SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (47 page)

Some dominants want little or no touching from their submissives. Others want a lot. All benefit from considering before playing with a particular submissive how much touching, and of what type, they want from them — and then examining their feelings afterward to see how they feel about the decision they made.

I only dominate men, and only submit to women.

The Collar

Of all pieces of SM equipment, the one with the deepest psychological implications is probably the collar. The collar is an instrument of ownership and control. Therefore, even if the submissive is otherwise completely free, wearing a collar may have intense effects on them. Permitting another person to collar you can be a deeply significant act.

The collar is the primary emblem of submissiveness. Dominants essentially never wear them; submissives often do. Some magazines, in an attempt to create an SM-like atmosphere, put collars on their “dominant” women — thus revealing their ignorance.

I once saw a collar on a dominant woman at an SM party. When I asked her about it, she seemed a bit flustered. She then insisted that it was a “dominant collar” because it had no D-rings or other attachment points on it. I grinned and kept quiet. She certainly didn’t convince me, and I doubt she convinced herself. The next time I saw her at a party, she wore no collar. I didn’t say anything to her about it, but I did smile.

I can just hear some of my more dominant readers yelling, “A dominant can wear any damn thing they want!” Technically, that is, of course, entirely true. Still, the collar is an emblem of submission.

Most SM collars are made of leather; a few are made of metal. Some players use improvised “hasty” collars made of rope or similar binding material wrapped and knotted around the submissive’s neck, but most use actual collars.

Inexpensive collars can be purchased at pet shops and variety stores. Trying them on your submissive while still in the store can be great fun if you’re into freaking out the other customers and the staff. Be careful, though. Don’t go too far.

Collars have also become popular item in stores catering to punk, goth, and other alternative culture fans. Finally, SM stores and mail-order catalogs sell collars.

I firmly believe that a collar should have one essential characteristic:
it should lock.
Non-locking collars that can be removed by the submissive at a whim do not, to my way of thinking, qualify as real slave collars. Some people disagree with me on this point. That’s all right. They can go on being wrong if they wish. I’ll just point out that, based on experience, I’ve had a personal motto for several years: “Beware of the submissive whose collar doesn’t lock.”

Also, remember what I said about how the entire chemistry of the session is altered, usually for the worse, if the submissive believes they can escape from their bondage any time they wish? A non-locking collar is much the same. Being locked into a collar, even if it’s one you could cut off, can be a very intense experience.

(I know of one submissive woman, by the way, who symbolized ending her relationship with her master by destroying her collar.)

I think it’s best when only the dominant places the collar around the submissive’s neck, and only the dominant removes it. While some dominants, as a point of control, order their submissives to collar and uncollar themselves (and they are within their rights to order this), it usually seems to “feel righter” if the dominant collars and uncollars the submissive.

My Master is a wimp!

A collar should be slightly loose — generally loose enough for the dominant to grab in their fist. A too-tight collar is difficult to wear for any length of time. Among other problems of wearing a too-tight collar, it can limit the submissive’s ability to perform oral sex, especially fellatio — and we can’t have that.

A submissive can sleep in their collar. It can be a powerful experience to be allowed to sleep with your dominant in their bed, drifting off to sleep while you caress the collar they locked around your neck. The dreams can be incredible.

The collar should be of strong, durable material. The submissive must not feel it is made of such flimsy material that they can simply break it off. I once saw a submissive woman who, when locked into a collar for the first time, grabbed its lock and tried with all her (considerable) strength to break it. A long, all-out pull made it creak a bit, but left it intact. Thus she knew herself collared. This sent her into a deeply submissive state.

I recommend that a dominant have a relatively plain training collar. (Or perhaps two, for when special company drops in.) This can be an inexpensive dog collar, and used during “basic training.” If the submissive satisfactorily completes such training, and the two decide to enter an ongoing relationship, the dominant might then present the submissive with a more expensive, perhaps custom fitted, collar. This may be given at a special ceremony, perhaps with guests invited.

While some people can wear a collar lightly, others are deeply moved by it. To kneel at another person’s feet while naked, feeling and smelling the leather they locked around your neck, can be deeply moving. Sometimes submissives “dissolve” into their role. On the other hand, being collared may cause feelings of resistance or anger to surface, or the submissive may feel overwhelmed by shame or fear. If the submissive becomes too emotionally unstable to continue the session, one way of helping them to regain their balance is to remove the collar.

The more I top, the better bottom I am, and the more I bottom, the better top I am.

Be careful about attaching the submissive’s collar to anything over their heads, such as an eye-bolt. If they were to faint, fall, or trip, you could have a life-threatening situation on your hands. The collar is usually left free-standing, although a hand-held leash can be attached.

With a little thought about where you’re going and who you might encounter, the collar can be worn in public. Doing so can lead to people starting interesting conversations with you, and perhaps allow you to meet kindred spirits.

Finally, submissives may grow deeply attached to their collar, and to the state of mind that it represents. It is not at all rare for submissives to not want to be uncollared. Some will even genuinely beg the dominant to leave the collar on.

Basic Position Training

Training fundamentals include teaching the submissive to assume different positions upon command. Fortunately, certain positions of the body, arms, and legs frequently recur, and so “shorthand” commands can be taught, thus simplifying matters.

It takes considerable time, attention, and care to train a submissive. A dominant should do this only when they expect to get something worthwhile in return, such as the ongoing, devoted obedience of a pleasing submissive. (Submissives should understand that it’s a privilege to be trained by a skilled dominant, and feel appropriately grateful.)

