Simplicissimus (32 page)

That night I thought over how I was going to organise my life in future and decided to stay where I was for the six months and spend the winter, which was rapidly approaching, in peace and quiet. I knew my money would last out, even without breaking into my treasure in Cologne. And in that time, I thought to myself, you’ll have grown to your full strength and can be an even better soldier in the imperial army when the campaigning starts again in the spring.

Early next morning I dissected my saddle, which was much better lined than the one the cornet had taken. Afterwards I took my best horse to the colonel’s quarters and told him that, since I had decided to spend the six months, during which I could not take part in any fighting, in the town under his protection, my horses would be of no use to me. It would be a pity, I went on, to let them get out of condition so I hoped he would be good enough to find room for this soldier’s hack in his own stables and have no scruples in accepting it as a token of gratitude for all he had done for me. The colonel thanked me very civilly, saying if there was anything he could do for me I had only to ask. That afternoon he sent his steward with a well fattened ox, two fat hogs, a cask of wine, four casks of beer and twelve cart-loads of firewood to the new lodgings I had just taken for six months. The steward also brought a message from the colonel that, since I had decided to set up house there, the colonel could well imagine I might initially be short of provisions so he was sending me something to drink as well as a bit of meat and the wood to cook it with as a house-warming present, adding that I was to be sure to tell him if there was anything I needed. I thanked the steward with all due courtesy and handed him two ducats, asking him to give my compliments to his master.

Seeing that my liberality put me so high in the colonel’s favour, I thought it would be worth my while to enhance my reputation with the ordinary men, so they wouldn’t take me for some malingering pauper. Therefore I called my servant to me when my landlord was present and said, ‘Nicholas, you have been more loyal to me than any master has a right to expect, but I don’t know how to repay you for it. At the moment I have no master to serve and no battles to fight in which I might collect some booty to reward you as you deserve. Also, I intend to lead a quiet life in future and not to keep a servant so instead of your pay I hope you will accept my second horse, together with the saddle, harness and pistols, and look for service with another master. If there’s anything I can do for you in future you know you only have to ask.’

He kissed my hands and could hardly speak for tears. He refused to take the horse, saying it was better I should sell it and use the money to pay for my own keep. Finally I persuaded him to accept it after I had promised to take him back if ever I needed a servant again. The landlord found this scene so touching that the tears came to his eyes as well. And just as my servant sang my praises to the soldiers, so did my landlord to the citizens of the town. The commandant thought me so staunch he would have risked his life on my word of honour. Not only had I faithfully kept the oath I had sworn to the emperor, but in order to keep the promise I had made him as strictly as possible I had given up my horse, my arms and my loyal servant.

I think there is no one in the world who does not have a screw loose somewhere or other. We’re all from the same stock, and I can tell from the fruit on my own tree when others’ is ripe. ‘Come off it’, you might say, ‘just because you’re a fool doesn’t mean others are too.’ No, that would be going too far, I agree. But what I do think is that some are better at hiding their foolish side than others. A man is not a fool just because he has some silly ideas – we’ve all had some when we were young – but those who don’t keep them to themselves are considered fools, whereas others conceal them or only let the odd one out. Those who suppress them entirely are real sourpusses. I think people who let their silly notions pop their heads out now and then to take a breath of fresh air, so they don’t suffocate, are much more sensible.

Having so much freedom and money, I let mine have too much latitude. I took on a boy whom I dressed as a page, and in the most foolish colours, namely violet-brown and yellow, which I happened to fancy as my livery. He waited on me as if I were a baron and had not recently been an ordinary dragoon, not to say a poor stable-lad, only six months ago. That was my first piece of foolishness in that town. However, although it was fairly crass, no one noticed, much less criticised it. The world is so full of foolishness that no one takes any notice or laughs at it any more; they are so used to it they’re not even surprised. So I had the reputation of a good and intelligent soldier and not of a fool who needed to grow up.

I arranged with my landlord for full board for myself and my page, giving him the food and fuel I had received from the commandant in part payment. But as far as the drink was concerned, my page had to keep the key, since I liked to give some to people who visited me. I was neither citizen nor soldier and therefore had none of my own kind to keep me company, so I consorted with both sides and had companions enough who visited me daily and whom I did not send away thirsty. Among the citizens I was on closest terms with the organist because I liked music and, without wanting to brag, had an excellent voice which I did not want to allow to get rusty. He taught me composition and how to improve my playing on the clavicembalo and also the harp; I was already a master on the lute, so I bought one of my own and enjoyed playing it every day. When I had had enough of music-making, I sent for the furrier who had taught me how to use all types of swords in the Paradise Convent and practised with him every day in order to perfect my skill. I also obtained permission from the commandant to pay one of his gunners to teach me about artillery and how to use gunpowder. Otherwise I lived a very quiet and withdrawn life. The people were surprised to see me sitting over my books all the time like a student when I had been used to pillaging and bloodshed.

My landlord was the commandant’s informer and my keeper. I realised he was reporting everything I did to him, but I found it easy to accommodate myself to that. I did not give warfare one single thought and when people started talking about it I behaved as if I had never been a soldier and was only there to carry out my daily practice, which I had just remembered. Of course I said I wished my six months would soon be up, but no one could deduce on which side I would serve. Whenever I visited the colonel he kept me to dine with him and he always ended up sounding me out about my intentions. My replies were so circumspect that no one could tell what I had in mind. Once he asked me, ‘How about it Huntsman, have you still not decided to turn Swedish? One of my ensigns died yesterday.’

‘But colonel’, I replied, ‘if it is right for a woman not to remarry immediately after her husband’s death, surely I can wait for six months?’

