Silent Honor (3 page)

But eventually, after the initial excitement died down, Masao turned his attention to world news again, and forgot about moving to California. The war in China was continuing. There was trouble in Germany in October and November, which fascinated him too. And in November, the young National Socialist leader, Adolf Hitler, tried to effect a coup against the German government, failed, and was arrested. Masao was greatly intrigued by him, and taught several of his more advanced political science classes on the subject of the young German radical, whom he felt certain would change the course of Germany before much longer.

In January, Lenin died, which provided further fodder for discussions among the political scientists. And in February, Masao discovered that once again Hidemi was pregnant. The baby was due in June this time, and Hidemi was going to the shrine daily to pray for a son, although Masao again insisted that he would be just as happy with another daughter. Hiroko was seven months old by then, and Hidemi had already started making the traditional silk princess ball for her, just like the one her own mother had given her for her wedding. And when Hiroko wasn't strapped to her mother's back, she was crawling everywhere, and laughing and giggling, and thoroughly enchanting her father. He spoke English to her, and although his own English was not totally without flaws, he was fairly fluent, and even Hidemi could now manage a simple conversation in English. Masao was proud of her. She was a good wife to him, a wonderful friend, and a loving mother. She was everything he had hoped for, and in letters to his cousin in America, he always told little stories about her, and praised her. And he often included photographs of their baby. She was a pretty little girl, tiny for her age, and even more delicate than her mother. But what she lacked in size, she made up for in energy. And at nine months, she started walking.

Hidemi was seven months pregnant when Hiroko walked for the first time. And Hidemi was even bigger this time than the last time. Masao was once again insistent that she go to a hospital and not attempt to have their baby at home without benefit of a doctor.

“It went very well last time, Masao-san.” She stood firm. Her sister was pregnant again as well, so she would be unable to come and help her, but her mother was planning to be there.

“People don't do that anymore, Hidemi-san,” he insisted. “This is 1924, not the dark ages of the last century. You will be safer in a hospital, and so will the baby.” Masao loved reading American medical journals, as well as the material that related to political science for his classes. And after reading about obstetrical complications a number of times, the idea of giving birth at home again appalled him. But Hidemi was far less modern than he, and extremely stubborn.

Just as scheduled, her mother arrived at the beginning of June, and planned to be there for three or four weeks before the baby. She helped Hidemi with Hiroko every day, and it gave Hidemi a little more free time to spend with her husband. They even managed to spend a day and a night in Tokyo, which was a treat for them, and it fascinated them to see all the reconstruction after the earthquake.

Five days after they returned, Masao and Hidemi were lying on their futons late one night, when Masao noticed that Hidemi was moving around restlessly, and finally she got up and went to walk in the garden. He joined her after a little while, and asked her if the baby was coming. And finally, after hesitating, she nodded. A year earlier she wouldn't have said anything to him, but after two years of marriage, she was finally a little less shy, and a little more open with him.

He had long since lost the battle for the hospital, and as he watched her, he asked her if she wanted him to go and get her mother. And for an odd moment, she shook her head, and then reached for his hand, as though she wanted to tell him something.

“Is something wrong, Hidemi? You must tell me if there is.” He always worried that out of modesty she would fail to tell him if she was ill or if there was something wrong with her or the baby. “You must not disobey me,” he said, hating the words, but knowing that they were the key to making her tell him if there was a problem. “Is something wrong?”

She shook her head as she looked at him, and then turned away, her face filled with emotion.

“Hidemi-san, what is it?”

She turned back to look at him then, with the huge dark eyes he loved so much and which always reminded him of their daughter. “I am afraid, Masao-san….”

“Of having the baby?” He felt so sorry for her, his heart went out to her, momentarily sorry that he had helped her do this. He had felt that way the last time, when he had glimpsed her pain. He hoped that this time it would be easy for her.

