Silent Scream (26 page)

Raising her arms over her head, she stretched and tried to blink away the bleariness.  Just as she was heading toward the triage desk to tell them she was going to hide in a back exam room and catch a catnap, she saw a tall man wearing a brown uniform standing in her way.  She peered at him and realized it was Sam, the likeness between he and Gabriel unbelievable, and that likeness created an ache within her, renewing her worries.  She nervously chewed her bottom lip, wishing she had all the answers Sam wanted to hear.

He stepped toward her.  "Maddie?"

"Hi, Sam," she said and nodded toward him.

"Yolanda called me."  He pulled off his hat and cradled it in his arm.  "She said Tammy had been brought here."

"Yeah."  Maddie gestured to the triage desk.  "I can find out what room she's in for you."

He lightly grabbed her arm and stopped them both.  "How is she?"

"I'm the wrong person to ask, Sam."  She gazed at his dark eyes, the same shade of brown as Gabriel's.  "I didn't even do the ER assessment.  I just saw her and knew you'd want to be called."

 His fingers slowly uncurled from around her arm.  "Okay, maybe you didn't do the actual assessment, but Maddie, you've seen her. Tell me what you know?"  His dark eyes implored her and he frowned painfully.  "Please?"

Maddie swallowed hard and tried not to tremble.  She tried not to make this personal, but it really didn't matter that she was a doctor.  Before she'd ever received that degree, she’d been a human being, and humans felt things.  They cried when they hurt, they laughed when they could, and sometimes, when there were no other options, they grieved.  "She didn't look good, Sam.  There were lots of signs of smoke inhalation and—”

Yolanda appeared beside her and said, "I need to speak with you."  She leveled a meaningful gaze at Maddie.

"Can't it wait?" she asked, meeting Yolanda's gaze.

"No."  She pointed toward the triage desk.  "There's an urgent call for you."

"Excuse me for a moment," she said, touching Sam's shoulder.  "I'll be right back."  Yolanda tugged her arm, and the two headed to the desk.

 "What is going on?" Maddie asked.  "I was just telling Sam about Tammy."

"Gabriel's at Southwestern."

"What?"  Maddie grabbed the counter and tried to steady herself.  "Why wasn't he brought here?"  It was a useless question.  She knew that.  But it gave her time to prepare for the questions she didn't want to ask but knew she would.

"At a massive incident site, they always divide up the patients.   It was just the luck of the draw."  Yolanda peered at her intently, but Maddie looked away, knowing fear had inscribed itself deep into her features.  It had become a part of her that she could not hide, no matter how desperately she wished to.

"How is he?" she whispered, grasping the counter so tightly  her knuckles had turned white.  She held fast to it, as though it were the only thing keeping her upright. Hell, maybe it was.

"He was taken to Southwestern but coded out before he arrived."

"Oh, God."  Her voice cracked under the pain, and she felt her knees wobble, threatening to dump her onto the linoleum floor, but the counter supported her.  "Oh, God."  Tears burned her throat and eyes, and she swallowed hard and fast, over and over, trying to blink them away.  I should have called him, she thought
.  I should have at least said thank you again, or even asked him how he was doing.
  She felt the weight of Yolanda's hand press down upon her shoulder, and, more than anything, she just wanted to run away.  Shaking her head, she thought of all the times she'd been the one to tell someone that kind of news, and no matter what, the pain of it had never really touched her.  But now, this had come too close.   Her body trembled violently, as though it were like a soda which had been shaken and now waited for someone to open it.  "What happened?  Do they know?"

Yolanda kept rubbing her shoulder.  "He was the one who went in after Tammy.  He knew she was in there, and he knew he couldn't let her die.  So he went."

Cringing, Maddie knew that explanation fit.  He would have done that.  She peered at Sam.  His head was tilted to the floor and he stared off into space as though oblivious of everything around him.  He thrust his hat back on his head and leaned back against the counter.  Although his skin normally appeared darker, today the pallor of his cheeks contrasted sharply with the brown  uniform he wore. 

"Maddie?"  Yolanda said.  "Are you all right?"

Maddie turned back toward the nurse and nodded, hoping like hell the tears were gone from her eyes.  "Yeah, I’m fine."  Lifting one hand, she rubbed the back of her neck, trying to massage away the panic her fingers couldn't touch.  It didn't matter that she couldn't grab it and throw it away.   

