Silver Clouds (19 page)

After one more circuit they headed towards Danjar Plains. From the air, Tessa could see the Eyre Highway stretching out into the misty haze of both horizons. She knew that this section of the highway was called the 90-mile straight – a driver didn't have to turn his steering wheel once as he drove the ribbon of blue through seemingly endless low scrubby bush. Tessa could see road trains thundering along and cars pulling caravans.

‘So how did you get on with Cally?' Harrison asked.

It seemed the tourist lap was over. Tessa glanced over her shoulder. Cally was sleeping. ‘Really well. She's a delight, Harrison. I think we both had fun.'

‘That's good.'

‘She looks like you.'

‘You reckon? Not really, she's so much like Ange.' He turned to check his instruments, but not before pain flickered across his face. There was more to Harrison than met the eye, she decided.

Tessa saw Harrison check his instruments again. He tapped at one of the gauges and she felt her stomach constrict. She was really in a very small plane! He adjusted a couple of things then sat back.

Tessa continued to scan the horizon, then realised she hadn't told Harrison about the clothes.

‘Cally really needs some new clothes, Harrison,' she said.

‘Does she?'

‘Most of her shirts were too small. I've left the website details and what she wants to buy on the fridge in the kitchen. Could you order them when you get home? All you need to do is put your credit-card details in and the company will put them in the mail. But you'll have to do it soon because she'll need them for the Muster.'

‘No worries.'

Harrison looked over at her. ‘Seems like you've relaxed since you got home. All those lines around your eyes have gone – makes you look younger. Danjar Plains must be good for you, Tessa,' he said, grinning wickedly and patting her knee. Tessa felt a thrill shoot through her. Desperately trying to hide it, she turned back towards the window and stared down at the ground below.

A short time later, they began the descent to Danjar Plains. Harrison turned to look at Tessa. ‘Thanks for organising the clothes,' he said quietly. ‘She really needs someone to do it with her. I'm not much good at that. I didn't even know.' He turned back to the business of landing, before Tessa could say anything.

The laughter around the kitchen table was how Tessa remembered it when she was a child. Ryan was animatedly telling a story he'd heard on ABC radio and her mother was laughing at his antics. Her dad was leaning back with a bit of grin – even Marni cracked a smile.

Yes, it was good to be home, even if it was only for a short time.

‘I don't believe a word you're saying,' Tessa interjected. Ryan's story had got completely out of control.

‘Oh, don't you? Well, next time you're on the computer, you get onto the Regional Drive WA's website and have a listen – they said they'd put it up as a podcast.'

‘I'll probably die waiting with the download speed here! Oh, now that reminds me, how come Cally's internet for school work is so much quicker than ours?' Tessa asked.

‘Probably got something to do with funding for School of the Air.'

‘But what about checking stock or wool prices, using it as a marketing tool to get the best sales and that sort of thing?'

‘Tessa, love,' her mother said, shaking her head. ‘We are simple farmers. We grow wool and meat. As farmers, it doesn't matter how much we try, we are price takers, not setters. We're always going to be at the whim of world market prices for wool, the Australian dollar and what the abattoirs are paying for meat. We are at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak.'

Tessa felt indignant. Her hard-working family wasn't able to have choices? That seemed so very wrong. Not able to think of anything to say, she reverted to one of the sayings she'd always used as a child when trying to shock her parents. ‘Well, that sucks!'

The table erupted into laughter again.

Tessa pulled the sheets back on her childhood bed and slipped between them. It was hot again and the mozzies were buzzing at her window. She hoped none had managed to penetrate the flyscreen. Whoever thought station nights were silent had obviously never slept with a single mosquito buzzing in their ear.

A book open on her lap, she leaned back against the bedhead and tried to read. The words weren't making sense. She was conflicted. Harrison had showed a different side today. It was clear he loved his child to distraction and for some reason she assumed he would be like that with a wife.

This has to stop. Now. Think about Brendan.

