Shatnerquake (7 page)

Kirk saw this and from somewhere inside his head a voice said
he’s dead Jim.

Shatner turned to face Kirk and raised the bat’leth.
 
Kirk looked around and grabbed a black tube from another table.
 
A brave fanboy ran up and grabbed the object as well and the two wrestled over it.
 
The fanboy had two feet and a good two hundred pounds on Kirk.
 
Shatner smiled, he was finally getting some help.

The fanboy tossed Kirk about, but Kirk refused to let go of the tube.
 
His thumb found a button on the side.
 
Instantly a red beam shot out into the fanboy’s stomach.
 
He let go.
 
Kirk raised the tube and the beam sliced neatly through the fanboy.
 
He fell to his knees as his copious intestines unraveled onto the floor.
 

Kirk turned around and marveled at the laser-sword as the fanboy tried to put his guts back in

“Oh shit, Captain Kirk’s got a
lightsaber
,” someone yelled.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Bruce was getting uneasy about Bruce and Bruce.
 
They were getting too close for the good of the mission.
 
Bruce was having a hard time dealing with all that had been happening and Bruce was too into her and playing the supportive role to see that she was not holding up.
 
Since the Shatners came into the picture, Bruce hadn’t stopped crying.

The Shatners.

Bruce didn’t like the Shatners.
 
They did not feel right to him.
 
It made him sick to look at them.
 

There were ten Shatners in their group.
 
Denny Crane seemed to be their leader.
 
Bruce had no idea who Denny Crane was but he claimed to be the greatest lawyer in history.
 
The other Shatners were much less talkative.
 
One, whose clothes and skin were colored like a black and white TV show, seemed to be in a constant state of nervous breakdown.
 
One wore an outfit that reminded Bruce of the outfits at a Renaissance Fair when he was a boy.
 
He walked with his arms limp at his
side,
his head hung low, and occasionally sighed.
 

Another of the Shatners danced in front of him and got down on his knees.
 
“This…is…our…destiny.”

“Sorry about earlier.
 
You know, with the whole hitting you thing,” said Bruce.

The Shatner ignored him and pranced away.
 

“What’s with him?” muttered Bruce.

“Ignore him,” said Crane, “he just wants attention.”

* * *

Kirk moved toward Shatner twirling the
lightsaber
from side to side, the blade instantly devaluing collectibles and severing limbs.

Shatner spun the bat’leth in front of him and stepped forward to meet his combatant.

Kirk swung the
lightsaber
.

Shatner moved to the side and hit Kirk in the back with the bat’leth’s dull side.
 

Kirk spun around and swiped widely through the air with his weapon.

Shatner dropped to his knees, and the
lightsaber
went over his head.
 
He attacked again with the bat’leth.
 
This time the sharp side made contact and cut through Kirk’s uniform and girdle.
 
The blade slid into his side and black goo splashed out onto Shatner.

Kirk stumbled back and held his wound.
 
He raised the
lightsaber
and went to make another attack.
 
But before he could, a twelve inch by twelve inch steel Borg ship replica came flying through the air and bounced off the side of his head.
 
Kirk crumbled straight to the floor.
   

Shatner turned and was horrified to see it was Bob who had saved his life.

Bob rushed forward and grabbed Shatner’s arm.
 
“Come on, we got to go.”

Shatner looked to the twitching Kirk and did not really see a better option.
 

* * *

Kirk lay on the ground flashing in and out of consciousness, his legs jerking uncontrollably.
 
Then he went totally still.

He suddenly sat up.
 
Something did not feel right in his head.
 
He balled his hands into fists and slammed them into his temples, again and again.

He picked up the
lightsaber
and lurched to his feet.
 
A small crowd of onlookers had now gathered around Kirk.
 
He took two groggy steps forward and then flicked on the
lightsaber
.
 
When the beam shot out the crowd jumped back.

Kirk smiled and started swinging

There definitely was something wrong with Captain Kirk’s head.

