Shhh... Gianna's Side (3 page)

I never told
McKenzie what happened that night. I didn’t want her to judge me. I knew she wouldn’t have understood, so I locked away another secret in the box.

It was the summer before entering high school that Mack and I went back
-to-school shopping. Our moms permitted us to shop around by ourselves for a few hours. We felt so grown up being able to wander around the mall without having a chaperone. Our moms were still in the mall, but they weren’t hanging around us. It was our first taste of freedom. It was one of the best memories I had. I was able to pick out whatever I wanted to wear without having someone tell me I couldn’t.

I really loved finding my own independence and style. I bought tank tops
in all colors, shorts, jeans that had holes in them, flannel shirts, and wedges. To have the liberty to wear shoes with some height to them was liberating. It was one thing that Mack and I had in common; we bought several wedges to be able to wear with our new clothes. We were similar in size and would be able to borrow each other’s things, which made it even more fun. It was like we would have two closets.

We ate lunch and drank strawberry and banana smoothies
, waiting for our mothers in the food court.

“I can’t believe we are going to be freshman
,” I said, biting into my cesar salad.

“I know, right
? How exciting is that? I mean, before you know it, we will be driving.”

“
Has your schedule been mailed to you yet?”

That
was one thing I was dreading that I knew she would be ecstatic about. I didn’t want anything to do with the classes I was going to be enrolled in. They would be honors classes and hard as hell, and I wanted no part of that. The older I got, the more I realized that I didn’t care for school. It’s not that it wasn’t my forte, because if I put my mind to it I did understand the material. I just didn’t want to put my mind to it; I didn’t even care about going to college.

My parents had all the money in the world and I couldn’t tell if they were truly happy about
it. They both worked like crazy, and sometimes, I felt like the things they owned, owned them instead of vice versa. I didn’t even know if they were happily married. I mean, I witnessed affection from them but not the kind that I read about or watched in movies. I didn’t really see love in their eyes when they looked at each other. It made me wonder about love and if it was real. Which led to me to wonder if anything was real, or if we all fit in Pandora’s box of expectations.

Nevertheless
, I needed to continue playing the part that I was given. I nodded and told McKenzie everything she wanted to hear. My performance was flawless, just like it always had been. Nobody ever assumed I was anything more than what I portrayed myself to be.

My mother loved all my new clothing
. She said it accentuated every one of my perfect features. I would even go as far as saying that she was more excited than Mack and I. I helped her hang all of my clothes.

“Mom…can I ask you something?”

“Of course you can, honey. You can ask me anything.”

I sighed and sat down on my bed as she sat down next to me. “Does dad hate me? I mean
, does he wish I was different? More like McKenzie?”

She
put her hand on her chest in a surprised motion. I immediately regretted the question. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

“Gianna…my God. What make
s you think that? Your father loves you.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. He just seems bothered by me. I feel like I’m always disappointing him, especially with my grades.”

“Honey, your father has built his business from nothing. He just has high expectations for you. He wants you to succeed and maybe it’s just his way of showing you he loves you, that he cares.”

I scratched my head
, completely confused. “Yeah…”

“Listen, I know your father can be extremely hard on you
, but from the moment you were born, he wanted nothing but the best for you. It was endearing to see how this big macho man could crumble to his knees just looking at you. I remember the first few months after you were born, I would catch him staring at you in your crib. It was like you were his prized possession.” I wanted to understand what she was saying, I really did.

“Okay
,” was all I could reply with.

“Trust me, honey, you make your father very proud. You make both of us very proud. You and
McKenzie both do.” It would have been so much better if she hadn’t mentioned McKenzie’s name. She wasn’t my real sister, but I was constantly being compared to her.

Why couldn’t I just be G?

“Are you all right?” she asked with concern in her voice.

The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint another parent. I couldn’t take the pressure. I nodded and told her it must have been hormones and we quickly changed the subject to more comfortable topics for the both of us.

School was about to start, and I for one couldn’t wait. I think G was going to come out a lot more. And I had become so good at keeping secrets, what would a few more hurt…

High school was a changing time for me. It was also the first time I fell in love. I’ll get more into that later…

Mack and I made
junior varsity, only because they had some rule that freshman couldn’t make varsity. Our classes were difficult, but at least we had a few normal classes and they weren’t all honors like they had been in middle school. Mack and I had three classes that were together and four of them that weren’t. It was mostly our electives that we chose separately. I lied to Mack and told her they must have been full on my first picks, but the truth was, I ended up erasing everything that we chose together after she left my house. The last thing I wanted to do was take home ec or drama.