That didn't work either, so she looked around for another diversion. The bookshelf above her desk – she got out of bed to take a closer look. Running her fingers across the spines of the books, she stopped at one and tapped it. It was a thick glossy book about Australian native animals. She'd won it in Year 7 for the most improved in her School of the Air class. She could still remember how excited she'd been when it had come in the mail and how reverently she had turned each page, marvelling at the beautiful photos and information on animals she saw almost daily.

Spider had been so proud of her.

But all of that was before Kendra. Before her world crumbled. Lord, what a fuck-up she was.

Pulling the book from the shelf, she cracked it open. Inside, just where she'd left it on the day that Kendra had been killed, was a hand-written page of lyrics. She'd put them in this book because of the contradiction. How she could achieve so highly, but how her life had slumped to such a low.

When she'd written these words out, she had truly believed Slim Dusty had written them for her.

Slim's music had been such a presence in her childhood. She remembered singing along to his songs as she drove around the station or travelled to Norseman or Kalgoorlie with her parents. And the shearers were always playing Slim on their tape deck in the shed.

The lyrics of his songs had struck a chord deep within her, none more so than ‘The Biggest Disappointment'. Tessa related to every word in that song. In her mind, she could still hear the opening guitar twang and Slim's gravelly voice reaching into her soul, singing about her and what she already knew. She knew she was the biggest disappointment to her family. She didn't seem to fit in, just like that twisted branch Slim Dusty sang about, and she certainly hadn't been the girl Aunty Spider had hoped she'd be. There. It was clear. The song had been written for her.

As Tessa traced those words with her fingers and replayed the song in her head, she thought on all her failures. All her mistakes came flooding back and the light-heartedness of the evening left her. Slim had been right or, at least, the song had. Did she really think she could get away from the ghosts of her past out here? This is where they mostly were, for goodness sake!

Tessa slumped down to the floor, staring.

‘The biggest disappointment in the family was me,' she whispered.

Chapter 19

The smell of sandalwood hit Tessa as soon as she opened the door of Aunty Spider's house. Her throat tightened and her eyes filled with tears. She hadn't slept the night before – not after recalling what a failure she was. She had gone over and over every single mistake she had ever made. From tiny ones, like leaving the gate of the chook yard open so a fox or dingo got in, to hanging out with the wrong crowd at school. Then there were the London mistakes. Tessa knew she was going to have to keep herself very busy today – she was too fragile for her own good. And that's why she felt Brendan was more her style. He was like her. Bad and good all mixed in. There was no way in the world Harrison would want to touch tarnished goods like her. He was a kind, caring person. One with values. Best to banish any thoughts she had, because Harrison wouldn't be thinking along the same lines.

Last night, she'd thrown herself onto the bed and wept quietly, so she didn't alert her parents. But once the crying had subsided, the craving for a drink had been so intense that she'd paced the perimeter of the room as if it was a prison cell. She couldn't go out and grab a beer from the fridge or pour herself a glass of wine, no matter how much she wanted to. She'd worked too hard to keep away from it. But she'd had to keep moving so she didn't succumb.

Realistically, she knew she should be celebrating today – she hadn't given in to the desire for alcohol. She'd stayed strong. But Tessa knew her demons were too close to the surface to allow for anything as frivolous as celebration. A ‘celebration' always pulled her back towards the booze. This whole sorry saga started with alcohol and it just always seemed natural to return to it. Yes, that was something else she'd worked out while she'd been here.

She dumped her overnight bag on the floor. Ryan was behind her, carrying a box and some frozen meals Peggy had cooked – care packages.

‘Would you like a coffee?' she asked, remembering she had the info on IVF in her bag.

‘That would be good,' he answered, his eyes sweeping over the lounge room.

Tessa could almost hear him thinking:
What's changed since I was here last? Has she moved
anything, got rid of something that reminded me of Aunty Spider?
But she knew it was without malice. If the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be doing exactly the same thing – looking for what had changed.

Instead of asking, Ryan just said: ‘I'll put the jug on if you want. You can throw your bag in the bedroom.'

