Signs of Life (5 page)

When Jeremy’s ninety-day stint in rehab ended, Jase was there to pick him up, and he let Jeremy stay with him for a few months while he attempted to get his shit together and figure out where he wanted to go from there. By then Jase had separated from the Navy and was working full-time with San Diego County as an EMT, as well as singing part-time in a local band, but he always seemed to be there when Jeremy needed him most. He was truly one of the best men Jeremy had ever known.

He impulsively opened the photos tab and found his favorite picture of Jase, taken without his knowledge during a trip to the beach one day. Jase was sitting on the sand, one knee drawn up, an arm crooked across it as he gazed out at the ocean. He had a faraway look in those amazing green eyes, a wistful look, almost yearning. Jeremy sensed he wanted there to be a different man beside him right then sharing that beautiful sunset, and he thought whoever put that look in Jase’s eyes was a fool.

He put his phone down and went to take a quick shower, pulling on some comfortable sweats before grabbing a bottle of water and heading out to his wraparound porch. He sat down on his favorite overstuffed chair and called to Jase, smiling at his exuberant. “About time, dude!”

“What’s up?” Jeremy said, taking a huge gulp of his water.

“My band just got signed by one of the biggest clubs in the area. We’re the main headliner for the next three months, man!”

“Jase, that’s fantastic,” Jeremy said sincerely. “Congratulations!”

“Different opening acts every week, but we’re the main attraction. This is it, Jere. This is our big break, our chance to get noticed by people who matter, label execs and scouts.”

“Come a long way since your System of Chaos days, huh?” Jeremy teased, referring to Jase’s high school band.

Jase groaned. “Fuck, don’t remind me. We were all such tools.”

“Maybe, but you were hot. Why else do you think that I, a lofty senior, would have even noticed your sophomore ass?”

Jase laughed. “True fact. But listen, I’ve decided to quit the County EMT and go reserves. I’ll get called out if there’s a big incident, but otherwise I’ll just have to do a few hours a month. That way I can devote more time to songwriting. If we’re going to go anywhere, we have to start writing original stuff. I’m taking a real risk here, a leap of faith, but it’s time to go after what I want.”

“Good luck, Jase. I’m really proud of you.”

“I wanted to invite you to our opening night next month. Think you can make it?” Jase’s voice wasn’t that hopeful, and why should it be? Jeremy had turned down every invitation he had extended over the past year.

Jeremy didn’t say anything, and finally Jase sighed. “Okay, Jere. Just know that I’d love to have you here.”

“Thanks, Jase. I’ll think about it.”

They hung up, and Jeremy sat there, hating himself for the disappointment Jase hadn’t quite been able to hide. The opening night concert would be one of the biggest nights of Jase’s life, and Jeremy didn’t want to go. Somehow he’d convinced himself he wasn’t allowed to have fun, do things for himself, much less be happy. The few times he’d tried, the guilt had overwhelmed him. How could he think of laughing, enjoying himself, when Brent was gone? Their baby gone? It was unthinkable. Even so he was dreading the day when Jase would give up and stop calling.

Now Jeremy picked up his phone again, opening his photos and swiping over to the album simply entitled “Brent.” He opened the folder, steeling himself for the pain. It was there, as usual, but Jeremy was noticing it had become more blunted, not as sharp and cutting. It was a relief, but also in a way it scared him to death. The grief, the pain, had been the center of his world for so long now it had become familiar, almost safe. If he didn’t have that, what did he have anymore?

How fucked up is that?
He’d never considered himself a coward, and over the last year he’d turned into nothing but, using his isolation, his running, to shut out the world. Maybe just coping, just existing, wasn’t enough anymore. Brent would be brokenhearted if he could see him now, but how could Jeremy change that when he didn’t feel ready? Might never feel ready.

He went inside and grabbed his iPad, suddenly determined to do something out of his comfort zone that weekend. Baby steps, right? Maybe he’d go into Portland, get a hotel room, do a little sightseeing, have a nice dinner out. He opened a travel website and started reading hotel reviews.

KAI SPRAWLED
on the hotel room bed in his underwear, trying to wake up. After he got home from the school field trip, he’d hastily packed a bag and then he and Loren made the three-hour drive up to Portland, checking into their usual seedy hotel a couple of blocks from their favorite club. After they got settled and ate dinner, it was 8:00 p.m. and Kai begged for an hour or so to take a quick nap before hitting the club. The exertion of the all-day paintball war and the subsequent long drive had depleted him, and he crashed as soon as his head hit the pillow.