"They haven't been able to get hold of Sam and tell him.  I know he’s here, but you don’t have to be the one to tell him."  Yolanda looked toward Sam.  “Do you want me to tell them to call the police department and have them get through to him?"

Maddie also looked at Gabriel's brother and the haggard expression on his face as his eyes met hers—wounded eyes, not ready to accept this.  He'd buried a sister already.  He couldn't take this alone. 

"No, I'll tell him.  Do you know what room Tammy is in?"

“204.”

Maddie started to walk away, but Yolanda grabbed her arm.

"You sure you feel up to this?"

"What does that have to do with it?" she replied softly.  "Gabriel saved my life, Yolanda.  He did so many things for me he didn't have to do, things I didn't understand until now.  I'm going to go see Sam and try to help him through this.  Since I’m due for a break, first I’ll take him up to Tammy’s room "

"Maybe you should tell him you loved his brother."

"I don't…."   The words died as she thought of Gabriel.  She could still hear his voice in her head—patient, calm, sweet.  And that was when she knew what regrets were made of.

“Maddie, you should just take the rest of the day off.”

“No.”   She edged over to Sam, staring at the tiles of the floor instead of his worried face.

"Do you know what room she’s in?” he asked, and without waiting for her answer continued with another question.  “Can I see her?" he asked softly, staring at the white-tiled floor.

"Tammy’s in room 204, and you can see her in a minute.  I need to talk to you first.”  Maddie folded her arms across her chest and braced her back as she reached for some kind of professional aura she didn’t feel.  She wasn’t just the doctor in this case.  It was personal, and she felt it.  “It wasn’t just Tammy who was involved in the fire, Sam.  Gabriel was hurt, too.”

“What?”

“He found out Tammy was in the building, and he went in after her.  As he was leaving the apartment, it exploded.”

Sam’s shoulders sagged, and the color drained from his face.  “Not Gabriel, too.”

She reached out and touched his shoulder.  “He was brought in as a DOA at Southwestern.”

As she touched his shoulder, Sam sagged as though the weight of the world had pressed him down.  “If Tammy was brought here, why wasn’t he?”

Maddie shivered from an unexpected chill.  She looked toward the door and finally understood why.  One of the janitors was cleaning the glass doors and constantly setting off the automatic doors, allowing the winter wind and snow inside the ER. As she turned back to face Gabriel’s brother, she knew by the stony expression on his face he had asked the question of her for the same reason Maddie had asked Yolanda: it bought time to get emotions in check.  Still, even if it were a diversionary tactic, it still deserved an answer.  “It’s policy at an extensive emergency scene to divide the patients among outlying hospitals to minimize overwhelming the staff and maximizing treatment.”  She pushed a stray hair from her face. “The nurses at Southwestern have been trying to reach you but haven’t been able to, so I told them I would relay the message.”

“Do you know what happened?”  Sam spoke in a quietly neutral tone as he peered at the ground.   His fingers curled inward, forming fists that trembled with raging emotions forced in check.

“He was on the stairs when part of the building exploded.  I’m sorry, Sam.  You will never know just how sorry I am.”  Her voice cracked, and she tried to keep the tears invisible, but her eyes flooded with them, and she suddenly felt his arms around her, drawing her so tightly to him she almost couldn’t breathe.  He held her close, his body trembling as they both cried.  She closed her eyes and gave in to the weariness and pain she could no longer contain.  Maddie didn’t know how long she stood there, but when they’d finally parted, she could see a large wet spot where her tears had soaked into his uniform.  She brushed at the spot, trying to minimize it.  “Sorry about that.”  Then she dabbed at her own eyes.

“Don’t worry.”  He shoved the hat back on his head.  “It’ll just look like melted snow.”

She looked at her watch.  “I’ll take you  to Tammy.  I heard it was Gabriel who saved her.”

 He winced as the words struck him.  “He talked about you a lot, even after things had settled down and your life had gone on.  He really had no reason to think about you, but  he did.”

“Why?”  Maddie led them both toward the public elevator and pushed the up button.

Sam shoved his hands deep into his pants pockets.  “Lots of reasons, I expect.”  The elevator doors slid open, and the two of them stepped into an empty car.

