Shutter: The Complete Series (21 page)

“I don’t want to be lost again, but that’s how I feel. I’m jumping between one extreme to the next in my head, trying to cope with everything I’ve done – years’ worth of shit – but I can’t come to a conclusion that feels right inside; when I filter through all the guilt I can’t find a solution.”

“Because there’s nothing to solve, no solution. You are who you are; don’t be ashamed of that. You are gorgeous, talented, loyal, and kind. The parts of you that contradict that were created out of necessity and aren’t real. You don’t owe anyone anything except for yourself. Give yourself a break, and be honest about what it is you need in your life.”

I pat my fingertips under his chin, “When did you get so smart?” I tease.

“Through fuckups comes great wisdom, and I’ve become very wise over the years.” The bed shakes slightly from our laughs then we both fall silent again. “Brook, no matter who you chose, or what decisions you make for the rest of your life, I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere again. I love you, and I’ll take whatever part of yourself you’re willing to give.”

I don’t reply; enough has been said between us. Now I just have to follow my heart wherever it wants to lead.

Chapter 5

I wake to an empty bed and the sound of buzzing. My memory is clear that I fell asleep with Stephen’s arms around me, my head resting semi-comfortably on his chest. The buzzing starts again forcing me to search for my phone.

I’m still completely naked, and don’t have a clue where my panties are. My phone is on the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed. As I lean over to try and reach it I see a note resting on the pillow Stephen used last night. Unfolding it, I see his scribbles:

Sweetheart, gone to work, call you later. Driver brought your car back

Short and to the point, but it still makes me smile because he called me sweetheart, an endearment I haven’t heard from him in years. My phone buzzes again, and I finally stretch over the pillows to find it.

“Hello?” my voice croaks into the phone.

“Meet me at the café in thirty minutes, we’ve got some things to discuss,” Paul demands.

I inhale slowly then exhale raggedly, “Okay,” I say and end the call.

When I finally walk through the front doors, I’m twenty minutes late. The drive from Stephen’s is much farther than my house. Paul is sitting at our usual table, and he’s already eating what I assume is the daily brunch special.

“I figured if I wanted to ever see your face again I had to offer to feed it,” he says as I pull out the chair and sit.

“A girl never refuses free food,” I say as way of a reply.

Things have never been awkward between Paul and I. From the very first day we met in junior high homeroom with Mrs. Chrisley, things have never been tense…until today.

He avoids my gaze while silently eating until the waitress has taken my order.

“So I assume you didn’t have me come just so we could awkwardly avoid talking, we could have continued doing that without food.” I say and the corners of his lips turn up, threatening a smile.

“Yes, we could have, but then I wouldn’t have been graced with your winning personality, and we couldn’t have that,” he says and pops a grape into his mouth then coughs and slaps his chest as he chokes on it.

“I haven’t even gotten my food yet, I can’t give you the Heimlich until I’ve eaten a hearty breakfast,” I deadpan.

“Man what a bitch, won’t even save my life without enjoying her pancakes first,” he teases in return.

“Oh, you know I’d save your life over anything…even pancakes.”

“I know,” he says and smiles at me. “So are you feeling better this morning?”

“I am, a little. I might have figured some things out last night.” I admit.

“Might have?”

“Yeah, things are still a little gray.”

“Stop being stubborn and waiting for me to ask, and just freaking tell me already,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Well, since you finally asked,” I widen my eyes at him, “I think I’m ready to give Niko a second chance.” The words rush out of my mouth so fast I’m not sure he understood them until he starts choking on the water he was drinking.

He pats his chest several times and holds his hand up to stop me from standing.

“You’re determined to choke to death today, aren’t you?” I say with only a hint of the humor the question should hold.

“I have to admit, that is not what I thought you were going to say,” he says, and then clears his throat loudly after his speaks.

My brow pulls together and my eyes squint, “What did you think I was going to say?”

“Umm…” he pauses and clears his throat again, but this time I’m positive it’s just a stall tactic. “Well, I don’t really know what I was expecting, but I didn’t think you’d have your mind made up yet. More like I was waiting for you to lay out the pros and cons of each of them for me. You know, a little Ross and Rachel pros and cons list making.”

