Six Kids and a Stuffed Cat (8 page)

JORDAN

It's puke.

TAYLOR

Nah, it's toe jam.

REGAN

Nope. Limburger cheese.

MASON

You're all wrong: it's goat pee and used cat litter and fresh skunk and rotten chicken.

AVERY

(looks around, does a double-take, and tentatively sniffs the mummy cat. He looks embarrassed and shoves the cat back in the duffel bag)
: Uh, actually it's the stuffed cat.

TAYLOR

Your stuffed cat?

MASON

No, Taylor, the stuffed cat that the builders put in the air vents for good luck and to drive away bad spirits. How many stuffed cats do you imagine we're dealing with here? Today? In this restroom?

TAYLOR

Is that a trick question? Like that Venn diagram thingie you tried to show me? Are there somehow three cats in circles and there's an overlap of the stinky and the non-stinky and the possibly stinky cats I'm supposed to figure out?

JORDAN

One cat, Tay.

TAYLOR

I knew it! I was right! I'm not always wrong, no matter what Mason says.

REGAN

Why does your cat stink like death, Avery?

AVERY

It's not my cat; it's my brother's cat, he's only four. Four-year-olds have stuffed cats. It's perfectly normal. For a four-year-old. But I have no idea why it reeks like this. It doesn't normally smell like vomit.

JORDAN

Apparently, confined spaces combined with the warmth of your head resting on the bag all day adversely altered the chemical compound of whatever the stuffed cat was originally stuffed with, turning it into a rancid stink bomb. There are some extra credit science points in there somewhere if you figure out the hows and the whys of the mystery stench. I'm just saying—you might need some bonus projects to submit, seeing as how you cut class today.

(DEVON switches from air guitar to a combination of air drums and air piano, twisting back in forth slamming the drum heads and pounding the keyboards. DEVON holds up both hands, ring and middle fingers tucked under the thumbs, index and small fingers up in the rock-and-roll sign, twirling in circles and head-banging to a beat no one else can hear. Everyone's head starts nodding in time. Eventually, DEVON moves away from the keyboard and drum kit and starts playing the guitar again, solo over.)

JORDAN

Don't take this the wrong way, but does anyone ever wonder if there's something not quite right with Devon?

REGAN

You mean because of the way Dev doesn't seem to live in the same world as the rest of us?

JORDAN

(nods)
: I love Dev—what's not to love about Dev, right?—and it's not like Devon hasn't been like this since kindergarten and we've all gotten used to things but, you know, looking at the situation with fresh eyes, a person starts to wonder.

MASON

What I wonder is why Devon's even at school this late anyway. Taylor and I were in the library, studying; Regan was at practice and Jordy was in detention because that's where Regan and Jordan always are; and Avery was asleep—but does anyone know why Devon was still roaming the halls playing guitar so long after school was dismissed?

TAYLOR

Devon missed the bus. And I don't mean just today.
(looks at Mason and smirks)
It's a metaphor.

MASON

Spell it. And if you use an
F
, I'll throw my shoe at you.

REGAN

It doesn't take a third-year psych student to figure out Dev's the teeniest, tiniest bit touched in the head, as my great-aunt Blanche would say.

AVERY

We haven't actually spoken—Devon
can
hold a conversation, right?
(everyone shrugs)
But I get the feeling Devon's a good person. I like people who are different.

JORDAN

Then you are in the right middle school restroom with the right five people. Because, not to brag or anything, but you could not have set out to gather together a group of people who are more unhinged than us.

REGAN

Speak for yourself. I am the very definition of the clean-cut all-American scholar-athlete young citizen role model. The fact that I am wickedly good-looking and heart-meltingly charming is a happy bonus.

MASON

(to AVERY)
: Regan took more than one person's share while standing in the self-confidence line.
(REGAN nods, tries to look humble; MASON continues):
My only problem is that I might be too smart to fit in with my peers.

TAYLOR

Mason took more than one person's share while standing in the ego line.
(turning to MASON)
And you spell that
C-O-N-C—E I
-before-
E
-except-after-
C T-E-D
.
(MASON applauds)
The only problem I have is a low tolerance for goofballs. Which, if you ask me, is pretty much everyone in this school.

AVERY

None of you are anything like the kids from my last school.

JORDAN

What was that like?

AVERY

It wasn't a school so much as a—now don't overreact to the word—but
commune
.

JORDAN

You're going to have to do some explaining.

AVERY

Commune
might be the wrong word.
(pauses)
A bunch of parents and their kids lived together as one big family, raising a garden for food and sharing all the responsibilities.

JORDAN

Commune
is the exact right word.

AVERY

We only lived there for a few months. Just to see what it was like. My folks like to try new things.

MASON

Have you tried out any other alternative lifestyles we should know about? Other than that vegan thing you talked about before?

TAYLOR

Like living in a tree house, maybe doing without electricity or prime numbers?

MASON

Taylor, I'm impressed. I don't believe you can actually
name
a prime number, but big props for knowing the phrase. We'll circle back to that concept later.
(MASON and TAYLOR high-five)

REGAN

I could totally live off the land if I had to live in a commune. Hunting, fishing, building shelter.

JORDAN

You could not. You were worried about starving to death during a storm emergency.

REGAN

That's because I was surprised and didn't have time to get all my gear together. Under normal circumstances, I'm known for my preparedness. Gotta be on top of things when you're in as many activities as I am.

JORDAN

I can't believe we haven't voted you CEO of the school yet.

REGAN

Me too! CEO, COO, CFO, and whatever other C-Os there are. I
am
the personification of school spirit in this building.

JORDAN

That's the kind of thing you generally let other people say; announcing it just makes you come off even more obnoxious than you already are.

