Shattered Dreams (23 page)
He knew of only one kind of proof she might believe. Before she could turn away from him, he lowered his head and kissed her.
Elly knew nothing could come of the emotions running rampant through her. She knew the dreams of a future with the Earl of Charfield would only end up shattered the same as so many others had. Yet every time he kissed her she lost all sense of what was real and what was fantasy.
Somehow he made kissing him in a moving carriage the most remarkable experience ever.
He braced his elbows on either side of her and cradled her head in the palms of his hands. Then moved his mouth over hers.
She couldn’t get enough of him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, then opened her mouth beneath his to allow him to kiss her more deeply.
She wasn’t sure why she thought it was important to remember every sensation she felt when kissing him, wasn’t sure why she thought it was important to memorize the feel of his touch. Perhaps because she knew she’d never experience such wonder again. Perhaps because she knew when he left their paths would never cross again. Perhaps because her mind knew for a fact what her heart refused to accept.
“Does this give you an idea of how fond I am of you?”
She didn’t answer him. She couldn’t. She didn’t want to consider for a moment that he might be serious. He couldn’t be. He was the Earl of Charfield, the most sought-after bachelor in London.
He was nearing thirty, yet he’d never been married. Why? Because even the most perfect of the debutantes hadn’t been what he was looking for in a wife. She wouldn’t be foolish enough to believe that he’d found what he was searching for in her. And yet...
He brought his mouth down on hers again and kissed her with a passion raw with desire. She wouldn’t let herself believe she could mean something to him. But that didn’t mean she could stop herself from developing feelings for him. Deep feelings.
Feelings so intense she ached from them.
But she didn’t love him.
She wouldn’t allow herself to fall completely in love with him. That would be disastrous. She would love him just a little. Like she loved the special quiet at dawn or the vibrant colors of a perfect sunset. Like she loved the freedom of riding at full gallop over the fields and meadows, or the fresh smell after a spring rain. That’s how she would love him. Like something special. Like something she would yearn for until she experienced it again. Except this was the only time she would ever know what loving him was like.
He turned his head and deepened his kiss.
She raked her fingers through his thick hair, enjoying the feel of it as it curled around her fingers, and she pressed him against her.
Her breaths came in sharp, jagged gasps, as if he were taking the lifeless air from her body and replacing it with a charged substance that could explode at any moment. She held onto him and let him take her to that magical place they always aimed to reach.
Suddenly, his mouth lifted from hers and he pulled away with a loud, agonized gasp.
She wasn’t ready for this to be over and tried to pull him back.
“We’re home.”
“At The Down?”
“Yes.”
Before they were ready, the carriage door opened and a footman lowered the steps.
“Is your mistress’s room ready?” Brent asked as he lifted her from the carriage.
“Yes, my lord. Lord Fellingsdown sent word earlier that Lady Elyssa would be returning.”
Brent nodded then carried her up the walk and through the open front doors. She knew he’d take her to her room and Genny would be there to take care of her. She wouldn’t see him again unless she sent for him. Or perhaps he’d send word that he was leaving The Down. All the other guests were already gone so there would be no reason for him to stay.
She couldn’t let him go. Not yet. Not before...
“Make love to me,” she whispered.
There was no doubt he heard her. They were nearly a third the way to the top of the stairs and he stopped. One foot halted as he took a step upward and the muscles in his arms jerked. He lowered his gaze.
“Love me,” she repeated.
He took in several shallow gasps and his breathing turned heavy. He opened his mouth, then closed it, as if he couldn’t find the words he needed. He took the stairs with greater determination and walked past her maid.
“Genny,” she heard herself say, “I won’t need your help. You may leave.”
“Y...yes, Miss.”
Genny’s cheeks turned scarlet and her gaze dropped to the floor and didn’t lift.
“Thank you, Genny,” Elly said, refusing to let her maid’s reaction affect her. “I’ll call you when I need you.”
“Yes, Miss.” Genny bobbed nervously then rushed from the room.
“She knows,” Brent said when the door closed behind the maid.
“I don’t care.” And she didn’t. She didn’t care about anything except being in Brent’s arms and being kissed by him, and touched by him, and being loved by him.
“Kiss me,” she said as she raised her head to meet his lips.
She didn’t know how they reached the bed but when he lifted his mouth from hers she realized she was lying on the mattress with a pillow beneath her head.
“Are you sure, Elly?”
“Yes. I’m sure. Would you mind?”
He laughed. The sound was different from any laugh she’d heard from him before. This one was hoarse and throaty, and filled with passion.
“That’s not exactly a question a woman usually asks a man before...well, before.”
“I know, but I haven’t had much experience with this sort of thing.”
“Much?”
She felt her cheeks warm. “Any.”
“You know what’s going to happen, don’t you?”
Elly breathed a sigh. “I know. Except it won’t if you don’t stop talking.”
He laughed and she studied his high, arched cheek bones and grew warm all over. She looked at the strong angle of his jaw and noticed the faint shadow across his face like Harrison got when he visited and took the luxury of not shaving twice during the day. She wanted to touch his face.
She reached out her hand and cupped her palm to his cheek. A quivering ribbon snaked down her arm, through her chest, then down further to that hidden place between her thighs.
Some primitive need exploded inside her and forced her to admit she was desperate to have him touch her.
“Brent? Please.”
He ground out a deep growl that shook of emotion then lowered his head and kissed her again.