“Yes, I remember the episode. I also remember Ross getting himself in trouble because of those lists.”

“Nah, that’d just happen on a TV show. In real life they’d never know. So do you want to make some lists with me?”

I shake my head with an amused grunt, “No, you weirdo, I don’t. I’ve thought about this non-stop and made list after list in my head about all the reasons why I care for Niko and why I don’t. Trust me I’ve thought it all through, I don’t need to regurgitate it to you, or write it down on paper. It won’t change the way I feel.”

“Okay,” he holds his hands up admitting defeat. “I’m not trying to change your mind, you just haven’t talked to me about any of this, and you usually do. I just don’t want you to jump in to anything without being sure.”

“But what horrible thing would happen if I did?” I ask, and then pause as the waitress brings my pancakes and refills my coffee. “Thank you,” I tell her.

“What do you mean?” he asks, trying to get me to hurry up and stop spreading butter on my warm pancakes.

“If I give Niko a second chance, and we actually spent that time getting to know everything there is to know about each other. Would that be such a bad thing?”

“Like completely starting over?”

“Mostly, I mean there are some basic things we don’t know about each other, but then there’s some deeper things we already know. I already feel connected to him, which I think is really weird since I don’t know basic things like what his favorite color is, or his favorite food, or even how he takes his coffee.”

“Black,” he says then raises his eyebrows at me. “You know that, the whole country knows that, and blue is his favorite color.”

I snicker, “But I don’t want to learn about him from doing a Google search, I want him to share those things with me naturally. I knew what his cock looked like before I’d ever been in the same room with him; everything is backwards. I just want to give us a chance to do it right and see how it works out.”

“I can see where that would work for both of you, but what about Stephen? You know he loves you right? I mean you couldn’t have missed that.”

“No, I didn’t miss that, mostly because he’s told me.” I inform him.

“No fucking way. He actually told you he loved you?” His mouth drops open, but I pause to stuff my mouth full of syrupy goodness. “Answer me!” he demands so I shrug my shoulders until I swallow.

“Well, he thought I was asleep when he said it, but I wasn’t, and I heard him. Of course, I stayed quiet, so he doesn’t technically know I heard him.”

“You were asleep like you’ve slept together?”

I sigh, “Yes, Ms. Prude we slept in the same bed, but no we haven’t ‘slept’ together. Until last night everything was completely innocent, but after my break down at the club things progressed. Just a little.” I lean forward and whisper, “Foreplay, but I think it was a mistake.”

Paul’s eye grow to double their size, “You think?”

“It was a mistake, but at the same time it helped me realize I wanted to be with Niko; with him is where my heart truly lies. So I guess at the same time it happened for a reason.”

“Was it good?” He completely ignores my revelation for the juicy information.

I don’t even try to avoid his questions, “Well, hell yes, it was good. But not as good as with Niko,” I say and then cram more pancake in my mouth.

“Lord have mercy, you are penis whipped, aren’t you? I never, ever thought this day would come, but I should have known. That Niko must lay the pipe good to have you clamoring for more.”

“Shut your mouth, with the way you’ve been acting lately, I’m starting to wonder if there might be someone in your life you’re clamoring after…I don’t know maybe someone I share a gene pool with?”

I wasn’t sure I was going to bring up the encounter I heard between Paul and Brock, but since everything seems to be back to normal between us, I can’t leave without knowing.

His face turns a sickly shade of ivory at my question, but he doesn’t answer immediately. His mouth opens and shuts then opens again.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you promised you wouldn’t, but really, does Brock think he’s fooling anyone? I’ve always known there was a chance he liked the fellas, but I was never sure. To be honest, I’m not sure he likes all the fellas, but rather one in particular. What do you think?” I push my plate to the side, and put my hands under my chin, leaning my elbows on the table. Then I bat my eyelashes a couple times for effect.

“Oh fuck,” he breathes out, and I can already see his face gaining color back. Unfortunately, it’s a bright shade of red. “Umm, I don’t know what I can say that won’t get me in trouble.”