The basic body positions, and the commands associated with them, are described below. The following commands are one (and, please note, only one) example of how such training might proceed. They may be used as described, or modified to satisfy a particular dominant.

A wise dominant will spend considerable time in these positions before ordering a submissive to assume them. The dominant can do this on their own, in private, so they need not fear that their “purity” has been compromised. The value of the empathy and insights that result from such experience far outweigh its discomfort.

Note: Submissives should acknowledge their commands, usually by saying, “Yes, Master,” “Yes, Mistress,” or some similar term, as they obey.

Keeping things in perspective. In general, the submissive should not be physically above the dominant, unless avoiding this would be excessively inconvenient. For example, if the dominant is sitting in a chair and the submissive approaches it, they should not stand close to the chair, towering over their dominant. Rather, they should bend down as the approach and kneel by the chair. When they leave, they reverse this process. With training and practice, the submissive can learn to do this beautifully and smoothly.

I hate it when you make me stop being submissive.

The submissive should also generally avoid crawling over the top of their dominant while the two of them are lying down together, such as when in bed, unless doing so is necessary to serve.

Command: “Kneel!” This is the basic command. Essentially every dominant orders their submissive to kneel to them.

A good basic kneeling position can be adopted from the martial arts. In the basic position, the submissive kneels with their buttocks resting on their heels; their knees are two fist-widths apart. Their back is straight and their pelvis tilted slightly forward. Their head is held erect except for the very top of the spine, which is bowed slightly forward. The submissive’s gaze is slightly downcast — about 30 degrees below the midline — and straight ahead. Their hands are placed palm-down on the top-middle of the thighs. The insides of their big toes are lightly touching. Their fingers and thumb are lightly pressed together (this is called “focusing”), and the fingertips directed straight down their leg toward their kneecaps. Their elbows are held close to the sides, but not rigidly squeezed against them.

The entire position is relaxed, yet poised. Nothing is rigidly tense, yet the submissive is alert, focused, and ready.

The submissive may also be ordered into this position by the command “On your knees!”; or the command “Kneel down!”; or by snapping the fingers; or by a hand signal such as pointing the finger toward the place where you want them to kneel.

This is the basic submissive position, similar to the “attention” position of military close-order drill. Both the dominant and the submissive will make sure the submissive becomes expert at assuming it.

Command: Adjust right!
Unfortunately, the “kneel” position often interferes with circulation to the lower legs. Many submissives feel their toes, feet, and calves begin to tingle, then go numb, after a relatively short time — sometimes only a few minutes.

Numbness should be avoided, so many dominants allow their submissives to adjust their position slightly if necessary to relieve that. Usually the submissive may adjust on an as-needed basis, without requesting permission to move, provided moving does not interfere with the submissive’s duties.

Note: I train my submissives to tell me immediately whenever a part of their body begins to feel numb. This notification must be given early, preferably when the submissive first notices it.

To assume the “adjust right” position, the submissive places their right hand directly on the ground about 18 inches to the side. The fingers and thumb remain lightly pressed together and pointed straight ahead. The elbow is straight, but not rigidly locked.

The submissive then gracefully shifts their body so their right buttock rests on the ground. Shifting into this position should relieve numbness or tingling in the submissive’s legs within five minutes. When the submissive’s legs again feel normal, they should return to the “kneel” position.

“Adjust left” is simply the mirror-image of the “adjust right” position, moved into and out of in the same way, for the same reasons.

The submissive should understand that the “adjust” positions are provided for their benefit. Being allowed to assume them is a privilege granted out of the dominant’s graciousness and concern. A good submissive appreciates that, and assumes them neither longer nor more often than necessary.

I usually let my submissives choose freely between the “adjust-right” and “adjust-left” positions.

Note: The human body was not designed to kneel for long lengths of time. The submissive’s skin is compressed between their bones and the floor. If both surfaces are hard, then considerable pain, in addition to the other problems associated with kneeling, results. Therefore, a considerate dominant avoids ordering their submissive to kneel on a hard surface, such as linoleum, hardwood, or concrete, for any significant length of time. A soft, clean carpet often makes an excellent training surface.

Command: “Kneel up!”
In this position, the submissive is “standing” on their knees. The knees remain two fist-widths apart and the big toes still lightly touch. The fingers and thumb still lightly press together in the frontcenter of the thigh, but they rise slightly as the submissive moves from the “kneel” position. Their back remains straight and their eyes remain slightly lowered and straight ahead.

The greater the demands in my outside life, the likelier I am to feel submissive sexually.

This is a useful position to order your submissive to assume when you wish to collar or bind them. It also will probably, if you are standing directly in front of them, place their mouth at about the same height as your genitals.

A submissive whose hands are tied behind their back, or otherwise restrained, often finds it difficult or impossible to move from “kneel” into “adjust left” or “adjust right” and back again. Some can learn this with practice, but others — because of their build — find such moving impossible. They will fall in a dangerous way if they try. One alternative in dealing with this problem is for the dominant to “spot” the submissive as they move, stabilizing them and catching them if they begin to lose their balance.

Note: Some bound submissives can maintain an “adjust” position on their own once the dominant helps them into it; others cannot. Also, some submissives need help moving from “kneel” into “adjust” but can move back into “kneel” on their own; others cannot.

On the other hand, most submissives, even with their hands tied, can move easily between “kneel” and “kneel up” without needing help. A compassionate dominant allows their submissive to move between these positions as needed.

Note: Submissives vary in how long they can maintain any kneeling position. A fit, healthy submissive may be able to spend hours on their knees without problems. On the other hand, a submissive with a bad back, bad knees, or some other problem may only be able to kneel for minutes at a time. A few cannot kneel at all.