SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (20 page)

My Mistress couldn’t be here today. She’s home pruning the roses.

For example, a man having intercourse with a woman in the missionary position might try holding her hands on the bed over her head. A heterosexual woman wanting to be dominant might sit on top of her partner and holds his hands above his head. You also might see how they respond to having their nipples lightly but firmly pinched, or having their toes licked. If you are the active partner while doing it “dog style,” you might pull their hands behind their back and hold them there. Perhaps give their buttocks a few light, but noticeable, spanks.

Don’t do anything suddenly or with great force. This is not formally negotiated play, so keep it mild and somewhat mainstream. Go slowly. Don’t do anything too long or too intensely. You don’t want your partner to object - or, really, even to notice.

Also, stop if they’re accepting it but not clearly enjoying it. They may be tolerating it only to please you. Acceptance does not equal enjoyment. Play SM only with those who enjoy it.

If you’re looking for a dominant, you can also ask your partner to do things to you. Notice their reaction (and yours). Perhaps ask them to sit on the edge of the bed while you kneel at their feet and use your mouth on their feet and genitals. You might say, “Just tell me what you’d like me to do. I want to please you.” You also might place their hands on your head, especially your face.

Avoid ropes, whips, and other toys during this time. It helps preserve “deniability” if your partner has a strong negative reaction.

When discussing more formal play, remember that more people are willing to try being dominant than are willing to try being submissive. They are more likely to consent if you offer to be the one who gets tied up, spanked, and so forth. (Remember to use all safety precautions. A well-meaning novice can be dangerous, and they are always unpredictable.)

Many people are more willing to experiment with SM than they used to be, but many others (two out of three) still find it unattractive. Take your time, go slowly — especially at first, and find out how they react before you become deeply involved.

Limited submissive roles.
If your partner wants you to be submissive, but you feel doubtful, you might try the following “limited submissive” roles.

Note: Play that is this formal definitely needs to be negotiated beforehand.

I wish he wouldn’t be so fucking nice to me all the time. He’s really considerate when we play, always asking me if it hurts too much or if I’d like more, and I just hate that!

Role #1: Light dominance, no bondage, no pain.
In this role, you assume a submissive attitude. You obey orders, perform tasks for your dominant, and generally make yourself available and subservient, especially sexually.

You would kneel on command, kiss and lick your dominant’s feet if ordered, and stay in a desired position until given permission to move. You might agree to go naked or to wear a costume your dominant wanted you to wear, and perhaps wear a collar. You also would agree to call your dominant “Master,” “Mistress,” or some similar term, and you might be called “slave” or something comparable. With adequate pre-session negotiations and your silent alarm in place, this could be a good first session.

Role #2: Light dominance, light pain, no bondage.
In this role you would agree, besides assuming a submissive role, to experiment with light pain. Although the definition of “light pain” varies, a bare-hand spanking or clothespins on your nipples would be where many dominants would start.

I probably would start with the spanking. Spanking’s skin-to-skin contact makes it more personal than clothespins are. Also, spanking can be done softly at first, with the pain spaced out over time and mixed with pleasure.

However, nipple clamps also may work well. Clamping a submissive’s nipples and giving them head until they come is a time-honored method of introducing SM.

Role #3:
Light dominance, light bondage, no pain. This might be a good way to try SM with someone you already know well. Again, the definition of “light bondage” is somewhat arbitrary. You might begin by allowing your partner to tie your hands behind your back, but nothing more. (Note: there is nothing “only” about allowing your hands to be tied behind your back if you doubt the other person’s trustworthiness.) This degree ofbondage leaves your legs free, avoids a blindfold or gag, and, especially, avoids tying you to something such as a bed or chair.

Many players think bondage should begin by tying the submissive staked out to the four corners of the bed. I strongly disagree. This is
much
too vulnerable a position during the first sessions, especially for a novice or when playing with a new partner. Let your partner tie only your hands at first. If that goes well, there’s always next time.

People dominate in the way that they would like to submit.

If these sessions (and their pre-session negotiations, and their post-session feedback) go well, further sessions can usually mix and expand on the bondage, pain, and domination experienced so far. Once I’ve had three good sessions with someone, the probability of more good sessions with them is high. On the other hand, serious problems usually surface during the first three sessions,
particularly
the first session.

This is a slower “schedule” than many people want, but it’s considerate from the novice’s perspective - especially the novice submissive. If you have SM fantasies or experience, you may feel impatient with this pace and want to “get right into it.” Please remember that if your partner is an “SM virgin,” this is new, strange, and probably frightening (even if they’re the dominant).

At this point, they’re probably doing this to please you, not to please themselves. Appreciate their considerateness, and be grateful. Remember, you almost never get in trouble by going too slowly.

Also, it’s smart to give them time to get used to this. You are
much
more likely to cultivate a compatible, enthusiastic partner if you take your time. Many promising partners get scared off by being pressed for too much, too soon. On the other hand, I have never lost a promising partner, or gotten in trouble, by taking a slow pace. Give it time. Doing so is far better for both them and you.

Bondage 1A

Bondage is a general term for physical restraint. It refers to restricting the submissive’s movements by applying rope, leather cuffs, tape, handcuffs, and similar materials.

