She Never Knew (31 page)

“The Church has decided to expand our
outreach program.” Pastor Cullen explained. “Each ministry will have a role in
contacting members of our community and invite them to attend our services. Our
outreach director felt that those who do not attend church may be more
receptive to attending if they were approached by their respective peers.”

“I thought your existing approach was
working rather well, was it not?” Kat queried, studying a bar chart that
displayed the number of new members on a quarterly basis over the past five
years.

Pastor Cullen nodded, his glasses
sliding to the bridge of his nose. “It is, but we believe we can better
represent each ministry with someone who is actively involved in it rather than
one person generalizing all of them.” He balanced a stack of blue folders to
the side.

“That makes sense.” Kat agreed, noting
the amount of paperwork that lay ahead for Pastor Cullen. A new member would
receive a folder containing information about the church as well as the various
ministries it offers. Judging by the stacks of folders on the table, Kat
guessed the number of individuals contacted would be approximately several
hundred.

“So, young lady,” he began, opening a
new package of labels. “What brings you by today, other than to help me sort
through this mess?”

Kat smiled as she glanced at her pastor.
He had a knack for keeping the atmosphere light and she was grateful to him for
that. “Where do I start?”

“You can start by handing me that
stapler over there.” He motioned to the bookcase that sat adjacent to the
table. Kat dug out the stapler from behind a cluster of post-it notes and
handed it to him.

“Daniel Stevens is Tyler’s father,” she
murmured.

Pastor Cullen stopped what he was doing
and folded his hands together. Glancing at Kat, he said, “When I came in this
morning, I found Daniel asleep in the sound booth. I had a tough time waking
him up.” He removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes before continuing.

“He told me what happened. He told me
about—about what he did several years ago. He also said that when he saw Darryl
Baker hurting you, something inside of him changed forever. Ah, how did he say
it?” Pastor Cullen raised his head and closed his eyes, trying to remember
Daniel’s exact words.

“He said that a surge of terror flew
through his veins like nothing he had ever felt before.”

Kat didn’t know what to make of that
statement. If Daniel thought he felt the terror she felt with him that night
six years ago, he had another think coming. He had no clue as to the horror he had
put her through. She thought she was going to die the night of the rape.

She told the pastor her thoughts. “I
don’t see how he can compare what he felt in five minutes to what I felt for
months.”

“Perhaps you’re right, Kat.” Pastor Cullen
frowned, deep in thought. “While I do not condone his actions, I did see a
great deal of remorse. I can honestly say that what Daniel told me was the most
haunting confession I have ever heard.”

Kat told Pastor Cullen about
The Lamp
of the Body
and how its message impacted her. She didn’t know if God was
trying to send her a message or comfort her or both.

“You’re not the first person to mention
the painting. I have yet to witness what you saw but I don’t doubt that it was
real to you.”

“I wonder if the light was a sign
somehow, a sign from God that I need to do some serious soul-searching.”

“Kat, before we go any further, I must
ask if you are all right.” Pastor Cullen looked at her kindly. To him, Kat
appeared to be very much in control.

“Physically, I—I’m fine. Emotionally,
I’m all over the place. Oddly though, what I don’t feel is afraid. Am I making
any sense?”

“Yes. I suspect your feelings are due to
the fact that you finally have some answers. That must give you some comfort.”

“It does.” Kat recounted her version of
when Daniel confessed to her. She described him as a damaged individual who underwent
a difficult childhood and carried those feelings of inadequacy into adulthood. She
expressed how the light in the portrait shone brighter just after she heard
Daniel’s confession.

“Pastor, I don’t know how to explain
this, but I feel a sense of peace. What happened last night was awful, but I
feel strangely calm about all of this.” She shifted in her chair as she her
hands played with a paperclip.

“I think the message behind Luke’s words
is of more significance than the timing in which you saw the light, Kat.”
Pastor Cullen wrapped his hands around a presentation packet and inserted it
into a yellow folder. “As Luke stated, ‘the eye is the lamp of your body’ which
essentially means it is the window to your heart. If the window is clouded, the
light will be weakened. It is how we “see” others through that window that
affects our inner self as a person.”

Pastor Cullen went on. “In other words,
we must look at the facts as they are presented to us. We must remove any bias
or emotion we may contain and examine ourselves to ensure we are living
according to the Lord’s principles.”

“Are you suggesting I should forgive
Daniel?”

“No, but I don’t want you to rule it out,
either. You need time to process all of this. Ask yourself if you can set aside
any anger or resentment you may have toward Daniel before making any
decisions.”

“Such as turning him in to the police?”

Pastor Cullen paused. “Believe it or
not, Kat, Daniel proclaimed that he was going to turn himself in. He really is
distraught over what he’s done.”

“Is that where he is now? The police
station?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so.” The
pastor shook his head, studying Kat with deep concern. “I don’t want you to
take what I am about to tell you in the wrong way. I made a suggestion to
Daniel that I think will serve in the best interest of you and Tyler for the
time being.” He cleared his throat. “I urged him to reconsider turning himself
in for one main reason.”

“And that would be what?”

“That you share a son together.”

Silence filled the room. So Daniel did
know that Tyler is his son. Kat told the pastor that she left the building
immediately after she realized Daniel was Tyler’s father.