“Is he happy? Are you happy? That’s what matters most to me.”

He beams a smile at me, and I already know the answer without him speaking the words.

***

“Hello?” I answer once I’m back in my car.

“Thank God. Brook, I need you to go to the industrial district for a photo shoot. Something came up with the regular guy, and you’re all I have,” Kiki chirps in my ear.

“Okay, what time do I need to be there?” I ask, knowing it’s going to take me forever to get there.

“An hour ago, but since I just got a hold of you, I’ll tell them you’ll be there in one hour. Enough time?”

“Yes, I can be there. I’ve got my gear in the trunk. Text me the address.”

“Will do,” she pauses. “Oh, are you okay? You were a real mess last night. I don’t know what happened, but you looked like someone had just run over your favorite pair of Jimmy Choo’s.”

I roll my eyes at what must possibly be her biggest nightmare - losing a pair of shoes. “Yes, I’m fine. It was just a rocky night, but I think I’m starting to get things sorted out now.

“Oh good, I really need you to step it up today. This is a big client for us.”

“Who is it?” I ask curious if I should be nervous.

“Honestly, I’m not really sure, another editor called frantic for a photographer, so I offered you.”

“Do you know what I’ll be shooting?” I asked, starting to get even more nervous not knowing what I’m walking in to.

“Not a clue, but the set assistant will have the details, and everything is ready for you. All you have to do is point and shoot, or whatever magic it is you pull off behind that camera.”

Chapter 6

Using the address Kiki sent me, I twist and turn along the roads of an industrial district. Tall, monochrome buildings flank the streets covered in pigeons and their poop. The only other traffic I’ve seen are semi-trucks hauling whatever goods leave this area.

It wasn’t too long ago my afternoon would have been spent following Niko to whatever location his movie was shooting. Or possibly trolling the empty bars as they cleaned up from the previous night, hoping to get an idea of where he might be headed that night. No matter what I was doing, there was no doubt Niko and his whereabouts would have been part of my plan.

The GPS on my phone says my destination is in front of me, a tall black building with almost as many windows as bricks. I park behind a white van I know belongs to InTune, and then gather my gear from the trunk. Quickly flinging it over my shoulder, I rush to the front doors, hoping I’m not too late. Pissing off the entire crew is not how I want to start this mystery job. A note on the elevator doors tells me to go to the sixteenth floor. The inside of the elevator matches the rest of what I’ve seen of the building, sparse and run down, but when the doors open I’m greeted by a completely different setup.

Every inch of the walls are covered with different backdrops: white, black, multicolored, trees, clouds, and even a green screen. In the middle of the room is a flurry of people with a single man barking out orders. Dread spreads inside me, this entire set up reminds me of my time on the other side of the camera; the tension in the air, and the chaotic roaming of people fighting to look busy. I know instantly this won’t work for me, or my creativity.

“Brook?” A slender man says as he rushes toward me.

I nod, “I’m Brook, nice to meet you.” I offer him my hand, but he just ignores it.

He makes an impatient noise in his throat then pulls me forward by the strap of my camera bag. “We’re set and ready, we’ve been waiting.”

I immediately feel steam rush up my neck. “I’m aware, but I only got this job…” I pause and look at my watch. “Forty-two minutes ago, so actually I’m early as I was told I had an hour, so I actually have an additional eighteen minutes.”

His eyes squint and a vein in his forehead bulges, but I don’t retreat. I left this world once because I was too scared to stand up for myself from the start and let things get out of hand; I refuse to allow that to happen again.

Finally, his brow softens and his shoulders lose their defensive stance. “Yes, yes. I do apologize, however we’ve been here for almost four hours getting set up and would like to get started soon so we don’t run over our allotted time.”

“Well then, how about we stop bickering and do that.” I add a small smile at the end. I have no reason to be a bitch as long as I’m treated like a human being, and not a petulant dog refusing to obey his every command.

“Very well,” he says and gestures for me to continue on to the still bustling group of people in the middle of the room. “What have you been told about the shoot today?”