to the end, to even think of him.

The exercise made me feel so good!

Dan and I were talking about Evvy tonight, and
I was wondering whether to just bite the bullet, accept the fucker
as he is and his relationship limitations, but Dan was all, no,
don’t give in, that I can’t NOT care about him, I need it proper.
It’s who I am!

(is it??)

I’m in it for love, he said, which is very
true.

He’s right. I’ll still be as miserable as I was
if I go back to him as it was.

Only 3 more days till I’m back at work. Thank
God.

Friday 11 August 2000

2.13pm

I’m having a picnic

(by myself – story of my life)

at Forest Lake. It’s heavenly. I love it. I
love being out in nature, near water or on water,
especially.

I’m in that exact spot Sherrie and I had our
picnic last year. I’m reading through all my old diaries. Gives me
perspective sometimes.

I was so settled, so happy, in my last diary.
Just happy in my own existence. Now I feel frazzled and unsettled
again.

That’s what men do to you.

I feel like I’ve allowed Evvy to flip me upside
down, and I’m losing myself again in our ‘not’
relationship.

I’ve taken everything for granted again…all
that pain I went through, all that abuse. I’m not where I was, so I
need to just chill, and enjoy life and people again. And maybe just
chill and enjoy Evvy??