“It’s all I’ve thought about since last
night, Pastor.” Kat sighed. “Perhaps that’s why I haven’t called the police. I
keep thinking about that light in the picture and what it means. I don’t know
why, but there’s just something about that picture that’s adding to my
confusion.” Her eyes pleaded for support. “I just don’t know what to do. This
is why I’m here. I—I was hoping you could give me some guidance.”

Pastor Cullen nodded. He leaned forward
and stretched his arm across the table. Kat joined her hand in his as she
listened carefully.

“Kat, do you want Daniel to be a part of
your son’s life?”

“I want Tyler to have a father in his
life.”

“But not Daniel?” The pastor looked at
her.

“I know, I can’t have it both ways.” Kat
sighed. “I don’t think I can be objective about any of this right now.”

“I understand, Kat. This is a lot for
you to absorb. There is no rush on your part to make any major decisions right
away.”

Kat nodded, eyeing a folder on the table
that contained information about the children’s ministry. Reaching for the folder,
she opened it and scanned the objectives. She noted with interest that one of
the coloring pages was illustrated with what appeared to be a group of children
sitting around Jesus. A verse from Matthew 7:12 read: “So in everything, do to
others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the
Prophets.”

“Pastor, I never forgot what you told me
before, about sharing my struggles with God.”

“And is that working for you?”

“I think so. I think that portrait in
the sanctuary was His way of telling me things will work out. I just don’t know
how and when.”

“God will guide you if you let Him.”
Pastor Cullen glanced at the folder Kat was studying and remarked, “The
objectives in front of you are ways of showing young children that they too can
invite God into their lives and share their own struggles with Him. By doing
so, children can learn from an early age how to extend compassion to others.” 

Pastor Cullen continued. “Kat, before forgiveness
can occur, one generally has to perform some sort of self-healing first. You
stated earlier that you feel pretty calm, despite all that’s happened. That’s a
step in the right direction, but feeling calm should not be confused with
feelings of inner peace. You must be at peace with yourself before you can
begin the process of forgiveness toward others.”

“What you’re saying makes sense. I’m
just overwhelmed by everything that’s happened recently. I finally have closure
but I’m at a loss now as to how to move forward.” She smiled at her pastor.
“This is why I came to you; you’re the voice of reason.”

Pastor Cullen smiled in return. “Have
you considered speaking with Doctor Sullivan?” He recalled the business card he
had given Kat and wondered if the doctor’s services could aid her in coming to
terms with her discovery about Tyler’s biological father.

“I met with her once and am grateful to
you for the recommendation. She gave me some really good perspective and I felt
very comfortable around her. Both of you have a way of making people feel at
ease. I don’t know if you’re aware what a difference that makes, Pastor.”

“She’s pretty terrific, isn’t she?”
Pastor Cullen said warmly. It was obvious to Kat that her pastor thought highly
of Dr. Sullivan.

“How do you know her?” Kat inquired.

Pastor Cullen described a horrific house
fire that occurred a decade ago in which a family of five was displaced.
Although the fire was declared an unfortunate accident, the parents had blamed
themselves when they failed to realize their Christmas tree was not adequately watered.
An open flame from a nearby candle was determined to be the source of the tree
igniting. One of the children had been badly burned and spent several months in
the burn unit at the hospital.

The congregation had come together to
collect blankets, clothing, food, and new toys for the children. Pastor Cullen
had brought the toys to the hospital where he met Dr. Sullivan. She had
explained that she was there to counsel the family when they learned that the
young boy would need several scar revision surgeries. It was an emotional time
and one that Pastor Cullen would never forget. He and Dr. Sullivan had worked
tirelessly with the family over the months, and he was deeply touched by her compassion
and understanding toward others. Since then, the two have kept in touch.

“Wow, that’s incredible.” Kat marveled.
“Do you know how the little boy is doing now?”

“He’s now a teenager and goes to high
school. Although he still has some visible scars, he is happy and healthy. The
family is closer now than ever before.” Pastor Cullen smiled at the memory.
“The father is in the military, so the family no longer lives in the area, but
every year they send me a Christmas card.”

As Kat listened to her pastor, she
silently compared her situation with that of the little boy who was burned in
the house fire. While she realized the two situations were entirely different,
she recognized the opportunity in controversy facing her. To overcome these
challenges, she had to find a way to transform her problems into achievements.
She didn’t know yet how she would do this, but seeing Dr. Sullivan again
sounded like the next logical step. If Dr. Sullivan could help that other
family, surely she could help Kat explore new perspectives and enrich her
understanding.

Kat couldn’t erase the image of
The
Lamp
from her mind as she sat in her chair. Suddenly, she wanted to go to
the sanctuary and look at the portrait again. “Pastor, would you go with me?”

A few minutes later, Kat and Pastor Cullen
stood in front of the portrait, studying the candle. Its appearance did not
change before her eyes, but she knew without a doubt that she did not imagine
what she saw the night before. She turned to face her pastor and said, “I know
exactly what I need to do.”

Kat stretched out on a lounge chair on
the beach and observed her surroundings with great interest. Children with
their families were scattered in various places, many of whom were attempting
to build sand castles. Surfers in the ocean tried to defy gravity as they
battled the currents. Seagulls circled in the air, waiting for perfect
opportunities to swoop down and steal food left unattended.

She relished the sounds of joy as
children splashed each other at the water’s edge. She smiled as she watched a
toddler attempt to fill a small plastic bucket with sand. She laughed when
Tyler made angels in the sand. His face and body was covered with it and some
of it had entered his mouth. His face wore a disgusted expression as he tried unsuccessfully
to brush the sand off.