SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (52 page)

But let’s say you are in a position to start an organization. You’ve got a little time on your hands, being “outed” would not totally destroy your life, and, most important, you
really
want to be a part of an SM community. Now is the time to sit down with a pad and pencil, and do some thinking. Before you recruit your first member, you’re going to have to make some very fundamental decisions.

The most important thing a group leader can have is a dear vision of what they want the group to become. If they have this clear vision, nearly all important decisions almost make themselves. If they lack this clear vision, the club will lack a sense of direction, and numerous troubles will emerge. With this understanding, let’s explore some matters that will help clarify your vision of how you want your organization to be. Consider the classic journalist’s questions: who, what, when, where, why, and how.

- Who? Who will run your organization? Will it be an individual (e.g., you), a couple (probably you and your partner), or a committee (you and some friends)? In my experience, most organizations, at least in the beginning, are spearheaded by the vision and drive of one person. Although others may coalesce around that person to help with the grunt-work of running things, the initial pioneering work has a way of coming down to one dedicated individual.

What? What will your organization be called? (I suggest you choose a name that is not obviously SM-oriented, particularly if you’re trying to maintain a low profile. Many of the large national clubs, including The Eulenspiegel Society, Society of Janus, Chicagoland Discussion Group, and Threshold have chosen this option.)

I’ve learned that when a guy says ‘Mistress, I’ll do anything you want, what he means is “Mistress, I want to eat your pussy.”

Will your organization be for men only, for women only, for couples, for bisexuals, for heterosexuals — or will it be pansexual, i.e., for all genders and orientations? (Note: if you’re going to have restrictions regarding gender, you may eventually need to establish definitions for “man” and “woman.” In particular, your group will have to decide how to regard pre-operative and post-operative transsexuals.)

What kind of people will your organization attract? While you may not want to turn away people who are older, younger, richer, poorer, “wilder” or “tamer” than you, keep in mind this basic reality: like attracts like. Many of your subsequent decisions, including your recruitment strategy, will depend on the answer to this question.

What will be the minimum age for attendance at your organization? (For most organizations, the answer to this question is either 18 or 21.)

- Where? How wide a region will your organization include? And where will it meet — in a private home, in rented space, in public space like a park, in a restaurant or bar, on a college campus?

- When? How frequently will your organization meet? At what time of day? Will you meet on the same day each time, or will you rotate days?

- Why? What will be the purpose of your organization? Will it be a commercial enterprise or a noncommercial organization?

What kind of events will your organization have? Will it have purely “talk-only” socials (probably the safest type of events to give), will it have programs and workshops, will it have parties?

Will your organization be for all styles of SM play, or will you focus on one style only? (There are organizations exclusively for male-top/ female-bottom play and organizations for female-top/male-bottom play. There are also organizations for specialized playstyles such as spanking, fisting, fetishism, age play, and water sports.)

How? How will your meetings be conducted? Who will have authority to do what? (Many SM organizations have foundered on this particular rock, so be careful to set things up explicitly from the beginning.) It usually works well to have one ultimate “captain of the ship” who has final decision-making authority on virtually all points. This individual is also often known as “s/he who takes the blame” and/or as “that arrogant shithead.”

Once you’ve made these decisions, you have yet another decision to make: you’ll need to decide exactly how high a profile you want your new organization to have. If your organization is a commercial enterprise, if you live in a relatively liberal urban area, and/or if you’re already pretty much “out” as an SM person, you may want to maintain a fairly high profile. On the other hand, if you live in a conservative area, if you don’t have a lot of experience in running organizations, or if you have a lot to lose by being “outed,” I’d suggest you opt for starting out in a low-profile manner.

I’ll turn you into a sadist yet.

The high-profile option. If you choose this route, you will probably advertise your new organization pretty widely, and do relatively little screening of members or attendees. It’s worth keeping in mind that the more open to the public your organization is, the greater effort you will have to make to keep things physically and emotionally safe for your members. This is doubly true if alcohol is served at any of your events. (I’ve attended SM events that were so large, and where attendance was so unscreened, that the organizers went so far as to hire armed guards.)

Advertising options include ads in your local newspaper(s). The local daily will reach a wider audience, but if your region has one or more of the free “lifestyle” tabloids which usually come out weekly or biweekly, and which feature (usually liberal) political commentary, restaurant and theater reviews, and personal ads, those are often a very good place to reach likely people. The Internet, any regional adult papers that cover your area, and your local adult computer bulletin boards are also excellent venues for high-profile publicity about your new organization.

You might consider printing up flyers announcing the formation of your organization, describing its structure and intent, and inviting people to join you. These flyers can be posted on bulletin boards in leather stores, coffee houses, bookstores (especially gay/lesbian and alternative bookstores), lingerie shops and erotic boutiques, and dubs and bars which cater to the type of people you’re trying to attract.

It’s worth keeping in mind that just because
you’re
willing to maintain ahigh profile doesn’t mean your potential members are. Many people cannot afford to be publicly associated with any kind of SM group. Have your meetings in a place where people can come and go discreetly, without having to walk through a door labeled “Mistress Bitch’s Dungeon.” And be sure to emphasize to all attendees that they are to keep the identities of their compatriots, and the activities of the organization, confidential. (Breaching the rules of confidentiality is grounds for expulsion from many SM organizations.)