Elly wasn’t sure how it happened or when, but one piece of clothing after another came off between his kisses until she was naked. She knew she should be embarrassed but she wasn’t. Nor was she worried that he’d see her foot because the doctor had wrapped it several times to keep it from being jostled while they traveled.
He came over her slowly, taking care not to touch her ankle, then lowered his body onto hers until his warm flesh pressed against hers. A thousand starbursts exploded inside her.
“Do you know how often I’ve dreamed of having you?”
“Have you?” she asked, not caring that his words weren’t true.
She’d dreamt of having him, too, and was about to realize her dreams. She lifted her hands and brought his head down to kiss him. Fiery flames ignited with each kiss and touch of his hands caressing her.
Their lovemaking was magical and she trembled as he led her to a place she’d never imagined existed.
There was pain but she’d expected it and knew it wouldn’t last. He held still inside her until she relaxed again, then moved in a slow, steady rhythm that carried her to someplace high above the clouds.
She clasped her fingers around his shoulders and held on with an all-consuming fierceness until she could hold on no longer. She gave in to the emotions raging within her and fell from the high cliff she’d climbed.
Before her rampaging heart could slow, she heard his voice call her name. Nothing had ever sounded sweeter, more perfect.
She clasped him to her and cradled him in her arms. This was what she would always remember. His rough stubble pressed against her tender flesh. His heart thundering with such ferocity she could feel it beating against her breasts. His heavy body resting blessedly atop her, his fit perfect.
For a long while she simply held him. She let her hands move over his corded shoulders and down his sinewy arms. She touched every part of him she could reach, trying desperately to memorize every inch of him. The day would come when he wasn’t here to see or touch or kiss. She would have to draw upon her memories of this one time he’d made love to her.
Eventually, he pushed himself up on his elbows and looked at her. She knew her magical time was over but refused to have any regrets. Brent had given her a memory she would always cherish.
She tried to smile at him, but his unbelievably handsome face blurred from the tears that filled her eyes.
“Are you all right?”
His voice was filled with concern and Elly swiped at the tears that rolled from the corner of her eyes then put a smile on her face.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful?” she said, struggling to get the words out.
His smile broadened and he slid to her side and pulled her to him. “I hear it all the time, sweetheart. You’ll have to come up with something more ingenious.”
Elly laughed and laid her head against his shoulder. “What if I told you that you were amazing?”
“Just amazing?” He sounded disappointed.
“Remarkable?”
“That’s better, but I’m sure you can find a more fitting word.”
“I can,” she said cupping his cheek with her hand. “But I’m not sure it’s wise for me to say it.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re already a very confident person. My complimentary opinion of you will only build on your exalted estimation of your abilities.”
“Tell me,” he said, leaning over her. He kissed her on the mouth then moved his kisses down her throat and lower yet. “Tell me.”
His kisses set her skin on fire and she knew if she didn’t stop him now they’d repeat what they’d just done. And they couldn’t. For as much as she wanted to make love to him again and again, she knew each time would only increase her chances of being with child.
And, for as much as she wanted to have a child—
No, for as much as she wanted to have
Brent’s
child, she didn’t want the child they’d created to grow up with the stigma of being illegitimate.
“Tell me,” he demanded again, and this time Elly stopped his teasing by cupping his face between her palms.
“You are perfect. Absolutely, remarkably, undoubtedly perfect. I wouldn’t have wanted the man to whom I’d chosen to give myself to be anyone but you.”
“I’m going to hold you to that, Lady Elyssa. I’m going to make sure I’m the only man to whom you
ever
give yourself.”
Elly brushed the hair back from his forehead. Then she traced a finger over one eyebrow and down the side of his face to where the sharp line of his jaw angled to his chin. He had remarkable features, features that guaranteed very handsome children, were she foolish enough to risk having them.
“And I’ll leave you so satisfied every time we make love,” he continued, “that you’ll tell me I’m remarkably perfect even when we’re old and gray.”
Elly’s heart skipped a beat.
As if he felt her hesitation, he rolled away from her to sit on the side of the bed.
“What?” he asked, looking at her.
“We can’t do this again.” She kept her gaze locked with his to make sure he understood. “I can’t risk bringing a child into the world who has no father.”
“Every child has a father.”
“You know what I mean.”
He stood and Elly pulled the covers beneath her chin when he looked down on her.
“Do you think I’d make love to you without already having decided to make you mine?”
He reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. “Do you think I don’t realize there’s the possibility that I’ve already planted a child inside you?”
Elly heard the anger in his voice and knew that anger was directed at her.
He sat on the chair beside her bed and pulled on his boots. “Do you think I would make love to you then leave you, knowing I’d spoiled your chances to marry another man?”
He thrust his arms into the sleeves of his jacket. “Do you think I’m so indiscriminate about the women I take to bed that I’d sleep with you if I hadn’t already decided to marry you?”
A feeling of dread washed over her. He didn’t understand why marrying him was impossible. She couldn’t let him think it was. “We can’t marry, Brent. It’s not possible.”
“Are you saying that because you’re the daughter of a duke and I’m only an earl, you won’t marry someone beneath you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous! That has no bearing on my reasons and you know it.”
“Oh.” He dropped his hands to his sides and assumed a battle-ready stance. “It’s my reputation, isn’t it? You’re afraid you can’t trust me.”