SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (18 page)

Personal ads in swingers’ magazines.
These work somewhat better. Although most readers will still (of course) be men, women sometimes read them. Unfortunately, almost all will already be solidly coupled, and most others will be sex workers, but a few (a very, very few) will be single.

You may hear from married couples who feel curious about SM and want to try it. If so, remember that when meeting a single man, the usual practice is to meet both her and him. Her husband or boyfriend will often insist on being present. (She also will often insist on this. After all, who knows what kind of lunatic
you
are?)

Some men will only want to remain in the house or apartment while you and she go into the bedroom. Some will want to watch. Many are voyeurs who get off by seeing their lady have sex with another guy. Others want to learn by observing. Some are impotent. Some are not. (It’s often unwise to ask the guy questions about these points. If they wish to volunteer some information, fine. Otherwise, don’t pry.)

Some guys will want to photograph, tape-record, or videotape the session. It’s up to you. Ethical swingers understand the need for discretion. They therefore discuss and agree upon in advance any arrangements for making permanent records. Pulling out a camera without prior agreement is serious misconduct (and may start a brawl).

Some guys will want to both observe and participate. You might want to discuss specifics. Please note that although bisexual women are common in the swing community, bisexual men are rare.

Being a woman and into SM is like getting to be prom queen when you’re a grownup.

Also, the swing community seems widely split regarding AIDS precautions. One group has adopted safer sex, the other group seems to believe “there is nothing to worry about” and is continuing as before. I’d suggest you avoid doing anything you’ll worry about the next morning.

One note: Sometimes people swing even though they dislike it (or even hate it) in order to please their lover. This is usually the woman doing it to please her man. If you feel she is doing this only to please her lover, and that she personally hates it, please stop the session. Stop it as politely as possible - maybe even lie a little, fake an upset stomach - but stop. Remember, it’s wrong to cause or aid in causing genuine suffering, even if the other party consents.

Advertising in swingers’ magazines has a better chance of finding you a real partner (a genuine female, with no money involved) than the sex magazines, but she probably will already be happily, solidly coupled.

Personal ads in singles’ papers.
Ads in these types of publications have a fair chance of working well. Just remember that most people who place and answer ads in these papers don’t want sex partners. They want a relationship.

Many singles’ publications prohibit explicit sexual references. They also prohibit graphic references to SM, so you must express yourself discreetly. A few “code phrases” that sometimes appear include “yielding fantasies,” “sinister,” “amazon,” “erotic power,” “Roissy,” and “9½ Weeks.”

Very few SM-experienced women read these ads when seeking a new partner. Most such women find their new partners through the clubs they belong to and through their SM friends. However, if you aim your ad at the woman who has little or no experience, but has SM
fantasies,
you may get lucky. Many, many women have SM fantasies but no idea of where to find a suitable partner. If you present yourself as a safe, considerate fantasy exploration partner, the odds are reasonable that you will receive a small but adequate number of responses.

There are a few conventions to finding and meeting people through singles’ ads:

First, there are typically many more ads from men than women - usually about two to three times as many. (If there are more than three times as many ads from men as women, I doubt many women read the publication.) Don’t despair about this if you are a man. Key point: Many more women are willing to answer ads than they are to place them.

If you advertise in a singles’ magazine, the women who write will typically send you a brief note along with their telephone number. They only rarely send photos, but may send a photocopy of one.

If you get one sincere inquiry a month from a woman who understands the ad’s reference to SM, with a five percent chance of compatibility, then you should find someone within two years. In the “SM dating” world, meeting someone suitable every two years is batting fairly well.

Finding a partner on your own. Let’s go over a few other options about how to meet people.

First, understand that
anything
which promotes social interaction is likely to succeed eventually. Some people are lucky in this respect because their work brings them into contact with new people.

I want to be the best slave you ever had.

In many respects, finding someone is largely a numbers game. It’s all a matter of probabilities. If you just keep on meeting new people, it’s almost inevitable that eventually you will meet someone with whom you spark.

You may worry about your attractiveness. I think that everybody, and I mean
everybody,
has a built-in degree of attractiveness. No matter how good-looking or how ugly you consider yourself, keep in mind that whether you’re attractive is something largely decided by others. There will always be people who consider you attractive, and always people who consider you unattractive. Still, you can stack the odds in your favor.

Look in the mirror. Any obvious, correctable flaws? How’s your fitness level? Teeth? Clothing? How’s the haircut? You get the idea. How about your social skills? Have trouble talking with someone at a party? Consider taking a class in conversational skills. In general, shape yourself up. Making yourself basically presentable takes little time or money.

OK, so you’re spruced up. Where do you go? The single most important thing to keep is mind is to go
somewhere.
You are
not
going to meet someone if you stay at home. Get out of that house! Go somewhere at least once a week.

Singles’ events.
Advantages: Those who attend will be single - and interested in a relationship. Everybody knows why people attend.

Disadvantages: The atmosphere at these events is sometimes self-conscious and strained. However, the people in charge of these events are often experts at “breaking the ice.” I’ve attended such events. Some were dull, others lively. Another disadvantage: Again, more men than women attend. It’s usually not completely lopsided, but a two-to-one, or three-to-one, ratio is not unknown.

I want to be kidnapped.

Comment: The people who attend are not usually looking for someone to take home and to bed that night. (Let alone an SM partner!) The evening’s basic goal is to exchange phone numbers. Those who make these initial contacts then get in touch later to schedule a more conventional date.

