Since He Really Feels (He Feels) (3 page)

“I’d like to reiterate my email,” he said.

“The part about you getting in touch with me when you are ready?” I asked.

“No, Jules,” he said.
“The part about me moving on. The part about me having found the woman I’m meant to be with. And I need to go salvage that. I’m sorry I can’t stay and talk to you about us, but if you’re the friend that I need, you’ll understand.”

I nodded. It hurt, but it was a pain I deserved. “I understand, Trav. Go get her.”

He pulled me into a quick hug, and then I headed back to the couch to let him get ready for his big night.

On his way out the door, he pointed out the guest room to me, and then he left. I flipped through the television channels for a short time. I couldn’t focus on television, though. My life was falling apart around me, and I wanted to just zone out for the night, but my mind wouldn’t let me do that – especially not in the place where I could smell Travis everywhere I went.

I wandered around the apartment and into the kitchen, glancing around at the familiar items that I knew belonged to Travis. I pulled a cup out of the cabinet and fixed myself a glass of ice water, and then I went down to my car and grabbed my overnight bag. I went back into Trav’s apartment and found the room that would be mine for the night. I wanted things to work out for Travis. I owed him that much after the hell I’d put him through, and I didn’t know how long he’d be out. So once I got my bag, I decided to just settle into the guest room for the night.

Exhaustion hit me pretty quickly, so I washed up for bed and then crawled under the covers, wishing that I knew what the hell I was doing in San Diego and hoping that I’d be able to salvage what I’d done to my relationship with my fiancé.

I checked my texts and was disappointed to find that Nick was still ignoring me. I sent him one more text, hoping for the best.

I love you. You were right; I shouldn’t have come. I’ll be back tomorrow night and I am praying that you will forgive me for being so stupid.

I waited a few minutes, hopeful for a reply. I’d admitted my stupidity, so now the ball was in his court. He could choose to forgive me and we could move forward, or…

I couldn’t let myself think of the “or.” I stood to lose far too much with that “or,” and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

I woke up from a fitful sleep a little over an hour later. I glanced at my phone, disappointed to see that there still wasn’t a reply from Nick, and then I heard the noise again that had woken me. I sat up in bed, trying to identify the noise, and then it clicked in my head. I couldn’t make out the exact sounds, but the thumping noise and the intermittent moaning spoke volumes.

Someone was most definitely having sex in the apartment, and from the sound of it, it was coming from the room where I’d helped Travis pick out his outfit earlier that evening.

Travis had clearly fixed his issues with this new woman, and while I wanted to feel happy for him, sadness and jealousy engulfed me as I listened to him have sex through the wall.

I didn’t want to feel sad. I didn’t want to feel jealous of a girl I still hadn’t met. I wanted to just be happy with Nick. I wanted
everything to be the way it was before Nick had broken it off with me and I’d made the biggest mistake of my life by using my best friend for comfort. Everything had been so easy back then; Nick and I were blissfully happy even though we’d had to keep our relationship a secret, and Travis was still my friend who was nothing more than my friend. I was ignorant to his real feelings for me, and that old saying about ignorance being bliss fully applied.

And now I had all of these conflicting feelings cluttering my mind when I knew what my answer should be. I had to listen to Travis getting lucky through a wall when the dark, disturbing thought that it should have been me entered my mind.

I sat in the darkness of the guest room feeling waves of guilt pour through me.

In that moment, a part of me felt like I was cheating on Nick. It was so, so wrong to even allow the thought into my mind when I was engaged to marry another man that maybe I should have given Travis a chance. 

But there it was.

I lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling as if some answer would be written there when I didn’t even know what my question was.

The next morning, I ran into Dan in the kitchen while I poured myself a cup of coffee. I hadn’t slept at all after I’d heard Travis and his new girl, and I was exhausted and emotional. I heard the two of them leave about an hour after I had first woken up, but just because they were gone didn’t mean I was able to sleep.

I tried calling Nick again sometime after I heard them leave, but he didn’t answer.

I needed to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice, because I knew that his voice would be enough to confirm that he was the right choice. But not hearing from him, being by myself while I listened to Travis with another woman, it was all too much for me to handle. I spent most of the night crying, knowing I deserved every bit of misery that I felt.

If I wasn’t me and if I was an outsider looking in, I would have easily been able to say that I belonged with Nick. We were perfect together, and I knew that I was creating the drama we were facing, but I didn’t know how to make my sudden feelings for Travis just go away – even though he was able to make his supposed lifelong feelings of love for me just disappear with the snap of his fingers.

I’d been scared that karma was going to come bite me in the ass after the way I’d treated Travis, and here it was. I thought karma would take Nick away from me, though. I never thought that karma would force me to be the one to fuck everything up so badly.

“Julianne,” Dan said in surprise when he saw me pouring a cup of coffee. He headed toward me and gave me an awkward hug.

“Hey, Danny,” I smiled.

“What’s going on?” he asked, pulling a cup down from the cabinet. I knew he really wanted to ask what the hell I was doing standing in his kitchen.

“Trav wasn’t answering my calls, so I decided just to come visit.”

Dan nodded like it made perfect sense, but hearing it out of my mouth confirmed what a stupid idea it had been in the first place. He focused on pouring cream into his cup and then coffee on top of his cream. 

