Sliding On The Edge (25 page)

“
Your mother was a sad
child. Her father abandoned her and her mother when she was only
five. Her mother was sick most of her life, so Jackie didn’t have
much except welfare checks and pity from people around here. We
helped out when we could, but we didn’t have much at that time,
either. Her mother died. She went into foster care. She saw her
chance to get out of Sweet River when she and Nic started dating at
the end of his senior year.”

So now I know the woman I was inside
for nine months and what I was to her—a ticket out of Sweet River.
“He knocked her up, right?”

“
Shawna . . .” Kay puts her
forearms on the table and leans forward. “Yes. She became pregnant,
and Nic wouldn’t abandon her.”

“
So—” I had this great
question, and she didn’t give me a chance to ask it.

“
I didn’t handle it right,
Shawna. I drove Nic out of this house because I was too stupid to
understand what kind of person he was. I helped make your life what
it is. I’m responsible for all of it.”

With lots to say, I opened my
mouth.

Kay puts up a traffic-cop hand.
“Wait!”

Her voice sounds like she’d cry if she
could. I can tell she hated Nic’s going into the army, that she
blames herself for him going.

“
I go over that last
conversation with Nic every night of my life. I would take it all
back, everything I said, if only I could.”

She stops talking for a moment, then
goes on.

“
But—and this is the
important part— because he was the kind of person he was, he would
never abandon you. And that, Shawna, I promise you, is the absolute
truth.”

Chapter 47

Kay

Kay shook her head at
Shawna’s flip answers.
I’m out of pills,
she says. Why can’t she drop the hard crust? Just once, I’d like an
answer that comes without grit.

“
I’m too sick to kill myself
today. Is that good enough?”

“
That’s a dumb answer,
Shawna. I want one that sounds intelligent, all right?”

How can she be so careless
about what she’s done? Kay grabbed her hat.
I’m not going to hear anything near what I want from this
girl.
She turned and walked down the steps,
punishing the boards under her boots.

Who was she mad at? Shawna? Herself?
Monsters that came when you were about to take away the most
precious thing you had? Shawna may not have thought that this
grandmother understood the Monster but, one day . . . she’d tell
her granddaughter how much she knew about him. And she knew a great
deal.

Right now she had some other terrible
business to finish, and Shawna needed time to get acquainted with
her family. Kay’d have to trust that her granddaughter was safe for
the moment.

She made her way to the fence, climbed
over, and walked to Floyd’s shack. Victor’s car was parked in back.
The horses grazed on the dry pasture, and only the black one
stopped to notice her passing.

Not the one I
want
, he seemed to say, before lowering his
head and nipping again at the stubble.

Victor came from the house with a
small cardboard box in his arms. “Afternoon, Kay. I planned to come
over before I left.”

“
I was hoping you could put
me in touch with the new owners, Vic. They may not want to sell me
the property, but maybe they’ll part with the horses, at least the
black one.”

“
They called and said they
couldn’t get down for a couple of weeks and asked if I’d get them a
caretaker until then. I hired Casey, that boy of yours.” Victor set
the box inside his truck and slammed the door.

Kay nodded. “He’ll do a good
job.”

“
Well, I’m done here.
There’s not much inside. Dad never did replace anything more than a
mattress and stove. Didn’t even have a refrigerator. He used an old
camp cooler.” He shook his head. “Can you imagine that?” He took
off his hat and wiped the inside of the brim. When he put it on
again, tears ran the length of his face.

The night his family home burned, he’d
stood next to her, gripping her hand with both of his. She had
pulled him from a sea of flames, and he’d clung to her like a
lifeline.

Kay grabbed him and held him tight.
Once again he was the shaking ten-year-old, unable to stop his
tears.

“
Some events twist around in
us forever. That fire still carves out new edges inside me, and I
can only imagine how it must torture you, Vic.”

He stepped back and took her hands,
much as he had that night, twenty-five years before. “Good-bye,
Kay.”

She watched him leave, heavy with the
secret that even Floyd never knew. Only she and Nic knew the story
of how that fire started.

She’d already turned to leave when
Casey’s truck stopped in almost the same spot that Victor had
parked in moments before.

“
Hear you have another job,”
Kay said when he climbed out of the cab.

“
Yeah, for a couple of
weeks, I guess. I’ll still manage Sundays for you, Mrs.
Stone.”

She smiled. “I know you will.” He was
a reliable worker and a good person to have on the ranch. She liked
his handling of the horses and she’d miss him when he left for
college. “I hear you gave my granddaughter a ride home last
night.”

Casey’s expression didn’t change, but
his eyes shifted toward the ground.

Something
happened
, Kay thought. And she needed to
know what.

“
Guess the sleepover at
Marta’s didn’t go so well?” Maybe Casey’d give her something to go
on, to help her understand what might have pushed Shawna—to do what
she’d almost done.

“
You got it. She stirred
things up a lot . . . at least she did for me.”

“
Hmm. Anything I can do?”
She wanted to dig a little deeper.

“
No, Ma’am.” He studied his
boots. “I’ve got enough women doing things to and for me that I’m
thinking I don’t need any more.” He looked up. “Sorry. I . .
.”

“
No need to say that.” She
walked to the fence. “But if you change your mind and need an older
woman’s help, let me know. And, Casey, when those new owners come,
call me, okay? I’m thinking of buying those horses Floyd sold
them.”

He smiled. “Thought you’d give in and
save those guys.”

“
It’s Shawna who has me
thinking that way.”

“
Yeah. I’d like to know what
she says to the black one, but he’s not telling me anything.” He
waved and went into the barn.

It was time to go back and check on
Shawna. When Kay came up the back steps, Shawna was focused so
intently on the photo album that she didn’t look up when Kay opened
the door.

