Shy Kinda Love (14 page)

Chapter 21

The next morning I wake to Kade shaking me gently. “Shy, we need to get up.”

I open my eyes and see Kade standing next to my bed, dressed and looking ready for class. I mentally shake off the cobwebs then look at the clock. It’s 7:15. I roll onto my side and watch quietly as Kade gets dressed. I don’t want to get up, because when I do I’ll have to face all my demons that surfaced yesterday.

Kade leans over me and kisses my temple. “Come on, Filly, we can do this. I have no desire to sit through some stupid lecture, but I know you need to get to the barn. I’ll go to class, you go play with your horses, and we’ll talk later.” He brushes the hair off my face then kneels next to my bed, getting eye level with me. “Trust me, I would much prefer to stay wrapped up with you in this bed all morning.”

I try to smile but I know I don’t pull it off. Yesterday was horrible, and we still have so much to talk about.

As I sit up and stretch from my twenty-four-hour sleep, I see Kade messing with his phone. I kinda wanna smack him on the back of the head and yell “pay attention to me!” It’s probably selfish, but really, who could he possibly be texting right now… in the middle of my crisis. Okay, so I am being selfish, but I need him to say something insightful to help me figure out how to get through this.

As I argue with myself over my dramatic thoughts, I hear the first notes of a song. I look to his phone and realize he is playing a song, not texting. I look at him with a question in my eyes but he just gives me a half-smile. Kade reaches down and grasps my hand in his. He lifts my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckle, and then I recognize the song: “Beneath Your Beautiful” by Labrinth.

I look up to see Kade watching me closely. If I were to imagine exactly how I wanted this boy to give me attention this morning, this is what I would see. In just a few short weeks Kade Cross has come to know and understand me so well.

We sit like that, my hand in his, staring at each other as the song plays on. When the song ends, Kade leans in, kisses me on the cheek, and whispers one word in my ear: “Please.”

On my drive to the barn that morning, I consider his request. Let him see inside, beneath the beautiful into the ugly. I know I can’t tell him everything, because that will risk my safety, as well as his. I can, however, tell him enough to make him see that my past will ruin his future. I just need to decide if that’s what I’m going to do.

***

I get back to our apartment for lunch and see that everyone is already there when I walk through the door. I feel horribly uncomfortable so, of course, I use sarcasm. I throw both my hands up and shake them like crazy jazz hands. “Hey, look, the crazy girl has decided to join you for lunch. Don’t worry, I’ll try not to piss anyone off or pass out today.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Keegan says in a loving tone. “Get over and get some pizza before my fiancé eats it all.”

With that, Adrian jumps up and wraps his arms around Keegan’s waist and lifts her off the ground. He kisses her way too long before setting her down. “You finally called me your fiancé,” he practically howls in excitement. Everyone in the room is either laughing or gagging on their pizza. Keegan looks at me and winks. I feel warmth spread through my chest. She did that for me, to take the focus off of me. That is the definition of taking one for the team.

I set my backpack on the floor and go grab a slice of pizza. Kade pats the empty seat next to him on the couch, so I walk over and sit down.

Once everyone is done eating, and some are leaving for their next class, Kade stands and reaches down his hand to me. “I don’t have class this afternoon, so let’s go.”

I hesitantly reach out my hand and he pulls me up. “Um, where are we going?”

He tugs on my hand and begins walking toward my room. “To talk,” is all he says. I sigh, knowing there is no stopping this train. It’s time to put my big girl panties on and make a decision.

Once we get to my room, Kade drops my hand and pushes me gently toward the bed. He goes over to my desk and pulls out the chair, dragging it to sit across from the bed.

“I have to meet Isaac at the barn at four-thirty,” I say.

Kade looks at the clock and sees that doesn’t give us long. He nods. “We’ll start this now, but finish it later.”

I’m seated on the edge of bed, arms crossed over my chest. “Where do you want to start?” I ask, deciding to let him rip off the Band-Aid.

Kade doesn’t hesitate. “Why did you run off after the conversation about the FBI?”

Yikes, I guess he’s more observant than I give him credit for. Although I’m pretty sure I’m ready to tell him about my past, I still can’t tell him that I’m in witness protection—which is why the FBI conversation freaked me out.

I try for evasive. “What makes you think it was because of that conversation?”

Kade pushes up off the chair and walks over to me. He drops down on his knees in front of me, positioning himself so that his torso is between my knees and his hands are on my upper arms. Kade’s eyes dart back and forth between both of mine before he says, “Shy, I want you to tell me; to talk to me.”