Instead
, I chose world travel and PE, I really liked being active. I noticed that when we started tumbling and dance. That was where I met him. His name was Jake Henderson, a senior and captain of the football team. We had PE together, seeing as it was open to every grade. The first few weeks of school, we spent a lot of time outside so I didn’t have the opportunity to talk to him. It’s not like I would have talked to him or anything. He was much older than I was and I didn’t think I could pull that off. We had a week that we were going to be working in the classroom and he sat right next to me.

I remember looking around to see if all the seats were taken
to explain why he was sitting next to me. I realized that they weren’t; the class was nearly empty and he had chosen to sit there. My heart sank to my stomach, but I played it off and just scribbled miscellaneous things in my notebook.

“That’s a really good drawing
,” he said, breaking the silence.

I stopped drawing that instant
, not knowing how to respond.

“I’m Jake
,” he said, extending his hand to me.

I turned to look at him and his eyes were piercing blue. They had a hint
of gray in them. His hair was messy and he had the most perfect cheekbones and lips. He looked like he could be a model if he wanted to. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that had
South Park
on it. He smelled like nothing I had ever had the privilege of inhaling, it was musky scented, a mixture of his own pheromones.

“I know who you are
,” I blurted out and he smiled.

“That’s great
, because I know who you are, too. Gianna Edwards, right?” he asked, still keeping his hand out for me to take it. I finally did, but I was sure I already made myself look like an idiot. His hand was big and it toppled my tiny hand. He didn’t let it go and placed them, interlocked, right on his lap.

“If you don’t mind
, I think I’ll keep your hand in mine. It’s comfortable there,” he teased.

I laughed
. I thought it was sweet that he was trying to make me less nervous.

“So, Gianna, how old are you?” he asked with mischief in his eyes.

“I just turned fifteen.”

“That’s not too bad, considering the things
I’m thinking about,” he stated, making me hot and tingly all over.

“How old are you?”
I questioned, trying to change the subject.

“Seventeen. I turn eighteen in a few months. I’m actually a Christmas baby.” I was sure my hand was starting to get sweaty
, and the last thing I wanted to do was turn him off.

“Can I have my hand back, please?”

He laughed. “No. I like having your hand in mine. But…I’ll make you a deal. If you go out with me Friday night, you can have your hand back.”

I smiled
. “Okay, although that sounds more like bribery than asking.”

“Yeah…that’s how I roll. I mean
, I could pick you up and throw you over my shoulder.”

“Wouldn’t you have to knock me out first
? You know, me Jane, you Tarzan.”

“You’re adorable, you know that?”

I shrugged and could feel my cheeks turning bright red.

“And that shade of red makes you look even more adorable.” Of course he would call me out on it.
“So, what do you say, Gianna with the pretty shade of red cheeks, will you go out with me Friday night?” he retorted, making me feel more at ease. I smiled, nodded, and that was it.

We started dating quickly after that. One date became two and two became three and before I knew it
, we were exclusive and boyfriend and girlfriend. My parents had to spend time with him a few times before they approved and allowed me to start dating a senior. They said that he was responsible and good for me, and they were happy that I found someone so mature and grown up for his age. They thought he would be a good example and positive influence on me.

Mack was surprised when she heard about us becoming exclusive. She had concerns that I was settling down at such a young age
, and that maybe I should fish in the sea of high school boys before I reeled one in. I didn’t really care what she thought because nothing could compare with the way Jake made me feel. No one had ever made me feel like that; not my parents or Mack…he made me feel special. I was the only girl in his eyes when he looked at me and I had never had that before.

The
y say you can see a person’s depth through their eyes, that you can tell every truth and lie. The eyes are the windows to a person’s soul. I wish I could say that Jake really knew me and that I was honest with him and shared the dark corners of myself, but I didn’t. I let him believe what everyone else did; it was much easier that way. I wouldn’t even know where to start if I wanted him to know the truth. There were so many secrets. Sometimes I felt like a mouse on a spinning wheel going around and around without making any progress.

That didn’t stop me from caring about him. He was good to me and we spent every second together. Mack and I were still best friends and when I wasn’t with Jake
, I was with her. She loved Jake too; he treated her like a little sister. He never made me feel envious or jealous of the attention he would give her. It was the first time that I didn’t feel like I was competing with her. It was not needed because Jake was mine.

We kissed…a lot. We fooled around some
, but it was mostly on top of the clothes stuff. And it wasn’t like we ever talked about it or anything; we would just stop when things started moving too fast. I didn’t know if it was for my benefit or his. It just happened that way.

Valentine
’s Day was fast approaching and Jake said he had something amazing planned for us–that it was a surprise. As much as I didn’t like cookie cutter, it didn’t mean I didn’t fall for cliché situations. I wanted to feel loved and nothing makes an insecure girl feel more loved than those cliché moments. 

