Single Wide Female: The Bucket List Mega Bundle - 24 Books (Books #1-24) (70 page)

“Anxiety is what prevents us from being who we are.” He began to pace back and forth in front of the flames. The way the light flickered across his features made what he said seem even more dramatic.

“Anxieties haunt us from the time we wake up until the time we go to sleep—and for many of us while we are sleeping as well. We don’t wake up with gratitude for the morning, for the breath in our lungs, for the opportunities we have in our day.

“We wake up thinking about what went wrong the day before or what might go wrong today. We wake up thinking about all we have to do. Before we even stand up, we’re exhausted by the anxieties that plague us. How can we live out dreams if we never escape the nightmare of anxiety?

“Tonight, when you go to sleep, I want you to think about all of the things that you are grateful for—and all of the things that you are proud of yourself for. Think about what your life would be like if you made your choices based on confidence and bravery, rather than fear.

“In the morning, see how you feel. Battling anxiety isn’t something that happens overnight, but overcoming it can make a huge difference in your lives.

“I want to thank all of you for your participation in tonight’s activities. I’m looking forward to spending more time with you tomorrow. Please feel free to enjoy the campground.”

Chapter 7

As David walked away from the fire, my mind raced with everything that he’d said. So much of my decisions in life
were
made out of fear. Although I’d tried so many new things, I had to convince myself each time to take the risk. I always thought about what could go wrong. Before I’d even stepped on the rope earlier that night, I had planned on ending up face-down in the mud. Was I setting myself up for failure on a regular basis?

As I sunk deeper into my thoughts, I didn’t notice the other campers wandering off to do their own thing. I was left alone in front of the fire.

How many years had I let go by without confessing the truth to Max? Was it really because I valued his friendship so much or was it because I was afraid of the change that might occur?

Then there was Blue. We had come so close to meeting, but I’d not pushed it. Why not? He was a wonderful person. I wanted to know him as more than a screen name on my blog. Again, it was easier to leave things as they were than to take a risk.

Although I still didn’t think I would be walking across the coals the next day, I decided to stay. Already David had broken through a few of my barriers. I was interested to see what would come next.

That night as I settled onto a cot in the communal tent, I was a little unnerved. I hadn’t slept around other people in a long time. There was the option to move our cots outside for more privacy, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to get that up close and personal with the bugs.

Instead of fretting over the unusual circumstances, I decided to try what David had suggested. I closed my eyes and started to think of everything I’d accomplished over the past few months. As I thought about all of the adventures I had been on, all of the weight that I’d lost, I could hear the quiet noises of nature all around me.

I thought about the things that David had said. He was a very inspiring speaker. I wasn’t so sure that he was inspirational enough to make me walk across hot coals, but he did make me think about my fears.

I thought I had confronted so many.

I had dealt with my feelings of inadequacy about my body. I still had my moments of low self-esteem but I had given myself the tools to deal with that.

The fears that he had reminded me of went much deeper than that. I think that I had a deeply rooted fear of success. Perhaps that was why I’d always been so content at the laundromat. It was a decent job; it gave me plenty to live on and I liked it. So I stayed. While all of my friends began moving forward in their careers and personal lives, I stayed put. The only real change I’d made was the adventures I’d had from the bucket list.

I hadn’t changed my apartment, my job, or even my relationship status. It was as if I had stuck my toe in the water of change, but pulled back before I could get too wet.

With all these thoughts rolling around in my head I was feeling a strong desire to write. I wanted to get them all down before I forgot them. Everyone at the retreat seemed to be sound asleep. I thought I could easily sneak out and find my computer.

As I crept out of the communal tent, I noticed that there were a few lights set up around the perimeter of the campsite. I imagined that they were there for nighttime wanderers like me.

Instead of heading down the path to the bathroom, I went straight for the supplies tent. I figured that had to be where they stashed the technology they confiscated. That still made me feel a little uneasy. I began to unzip the front flap of the tent. I almost had it open, when I heard a scuffling noise. I turned to see David standing a few feet behind me.