CHAPTER NINE

Shatner and Bob raced through the hallways.
 
The convention was now in a total state of mass panic.
 
News of the death and destruction had filtered its way to all the attendees.
 

“Where…are we going?” asked Shatner as they rushed through another doorway and pushed passed frightened convention goers.

“I don’t know,” said Bob, “anywhere away from Kirk.”

They ran on and then Bob stopped.

“In here,” he said as he threw open one of the many nondescript doors that lined the hallway.
 
Shatner ran into the room as Bob looked back to see if Kirk was coming.
 
Luckily for them, he was nowhere in sight.
 
Then Bob ran through the door.

The room was fifty feet wide and went back twenty.
 
The walls were lined with tables loaded down with booze and food and about a dozen metal folding chairs.
 
Gold balloons danced about the ceiling with the air conditioning and the walls draped with gold streams.
 
A few scattered purses and backpacks were about.
 
The partiers must have fled the room in a hurry when everything started going down.

Bob turned the deadbolt on the door and push in the knob lock.
 
He leaned against the door and looked around.

“I think we’re in the Green Room,” he said.

“About…damn time…I…found this place,” Shatner said heading for the table piled high with sandwich meat.

“You’re braver than I am,” said Bob going for the wine and cheese spread, “who knows how long that meat has been sitting out.”

“When you’ve…been on…the convention circuit…as long…as I have,” Shatner said through an over-filled mouth, “you…can…handle anything.”

Bob snorted and began to gorge himself on fine cheeses.
 
Both men were ravenous.
 
It had been a very eventful day.
 

Bob heard a very faint sound of movement behind him.
 
It was barely noticeable but he was sure he heard it.
 

He spun around and heard a much louder noise, like someone ducking for cover.
 
He scanned the room.
 
The room was decently large but there was nowhere for anyone to hide.
 
From where he stood, Bob could see under all the tables.
 
All the chairs were folding chairs, so no one could be hiding behind them.
 
The only door was the door that led back into the hallway and he was sure no one had opened it—the bolt was still locked.
     

“Hey Bill.”

“Yeah,” he said through a mashed up combination of salami, brie, and melon balls.

“I think there’s someone else in the room.”

Shatner froze and forced the mouthful of food down his throat.
 
His head slowly turned as he looked for any sign of an intruder.

“I…don’t see…anyone,” said Shatner.

“Neither do I,” Bob’s eyes fiercely narrowed, “but I
heard
them.”

Bob motioned for Shatner to move forward and they began to slowly move across the room.
 
Their senses were on edge, trying to identify the intruder.
 
They made it to the other side of the room, but there was no indication of anybody.
 

“I think…you’re…losing it,” said Shatner.

“Wait,” said Bob pointing, “that wasn’t there before.”

In the left corner of the room was a full-sized cardboard cutout of Captain Kirk.
 
The display was not made from a photo-however, it was an
artists
rendition of the Starfleet hero done with a sixties pop-art vibe.
 

“Are you sure…you just…didn’t notice it?”

Bob approached the cutout.
 
“Not a chance.
 
This is a display of the woefully short lived Star Trek: Animated Series Kirk.”
 

He stood directly in front of Cartoon Kirk and stared intently at the face.
 
“Incredible.
 
I never even knew these were made.
 
I thought I had the full collection of cutouts but somehow I miss—”

Cartoon Kirk blinked.

Bob jumped back and tripped over his own feet.
 
“Holy shit,” he gasped as he fell on his ass.

The cutout sprung to life and turned its side to Bob.
 
It was gone.

Bob got to his feet and looked around—there was no sign of Cartoon Kirk.
 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he started walking around the edge of the room in a wide arc.
 
He motioned to Shatner to do the same.
 

As he passed the cheese table, Bob snatched a large knife off it.
 
Shatner saw this and quickly grabbed his own from a nearby tuna spread.

As they moved around the room a shape began to take form in the center.
 
First it looked like a person sized stick and then, as they moved further around, the shape became the clear form of Cartoon Kirk.
 