(Keep in mind, chum, that even in this liberated era, many women are still just simply not going to call a man, even though they have his number and are free to do so. A few will but, if you wait for her to call you, the overwhelming probability is that you will never hear from her again. Call her.)

Another convention of these singles rituals is that refusals for further contact are accepted nicely and never protested. That sometimes means having to accept an occasional “unreasonable” refusal, but that’s the way it is. If she doesn’t want you to see or call her again, that’s it. Case closed. Throw away her number and all other traces of her. The best you can do is to tell her that if she changes her mind she is welcome to call you in the future (which may greatly impress her and motivate her to, someday, do just that).

All in all, I’m not too great a fan of singles’ events. They have worked well for some people, but I, in general, will only attend one if I see no better opportunities.

An exception.
There is one type of singles event that I recommend. Events that cover such things as where and how to meet people, communications skills such as assertiveness and body language, and relationship skills tend to be worthwhile. While you may or may not meet someone at these events, you will learn how to meet someone, establish communication, and build a relationship. I have attended such events, and always felt doing so was worthwhile. These singles events are worth going out of your way to attend.

Essential point: Nothing nothing nothing is more important in starting or maintaining a relationship (romantic or otherwise) than good communication skills. If attending an event improves your communication skill as little as one percent, it was time and money well spent.

Singles’ bars.
Bars are the generic singles scene in many areas. Again, more men than women attend. Also, women usually attend in groups, making it difficult to approach them. Additionally, these places tend to be frequented by yuppie-types. If you’re a supermarket stock clerk and drive a pickup, you probably won’t feel comfortable here.

Note: some guys specialize in prowling bars. These “bar sharks” dress and act in a way calculated to fit in at such a bar. It’s hard to compete directly with them, but their “hard core” style is obvious and turns off many women. You may have a chance with a woman who doesn’t like bar sharks.

Women who come to these bars often feel defensive. They fear the men only want to take them home, screw them, and never again have anything to do with them. Their fear is often 100% justified, so be nice.

Be careful about how much you drink. You don’t want to get arrested for drunken driving (or killed in a crash) on the way home. Keep in mind that getting a woman so drunk or stoned that she’s incapable of consent and then being sexual with her is rape. Also keep in mind that taking home an intoxicated woman you just met for SM-type sex equals begging for a disaster to happen.

I took one look at him and I knew he was my Master.

The most you should expect from an evening in a bar is getting a phone number. Call her to set up a more “respectable” date. Among other things, each of you will get to see the other without soft lighting, background music, and “social lubricant.”

I’m not too fond of or hopeful about going to bars, but it may be reasonable, especially if there’s nothing better going on, including a singles’ event.

Dating services.
These might help, but they can be expensive and (as you probably guessed) have more male than female clients. Slender women under 40 are particularly rare.

One comment: most dating services won’t let you make any kind of overt reference to SM.

So where are all the women?
By now you probably feel discouraged. It seems that at every turn the number of men always exceeds the number of women. What’s going on? The number of women in this country is slightly greater than the number of men. Therefore, there are more single women than there are single men. Where
are
they?

The simple answer is that most women are just simply never going to go anywhere near a sexual event or singles’ event. Most are never going to place or answer a personal ad. Most are not going to have anything to do with a dating service, etc., etc., etc.

Okay, okay, you answer. So what
do
they do? Where
do
they go?

Mistress, I’ll do anything you want.

Well, like most of us, they either work or go to school. They spend time with their family. They have a circle of friends. They meet new people through the natural turnover in their lives. Therefore, the best place for you to meet new people is in the natural turnover in your life. Be open to striking up a conversation with a woman you feel attracted to. This can be at work, on a bus, at the supermarket, wherever.

Some good events might include: parties, discussions, communications skills workshops (usually more women than men attend), political work, adult education classes, and so forth. Church groups often offer these. (
Big
hint here, many women who would never attend any other sort of “singles” event will attend an “entirely respectable” church social.) Also check resources such as Parents Without Partners, the PTA, softball leagues, and similar opportunities.

Women Looking For Men

In a way, the advice for women seeking men is almost the opposite of that for men seeking women. Due to the heavy imbalance of men making inquiries, a woman is
much
more likely to succeed in finding a compatible man than a man is in finding a woman at an SM club.

However, keep in mind that women have the same basic problem men have: The fact that a man’s interest in SM harmonizes with yours is no guarantee you will otherwise be compatible.

To put this in perspective, compare SM to other interests. You and another person may both like bowling, dancing, or going to museums, but those shared interests don’t guarantee personal compatibility. True, it’s a start, and a good one, but that’s all.

We all know that a relationship based only on sex is unlikely to last. SM is an even narrower base, and thus even less likely to endure.

If you contact an SM club, take a few precautions.

1. Get a P.O. box or private, confidential mailing address and have your mail sent there.

Most clubs stringently protect their members’ identities (many do not require them to use their true name), but unethical breaches sometimes occur. You don’t want some moron showing up at your front door. Get a P.O. box.

I want to take a moment to tell you that most clubs go out of their way to be considerate and helpful to prospective women members. Also, because of the oversupply of male members, you are more likely to find men interested in you despite your age, weight, or other “flaws.” I have very mixed emotions about the implications of that last sentence, but it is true.

I will also point out, somewhat against my better judgment, that there are many men out there willing to marry a woman amenable to playing SM. Some of these men are wealthy and considerate.