“Samantha, right?” He smiled.

It seemed he was always smiling. I felt as if I’d been nabbed by the principal. It was strange to see a man younger than myself as an authority figure. I shook off the idea quickly.

“Yes.” I waited for him to throw me out of the retreat or lock me up somewhere for my transgression. My mind filled with wild panicked thoughts.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

“I just thought maybe I could get my computer for just a few minutes. You see, I’m a writer and I came on this retreat to get inspired. It seems to be working, and I want to type everything out before I forget it.”

“Don’t you trust yourself?” He frowned.

“Trust myself? What does that have to do with it?”

“Well, you said you need to record it before you forget it. If it is really important to you—if it really made that much of an impact—shouldn’t you trust that by tomorrow afternoon you will still remember it?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I want to take the risk. Is it really that big of a deal to get my computer?” I felt a little impatient.

“No, it’s really not a big deal to get your computer. But I think the big deal is that you don’t trust yourself.” He met my eyes.

I took a slight step back. There was something strange about the way he looked at me. It was not as if it was a magical moment, but I felt very much on display. As if he could find the truth whether I liked it or not.

“I trust myself.”

“I overheard you saying that you wouldn’t even try to do the hot coals tomorrow.” He shrugged. “That’s not a problem. It’s your choice. But it made me wonder why you would make that choice. You seem like a brave and adventurous person. So what would stop you from taking that challenge and breaking through your fear?”

“Well, to be honest, I’m very clumsy.” I laughed a little. “I trip over things that aren’t even there. I really don’t want to end up with my face planted in hot coals.”

“So you don’t trust your mind or your heart to remember what you’ve been inspired by. You don’t trust your body to get you through challenging times in life. What part of yourself do you trust?”

Chapter 8

I stared at David with a mixture of annoyance and admiration. I was annoyed because I still suspected he might be trying to con me into some secret society. But I couldn’t help admiring him for being able to point out something that I’d been avoiding for the longest time.

He was right. I didn’t trust myself. With every new adventure I embarked on, I had to battle a whole slew of self-doubts. Was that what was getting in the way of my writing?

“You might be right, David.”

“I might be.” He smiled. “I might not be. But I know I’ve enjoyed our conversation. Shall I get your computer for you?” He stepped towards the tent.

“No.” I smiled. “I think I’ll wait until after the retreat.”

“It’s your choice.” He winked at me. “I hope you’ll think about giving those hot coals a try tomorrow. I think you’ll find that your body is much more trustworthy than you think.”

“I’ll think about it.” I smiled as he walked away. “No way, not going to happen.” I muttered my words once he was out of earshot.

I did feel more liberated as I walked back to the tent. I didn’t feel the need to get everything down right away. I felt that if the inspiration I was feeling truly did have a real impact on my heart and mind, then I would recall it the next day. That didn’t change my opinion about the hot coals, though. David might be wise, but he had no idea what it was like to be born with two left feet.

I woke up the next morning with a good dose of enthusiasm. I wanted to start the day. It had been a while since I felt that sense of excitement just in waking up. I had to give the retreat a thumbs-up for already having such a good impact on me.

I wasn’t the first one up. Many of the other guests were already roaming around the park.

I was relieved to see that we were not expected to forage for food. There was an assortment of fresh fruit, egg sandwiches, and muffins available to consume. I helped myself to some strawberries and a small banana nut muffin. It wasn’t exactly on my diet plan, but I planned to enjoy it anyways.

As I mingled with the other guests, I noticed that many of them were talking about the last activity of the day—walking across the hot coals.

“I’m looking forward to it.” A man who looked to be in his thirties was talking to Gail. “I want to be the first one to go.”

“Oh, it’s really great. It’s such a high. You feel like nothing can stop you once you get across.” Gail nodded.