‘Okay.' Tessa moved slowly through the house, peering into each room. What she was checking for she wasn't sure – it was not like anything would have moved in the few days she'd been gone. Maybe she was reacquainting herself, trying to get the feel of the house again. And she was stalling: she wanted control of her emotions before she sat down to talk to Ryan.

The shrill sound of the telephone cut through the quiet and made Tessa jump. Two rings, three, four.

Ryan stuck his head out of the kitchen. ‘You going to get that?'

She went to answer it. ‘Who would be ringing me here?'

‘Ah, Mum and Dad, maybe?' Ryan looked at her strangely as she lifted the receiver. ‘Not that unusual to get a phone call out here, you dag!'

‘Hello?'

‘Tessa, it's Brendan.'

A thrill shot through her. Of course! She'd given him Aunty Spider's phone number the weekend they'd met up in Balladonia.

‘Hello! How are you?' She glanced sideways to see if Ryan was still watching, but he'd disappeared back into the kitchen. She was sure he'd be listening, though. He'd be sure to notice the change in her voice from wary to . . . what? Sultry?

Tessa!
She laughed at herself, feeling the black mood begin to lift.

‘Been trying to call you for a few days. Wondered if you'd shot through.'

‘No, not at all! I've been looking after Cally for Harrison, over at their place. He was in Adelaide for a few days.'

‘Right. Well, I'm pleased you haven't gone. I'm heading over your way tomorrow. Can I come and say g'day?'

‘Of course you can. It would be lovely to see you.' She tried to keep the excitement out of her voice. There. A visit from Brendan would banish any unwanted thoughts of older men and their hugs.

‘Righto. See you in the afternoon sometime.'

‘Do you know how to get to Violet's place?'

‘Yep. Been there once or twice. I'll catch you tomorrow.'

‘See you then.' Tessa replaced the receiver, a bubble of nerves in her tummy.

‘Who was that?' Ryan called, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

‘Brendan. He's coming to visit.'

From the kitchen there was only the sound of a spoon hitting something ceramic as it stirred coffee. Then Ryan appeared with two mugs. ‘Here you are.'

‘Thanks.'

Ryan made himself comfortable on the couch. ‘You know, there're a few people around here who would say Brendan's bad news.'

Tessa closed her eyes and held up her hand. ‘Dad has already told me. I'm old enough to make my own mistakes, Ryan. Goodness knows, I've made enough already.'

He talked over the top of her. ‘I haven't made up my mind about him yet. He
seems
okay, but I don't know him well. His family are a bit strange, though.'

Tessa digested this. She nodded to show she'd heard him then changed the subject. ‘I did a bit of research on IVF treatment while I was over with Cally,' she said, handing him the envelope. ‘I hope you don't think I'm interfering. I just want to try to help somehow.'

Tessa watched as Ryan's expression became neutral. She hurried on. ‘There are heaps of forums on the net for people in a similar situation to you guys. Marni might find them good to read, to help her understand she's not alone. One of the things I learned was that couples can feel really isolated, like they're the only ones going through it. I've put the best web addresses in there, along with the name of which doctor I think might be the best. She's got glowing reviews and is based at Hollywood Hospital, up in Perth. They've got a fertility clinic there.'

Ryan looked at the envelope and stuffed it in his back pocket. ‘Thanks,' was all he said.

‘Anyway, it may or may not be of some help.'

‘Thanks.'

They finished their coffee and Ryan headed back out to work. But half an hour later, Tessa noticed Ryan's ute parked a little way down the track under a tree. The glare of white paper reflected in the sunlight. It looked like he was reading the information. She allowed herself a small smile.

Later, she wanted to curl into a ball and sleep forever. The initial excitement of Brendan's impending visit had worn off, as had her pleasure at helping her brother. Once again, all she could hear reverberating in her head was Slim Dusty's voice.

She stomped through the house and went outside. The sun was shining, and even though the day was hot and most of the wildlife was still and silent, the magpies were warbling. Maybe a walk and some fresh air would help.