“I’m going to head out later this afternoon,” I said. “I was hoping to get the chance to talk to Travis when he gets home from work.”

“He usually gets off around five,” Dan said, raising his cup to his lips and taking a sip.

“Thanks. Do you mind if I hang around here?” I asked.

“Of course not.
Make yourself at home. In fact…” he trailed off and opened a drawer. After fumbling through the drawer for a minute, he handed me a key. “If you need to go anywhere, now you can get back in.” He smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but notice how attractive he was, too. I was surrounded by sexy men, but I definitely had my hands full at the moment.

“Thanks, Dan. I appreciate it.”

He headed off to take a shower and get ready for work, and I sat at the kitchen table and pulled my phone out again. Still no new texts and no new calls. I checked my email, hoping that maybe Nick had wanted to say more to me than he could in a text; but, of course, nothing.

I texted him again.
Please don’t shut me out. I can’t stand not hearing from you.

I waited for him to reply, but nothing came through.

Dan left for work and I wandered around the apartment alone for awhile. I found myself standing in the doorway to Travis’s bedroom. The sheets were a tangled mess, and while I didn’t know what his new woman looked like, I couldn’t help but picture him and her doing whatever it was they were doing the night before. I took a deep, shuddering breath, and all that did was bring Travis’s scent closer to me. I closed my eyes and tried to picture Nick’s face, but all I could see was Travis. I knew I needed to get out of his space, but I couldn’t. Something drew me there. It was creepy and strange, but I couldn’t help myself.

I walked into the room, my legs moving on their own.

CHAPTER 2

NICK MATTHEWS

I can’t think of a single time in my life when I’d been more pissed at a woman. Julianne’s little San Diego stunt was ludicrous. I could come up with not one conceivable reason why it would be acceptable for her to go, yet she did.

I stayed at work late, getting all of her texts but replying to none, and as I sat in traffic on my way to work the morning after she left, another one came through, this one asking me not to shut her out.

She was the one shutting me out.

I listened to the fucking Matchbox Twenty CD she’d left in my car. It was the band’s first CD, and I liked it, but every song reminded me of her in some way. I knew I should just turn it off, but I was drawn to the familiar songs. It was the fifth track
, “Girl Like That,” that I kept replaying over and over, the lyrics in the refrain settling in my brain: “You got to think with a girl like that any love at all is better than nothing.”

I couldn’t get that simple line out of my head, because it totally applied to what was happening in my life. I didn’t have Julianne’s full heart; I’d known that since Travis had approached me to let me know that he’d had the pleasure of fucking my fiancée while we’d been apart. But it was my own stupidity that led to that night between the two of them, so I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. Any love from Julianne was better than nothing, but a man could only take so much before he snapped.

And I was just about at my breaking point.

I was perhaps more stressed than I’d ever been in my life. Moving jobs meant a promotion and a lot more money, but it also came with a lot more responsibility. As Peter Parker
’s grandfather said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, I just quoted
Spiderman
. Actually, that quote originated far before
Spiderman
, but I digress.

My new job meant a position of authority at BKG, which I loved. I thrived on being a leader, but the new position also meant longer hours and a shit ton more work. Apparently that was already affecting my relationship with the woman I planned to marry. I knew I’d been busy, but I hadn’t realized how alone Julianne felt. But, then again, I wasn’t a fucking mind-reader, and I expected my fiancée to communicate with me, not to run off to San Diego to mend a relationship with a man who had essentially run away from his problems. Blaming her decision to go on my work habits was a low blow considering she hadn’t even bothered telling me in the first place that she resented how much I’d been working.

The bigger problem was that I was just starting this new position. It was going to get worse before it was going to get better, but I wasn’t going to communicate that with her over a text message. I missed her the second I walked out the door that morning, but she needed to know what sort of jeopardy she was placing our relationship in before she left. Apparently she hadn’t cared, though, because she went anyway.

The track on the CD switched to number six, “Back to Good.” It was a great song, but the sentiment ate away at me. How could Julianne and I get back to good? How could I get us back on track?

I had to do something, and it had to be big. I had to make Julianne see that the only man who should be in her heart was me. I’d pined away for her for a year before I’d done anything about it, and then I’d almost lost her. I knew what it was like to lose her, and I wasn’t ever going to put myself through that hell again. I’d wait for her, because I knew that there was no other woman I’d ever love like I loved her. I knew I’d forgive her the moment I saw her again, and that damn line from song number five ran through my head again. Having only a part of Julianne was better than nothing, so I’d take what I could get.

I decided to call her. Maybe it was stupid, and maybe I should have just waited until she was
back home, but I needed to hear her voice. I missed her.

I dialed her number while I sat at a stoplight and then I clicked the call button.

It rang six times and went to voicemail.

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Just when I thought I turned a corner, I ran into another goddamn wall.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

CHAPTER 3

JULIANNE BECKER

I recognized all of Travis’s furniture, but it was all in a new place. It was
strange seeing it in San Diego. I guess a part of me figured he’d never move away. Maybe it was because I always imagined he’d live close to me because of our friendship and because of the ties between our families. Little did I know that he’d move at the first sign of trouble.

I gazed at the top of his dresser, where I found a new framed picture. I
stared at the couple in the picture. Travis looked familiar and handsome and happy, and the girl he was with was absolutely beautiful. I didn’t know her, and I knew everyone in Travis’s life.