But she shook her head, and then looked at him so sadly. She was twenty-one years old, and there were times when she looked like a little girl, and other times when she seemed totally a woman. He was seven years older than she, and much of the time, he felt protective of her, and almost old enough to be her father.

“I am afraid it will not be a son …again…. Perhaps we will have many daughters.” She looked at him despairingly and he gently put his arms around her and held her.

“Then we will have many daughters. … I am not afraid of that, Hidemi-san. I only want you to be well, and not suffer. … I will be happy with daughters or sons…. You must not do this for me again, if you don't wish it.” There were times when he thought she had rushed into having another child just to please him and give him the son she felt would bring him honor. Her gift of a son for him was the most important thing she could give him.

And when her mother came to lead her away, Hidemi looked at him reluctantly. She liked being with him, and odd as it seemed, she didn't want to go away from him to have their baby. She knew that in some ways, their relationship was different than that of most Japanese couples. Masao liked being with her, and helping her, and spending time with her and Hiroko. Even now, in pain, she wanted him to be with her, although she knew that her mother would have been shocked to hear her say it. But she would never say it to anyone. They would never have understood her feelings, or the way Masao treated her. He was always so kind and so respectful.

For hours she lay in her mother's room, thinking of him, and this time she knew from the way the pains came that the baby would come before morning. She had felt the pains all afternoon, but hadn't wanted to say anything. She didn't want to leave Masao, and she had liked lying next to him, and being close to him, and all that day being with Hiroko. But now she knew she had work to do, and she lay silently as her mother gave her something to bite on so she wouldn't make a sound. She would do nothing to disgrace her husband.

But as time wore on, the baby didn't seem to move, and when her mother finally looked, she could see nothing. No head, no hair, no movement at all. There was just endless pain, until Hidemi was almost out of her mind with it by morning.

And as though he sensed that something was wrong tins time, Masao came to the shoji screens several times and inquired how she was doing. His mother-in-law always bowed politely and assured him that Hidemi was fine, but at first light, he noticed that even the old woman was looking frightened.

“How is she now?” he asked, looking haggard. He had been worried about her all night, and he wasn't sure why, but he somehow sensed that this time was different. Last time, there had been an atmosphere of calm about the two women bustling in and out of the labor room. This time there was only Hidemi's mother, and he could feel throughout the night that she wasn't pleased with her daughter's progress. “Is the child not coming?” he asked, and she hesitated, and then shook her head, and then he horrified her with his next question. “May I see her?”

She was about to tell him that he couldn't come in, but he looked so determined that she didn't dare say it. She hesitated in the doorway for a moment, and then stepped aside, and what he saw in the room behind her terrified him, as he hurried toward Hidemi. She was only half conscious, and moaning softly. Her face was gray, and she had bitten down so hard on the stick her mother had given her that she'd bitten through it. He pulled it gently out of her mouth, and felt her belly tighten beneath his hand, as he tried to ask her some questions. But she couldn't hear him. And when he looked more closely, after another minute or two, he saw that she had slipped into complete unconsciousness and she was hardly breathing. He had no medical degree, and he'd never been at a delivery before, but he was certain, as he looked at her, that she was dying.

“Why didn't you call me?” he snapped at his mother-in-law, terrified by what he was seeing. Hidemi's lips were faintly blue and so were her fingernails, and he wondered if the baby was even still alive within her. She had been in labor for hours, and she was obviously in serious trouble.

“She is young, she will do it herself,” her mother explained, but even she didn't sound convinced, as he hurried out of the house and ran to the neighbors' house. They had a telephone. He had long since wanted to put one in, but Hidemi always insisted they didn't need one, and in an emergency they could always get a message at the neighbors'. He ran to them now, and called the hospital, which he knew he should have taken her
to
despite all her protests. They promised to send an ambulance for her as soon as possible, and Masao berated himself for not insisting she go there in the first place.

