SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (50 page)

While I probably won’t live long enough to see it, I would like for there someday to be some form of legal recognition and standing for these relationships.

It’s an interesting feeling to know that your girlfriend and your slave are getting together for lunch.

“24/7” Relationships

From time to time, people decide that they want to enter an ongoing SM relationship in which they will spend most or all of their time in role. These are sometimes described as “24/7” relationships, meaning the people are in role 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I want to take a moment to discuss the broader aspects of such a relationship and its similarities to, and differences from, a more conventional relationship. There are a few characteristics found in almost all these relationships.

1. Both parties recognize that such a relationship exists.

2. Both parties agree to put time and effort into maintaining that relationship.

3. The SM energy always goes in only one direction. That is, one person is always dominant and the other is always submissive. (That means that only one person controls what is going on. It is entirely valid, for example, for the dominant to order their submissive to tie them up and torture them. The behavior is not the issue. The issue is who is controlling what happens.)

It helps keep both dominant and submissive clear about who is supposed to do what, when, where, and how if a written agreement is made regarding the arrangement. Such agreements are sometimes called “slave contracts” and can range from brief and general to lengthy and detailed. Signing such a contract is sometimes done as part of a ceremony, with guests invited.

Ethics. I want to discuss the ethics of establishing such a relationship. I have read “field manuals” on interrogation and/or techniques. These manuals disturb me quite a bit. The first thing that disturbs me is that they describe nonconsensually inflicted torture techniques. Many of these methods would cause permanent, severe damage in an agonizing way. Obviously, they have no place whatsoever in what we do during SM erotic play. Second, they describe methods of breaking down resistance by sleep deprivation and other methods.

I firmly believe it is absolutely unethical for someone to try to “brainwash” another person into accepting a submissive role. If somebody does not have a natural inclination and interest in this direction, I oppose attempts to establish them. I’m also certain that such attempts will fail. As soon as the pressure is let up, the “submissive” will begin to revert to normal. The “dominant” must therefore keep up an ongoing effort to maintain the relationship, thus imprisoning themselves as much as the submissive. All of this is
much
more trouble than it’s worth.

Accordingly, an ethical dominant gives their submissive every chance to refuse to go further, and does nothing to make the submissive unfairly dependent on them. (This has many facets, too many and too diverse to go into at length here, but I will say that
financial
independence is often a good place to start. Asubmissive should have their own bank account, and a source of income adequate to support them.)

Kneel!

If a person does not seem erotically submissive, a wise dominant will not waste time and effort futilely trying to make them so. Instead, they will move on and find another person who is erotically submissive. If they go about this in a reasonably intelligent manner, such a search will not take all that long.

Can inequality and intimacy co-exist? All human beings have a built-in need for contact with their peers. People in positions of power or control over others understand well that “it’s lonely at the top.” Factory managers like to talk to other factory managers, infantry company commanders like to talk to other infantry company commanders, mothers like to talk to other mothers, and so forth.

While it’s satisfying to talk to “workplace peers,” it’s also satisfying to talk to intimate peers. A husband and a wife, or other committed romantic partners, are presumably such intimate peers. However, if two people have structured their relationship so that on a very fundamental level they are not peers, how can they obtain peer intimacy?

The commonest solution to this problem is for the couple to evolve a pattern of behavior in which they are in role some of the time, and relating as intimate peers at other times. The main difference between a 24/7 relationship and a more conventional dominant-submissive relationship usually seems to be the fluidity with which the partners move in and out of role: often, a simple change of demeanor or tone of voice on the dominant’s part signals that they have just “picked up the reins” and are now relating, not as a peer, but as an owner, and the submissive must comply.

However, some people’s desire to be dominant or submissive all the time is so strong that this arrangement does not satisfy them. In my experience, a desire this strong is very unusual, particularly among mentally healthy people. Few people can maintain a dominant or submissive role all the time. These are consciously assumed roles, much like those assumed by actors, and require effort to maintain. After a while, maintaining that effort may become tiring, even exhausting. Continued too far, it leads to burnout. This is true even if both parties consent and find the roles highly enjoyable. The two of you may go into role for prolonged periods of time, but ultimately most people feel the need to come out of those roles and relate on more equal, intimate terms.

Most people want and need personal intimacy. This intimacy
must be
between two equals, without roles or conditions. Furthermore, this intimacy must be freely and willingly given. You cannot demand intimacy or manipulate another person into giving it to you and have it remain satisfying to receive. You cannot demand this anymore than you can demand to be loved, and it is this loving intimacy between equals that is the essence and lifeblood of most romantic relationships.

No highly structured dominant/submissive relationship, and no exotic sexual activity, can ever replace or substitute for a mutually loving, intimate relationship. Some lucky people are both SM-compatible and personally compatible. They are very fortunate indeed.

Non-traditional partnerships.
If you and your partner are in a 24/7 relationship, or even if you are simply in a relationship that, for one reason or another, does not include legal marriage, you need to give some serious thought to what will happen if one of you dies or is incapacitated.

I recently attended a memorial service for an acquaintance of mine who had been in a 24/7, owner/slave relationship with a lovely and very submissive lady. There was a dramatic moment when the woman stood up and introduced herself to the other guests, including her deceased owner’s mother and co-workers, as his slave. (I believe this announcement was a surprise to veryfew people.)