“
Wonder what my relatives
would say about old Jackie and me?” Shawna closed the book. “Who
cares, anyway?”

“
I do. I’d hope they’d have
good things to say,” Kay said.

“
About Jackie,
too?”

The way she said her mother’s name
reminded Kay of a spike being driven into metal. She sagged into
her chair. “Yes. Even about Jackie.”

Time to tell all, Kay
thought. I need to make it short and true, no hedging. Shawna would
make a hell of a card player, because she watches people when they
say or do anything, and she listens more than she talks. Good thing
too. Her language is already spilling over into mine. I’m
sprinkling hells and damns everywhere, and pretty soon, if I don’t
watch out, I’ll be matching her one for one.

The story wasn’t as hard to tell as
she’d thought. Jackie’s bad childhood. Her bad luck. Her good to
excellent survival instincts that included Nic. There it
was.

“
He knocked her up,
right?”

“
Shawna . . .” What was the
use? “Yes. She became pregnant, and Nic wouldn’t abandon
her.”

The hardest part wasn’t over. Kay had
to tell the truth about her part if she was going to make Shawna
believe the truth about her father.

She wanted to
scream
, it was me! I did it. I pay for it
every day of my life, and every night I relive that moment, and I
can’t ever make it up to you
! But she
didn’t scream. She didn’t use those words. This wasn’t about her.
This was about Shawna and her father, Nic.

“
He went into the service so
he’d have a way to go to college when he got out. He wanted more
than anything to give you a home and a decent life. I spoke to him
just before he shipped out. I . . . was too late to stop him--he’d
already enlisted. But, and this is the important part, because he
was the kind of person he was, he would never abandon you. And
that, Shawna, I promise you, is the absolute truth.”

That night, even Kay’s bones felt
tired. Her arms and legs lay heavy against the sheets. Her head
weighed enough to sink a dinghy. Shawna lay next to her, her breath
steady and deep. She had been alone so long in this bed that Kay
treasured the sound, and if it was possible, she would seal it
inside a bottle to release later and hear again beside
her.

The memories of yesterday
perched in the front of her brain, vivid and haunting. But there
was more, something at the base of her skull that wouldn’t go away,
something that just wouldn’t come forward. She’d sleep and in the
morning—
No, now!

She was back in the kitchen, facing
Nic and Jackie.

Where was Peter? At the window,
silent.

He stared out at the barn, like he had
nothing to do with the conversation. He really wasn’t there;
instead, he was riding on the trail, escaping, and she hadn’t even
picked up on it.

She’d been so angry and scared that
her son was about to make the biggest mistake of his life, she
didn’t even think about Peter. She didn’t question why he remained
silent, then and later.

Sixteen years to pick up on
the fact that Peter was leaving before Nic ever came to you about
Jackie, before he died in Iraq.
Nicholas’
death was the final blow to an already dead relationship. Finally,
Peter couldn’t ignore the corpse of their marriage
anymore.

And I was the smart one in
college!

Chapter 48

Shawna

The next morning when I open my eyes,
I’m staring up at Kenny Fargo, who’s got one of those doctor things
dangling around his neck. “Morning, Missy. Let’s get a listen to
that heart of yours.”

“
I’m not a horse, in case
you haven’t noticed.”

“
Sounds like you’re back to
normal. We’ll have a listen anyway.” He sticks the plugs into his
ears and puts the cold end on my chest. Then he holds my wrist and
looks at his watch. “Yep. You’ll live. Guess I won’t have to take
my black suit to the cleaners after all.”

“
I’d laugh if you’d say
something funny.”

“
I’d laugh if you’d do
something besides scare the bejibbers out of your grandmother. You
try something like that again, I’ll wallop you back to Vegas
myself.”

I’d like to punch him in the nose.
“Don’t I have a right to die if I want to? It’s my life, damn
it!”

“
No, you don’t have the
right. Fact is, the law says we can put you someplace where you’ll
get your own personal shrink and a nice little room where you’ll be
safe—even from yourself. Did you know that, Missy?”

I don’t see Kay until she’s at the
foot of the bed. “Actually, Shawna, if we involve the authorities,
Dr. Lubell tells me we’ll have tons of legal problems.”

She sits on the bed. “Your mother is
still your legal guardian. She has the final say about where you go
or don’t go, unless I try to gain custody. That’s what I meant
yesterday, about decisions we both have to make.”

“
You two don’t need old doc
anymore.” Kenny snaps his bag shut and picks it up. “I’m going back
to the barn where my patients are more congenial.” Then he leaves
us alone.

“
I’m calling your mother
this morning. What do you want me to say about all
this?”

I shrug.

“
I thought we’d passed the
shrugging stage in our communication. Haven’t we?”

“
Don’t tell her anything,
okay?”

“
I’m going to ask her to
sign over legal guardianship to me. Do you agree on
this?”

I study my lap.

“
If you don’t agree, I won’t
ask her. But then, even Dr. Lubell won’t see us again. I . . .
didn’t quite tell her or the school the truth about
everything.”

I look up at Kay. “What truth are you
talking about?”

“
I said I was your legal
guardian. It was easier to lie than to explain, but that was my
mistake.”

I gasp and she looks at me, confused
for a moment.

“
It was you,” I
say.

“
I don’t
understand.”

“
You underlined all that
stuff Mark Twain said in that book. ‘
I
would rather tell seven lies than make one
explanation’
.” From her expression, I know
I’m right. She poured over
Pity is for the
living, envy for the dead
. I study her, and
try to see past the creases at her mouth and eyes, past the face
I’ve come to know as Kay Stone, my grandmother.