SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (55 page)

Still, as in any other part of life, emergencies sometimes occur. They may be completely unrelated to the SM play. For example, people with heart disease, epilepsy, high blood pressure, and other medical conditions sometimes develop problems during a session.

If you decide to play, especially in the submissive role, do so only after carefully considering the risks and benefits. If you avoid high-risk activities, such as choking or playing with electricity, then ordinary safety measures should suffice. Let’s review those.

First, you should not study safety issues without a frame of reference. Every aspect of SM has its safety considerations.

Second, your number-one safety measure is to play only with people you know well and with whom you are on good terms. Playing with a stranger, with someone you are not on good terms with, or with someone stoned, upset, tired, or drunk
drastically
increases the risk.

Third, set up safewords, discuss health matters, define limits, and otherwise fully negotiate the session
before
beginning it.
Rushed
or
sloppy pre-session negotiations are probably the most common cause of a bad session
. (See the negotiation section in “Basic Basics. »)

Many SM players state that they feel limited by what they perceive as excessive concern regarding safety issues. (Indeed, the first edition of this book was criticized for its “OSHA-like” approach to SM.) While these people have a point, I would like to mention another perspective: safety as enabler. When I am about to play, particularly when I am about to do a session that I know will be more intense than I normally do, and double-particularly if I am intending to be in the submissive role, I find it very reassuring to know that all reasonable safety precautions have been taken. If I know that the environment has been made as safe as it can be under the circumstances, and if I know that my dominant is both trained and equipped to take care of me if something goes badly wrong (which it occasionally does), I relax and am much more likely to “go for it” than I otherwise would. I find I can relax and concentrate on what’s going on, rather than worry myself with “what-if” concerns. Thus, proper attention to safety concerns actually enables my play, rather than restricting it.

What About Leaving Marks?

This is a problem area. Spanking, whipping, clamping, pinching, and other practices can all leave bruises, welts, and other marks. You’ve heard of a pain threshold. There is also something you can think of as a “bruise threshold.” Some people can take outrageously intense floggings and barely show a welt the next day. Others can have marks that last for weeks left by only a very light whipping.

It is a bottom’s prerogative to admire their marks.

Unfortunately, it’s often difficult to determine how much force will leave a mark until you’ve already gone far enough to create one. If marking the submissive would cause a problem, you’re in trouble.

There’s also the pesky matter that sometimes marks don’t appear for up to a day after the session. This can lead to a rather intense “morning after.” I once, at an SM party, used a new, narrow-tipped, riding crop on my lady. (My regular riding crop has a tip nearly three times broader.) We had a great time, and her skin looked clear afterward, but when we woke up the next day she looked like her skin had been painted in some unusual type of camouflage. It bore many, many large, colorful bruises that lasted for well over a week. She felt fine about the situation, and even thought it was a bit funny. I, on the other hand, felt distinctly like a heel - thus adding even more to her amusement. We were both just flat-out lucky in this situation.

It’s very important to discuss leaving marks during pre-session negotiations. If marks are absolutely not acceptable, your play needs to be significantly altered.

If you are playing with a new submissive who cannot be marked, you might start by asking them if they bruise easily. Most people have some idea. What SM play have they done in the past that did or didn’t leave marks? What other types of activities?

Look at their skin. Light, pale skin will show bruises more readily than darker skin will show them. Older people will bruise more easily than younger people. Women seem to bruise more easily than men, especially when near their period. There is some anecdotal evidence that people who feel tense or nervous bruise more easily than relaxed people.

Find out if the submissive is taking any anti-clotting drugs. Such drugs can dramatically increase the amount of bruising caused by play. Aspirin is such a drug, by the way. (Indeed, I’ve even heard of some submissives taking aspirin two to three hours before a session because they wanted marks on them afterward - the little perverts.) Does the submissive have any blood or blood vessel diseases - including diabetes?

Go ahead. Do it. It’s all right. Whip me.

If marks must definitely be avoided, much of your play is limited. Keep the following principles in mind.

1. The narrower the flagellation instrument, the more likely it is to mark (and, by the way, the quieter it is). To give an extreme example, an almost-silent coat hanger is much more likely to mark than a broad, flat, noisy paddle.

2. The more times you strike a particular area, the morelikelyyou are to markit-particularly if you strike that area with a series of strokes.

3. The “harder” the tissue underneath the skin, the more likely a stroke there is to mark. The upper thighs, for example, with their underlying muscles, are more likely to mark than the buttocks.