I sigh loudly and push my arms up, forcing his hands off of my biceps. “Explain what, Kade? All the ways I’m crazy?” I wave my hands around, “Well, my friend, grab a snack and have a seat, this is going to be a long night.”

Kade repositions his hands, but now they are on my thighs, close to my knees. He continues in a calm voice, “You are not crazy, you’re just a little broken.”

“Gee, thanks?” I say.

“Since you make shit decisions when it comes to relationships, I have a plan.” He pauses, probably waiting for an argument, but I’m waiting to hear this plan before I begin the fight. When I just stare at him, he fills me in: “I am taking over control of our relationship.”

Um… what? No one takes control of any part of my life. My heart is a frantic beat in my chest and my breaths seem to be shorter and coming closer together. This is the beginning of another panic attack.

“Relax, Filly,” Kade says as he lifts one hand and places it at the base of my skull. He leans in and pulls me forward until our foreheads are pressing together. “Slow your breathing until it matches mine.” He picks up one of my hands and places it flat against his chest so I can feel each breath he pulls in and pushes out. “This is why you need to trust me. You are so frantic to keep control over every second of your life that just the mention of giving up one piece causes you to hyperventilate. I’m not telling you I’m taking control of
everything
, just us.”

I jerk my head up, ceasing any progress I had made in my breathing “Telling me? Just us? Seriously, Kade?”

He pulls his forehead from mine and slides his hand, from the back of my head around, until he has my face in his palm. I have to fight every instinct not to lean into his touch.

“Shy, look at me,” he says as he brings his other hand to my other cheek. “You have to trust me to know what we need. I’ll take care of the relationship, you just focus on getting yourself sorted. You have to open up to me before we can be together physically.”

With that statement I jerk my head back. “Physically? Awful sure of yourself, aren’t you, Cross?”

“Once we sort through all the monsters that are hiding in that sweet brain of yours…” he says as he pulls my face back to face him, ignoring my comment. He places his thumbs under my chin, lifting it so I am forced to look into his soft gray eyes. “then we can get to the part where you give me your body, trusting that I will do nothing to hurt you, emotionally or physically.” Kade emphasizes his point by bringing his lips so that they graze mine, then his tongue slides across his lower lip, at the same time barely touching mine.

I let out a very slow breath, trying to regain my footing. I have to pull my face from his, the intensity too much. I turn my head to the side and look down to the floor trying to decide how to chase him away without telling him any more.

As if reading my mind, Kade says, “Stop thinking of an escape. You are going to trust me—maybe not right now, but we’ll get there, one piece at a time. First you’ll trust me with this,” he says while tapping my head. “Then this.” He lowers his hand and places it over my heart. “Once you trust me with both of those parts, then you’ll feel safe enough to trust me with your body.”

Kade moves himself so that we are eye level and our noses are only an inch apart. He lifts my chin so my mouth is almost touching his. I can feel his slow and even breaths against my lips. He leans in that last inch, but tilts his head a little to the left so that his mouth meets the corner of my mine. He pulls back slightly and repeats the kiss on the other side.

I’ve forgotten everything we were talking about and now only care about the distance between my mouth and his. I want to close that distance, this time with his mouth in the center. Unconsciously, I do lean into him, but he pulls back and shakes his head. “You are going to open up to me first. I want you to have no doubt, when I kiss you, that I’m kissing the real you. Not the girl you put out there for everyone to see. I want you to have no doubt that I’m staying. When I kiss you for the first time, it will be with the understanding that we are together, and neither of us is going to run.”

I have no idea what to say. I stare at him, lips slightly parted, and brain complete mush. Then I go with the truth. “I don’t do relationships, Kade…
because
I run. I always run. You need to know that now.”

“I know,” he says, clearly patronizing me. “Just try this, Filly.”

“Stop calling me Filly,” I tell him. “That’s the stupidest pet name ever.” He chuckles again, only making me more angry. 

I look up at him and catch a glimpse of my clock. When I see it’s almost four I stand up so fast I practically knock him over. “I have to meet Isaac at the barn. I have to go.”

As I grab my keys off my dresser, Kade grabs my other hand. He looks down into my eyes, taking his time before he speaks. “You come to me tonight,” are his final words. I can see him take in a deep breath, as if resigning himself to something. Then he nods, drops my hand, and walks out of my room.

This boy can make my brain stop working and make my thoughts race. He can also stop my heart and make it compete in the race against my thoughts. Kade continues to surprise me every day in the way he looks at me, the questions he asks, and the way his touch makes my body heat. If there were ever a guy that I wish I could let be my superman, it would be Kade Cross.