REGAN

I know. But I don't let things like that get me down. I'm awesome that way. I am the most perfectly well-adjusted person you'll ever meet. Probably because I'm in a ton of activities and have more friends than anyone else.

JORDAN

You say that like they're good things.

REGAN

I say that like it's the secret to life. Which, by the way, it is.

MASON

I think you're wrong, Regan, the secret to life is good grades and enrichment classes and advanced placement and extra credit. For a person like me. But, Jordan, if I were you, I'd listen to what Regan has to say.

REGAN

Thanks, Mason, we'll get back to you in a second. But first, semirhetorical question: Anyone notice that Jordan gets nosebleeds a lot?

JORDAN

(defensive, gingerly touching nose)
: Yeah? So what.

REGAN

I read that bloody noses can be a side effect of nerves.

JORDAN

I'm the least nervous person you'll ever meet, Regan. I'm an extrovert, in case you hadn't noticed. Class clown. Most likely to make people pee from laughing at my jokes.

REGAN

You refused to try out for the school play when I asked you to keep me company at auditions.

JORDAN

I found the play selection derivative and trite.

REGAN

You had a completely bogus excuse for why you couldn't be my partner on the debate team.

JORDAN

What's bogus about the fact that it was a Thursday of a full moon week and my horoscope warned me to avoid oral conflict?

REGAN

You said you didn't have time to devote to being in the big buddy program with me at the elementary school.

JORDAN

That would have entailed afternoon meetings and, as you know, I've got a standing date with the detention hall.

REGAN

You've never tried out for a single team, even though I always invite you to go out for basketball, tennis, track, soccer, lacrosse, and golf when I'm being evaluated for the teams.

JORDAN

What's your point?

REGAN

My point is that I think you might be insecure.

JORDAN

(snorts)
: I'm just not into calling attention to myself. Unlike Devon.
(DEVON is now leading a clap-along, arms overhead, clapping to a steady beat, as if rousing the crowd to get to their feet and join in)

REGAN

Devon commits to the moment.

JORDAN

Yeah, too bad Devon doesn't commit to reality.
(winces, slaps forehead and shakes head in disgust. Everyone nods understandingly.)

REGAN

If I were to bet, I'd say that you secretly wish you were more like Devon. Go on, stand there and look me in the eye and tell me you don't dream of becoming a stand-up comedian. I'd put money on the fact that you practice one-liners in the bathroom mirror and take notes so you'll have funny things to say in conversations, don't you?

(JORDAN shifts uncomfortably, can't think of anything to say.)

AVERY

I think Regan makes a good point about you and Devon: One of you is living the dream; the other one has detention all the time and a lot of bloody noses.
(They turn and study DEVON who is rocking the neck of the guitar up and down, arching back as if in a backbend and then leaning forward in a crouch and prowling across the stage, bent over, knees bent, totally blissed out.)

JORDAN

(sighs and throws up hands in defeat)
: Okay, you got me. Clearly, we should all be more like Devon and Regan.

REGAN

(hands JORDAN a piece of paper)
: Here. You can get over your fear of speaking doing a set at the fundraiser next week. You'll tell jokes for a good cause and overcome your performance anxiety by playing to a crowd bigger than one.

JORDAN

(signs paper and hands it back)
: So, I'm going to join at least one of Regan's extracurricular activities. Good thing it's the one that plays to my skill set: I'll be able to wander around telling random jokes, maybe even doing a few improv skits.
(wheels around as if facing a live audience and points)
: “You! Come up here on the stage next to me. An escaped convict, the grease trap of an Atlantic City casino's kitchen stovetop, and a misunderstanding about a blind date. Now improvise a scene with me using those ideas and . . . GO!”

AVERY

I actually think that sounds kind of amazing. I'll sign up and get involved if you will—probably easier if we have each other's backs. I'll be less likely to doze through another school day if I know someone's got my back around here.

JORDAN

You don't have a little brother, do you?

AVERY

No.

JORDAN

The stuffed cat belongs to you, doesn't it?

AVERY

Yeah. But not the puke smell. I don't know where
that
came from.

REGAN

Backstage. You do not even want to know what happened after the musical last month. Thought we'd cleaned everything up. Guess not.

JORDAN

Now that we all know the stuffed cat belongs to you, are you going to leave him at home?

AVERY

Probably just get a bigger bag.

JORDAN

That's what I figured.

REGAN

I love when stuff works out so I look like the really cool person with all the answers.
(pauses to reflect)
It happens a lot, but it never gets old.

MASON

That's very chummy for you three and, no doubt, in the best interests of the entire school. But Taylor and I have a book report to finish. Taylor, you have one last paragraph to write and then you're done. Then, today, when your mother asks you what you did today, you can say, “Spared Mason from dying of frustration and boredom by finishing my homework assignment.” She'll be so proud.

REGAN

What about you, Mase? What are you going to tell your mom about what you and your friends did today?

MASON

She would never ask that. Because she knows that I don't have friends. I have well-connected contacts. And influential references. And helpful associates. And challenging academic colleagues.

TAYLOR

Nah. That's not all. You have friends.

MASON

Right. You want me to believe that you actually stopped to think about whether or not I have a big enough social circle?

TAYLOR

(clears throat and very carefully recites the following list):
Two, three, five, seven, eleven, thirteen, seventeen, nineteen, and twenty-three.

AVERY

Cool! First Devon tunes out and has a little concert going on in the corner. Then Jordan turns into a human punch-line generator. Now Taylor's become a number-spewing savant. You cannot tell me there isn't something really unique in the air at this school. Even my parents would not believe weirder things could happen.