He took me to a five
-star restaurant that my parents and I frequented often. I didn’t tell him that I hated that restaurant and all the pretentious people who would go there to order a twenty-dollar baked potato. I took it for what it was and appreciated the sentiment behind it. We talked about the colleges he had applied to over Christmas, he kept telling me that he was more than happy to attend Brown University and stay in town to be close to me, but I knew he was lying. One of the first times I went into his bedroom, he had catalogs for Columbia University all over his room. His dad was an alumni and I knew he had his heart set on getting accepted. As much as I didn’t want to dwell on it, I knew he was going to attend Columbia. I was going to pretend that I was thrilled and happy for him, even though I was dying inside and didn’t want to see him go.

After dinner
, we took a walk on Barrington Beach that was near a cove that Mack and I grew up around. He held my hand the entire time and we even played in the water, splashing each other back and forth. It was super cheesy, but I loved it. I ate it up. The sun started to set and we sat in the sand, watching the stars and the moon make their appearance. I sat in between his legs with my back to his front and he kissed the side of my neck every few minutes, running his soft lips back and forth, giving me chills down my spine.

“Gianna…” he whispered in my ear
, making me giggle and hide my neck from him. “I love you.” He breathed into the side of my face.

My eyes widened, my heart sank, and my stomach flipped. I turned around to look at his face and he had
on the most sincere expression. I had never seen that look on anyone’s face before and it was as if I was living one of those moments in the books I read. He was beautiful and he loved me.

“Oh my God!” I screamed. “Are you serious?”

He cocked his head to the side and smirked. “That’s not exactly the response I was looking for,” he mocked, making me giggle again.

“Of course I love you
, too. How can I not? You are so fucking good to me. I have never met anyone like you before, Jake.”

“That’s a little better
,” he praised and leaned in to kiss me.

It turned heated fast
and we got to second base that night. It was the first time anyone had ever seen me topless. When his hand grazed my nipple, I didn’t expect to feel all the sensations I felt below my belt. It made me anxious, nervous, and excited. I wanted to keep going, but he stopped it from going too far. He even went as far as hooking my bra back on and helping me put on my shirt. He always told me he didn’t want to rush things and we had all the time in the world to take things further.

As much as I wanted to believe him
, I couldn’t. He was eighteen and about to go off to college, he would meet other girls. No. Not girls. He would meet other women. I wouldn’t be able to compete with someone who he could be sexually active with. He would have his own apartment and the freedom to do what he wanted, and as much as I wanted to believe every single word he told me, my insecurities wouldn’t let me. I was tied down to feeling inadequate and not enough; the binds were so tight and consuming that I never stood a chance to break free of them. They were a part of me as much as breathing was.

A few months later
, prom was among us and I bought the sexiest black gown I could find. It was backless and made me look older. My mom made appointments to get my hair and makeup done. I looked into the mirror that night, and even though I looked different, I felt the same. I wanted one night where I didn’t feel like I was not enough. I honestly thought that the get-up would make every ugly, destructive thought in my mind go away. As if it would magically disappear. It didn’t. My presence was altered, but my own manifestation was exactly the same. I felt desolate. Would it ever go away?

The limo picked us up with a few other couples. They were friends of Jake
, with whom I was friends with by association. My parents took hundreds of pictures before we were excused to go. They allowed me to spend the night out that night which completely surprised me. They said they trusted Jake with me and that I was old enough to make my own decisions; that they knew I would be responsible and wouldn’t let them down. I took it with a grain of salt and was grateful that I could finally give myself to him like I wanted to.

“Gia, here
,” Chris said, handing me a glass.

“No
,” Jake said, intercepting and snatching the glass away from me.

“What the fuck
, man? It’s prom! Let her drink. She doesn’t have to go home tonight and maybe you will finally be able to get your dick wet.” Chris laughed and Jake glared at him. I was sure if I weren’t in the car, he would have swung at him.

“It’s fine, Jake
,” I said, trying to break the tension. “I will just have a little. I want to celebrate, too.”

He sighed and handed
me the glass. “It’s champagne. It will go to your head fast because of the sugar. You only take drinks from me, understood?” he ordered.

I didn’t like the tone he was using with me and I really didn’t like the fact that he was ordering me around. He made me feel like a little girl and I always tried hard to prove to him that I was much older
than my age implied I was. I hated that he made me feel that way. He was the one person who didn’t do that to me, and I once again felt like I wasn’t good enough. The voice in the back of my mind that had been quiet, reared its ugly head and reminded me that it was still there…and I was still broken.

What goes up must come down…
it’s the rule of life.