The low-profile option. This can be a little trickier, but is the more widely used approach, and the one I’d recommend. As I write this, a good friend of mine is starting a noncommercial SM club in a small city in a very conservative part of the country. She is running a small risk to herself by doing this (she is, among other things, a parent). Her deeper concern, though, is the confidentiality and safety of her members; it’s far from out of the question that attendees could be subject to harassment or even attack by frat boys, rednecks, religious conservatives, doctrinaire “feminists,” or police officers.

So for her, and for anybody who wants their organization to maintain a low profile, the strategy is quite different. In some more populated parts of the country, one option might be to accept new members by referral only. If you can’t do that, it’s particularly important to build a reasonably high barrier between yourself and people who are interested but unscreened, and to screen potential attendees carefully.

In making the following advice, I’m going to assume that you intend to start a small, discreet, noncommercial SM club, and that you live in an area where many people would be hostile to that idea. I’m therefore going to describe how to take an extremely cautious, conservative approach to creating your organization. If the area you live in is not so hostile, you can “ease up” as you feel appropriate.

Initial recruiting. Keep in mind what I call the 90-9-1 rule: of every 100 people you encounter in building your organization, 90 of them will be basically stable and sincere, nine will be genuinely interested in SM but too unstable to work out well in the organization, and one will be malicious, outright crazy, and/or dangerous. Your job is to screen in the 90 people (at a manageable rate) while screening out the nine and assiduously avoiding the one — not always an easy task.

If I were starting a low-profile organization (which I have done), the very first thing I’d do would be to get a P.O. box. Then I’d get a voice mail number, and possibly an anonymous e-mail address with a friendly carrier. (It’s important to note that, while all three of these venues are confidentiality-conscious, there’s no such thing as perfect privacy. Once again, if you really can’t afford to be outed, you probably shouldn’t be starting an organization.) While you’re doing this, write up a single-sheet informational handout about what kind of organization you’re trying to start. This doesn’t have to be fancy; a neatly typed and photocopied information sheet will work fine.

A good next step might be to place a small, discreet ad in the classified section of your local paper. If you have a local adult newspaper, you
might
want to consider an ad there as well. How you word this ad may depend on the policies of that particular paper, and you may have to do a little wordsmithing before you get the wording to a point where they’re willing to accept it. (If they won’t accept any form of wording, find a different paper.) The phrase “erotic power exchange” is fairly well understood and isn’t too threatening. Some papers may be willing to accept a phrase like “bondage and related practices.” One friend of mine ran an ad seeking people “to discuss the works of Pauline Reage, Pat Califia, Anne Rice, and Jay Wiseman” (blush).

Let me know when you’re about to take that clamp off my clit.

If you live within hailing distance of a city that does have an SM club, a very good bet would be to place an ad in that club’s newsletter, looking for people in your area. After all, guess where
they’re
looking for
you?

Tell people to respond to the ad by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to your mailbox, by leaving a message at your voice mail number, and/or by sending you an e-mail message. If they send a SASE, respond with the informational handout, and a note directing them to call the voice mail leaving their phone number if they’re interested. If they e-mail you, you can send back the text of the informational handout, and direct them to send back a phone number if they’d like to be contacted. It’s a very good idea to ask them to tell you what time of day is good to reach them, and whether or not it’s OK to leave messages on their answering machine or voice mail.

In these times of caller ID and “star-69” technologies, I strongly recommend that you call them from a pay phone, or have a second separate phone line installed for this task - just keep in mind that it may ring a lot. Tell them a bit about your organization and let them know that you’re thinking of having an informal get-together in a couple of months. During this call, it’s important to appear as solid, responsible, and ethical as you can (remember, they’re subject to the 90-9-1 rule too - how do they know what kind of a nut
you
might be?). Don’t press them for a great deal of information; usually a first name and phone number is plenty. Also, don’t ask questions like “Are you a cop?” Such questions can be considered “consciousness of guilt,” and you’re not doing anything wrong. Also, it’s very well established that police officers conducting an investigation can deny that they are police officers.

If they seem basically OK — and
trust your instincts
on this — you can set up a time to meet them in a public place like a restaurant or coffee house. If your potential members have presented themselves to you as a couple, both members of the couple must show up for this meeting. If possible, it’s best that single men get screened by men and that single women get screened by women; opposite-sex couples can be screened by either gender or by a couple. (And behave yourself — propositioning the candidates is very bad form.)

How will you recognize them, or they recognize you? (The one who makes themselves “recognizable” is at greater risk; you’ll have to decide which of you that should be.) It often works for the recognizable party to carry a significant newspaper, book, or similar item; if they arrive first, they can leave it in a visible spot on their table.

Spend half an hour to an hour with them, partly to learn a bit more about their interests, but more importantly to get their “vibe.” A bit of discreet questioning about their interests and level of experience is OK, but there is no need for either side to go into or to request graphic details. At the end of the meeting, tell them you’ll be in touch with them if the group does indeed become a reality. If you feel they’ll be an asset to your group, you should get in touch with them a couple of weeks before your first meeting.

Could you scratch my nose, please?

Gender balance. If your organization has a significant heterosexual component, you are very likely, sooner or later, to come up against a problem: you will almost certainly receive much more interest from single men than from single women. This, unfortunately, is a problem that can worsen rapidly. If there are many more men at an event than there are women, the men may well become increasingly competitive and predatory, scaring away the few women who did attend. Horror stories abound: I’ve attended several SM events with a 5:1 male/female ratio, and one — nominally pansexual — which got so bad that eventually it was attended
only
by single heterosexual men.