In that way I managed to avoid committing myself and yet still kept the colonel’s favour, which increased as time went on so that he allowed me to walk around both inside and outside the fortress. I even had permission to hunt hares, partridge and birds, which was forbidden to his own soldiers. I also went fishing in the Lippe and had such luck that it looked as if I could pluck both fish and crayfish out of the water by magic. I had a set of rough hunting clothes made in which I used to wander round the countryside outside Soest at night – I knew every path and track – gathering together the hoards I had hidden away and taking them back to the fortress, where I behaved for all the world as if I were going to stay with the Swedes forever.

While I was out on one of these expeditions I came upon the fortune-teller of Soest who said, ‘See, my son, didn’t I give you some good advice when I told you to hide your money outside the town of Soest? I tell you, being kept prisoner was a great piece of luck for you. If you had come home some of the men, who had sworn to kill you because the young ladies preferred you to them, would have murdered you while you were out hunting.’

‘How can anyone be jealous of me’, I replied. ‘I’m not interested in the ladies?’

‘Let me assure you’, she said, ‘that if you do not stick to that the young women will drive you out of the country in disgrace. You always laughed at me when I foretold things that would happen to you. Will you refuse to believe me this time if I tell you something else? Don’t you find people are better disposed towards you where you are now than in Soest? I swear to you that they have an overpowering affection for you and this affection will harm you if you do not fall in with it.’

I replied that if she knew as much as she claimed she should tell me how my parents were and whether I would ever see them again. And not in such obscure words but in good, plain German. To that she said that I should ask about my parents when I met my foster father unexpectedly leading my wet-nurse’s daughter by a rope. Then she laughed out loud, adding that she had told me more of her own free will than she told others who had begged her. Then I began to make fun of her so she quickly disappeared, though not before I had given her a few thalers, as I had almost more silver on me than I could carry.

At that time I had a good sum of money as well as a lot of valuable rings and jewels. Previously when I heard of soldiers who had precious stones, or came across some on forays or elsewhere, I bought them, often for less than half their value. They seemed to keep shouting at me that they wanted to be seen in public and I was happy to oblige. Being proud I made a show of my wealth and was not afraid to let my landlord see it, and he increased its value when he told people about it. They could not think where I had got it from since it was well known that the treasure I had found had been deposited in Cologne because the cornet had read the agreement with the merchant when he captured me.

My intention to perfect my skills in artillery and fencing during these six months was a good one, as I was well aware. But it was never enough to keep me completely from idleness, which is the root of much evil, especially since I had no one to guide me. I spent a lot of time reading books from which I learnt much that was useful, but I also came across others which did me as much good as grass to a dog. Sidney’s incomparable
Arcadia,
which I read to learn elegance of expression, was the first to draw me from realistic tales to books of love, from true stories to heroic epics. I got hold of this kind of book wherever I could and whenever I found one I devoured it in one go, even if I had to keep reading right through the night. Instead of eloquence, these books taught me how to lure the female sex. At that time, however, this vice did not take such a strong and violent hold over me that you would have called it a ‘divine frenzy’ with Seneca, or described it as a ‘serious illness’, as Tommaso Tomai does in his
Idea del giardino del mondo
. Whenever I took a fancy to a woman I achieved my desires easily and without any great effort, so that I had no cause to bemoan my fate like other lovers who are full of fantastic notions, troubles, desires, secret sufferings, anger, jealousy, vengeance, madness, tears, moans, threats and a thousand similar foolish things and get so impatient they long for death. I had money and was willing to spend it, I had a good voice, too, and constantly practised on all kinds of instruments. I have never been fond of dancing, instead I showed off my slim body when fencing with my furrier. I also had a fine, smooth complexion and had adopted a pleasant manner so that even women I was not particularly taken with would pursue me more than I really wanted, just as Aurora pursued Clitus, Cephalus and Tithonus, Venus Anchises, Attis and Adonis, Ceres Glaucus, Ulysses and Iasion and even the chaste Diana pursued her Endymion.

Martinmas fell at about that time, when we Germans start a bout of gluttony and boozing which some continue until Shrove Tuesday. I was invited by various people, both officers and civilians, to share their Martinmas goose with them, and those were occasions when I made the acquaintance of their women. My lute-playing and singing made them all look my way and then I would accompany the love-songs I had composed myself with such charming glances and gestures that many a pretty young girl lost her head and promptly fell in love with me. And so as not to be thought a skinflint, I also gave two banquets, one for the officers and one for the leading citizens. This kept me in their favour and gained me entry to their houses, since everything I served was of the best. All this was for the sake of those dear young ladies, and even if there were one or two from whom I did not get what I wanted (there were a few who could resist), I still went to see them now and then so as not to bring suspicion on those who granted me more than a respectable girl should, but to make people believe I was visiting them just for the sake of their conversation as well. In fact I managed to persuade them all that was the case with the others, so that each thought she was the only one to enjoy my love.

There were six who loved me, and I loved them all in return, though none had my heart or me to herself. In one I liked her black eyes, in another her golden hair, in the third her sweet manner and in the rest something the others didn’t have. If I still went to visit other girls apart from them it was either for the above-mentioned reason, or for the sake of novelty. In any case, I never rejected an invitation since it was not my intention to stay for ever in the one place. My page, who was a little rascal, was kept busy arranging rendezvous and carrying love-letters back and forth. He knew how to keep his mouth shut and my dissolute ways so secret that nothing came out. For his services he was loaded down with presents by the young hussies, which I eventually paid for since in return I spent a small fortune on them. As the saying goes, what you gain on the roundabouts you lose on the swings. But I managed to keep all these affairs so secret that not one in a hundred would have thought me a libertine, apart from the pastor, from whom I no longer borrowed so many books of devotion.