Now he lay there, listening to Loren in the shower, watching idly as he walked naked into the room and started rummaging in his suitcase for clothes. He’d known Loren for around eight years now, and Kai loved him deeply, considered him one of his best friends.

Kai propped himself on his elbows and let his eyes wander idly over Loren’s nakedness. Loren was a big man, tall and muscular. He had thick, glossy brown hair and dark eyes, full lips. He was enormously attractive, even though Kai really preferred his bed partners to have more of a swimmer’s or runner’s build. Of course “runner” made him think of the running man, long and lean, sweaty, and his cock, already half-erect, suddenly hit full mast. He flopped back down into the bed and groaned ruefully, running his hand over himself, squeezing sympathetically.

“Damn, baby, you’re packing there,” Loren said with a leer, throwing himself down onto the bed next to Kai. “Want a little help with that?”

Kai considered it. Loren had a mouth made for sucking cock, and it had been a while, so he knew it wouldn’t take long and would give him some blessed relief. For some reason he decided against it, though, saying, “Nah, man, I’ll save it for some lucky guy tonight.”

“A
very
lucky guy,” Loren said without a trace of jealousy. He slapped Kai’s leg and said, “Get up, then, and get that fine ass dressed. Lucky guys are waiting.”

Kai certainly hoped so. It was a long fucking time since he’d gotten laid, and while a sweaty back-room encounter at a club wasn’t optimal, it would serve his purpose nicely for the moment. He wasn’t really interested in the effort it would take to date someone right now, and besides there was no room in his life for a relationship. He and Loren had each other for sex, and sometimes they headed up here and mixed it up. Whatever.

He rolled out of bed and hit the shower, dressing quickly in his favorite club clothes and accessories, and then he and Loren headed out. It was a Friday night, 10:00 p.m., and the place was just starting to heat up. The headliner was a famous local DJ, and the music was the sort of heavy, throbbing house music that took over the senses and made everything reverberate. Loren whooped and smacked Kai’s ass, then disappeared into the writhing crowd on the dance floor, his big body moving with surprising grace as he danced.

Kai preferred to people watch for a little bit first, so he pushed up to the bar, perched on a stool and ordered a beer.

The crowd ebbed and flowed around him, and for the moment Kai was content to just hang out and absorb the atmosphere. There were men on the prowl, men out with dates, men with furtive, guilty, desperate looks on their faces. Kai recognized the type: married to a woman, living a lie. He had a lot more sympathy for these men than anyone would ever know.

He’d been there, hiding his true nature from the thugs he lived and ran with, fucking girls just to fit in, be accepted. At the time the gang was the closest thing he had to a family, and the fact that he was a “faggot” wasn’t going to take that from him. He’d snuck out as often as he could to clubs like this across town, slipping away with whoever would take him and get him off quickly, anybody who could help him to forget for a while the squalor he lived in, a life going nowhere, numbing boredom punctuated with moments of shocking, brutal violence. Kai shuddered, thinking about those days. He’d been lucky to get out alive.

Damn, he needed to shake off these gloomy thoughts! He straightened on his stool again, scanning the crowd with renewed purpose. Time to get down to the reason he was even here in the first place, the chance to bury himself in tight, silky heat, to taste salty musk, to feel hair-roughened skin beneath his hands and against his body. He lifted his gaze to scan the crowd again, letting the hunger burn in his eyes, show on his face, and he looked up, straight into a pair of familiar gray eyes, no longer icy but glowing with silver heat.

JEREMY ALMOST
flinched as the man’s eyes met his but somehow he managed not to. There was something vaguely familiar about him, which was why Jeremy had been watching him in the first place, but he was positive they’d never met. This man was unforgettable. When Jeremy had first walked into the club, so noisy and crowded, he’d almost turned around and left. It was a mad impulse that led him here in the first place, and it had been so long since Jeremy was impulsive that he felt shaken and out of his depth. That fact alone had stiffened his resolve to stay for at least a little while; then he’d gotten a glimpse of the beautiful, exotic man, and nothing could have convinced him to leave.