When he got back to the house, it was an interminable wait for the ambulance to come, and Masao simply sat on the floor, rocking her back and forth in his arms like a baby. He could feel her slipping away from him. And through it all, the terrible tightening of her belly continued. Even her mother seemed helpless now. All the little tricks and old wives' tales had been useless. When the ambulance came for her, her eyes were closed, her face was gray, and her breathing was the merest thread to life. The doctor who had come for her was amazed that she had come this far.

They put her quickly into the ambulance, and Masao asked his mother-in-law to stay with Hiroko. He didn't even take the time to bow, he just left with Hidemi and the doctor. The doctor said very little to Masao in the ambulance, but he checked her constantly, and finally just before they got to the hospital, he looked up and shook his head at Masao.

“Your wife is very ill,” he said, confirming Masao's worst fears. “I don't know if we can save her. She has lost a great deal of blood, and she's in shock. I believe the baby is turned the wrong way, and she has worked for many hours. She's very weak now.” Nothing that he said came as a surprise, but it sounded like a death sentence to her husband.

“You
must
save her,” he said savagely, looking like a samurai and not the gentle soul he was. “You
must I”
He refused to lose her.

“Well do everything we can,” the doctor tried to reassure him. Masao looked half mad, with his hair disheveled and wild eyes full of grief for Hidemi.

“And the baby?” He wanted to know it all now. They had been so stupid to stay at home. It was so old-fashioned and ignorant, and he didn't know why he had let her convince him. And now look at what had happened. More than ever, he was certain that the old ways were dangerous, or even fatal.

“I can still hear a heartbeat,” the doctor explained, “but only a faint one. Do you have other children, sir?”

“A daughter,” Masao said distractedly, staring at Hidemi in wild-eyed desperation.

“I'm sorry.”

“Is there nothing you can do now?” Masao asked. Her breathing seemed even fainter and more labored than it had when the doctor arrived. She was slowly losing her grip on life, and there was nothing he could do to stop her. He felt rage and despair wash over him, as the doctor answered.

“We must wait until we get to the hospital.” If she lived that long, the young doctor thought. He doubted now if she'd even survive the operation she needed to save her life and the baby's. It was almost hopeless.

They careened through the streets in the ambulance, and finally reached the hospital after what seemed like an interminable journey, and Hidemi was rushed away from him, still unconscious on a gurney. He wondered if he would ever see her alive again, and he waited alone for what seemed like hours, as he thought of the two brief years of their marriage. She had been so good to him, so loving in countless ways. He couldn't believe that it might all end now, in a single moment, and he hated himself for getting her pregnant.

He waited two hours before a nurse finally came to him. She bowed low before she spoke, and he had a sudden urge to strangle her. He didn't want obsequities, he wanted to know how his wife was.

“You have a son, Takashimaya-san,” the nurse told him politely. “He is very big and very healthy.” He had been a little blue when he was born, but he had recovered very quickly, unlike his mother, who was still in a grave state in surgery. The outcome did not look hopeful.

“And my wife?” Masao asked, holding his breath in silent prayer.

“She is very ill,” the nurse said, bowing again. “She is still in surgery, but the doctor wished you to be informed about your son.”

“Will she be all right?” The nurse hesitated, and then nodded, not wanting to be the one to tell him that it was unlikely.

“The doctor will come to see you soon, Takashimaya-san.” She bowed again and was gone, as Masao stood and stared out the window. He had a son, a little boy, but all the excitement, all the joy, was dispelled by the terror of losing the baby's mother.

It seemed an eternity before the doctor came to him. In fact, it was almost noon, but Masao didn't know it. He had completely lost track of time. The baby had been born at nine o'clock, but it had taken another three hours to save his mother. But they'd done it. She had lost frightening quantities of blood, and the doctor explained with regret that this would be her last child. There wasn't even the remotest possibility that she could have another. But she was alive. They had saved her, though barely. He explained that she would have to rest for a long time, but he felt certain that eventually, as young as she was, she would be healthy, and useful to him.