Sidekicks (6 page)

He waved at me. “I’ll just go wait in the car!”

Chapter Eight

Showdown with Evil

Once I was inside the ship, it didn’t take long to find the League of Big Justice and the sidekicks. A few left turns and one hydrolift later, and I was on the ship’s bridge.

And so were they: King Justice, Lady Bug, Captain Haggis, The Stain, Mr. Ironic, The Good Egg, Ms. Mime, Depression Dave, The Librarian, Pumpkin Pete, Charisma Kid, Spelling Beatrice, Spice Girl, and Boom Boy were all in large glass tubes. Boy-in-the-Plastic-Bubble Boy hung from the ceiling like a giant hamster disco ball.

Everyone seemed to be okay, but they looked like they were in a trance. Probably something in the tubes. I ran over to the console and looked for a button to free them.

And there was a button. There were also about a hundred knobs and two hundred levers. This thing was more complex than my last science test.

I quickly scanned the console. I didn’t have much time. One way or another, the Brotherhood would find me. I spotted a red button and hovered my finger over it.

The thing about red buttons is, pushing them always makes something really good or something really bad happen. Red buttons never result in something just okay. You never push a red button and then say “Gee. That was okay.” Try it and see.

“I wouldn’t pick that one if I were you,” a voice behind me said. “Unless you want to start the dishwasher.”

I knew that the moment I turned, I would be face to face with the evil mastermind that had defeated the League of Big Justice! Such a feat would take the greatest supervillain the world had ever known! He would be big, strong, mean, and terrifying with a genius mind capable of defeating the League of Big Justice and putting the heroes in tubes like Barbie and Ken dolls in a Toys ’R Us! I braced myself and turned, realizing I could never be fully prepared to face the awesome evil thing that waited to unleash the full fury of its awesome evilness and stuff.

“Hey!” I said. “You’re just a puppet!”

“A puppet, or the greatest evil force the world has ever known!?”

I looked at him. He was made of wood and had strings. “No. Just a puppet. So, can you let my friends out or what?” I asked, looking at the balding chubby man with bottle-thick glasses who controlled the puppet’s strings.

“Why are you talking to him!?” the puppet shouted.

“Because... he’s a human being and... you’re made of wood?” Seemed like a no-brainer to me.

“He’s my mind slave!” the puppet shouted again. He looked up to the chubby man and cackled with glee. “Aren’t you... mind slave?”

“Yes... master.. .” the chubby man said.

Oh, brother.

“Yeah. Sure. Mind slave. Silly me for missing that one.”

“Allow me to introduce the architect of your demise!” the manic puppet said. “I am ... Peenoh Keeoh!”

“Don’t you mean ‘Pinocchio’?” I asked.

“Yeah. If I want to get slapped silly with a lawsuit. Idiot!”

One thing you can always count on a villain to do is explain his plan. There’s this thing about bad guys, like they never got enough attention as kids or something, so any time someone will listen to them, they just blab, blab, blab. That’s why they always have lackeys and minions. Those poor stooges have to sit around and listen to their bosses yak all the time.

It’s like people going to a Michael Jackson concert. You don’t know why they do it, but it just keeps happening.

“You’re probably wondering why I did all this?” Peenoh Keeoh asked.

See. Even puppets need attention.

“I plan to shoot the League of Big Justice and their lousy little sidekicks into the heart of the sun! I will be the man who killed the League of Big Justice! Then I will take my diabolical puppet satellite and blast the earth, turning everyone into living puppets!” Peenoh Keeoh cackled again like a mad jackal and then coughed.

“So, let me get this straight. You defeat the League of Big Justice, defeat the sidekicks, then take everybody here, put them in tubes, blast them into space and now...
now
you’re going to shoot them into the sun? And after all that, you’re just going to zap the earth and turn everyone into puppets? And... this makes sense to you?”

“What’s your point?”

“I mean, why didn’t you just leave all of us back on Earth and just turn us into puppets when you zapped everyone else?”

“Hello? Did I say my name was Mr. Plan? No. I don’t think so. When you battle Dr. Oh-What A-Great-Plan-I-Always-Make and his League of Immaculate Strategy, feel free to criticize. But for now, save the commentary....”

Wow. I never realized it before, but sometimes evil is stupid.

“. . . So, after I shoot all of you into the sun, I will place Phase II of my master plan into motion.”

I grabbed a metal box that was magnetically anchored to the floor and raced to King Justice’s tube. I wasn’t sure how strong the glass was, but I was hoping that with enough speed, I could shatter it. I ignored the fact my ankle was about to burst and swung the metal box at the tube while running 48 miles per hour.

“Wait! What are you doing?” Peenoh Keeoh yelled. “I’m not done revealing my master plan. Stop and listen to me talk!”

Here’s a little clue for you. Never listen to the speech. When you’re flying toward the sun and your teammates are trapped in tubes, don’t wait until the end of the speech. It’s just a time killer until the villain can finally laugh and say, “Ha! Ha! And now you’re too late to save them!” Then he pushes a button, most likely red, and everyone blows up. But if you smash the tubes
while
he’s talking and he’s nowhere near the blow-up button, then he just gets real angry because he can’t gloat anymore.

Trust me on this one.

The metal box hit against the tube and... nothing. I hit it again and only managed to crack the exterior.

“Idiot! That’s not ordinary glass!” Peenoh Keeoh laughed. “It’s ...well...I don’t know what it is exactly, but it’s really strong and I got it on sale at Construction Depot.”

I whacked the tube a few more times. Peenoh Keeoh shook his head and looked up to his mind slave.

“They never listen, do they?” Peenoh Keeoh sighed. “Okay. Moving on...”