Bob thrust forward the knife.
 
He was getting tired of all this, “Bill, you get him from behind.”
 
They began to move at him.

Cartoon Kirk got to his knees and put his face in his hands.
 
“Please…just…do…it.”

Shatner and Bob paused in their approach and looked at each other.
 
This was not what they were expecting.
 
They lowered their knives and moved cautiously forward, ready for this to be some kind of trap.

Cartoon Kirk started sobbing, “Please.”

They stood around the two-dimensional Shatner.
 
There was no back and front to the living animation.
 
Though Shatner and Bob were on different sides, they looked down at the same sad image of a crying man.

Cartoon Kirk jumped up and spread out his arms wide.

Shatner screamed and jumped back while slashing with the knife.
 
The blade cut through the figure easily, tearing him from the belly-button to just beneath his left armpit—to Bob it was the right.

Everyone froze and stared at the flapping rip.
 
Cartoon Kirk did not lose any sturdiness to his figure and appeared to be otherwise unharmed.
 
He looked down at the cut and dejectedly
flopped
his arms down.
 
He stared straight ahead at Shatner and Bob.

Bob was getting confused.
 
“Are you…OK?”

“We…do…not…belong here…I…can’t…be here,” his eyes shifted to meet Shatner and Bob’s, “but you…two…do…you are …real…Shatners.”

Bob couldn’t help but feel pride well up inside at being called a “real Shatner.”
 
THE William Shatner was annoyed.

“But…life is…precious…to live…to be free…why
would…anyone
want to…give that up?” Shatner asked.

“I…am…a…shadow of a shadow,” said Cartoon Kirk weakly, “the others…are angry…I’m not…real enough…for anger…you’d…want…to die too.”

They were all silent.

“OK,” said Bob, “let’s give him what he wants.
 
But how do you purpose we do it.”
 
He reached forward and batted the cut flap of cartoon flesh with his hand, “this didn’t work.”

“I…don’t…know,” said Cartoon Kirk, “but…I…can’t live like this.”

Shatner thought hard and then snapped his fingers.
 
“Fire.”

“Fire?” asked Bob.

“You…ever…see a film reel…burn up…in a projector?”

“Yeah,” said Bob, “but where are we going to get fire from.”

“The…bags,” said Shatner pointing, “the purses…and backpacks…surely one of them…belonged…to a smoker.”

Bob nodded and went over to a nearby purse and started digging through it.
 
Shatner found a briefcase and popped it open.
 
Cartoon Kirk watched them without any display of emotion.
 
After checking a few bags, they each found a lighter.

They walked back to Cartoon Kirk

“Are…you…sure about this,” asked Shatner.

Cartoon Kirk nodded, “I’m…ready.”

Shatner and Bob kneeled down in front of Cartoon Kirk, who crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes.

They flicked on the lighters.

“This is the most fucked up thing I’ve ever done,” said Bob.

Simultaneously they put the flames to Cartoon Kirk’s feet.
 
Instantly Cartoon Kirk’s entire body was engulfed in bright blue flames.
 
Shatner and Bob stepped back as the film stock body began to bubble, crackle, and sizzle. The air smelled like someone was burning tires and cats.
             

Cartoon Kirk began to lose form and his body started dripping and flowing down to the floor.
 
In under a minute he was reduced to a pile of steaming, bubbling goo.

Shatner and Bob stood over the mess and then walked to the other side of the room where they sat down.

“You still hungry?” asked Bob.

“No.”

“Neither am I.”

They sat silent.
 
From inside the Green Room all the other sounds of the convention were blocked out.
 
This would be an ideal place to hide.
 
But the smell of burnt Shatner was already getting to Bob and what would they do once the food on the tables ran out or went bad?
 
No, this was no place to live.
 

“So what should we do?” he asked.

Shatner’s brows furrowed as he thought.
 
He looked to the smoldering remains of the Cartoon Kirk.
 
On top of the black sludge a bubble popped.