“Such as?”  Maddie watched him take off his hat and lean against the wall.  He closed his eyes and rested his head as his hands settled on the silver bar that ran waist-high around the elevator.  Even though his body was still, as if gearing up for what he was about to see, his fingers frantically thrummed the metal in a wild, patternless motion.

“Maybe you reminded him of Jessie.  He couldn’t save her, but you gave him a chance to prove that had he been there, maybe he could have.  After all, he saved you.”  He raked his fingers through his hair and leveled his dark eyes at her.  “Maybe he’d gotten so used to not feeling anything, then you came along and shook things up, making him remember what it’s like to feel again.”  He settled his hat back on his head.  “Hell, maybe he was crazy about you but was just too afraid to contact you because he didn’t want to remind you of a time in your life you’d rather forget.”

The elevator bell rang, and the doors opened to a virtually deserted floor save for a janitor who mopped the floor about twenty feet away.  Maddie wrapped her arms around her body and stepped onto the floor.  “Tammy’s room is this way,” she said, quietly taking the lead as she stared ahead at the tiled floor while mulling over what she’d just heard.  A voice inside her head just kept telling her the first reason Sam mentioned had to be right—that Gabriel had kept thinking about his sister and he’d needed to feel that if he’d known, he could have somehow saved her. 

Maddie read the room numbers as they walked down the hall and paused.  “Here she is.”  She glanced at her watch.  “She’s probably sleeping, given the late hour.”

Sam stiffened as he peered in at the woman lying in the bed.  His shoulders slumped, and he clenched his eyes closed for just a moment as though trying to disbelieve it all away.  A moment later, he opened his eyes and nodded at Maddie.  “Thank you,” he said, timidly ducking into the half-lit room where Maddie could see the petite blonde sleeping as an IV post stood sentry at her bedside.  Picking up the chart from its holder just outside the door, Maddie flipped it open and scanned the info.  Tammy was stable.  She’d been receiving breathing treatments to combat all the crap in her lungs, but it didn’t seem to be helping as much as it should.  Maddie closed the chart and looked at Sam as he perched on the chair beside the bed.  His left hand crept to hers and gingerly picked it up, trying to conceal its trembling by resting it on the blanket.  He whispered her name, but she did not stir.  Tears pooled in his eyes.  “Tammy, baby, can you hear me?”

The way his normally roughened voice softened with her name, Maddie felt tears in her own eyes.  The pallor of his cheeks and the tight line of his mouth confirmed his pain.  Stepping into the room, Maddie said, “She probably won’t respond, considering they have her on a morphine drip right now.  She probably isn’t even aware we exist.  Maybe tomorrow would be a better time to visit.” She touched his arm lightly.

Sam slowly rose, his gaze still lingering on Tammy’s pale face.  He turned his gaze to Maddie.  “Will you tell her I did come, and that I’ll be back as soon as I can?”

“Of course.”

He looked back at Tammy, a shadow of pain crossing his features and disappearing into the darkness of his eyes. 

The sudden ringing of his cell made Maddie jump.  Sam pulled the phone out of his pocket.  “Yeah?”  He paused for a moment and then nodded.  “I’m on my way.”  Then he snapped the phone shut and stood.

“What’s going on?”  Maddie asked.  She didn’t know what else to say and some part of her didn’t want Sam to leave as though the last part of Gabriel would go with him.

“There are looters at the complex, and right now the place is a mess, with half the building still smoldering.  Hell, they are still bringing casualties to Southwestern.”

Maddie nodded.  “Yeah, we don’t have any more room.”  She wrapped her arms across her abdomen, and before she’d realized it, she was crying.  “I’m sorry, Sam.  God, I’m sorry.  He was so good to me, and now he’s gone.”

Without words, Sam tugged her into his embrace, and for a moment the two of them just stood there, taking comfort in not being alone with a sadness too big to be contained.  Then Sam finally pulled away and headed out the door.

 Once he had left, Maddie headed out the door and back to the ER, where it was still busy, but at least there was order and all the patients had rooms instead of being shoved in every corner of the hallway.  She slipped over to look at the charts one last time, figuring that even though her job was done here for now, Southwestern couldn’t possibly handle that kind of load.  She couldn’t swallow her grief, but she could go over there and help someone.

As she turned, she almost ran into Yolanda.  “Maddie, you need to get some rest.”