“Psychological bondage” refers to stringent obedience by the submissive, usually holding a specific position even if doing that becomes difficult. Locking a submissive in a cage, or using armlocks to restrain them, is not usually considered bondage.

Because of the bound person’s extreme vulnerability, players must establish trust and understanding beforehand.

If you are considering taking the submissive role, understand that SM (just like kitchen knives and the fimily car) has strong abuse potential. Also understand that the person with the greatest ability to prevent your being abused, perhaps even - God forbid! - murdered, is
you.
One major way you prevent this horror is by being very cautious about who ties you up, and under what circumstances, and how.

Once you’re bound, you’re at that other person’s mercy. If they’re crazy, drunk, stoned, a psychopath, or enraged, your life is in danger. Never let yourself be tied up if you don’t feel absolutely safe.
Never make exceptions.

I’m completely at home being blindfolded and bound.

Conversely, as a dominant, you should accept a submissive’s refusal to allow you to bind them - at least for that session. Do not overly coax, argue, persuade, or otherwise try to change their mind. Instead, reassure the submissive that you accept their decision, and move on to something else. Perhaps offer to let them tie you up. (Tactical tip: If you let them bind you, they are more likely to let you bind them during your next session.)

Attention, submissives: Get suspicious if a dominant strongly continues trying to persuade you to accept being bound after you have clearly refused. If this person acts so disrespectfully now, how will they treat you once you’re bound?

To be gracious, try to avoid giving the dominant a flat refusal. Propose an alternative. You might, for example, offer to stay in any position they order, or you might offer to submit to what they planned to do after they bound you. Accommodate them if you can, but if a little voice inside you is saying don’t let this person tie you up,
listen to that voice.

Just because you know someone well, and are even perhaps married to them, does not mean you should allow them to bind you. I know married couples whose relationship deteriorated to where it became unsafe for them to play SM with each other.

Even if you have let your lover tie you up dozens, even hundreds, of times before, and that has always gone well, it does not automatically mean you should let them bind you again. Each decision to permit or not to permit them to tie you up (and thus put yourself at their mercy) is a separate one. Consider it carefully.

If you’re not sure, you might want to proceed after setting up a silent alarm. You might also want to wait until another person is around - preferably a trustworthy, discreet person who cares about both of you and feels positive about SM. This person may or may not, depending on what you negotiate ahead of time, participate in the session. A fourth possibility is playing at an SM party. A fifth is renting dungeon space from an SM professional.

She was in no particular hurry to untie me.

Some Basic Bondage Principles

1. It is never necessary to tie any body part so tightly that it begins to tingle or “goes to sleep.”

2. No bondage involving the front of the neck.

3. Never (and never means never) tie somebody up and then leave them alone. Always stay as dose to a bound person as you would to an infant in your care. If you gag them, stay even closer. Be especially careful about any doors between you and the submissive - I know of at least two cases in which a dominant carelessly allowed a door to lock behind them, making it very difficult for them to get back to their submissive quickly.

4. Bondage should be secure. Neither the submissive nor the dominant should doubt that the submissive would find it impossible, or at least extremely difficult and time-consuming, to escape without help. Keep in mind that rope bondage often loosens slightly with time.

5. Both parties should make sure that some emergency “quick release” method is available. This release should take less than 60 seconds, and preferably less than 30. Usually, this will mean that a pair of paramedic scissors is immediately available and that emergency lighting (both flashlights and blackout lights) are also immediately available.

6. Watch out for dragging. Avoid dragging rope across skin during tying or untying. Such dragging hurts in a very unerotic way. Don’t do it unless you specifically want your submissive to experience that particular sensation. If you must do something like that (say you’re passing one rope under another), put your finger between the rope and the submissive’s skin. Note: Some dominants use very smooth rope and make a point of dragging this rope slowly across the submissive’s skin as a sensual experience.

Some dominants consider it slightly impertinent for a submissive to examine their bondage closely, but other dominants encourage it. This latter group wants their submissive to understand how securely they’re bound.

Types of Rope

Good bondage rope tends to be soft and flexible, with a slight outer roughness to hold knots. It’s neither too thick nor too thin, neither too rough nor too smooth. Rope that’s too thin cuts into flesh. Rope that’s too thick is cumbersome and difficult to knot. Rope that’s too rough abrades skin. Rope that’s too smooth often won’t hold a knot.

Recommended thickness for general use:

Very smooth rope, particularly nylon rope, is flexible and soft but holds a knot poorly. (Braided nylon may work well.)

Rough rope, such as sisal rope, chafes the submissive’s skin. I know one professional Mistress who uses it for exactly that reason, but she only uses it on experienced masochists who don’t mind (or even like) abrasions or other marks. She stocks smoother rope for her other clients.

For ordinary bondage, I recommend standard pure cotton clothesline. (100% pure cotton only; no plastic or wire cores.) It’s the right size, the right texture, readily available, easily cleaned, and cheap.

Some bondage fans like the “tubular webbing” popular with back-packers, campers, and climbers. Such material works well, lasts forever, and is very strong. It’s easily cleanable and comes in a delightful variety of colors. It also can be applied flat on the skin, and that reduces rope marks. Tubular webbing is excellent bondage rope. It’s also, however, harder to find and much more expensive than ordinary clothesline.