Shatnerquake (5 page)

CHAPTER SIX

Bob walked up to the film schedule to see what was currently showing.
 
As he read, he absentmindedly rubbed his chest, it was still sore from when the security guard had pushed him.
 
According to the paper, theater two, which he was currently outside of, was in the middle of a Star Trek marathon.
 
Bob grinned—this would make him feel better after all the shit that had already happened to him.

The theater had a snack stand window just next to the door.
 
Bob walked up to it and studied the menu.
 
A bag of popcorn was priced at eighteen dollars.
 
Bob gasped.
 
This was an atrocity!
 
But crunchy popcorn coated with greasy movie theater pseudo-butter would surely hit the spot right now.

He stood at the window grumbling to
himself
over having to endure yet another indignity.
 
His outrage turned to annoyance as no salesperson appeared.
 
He waited a few more minutes and then decided to just go in the theater.
 
He would rather sit and enjoy the adventures of the USS Enterprise than wait for some volunteer who flaked off.

When he entered the theater he was surprised to find it completely empty except for one lone person sitting in the center of the front row.
 
It was strange to see such a large room so barren.
 
Bob walked in and found himself a seat near the center.

The man in front was loudly laughing and clapping his hands.
 
He was oddly amused for an episode of Star Trek.
 
Bob tried to ignore him and focus on the show.

It seemed to be an episode that Bob did not immediately recognize, which was strange as he had seen every episode of the Original Series sixty-seven times.
 
Spock, McCoy, Sulu, and Chekov were discussing the sudden disappearance of Captain Kirk.
 
The characters seemed more scared and worried than Bob had ever remembered seeing them.

The man in front hooted and Bob took his eyes off the screen to glare at him, but the man was no longer there.
  
Bob sat up to get a better look at the front row.
 
The man really was gone.

Bob sat back, relieved to be rid of the nuisance.
 
He jumped when he realized there was now someone sitting next to him.
 
The man was facing him, with a broad, slightly unhinged smile.
 

The man leaned closer and Bob gasped when he saw the face of William Shatner.
 

“Hi, I’m Bill,” said the man offering his hand, “my my, you’re a good looking fellow.”

“Thanks,” said Bob shaking his hand, “and we’ve already met.”

“Oh, we have?” the Shatner’s left eye twitched, “my mistake.”

Then the man was gone.
 
One moment he was sitting next to Bob and the next, the seat was empty.
 
Bob looked around confused and a little unnerved.
 
Perhaps his mother was right and he really was going crazy over William Shatner.
   

“If you’re looking for a good price on airplane tickets, I know a place.”

Bob jumped and spun around, the Shatner was now sitting on his other side.
 

“…no…thanks.”
  
Bob was getting a little scared.
 
He was sure this was not the real William Shatner.
 
His suit was different from what he was wearing earlier and it was not one of his public appearance suits.
 
He was wearing one of the suits that Shatner reserved for commercials.
 

The man was acting very differently from how Shatner had when Bob met him in the signing room.
 
Bob was also fairly sure the real William Shatner did not have teleporting abilities no matter how bad-ass that would be.

“How about a four star hotel at a two star rate?” eagerly asked the Shatner.

“No, I don’t want anything.”
 
Bob stood and went to leave.
 
This guy was starting to get to him.
  

Suddenly the man was in the row behind Bob and placed both of his hands firmly on Bob’s shoulders and pushed him back into the seat.

“You’re just stressed out.
 
Sit back, relax, enjoy the show, and then we can discuss business,” said the Shatner as he started to give Bob a shoulder massage.

Bob would have protested but the Shatner’s hands felt so good.

He watched the screen and a Redshirt walked onto the bridge.

“Lieutenant Leslie,” said Spock, “what are you doing away from your post?”

Lieutenant Leslie pulled out a phaser and pointed it at Spock.
 
“I’m here because I’m tired of taking orders from you boy scouts.
 
There are going to be some changes around here.”

The Shatner continued to knead and his grip was starting to get a bit uncomfortably hard.
 