The first thing that struck Jeremy was how confident he seemed, how he held himself. Here was a man who knew who he was and was comfortable in his own skin. He was simply dressed in a tight black graphic T-shirt and jeans, but when he’d stood up from his stool to dig his wallet out of his back pocket to pay for his drink, Jeremy’s mouth watered as the jeans slid down to ride low on the man’s hips, showing a slice of muscled belly.

His shoulders were broad, his torso slim and compact yet rippling with muscle under the tight shirt. Long, lean legs were showcased by the soft, worn jeans, black boots completing the look. As Jeremy stood at the edges of the sheltering crowd and stared, he noticed the leather bracelets and silver rings the man sported on his wrists and hands, his eyes following the corded forearms up to a tattoo that was just visible on his right bicep, the lower edge of it peeking out of the sleeve of the shirt.

Jeremy edged closer, lust surging through him, his eyes drinking in thick black hair, carelessly styled, and a nose that had been broken before but did nothing to detract from the man’s startling good looks. As he tilted his head back to take a long swallow of his beer, Jeremy’s mouth watered at the arch of his throat, the muscles working as he swallowed, a pair of sinful lips wrapped around the tip of the bottle like Jeremy suddenly wanted them wrapped around the tip of his cock, drinking
him
down as Jeremy emptied his balls against the back of his throat….

Then the man’s eyes met his, the predatory heat in them making Jeremy’s knees weak. As the man licked his lips, Jeremy noticed with a jolt he was sporting a hoop through the lower one, emphasizing the plump fullness of it, and the simmering lust ramped up into raging hunger. Helplessly Jeremy moved closer, the man holding his gaze, the eyeliner he had lightly applied around his amazing golden eyes making him look even more exotic, dangerous.

Jeremy got as close as he could, the people massed around the bar making it difficult to get next to his target. The man looked Jeremy up and down leisurely, all the way to his feet and back up to his flushed and burning face; then he slowly spread his knees wide, making room for Jeremy between them. Jeremy moved in, feeling like he was strangling, his chest tight, the need to touch, kiss, lick and bite overwhelming him.

“Hey,” the man said, his voice deep and husky, lightly accented.

Jeremy swallowed, then nodded, all of his senses focused on the heat of the man’s body close to his, the way his legs looked splayed around Jeremy’s hips.

“Are you here with anyone?” he asked, annoyed at how abrupt his voice sounded. He wasn’t used to making small talk anymore, wasn’t used to the mating dance between strangers. It had been so easy with Brent: a backyard barbeque with friends, an introduction, mutual attraction and easy conversation leading to an invitation to dinner. They hadn’t spent more than a day or two apart after that.

The thought of Brent was like ice water on his ardor, and he could feel himself shutting down, wondering what the hell he was doing. Just as he was about to take a step back and leave, he felt the man settle his warm hands on his hips, stroking the skin between his shirt and the waistband of his jeans with a rough thumb.

“Just a friend,” the man said softly. Jeremy struggled to focus, remembering he’d just asked if he was here with anyone. The thumb caressing Jeremy’s sensitive skin was rough, callused, and it felt so good. It had been so long since he’d been touched….

Jeremy took a deep breath. He could do this… he
wanted
to do this. It was just fucking, just mutual pleasure with a willing stranger, a stranger he would never lay eyes on again. Purging his thoughts of anything except need, lust, he laid his hands high on the man’s splayed thighs, drawing circles with this thumbs along the inner seam of his jeans, flirting with his crotch but not quite touching.

“I want to fuck you,” Jeremy blurted, hating himself for his ineptness, his cheeks flushing hotter as the man’s amazing eyes filled with amusement.

“Yeah, I got that, amigo,” he said, tightening his grip on Jeremy’s hips to keep him from moving away. “And I want to let you.”

Jeremy stopped trying to pull away, dropping his gaze to the man’s lips, which were moist and slightly parted, the hoop through the full bottom one gleaming in the club lights.

“Have a drink with me, sexy, and tell me your name.” The man leaned away and gestured for the bartender, the motion causing his T-shirt to pull even tighter across his chest, outlining what looked like a bar through his left nipple… oh sweet Jesus. Jeremy had never found piercings sexy before, but now all he could think about was that lip ring teasing the tip of his aching cock, feeling that hard silver bar in his own mouth while he tugged at it with his teeth and bit down….