There is no legal standing for such a relationship. Therefore, she had no claim on his estate. While her friends in the SM community stepped forward to make sure that she would be taken care of, she was just plain lucky in this regard. Many people do not have anything like this level of support if their non-traditional partner dies.

Janet and I took a long look at this matter a while ago. We wanted to give our relationship a little more substance, and so we had a “ceremony of commitment.” While it was a wonderful ceremony, it had no legal standing and did not change the status of our relationship. After a little investigating, we found out that there were some steps we could take, short of getting married. We learned that there were three basic things that we could do.

1. We could each have a will drawn up.

2. We could each have drawn up what’s called (in California, anyway) a “durable power of attorney for health care” that would designate a specific person, and a back-up person, to make decisions regarding our health care if we could not. (Janet gets to pull the plug on me.)

3. We could each have drawn up what’s called (again, in California) a “general durable power of attorney” that would designate a given person, and a back-up person, to make decisions regarding our finances and business affairs. Such a person could sign checks on our bank accounts and so forth.

After checking various sources for such documents, including forms sold in office supply stores and forms suggested by an attorney, we were particularly impressed by the information and forms in the Nolo Press book called “The Legal Guide for Gay and Lesbian Couples.” Everything was clear and easy to understand, and the forms were far more complete than the ones from the attorney or the office supply stores. (By the way, Nolo Press puts out a whole line of self-help law books; see the Bibliography for contact information.)

Have you ever been whipped while you were getting your cock sucked?

At an “SM and the Law” panel that was put on by three attorneys at a leather conference I attended, all three recommended that, in addition to the documents recommended above, you prepare a “hospital visitation list” specifying which people you want to be allowed to visit you in the hospital (and also which people you
don’t
want to be allowed to visit you). I’d personally suggest that you have such a list notarized.

I have seen a number of “living wills” that specify which procedures someone does or does not want to have performed on them in the case of a condition that leaves them unable to speak competently for themselves. The only problem I have with the ones I’ve seen is that these are often put forth as “no heroic measures” documents when, in fact, many of the procedures described as “heroic” in the document, such as defibrillation and tube feeding, are in fact quite routine and ordinary. I strongly suggest that, if you sign such a living will, you first go over it in some detail with a medically informed person. Your personal physician would, of course, be a priority in this respect. However, if they don’t have the time to explain each procedure to the extent you need to have it explained, you might also seek out another health professional. The stakes here are high, so it’s crucial to have a clear understanding of what you’re agreeing to have done, or not done, to you. Again, please make sure your personal physician, and others dose to you, understand what you do and don’t want done, and that these are
informed
decisions on your part.

Finally, there’s the matter of organ donation to consider, and to discuss with those close to you.

I should point out that requirements vary regarding what it takes to make a will, a durable power of attorney for health care, a general durable power of attorney, and the other documents legally valid, and that these requirements also vary from state to state. It would, of course, be an excellent idea to check with an attorney
knowledgeable in these specific matters
(many just whip out their “boiler-plate” forms, and the forms I saw left me distinctly unimpressed).

These documents should be kept in a place where they can be accessed with little difficulty in the event of an emergency. Therefore, someplace like a safe deposit box may not be a good choice.

SM Organizations

There are many good reasons to participate in a community of like-minded SM people. Most importantly, you can obtain context and perspective — a framework in which to place the new knowledge you’re acquiring. You can also learn new techniques, talk over issues that might be bothering you, share your triumphs and heartbreaks, protect yourself and others against possibly dangerous play partners, pool your resources for purchasing and donations, learn about available resources and events, and maybe even meet the dominant, submissive, or switch of your dreams — not to mention having a lot of fun.

Some of you reading this are already members of one or more SM communities, and can attest to the many rewards (and occasional frustrations) that are part of participating. But, because this is an introductory book, I will assume that the reader is not already part of such a community. So I want to talk a bit in this chapter about how to find your local SM community if it already exists, and what to do if it doesn’t.

I’ve been thinking a lot about bottoming to you.

Finding Your Local Community

Let’s assume that you’ve done some thinking about SM, and some exploring either on your own or with your regular partner, and you now feel ready to contact your local community. How do you go about finding it?

Maybe you already know someone who is in contact with it. For example, if you have visited a professional dominant, she might know how to contact the local community. If you don’t already know someone, here’s a good approach for finding your local community.

Step one: Check your phone book. I would suggest that you start with your telephone book Open up to the yellow pages and look under the following categories:

a. Lingerie dealers, retail. This should give you the names, addresses, and phone numbers of your local erotic boutiques. Pay special attention to the stores that also sell videos, literature, playtoys, and adult items.

b. Leather apparel, retail. This should give you the names, addresses, and phone numbers of stores that sell leather gear. Some of these stores may have an obvious SM-type slant.

c. Books: Check this section for the names of avant-garde and/or nontraditional bookstores, gay and lesbian bookstores, and adult bookstores. It’s also worth noting that some mainstream bookstores may have worthwhile books in their “health” or “sexuality” sections.

d. Video tapes and disks, sales and rentals: This will also give you the addresses of places that sell books and magazines as well as videos.

Step two: visit local stores.
Once you’ve spent some time gleaning what information you can from your phone book, it’s time to do a little cruising around your town. Visit as many of these stores as you can. Walk in. Look around. See what’s there. Look to see if they have a community bulletin board that may contain interesting and relevant announcements. You might ask the staff is they know of any local men-only, women-only, or mixed-gender SM organizations. (It wouldn’t hurt to do this as you’re making a small purchase.)