I cringed. No matter what I might feel after accomplishing it, I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I knew that David would point that out as setting myself up for failure from the start, but I didn’t care. It was one thing to splash in a puddle of mud. It was quite another to bellyflop onto a pile of hot coals. I shuddered at the thought.

David first took us through some important exercises that had us practicing the hot coal walk and then he had us engaged in small group exercises throughout the day. I stuck with Gail and Henry since they were more experienced with the program. There was one other woman in our group, Shana, who was a first-timer like me.

“For the final exercise before our last activity, I would like you to ask each of your group members about their greatest fear, what their dream is, and what they feel is holding them back. Now, if any of you are not comfortable sharing, that is fine. Don’t feel that you have to. However, the point of this exercise is to be honest with yourself and get your fears out into the open so that you can work on them.”

Each of the members in my group took their turn. When it was my turn, I felt a familiar anxiety about having all of the attention on me. I did my best to ignore it.

“My greatest fear.” I thought to myself. I had many fears. I was afraid that I would never meet my weight loss goal. I was afraid that I would gain more weight back. I was afraid that I would never buy a house or visit another country. But my greatest fear, if I was completely honest with myself, had nothing to do with any of that.

“I guess it would be not having passion in my life.” I lied a little. I didn’t want to be the only sap in the group that admitted my greatest fear was that I might never get that one great love. “My dream is to be a successful writer.” I smiled. “I would really like to do that. I think what’s holding me back is my belief that anything good in life has to be a struggle. I feel like I have to fight for it. Maybe if I could just relax and enjoy the flow of the words, I would be able to write.”

“I used to think that I had to force joy into my life.” Gail laughed a little. “I mean it got to the point that I would get terribly angry at myself for not being happy. It took one of these seminars for me to realize that my being angry for not being happy was never going to get me where I wanted to be. I had to learn to trust that things will fall into place. The more relaxed I am, the more things I find to be happy about.”

“That’s a good point.” I said to Gail. “I think if I just trusted life a little more and its natural balance, I wouldn’t be so anxious about things.”

“Alright, everyone, let’s gather by the campfire for our last activity.” David clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention.

Chapter 9

As we walked toward the hot coals, I thought about what Gail had just said. I assumed that I would trip and fall walking across the hot coals. But maybe if I just trusted life a bit more, I would see that things would work out. I watched a few others rush across the coals. It didn’t seem as difficult as I thought it would be.

“Ready to try, Samantha?” David asked.

“I’ll give it a shot.” I thought maybe someone had answered for me until I realized the words were coming out of my own mouth. I felt a little disconnected from my own body as I walked up to the coals. Was I really going to do this?

“I can do this. I can overcome my fears.” I kept repeating the same words in a whisper. I knew that I probably looked pretty foolish, but no one was teasing me. Everyone was there for the same reason—to find a way to be inspired in life.

I felt very supported as I lifted my foot up off the ground. I pushed all the thoughts of my clumsy mishaps out of my mind. I stopped wondering what Max would think or what Blue would think. Instead, I simply took a step forward.

The moment that the heat hit the tender skin of the sole of my foot, I panicked.

“No!” I shouted the word. “That is not okay!” I jumped backward and nearly stumbled over David, who had stepped up behind me. For just a moment I thought he might have intended to shove me forward.

“Samantha, are you okay?” His brow was furrowed with concern as he looked at me.

“I am now.” I shifted my foot in the cool grass. “Why is that so hot?”

“If you move quickly, you barely feel it.”

I looked over at the good-intentioned man that had volunteered that gem. “Apparently, I don’t move quickly. I happen to like the skin on my foot right where it is—not burned off.”

“It’s okay, Samantha. Not everyone is able to walk across the coals. Some people have more sensitive skin.” David patted my shoulder. “The important thing is that you gave it a shot, and I’m sure that you learned some things about yourself along the way.”