I ignored Peenoh Keeoh and pressed my hands against King Justice’s tube. I used my speed to vibrate both my hands super fast. The tube rattled violently and shook so hard the cracks grew and grew. My muscles stung and I felt my arms cramp. I couldn’t keep it up much longer.

Peenoh Keeoh’s wooden mouth dropped open. He hit the alarm button as the tube finally shattered. King Justice collapsed to the floor and I nearly joined him. My arms ached as if both my shoulders were dislocated.

“Nice...work...Sporty,” King Justice said.

He took a few deep breaths and regained his senses. King Justice rose. He towered over me.

His chest emblazoned with the colors of the American flag, he stood as a constant reminder of justice and virtue.

“Prepare to taste the Five Knuckles of Goodness, Peenoh Keeoh!” King Justice yelled.

In quick succession, King Justice used his super strength to shatter the tubes imprisoning the other members of the League of Big Justice and the sidekicks.

“Not so fast, you monolithic moron!” Peenoh Keeoh shouted, pointing behind King Justice. Eight towers of evil stood in the doorway like eight really evil towers standing in a doorway.

Le Poop. The Complainer. Jellyfish. The Professor. Mayham and Rye. The Dentist. Santa Claws. These were the deadly members of the Brotherhood of Rottenness.

“Ho-ho-horror!” Santa Claws growled and extended the steel claws in his hands. A bell tinkled at the end of his red cap and his belly jiggled like a bowl full of jelly.

Peenoh Keeoh jumped up on the console and pointed at the heroes.

No. Don’t say it. Anything but those two words that every villain always says at these moments. The two words that should be banned from a villain’s repertoire along with the gloating laugh and the slow-moving death ray.

“Get them!”

There. He had to say it, didn’t he?

“Time to deal justice from the card deck of impartiality!” King Justice called out and leapt into the fray.

The battle royale was met!

The Dentist whipped out his drill. “No novocaine for you!” he yelled and attacked Captain Haggis, who countered with a mighty blast on his Bagpipes of Righteousness.

Santa Claws slashed at The Stain while Charisma Kid flashed his pearly whites. Le Poop rematched with Spice Girl and Spelling Beatrice. The Complainer attacked Ms. Mime, who confused him by pretending to walk against a strong gust of wind. Mayham and Rye took on The Good Egg and King Justice while The Professor blasted Mr. Ironic with his pointer stick. Mr. Ironic used his reflective powers to bounce the blast back at The Professor.

“Look! I’ve used your own power against you!” Mr. Ironic boasted.

Depression Dave slumped in the corner and sat next to Jellyfish, who just quivered. “What’s the use in fighting,” Depression Dave said to the spineless mass on the floor. “I’d just lose anyway.”

Pumpkin Pete raced to the console, hoping to turn the ship around.

That left me... and Peenoh Keeoh. He leaped from the console and landed on my back. The little marionette of madness wrapped his puppet strings around my neck and pulled.

“Whose plan stinks now?” he laughed.

I grabbed Peenoh Keeoh by his tiny wooden hand. “Your reign of terror is over, tiny wooden doll!” I shouted and tried to throw him across the room, but the strings on his controller tightened, and Peenoh Keeoh’s mind slave adjusted the puppet so he landed nimbly on his feet.

“Somehow, I think the chubby guy’s got something to do with the little wood dude!” Pumpkin Pete called out, looking up briefly from the console and referring to Peenoh Keeoh’s mind slave.

Mayham and Rye had cracked The Good Egg and came to help their evil wooden leader. Even with a good ankle, I couldn’t go one-on-three. Or even one-on-two-and-a-puppet.

“Pumpkin Pete! I need your help!”

Pumpkin Pete’s large orange head peeked up from behind the console. “I’m right behind you ...uh... Running-Really-Fast-Kid!” He slowly lowered his head back behind the console.

“Just give up. We should all just give up,” Depression Dave mumbled in the corner. “Isn’t that right, Squishy Fish Thing?”

I wasn’t sure if Jellyfish understood, or what the heck Jellyfish was supposed to be, besides a jellyfish, but he, or she, or it, just quivered and let out a thick bubble of mucus.

Mayham used his massive fists to try to smash me into the floor, but I zipped to the side, where Rye waited with her toasting fire power. It singed my skin.

Rye released a larger fire blast. I didn’t have time to think. I just reacted. I ran toward Mayham so fast, it created a wind channel that sucked Rye’s blast after me. Mayham raised his ham-sized fists to pound me, but I dodged to the side at the last instant. The fire trailing behind me seared Mayham’s face. He swung blindly and clobbered Rye, knocking her unconscious. May-ham stumbled across the room where King Justice took care of him.

“Pumpkin Powers, activate!” Pumpkin Pete shouted and leaped out from behind the console. “Whew. That was a close one,” he said and went back to pushing buttons on the console.

Things looked bad for the Brotherhood of Rottenness. The Good Egg, The Librarian, Lady Bug, Boom Boy, Spelling Beatrice, and The Stain were down for the count, and The Stain was ruining the carpet as well. But the Brotherhood was down to Santa Claws, Le Poop, The Dentist, and Peenoh Keeoh.

Oh, yeah. And Jellyfish.

“The lawnmower of justice has cut down the weeds of your evil, Peenoh Keeoh!” King Justice yelled. “Give up, or prepare to feel the stinging grains from the sandpaper of good, you malicious Muppet!”

“I’ve got more than one splinter for you,” Peenoh Keeoh growled.

“Bring it on, pinecone boy!” King Justice replied.

The two sides squared off. The final dance was about to begin, and baby, I was
so
ready to tango!

Chapter Nine

The Ninth Chapter

“Hey! I think this button will send us home,” Pumpkin Pete said, oblivious to the final battle which was about to take place. Pete’s long, vinelike fingers stabbed down on the lone red button that sat in the middle of the console. “That settles that!”