Chapter 22

When I get to the barn and see that Isaac is in an unusually bad mood, I force all my own issues to the back of my mind. This time is for Isaac, and for Tanner. I don’t ask Isaac what’s wrong, because I know how hard it is to talk, so I let the horse be the therapist.

“Okay, Isaac, so I was thinking I’d like to put a saddle on Tanner today. I’m not going to ride, it’s too soon for that, but I want to see how he responds to the transition.”

Isaac furrows his brow. “Transition?”

I nod. “The process of saddling a horse isn’t just about preparing him physically to ride. We also expect the horse to make the transition, mentally, from relaxing playtime, to ‘it’s time to work.’ I can tell that Tanner was once a well-trained horse, so I know he’ll understand what the saddle means.”

I lead Isaac to the pasture where we easily catch Tanner. Over the past couple weeks, we have made great progress in our relationship with the horse. I allow Isaac to lead Tanner, as I direct him into the barn. “I’m not sure how he’ll respond to the idea that we’re preparing him to ride.” Then I ask, “Can you think of a time when you had to make a transition from one line of thinking to another, and it was hard for you?”

Isaac doesn’t respond until we have Tanner in the cross ties and we have begun brushing him. Then, his response is so quiet, I have to strain to hear him. “Yeah. When I’m with my mom, then I have to go back to the group home.”

Knowing he won’t continue without prodding, I ask, “What’s that transition like?”

I hear him take in a deep breath before he replies. “When I’m with her I have to worry about taking care of us; protecting us. Whether it’s from the people in the neighborhood or the drugs. I have to make sure that we’re safe. I make those decisions. I’m in charge.” He pauses and goes to choose another brush before returning to the horse. “When I go back to the group home, I don’t get to make any decisions. Everybody tells me what to do.”

“That must be really hard.”

“It’s like I have no control; like I’m a child,” Isaac answers, his voice rising as his emotions take over.

“That makes sense,” I say, “but I have to ask… doesn’t it sometimes feel good to not have to be in charge? I mean, you’re only fourteen.”

Isaac just shrugs and continues to brush the horse for a couple minutes. Then he decides it’s my turn to be under the microscope. “What about you, Shyanne? Do you have transitions that are hard?”

“Yes, Isaac, I do,” I say, thinking about my transition from being alone, to having friends. And once again I’m reminded of the similarities between this young boy, this broken horse, and me. Isaac, when he returns to the group home and has to put his trust in the adults around him. Tanner, when he leaves his herd to be with us and he has to trust that we will make decisions that will keep him safe. And me, choosing to be with my friends and in a relationship, hoping they will not hurt me and hoping that I can minimize the damage that I will do to their lives.

Isaac peeks over the horse at me and give me one of his mischievous smiles. “I guess you’re not gonna share that with me?”

“No, Isaac, I’m not,” I tell him. But I smile.

We finish brushing Tanner in comfortable silence, then I go fetch the saddle, laying it on the ground for Isaac to see. I take Tanner out of the cross ties, hooking a lead line on his halter. Paying close attention to his body language, I lead him to the saddle, allowing him to smell it.

“What are you doing?” Isaac asks from the other side of the horse.

“We have to take this one step at a time,” I explain. “We let him smell the saddle, and watch his for signs of anxiety. If his body language is telling us he’s stressed, then we end the session there. We don’t push him further than he’s ready for.”

Isaac nods. “It’s not about whether he’s physically comfortable with the saddle?”

I shake my head. “No, not yet. I mean, we’ll get there. When we do eventually put the saddle on him, we’ll have to watch if that triggers any anxiety. The feel of the saddle could bring back bad memories too.” When I finish, I notice that Isaac’s posture has gone from relaxed to rigid. I replay my words over in my head.

Very cautiously, I ask, “Do you have physical triggers?”

Isaac doesn’t answer right away, and I don’t push it. I just stand quietly; petting Tanner as he plays with the saddle. He is biting on the girth, and moving his head back and forth, causing the saddle to slide across the floor. After a couple of minutes Isaac asks, “If the saddle does cause him to have flashbacks, will he ever be able to be ridden again?”

I feel the tears prick the back of my eyes, and a lump forms in my throat. I can’t cry for this boy who has obviously been abused, because that won’t help him right now. So I push back the emotions and try to give him hope.

“Yes, Isaac, even if Tanner has had bad experiences while being ridden, he can heal from that.” I think about that first time at The Hole, when Luke approached me, touching my waist. I froze, and nearly had an episode in the middle of the bar. Then I think about the fact Keegan and Gemma hug me all the time, and Kade has even slept in my bed while holding me. I smile. “It will take time, but once we convince his mind that we won’t hurt him, his body will follow.” And his heart, I think to myself.