Watching the show was not helping Bob.
 
He could feel a primal kind of panic creeping into his head.
 

There was something very wrong here.
 

To confirm Bob’s suspicions, Lieutenant Leslie
phasered
Spock on the screen.
 
McCoy ran to hold his dead friend.
 
Leslie stood atop the Captain’s chair and let loose a series of laughs that would make a mad scientist proud.
 
Sulu and Chekov bowed in worship of their new master.
 
A chill went down Bob’s spine.
 

He jumped to his feet.

“What’s wrong?” asked the Shatner.
 
He sounded genuinely concerned.
 

“We’ll talk business later,” shouted Bob as he ran for the exit.

“Come back!
 
I can get you anything you want,” called the Shatner as Bob fled from the theater.

* * *

“This is too fucking weird,” said Bruce as she pace back and forth.
 
The small meeting room was crowded with people and they were beginning to get to her.

“Calm down,” said Bruce.
 
He stood up and walked over to Bruce.
 
He held her shoulders, “I know, I know.
 
But think of it.
 
We’re going to be heroes, saints for the Bruce on high.”

She hugged Bruce, tears streaming down her face.
 
“I know, but this is all a little much to handle.”

“This is very touching,” Bruce and Bruce turned to face Denny Crane, “but time is wasting.”

Crane held out his hand, “so do we have a partnership?”

Bruce let go of Bruce and shook Crane’s hand.

“Excellent,” said Crane, “once you do what you need to…he’s ours.”

The room was then full of excitement and talking.
 
Bruce wiped the tears from her face and looked at the roomful of Shatners.
 
Through her blurred vision she could not tell any of them apart.
 

She looked to Bruce who was standing next to Denny Crane.
 
Crane’s smile was too big for her taste.
 
She then looked to Bruce who was leaning against the side wall and had been remaining awfully quiet.
 
His eyes met
her’s
and he nodded at her.
 

“Too fucking weird,” he said.

* * *

Natalie could hear a strange buzzing sound but see only black.
 
From somewhere near came the scent of strawberries.
 
She felt very cold.

The buzzing turned into a low drone as her vision faded in.

She found herself looking through the windshield of the old ambulance at a banged and bloodied Shatner.
 

About fucking time I found him.

She tried to move but could not.
 
Her body felt strange, her waist throbbed and she could not feel her legs.
 
She looked down and screamed.

Her body had been cut completely in half by the vehicle.
 
Her torso was sitting upright on the hood of the ambulance and that was all that was holding in her innards.
 
Thick, dark blood oozed from where she met the metal.

“Despite suffering extreme physical trauma, Natalie Albright remained conscious and aware of her situation.”

Natalie stifled her cries and looked to see another Shatner standing next to the wreckage.
 
He was standing near the wreckage but was not looking at her.
 
He was staring intently off into the corner of the room.
 
She looked in that direction but there was nothing there.

“Please.
 
Help me,” she said.

“Victims of similar injuries have been known to live up to hours after having the incapacitating incident.
 
But they never survive movement attempts by rescuers.”

“Please.”

“Will she survive or will she be yet another tragic story on this already dreadful day.
 
Stay tuned to this special convention edition of Rescue 911.”

He stood still and stared straight ahead, waiting for the commercials to start.
 
Natalie weakly coughed up black speckled blood.

“And we’re off,” said the Shatner as his pose noticeably relaxed.
 
He reached into his pants pocket and took out a handful of chocolate candies.
 
He popped one into his mouth.

“This is
gonna
be really great stuff,” he said through a full mouth.
 
“Full of drama.
 
You’re really good.
 
Oh, here, you want one?”

The Shatner tossed her a piece of candy and Natalie reached to catch it purely out of reflex.
 
The sudden movement was enough to throw off her balance and she tipped over.
 
Her torso hit the metal with a dull thump.
 
She moaned low as her blood and insides rushed out.

The Shatner chewed and watched the red wave of viscera rush down the hood of the ambulance.
 
Natalie tried lifting an arm toward him but it fell down limp.