4. Bondage should use broad, flat restraining methods such as leather cuffs as opposed to hard, narrow restraints such as handcuffs.

5. Play that has a low probability of leaving marks includes sensory deprivation (this intensifies what sensations the submissive does feel), extensive and/or uncomfortable bondage, hot/cold play, anal play, electricity, and verbal games. For more hints, see the “Related Practices” section of this book.

6. As a “don’t mark me” submissive, you might want to avoid playing with a blindfold. Wearing a blindfold could prevent your seeing that marks are starting to appear. You also might ask that mirrors be placed so that you can see the body area the dominant is playing with.

7. Tightly bound body parts bruise
much
more readily than unbound body parts. Keep this in mind when striking or clamping bound breasts, genitals, and so forth. (And remember that a cock ring is, in its own way, a form of bondage.)

8. If a bruise does start to appear, immediately elevating the area and applying a cold pack directly to the involved tissue will reduce but probably not entirely eliminate the amount of bruising. (Don’t apply ice directly to skin, and leave it on for only about 15 minutes at a time. You don’t want to cause frostbite.)

After I’ve had a really heavy whipping I alwags feel strong, powerful, and centered.

As a footnote, I’ve heard that taking an antihistamine two to three hours before a session may reduce the amount of bruising. This sounds rational to me, but I haven’t tried it myself and it’s not a practice in wide use within the community, so don’t consider this highly reliable information.

I’ve also had it reported to me (but haven’t yet had a chance to confirm) that ultrasound treatment can make bruises go away quickly. Other people speak highly of oral or topical arnica (available in health food stores) or bruise plasters (available at oriental herbalists) as ways to help heal bruises fast.

Remember that a hot shower, sauna, hot tub, or similar exposure can bring non-visible bruises and other marks “to the surface” up to several days after a session. On the other hand, taking a cold shower shortly after a session may help prevent marks from appearing.

Creams that cover bruises and other marks such as port wine stain (think of Gorbachev’s forehead) can be bought at drugstores and department stores. One popular brand is called Dermablend. I recommend that you pick some up before you need it.

The general rule when playing in a “no marks” situation is: If you’re not sure whether or not a given activity will leave marks, don’t do it.

“Post-whipping flu.”
Myoglobin is an oxygen-transporting protein that exists in muscle cells. When muscle cells are damaged, they may rupture and release myoglobin into the body’s circulatory system. While the body can usually handle small amounts of myoglobin without much difficulty, larger amounts in the blood can damage the kidneys.

A submissive who has done a heavy scene, particularly if they’ve been playing with enough impact to leave deep bruises or enough electricity to cause muscle spasm, may feel a little out of sorts the next day, sort of as though they had a mild case of the flu. This phenomenon is due in part to the release of myoglobin into their bloodstream. Flushing the myoglobin out of their system may help them feel better. It’s therefore very important for them to drink a lot of fluids for the next day or two to help the kidneys with this process. (If their urine is noticeably dark, they should probably see a physician.) Some people also like to take some extra vitamins - particularly Vitamin C, Vitamin A and zinc - to aid in healing.

SM Duting Pregmaney

OK, so she’s pregnant. Does this mean you have to give up SM for the next nine months?

Probably not - but you may have to alter, modify, or even temporarily give up some forms of play. Her body, biochemistry, self-image, and emotions are going through dramatic and sometimes rapid changes; accommodating them will require communication, sensitivity, and flexibility.

I like feeling trapped.

Obviously, she should receive professional prenatal care as early in the pregnancy as possible. (Physicians are aware that 17 percent of pregnant women are victims of domestic violence during their pregnancy, so now may not be the best time to show up at the doctor’s office with a collection of welts and bruises.)

The most important thing to keep in mind is that she
will
change while she is pregnant - physically, hormonally, and emotionally. Exactly how she will change cannot be predicted, so it’s important to stay in touch with the here and now. Some examples are:

Physical changes.
Toward the end of the pregnancy, she will find it increasingly difficult to lie on her stomach, and lying on her back will compromise blood flow to the baby. She may also find all-fours positions difficult.

She may have more frequent episodes of dizziness or nausea. Be careful with gags.

Her breasts will increase in size and become more sensitive. Later in the pregnancy, she may also start to secrete colostrum from her nipples, particularly if they are being stimulated. Heavy impact play to the breasts is probably not a good idea.

Changes in her balance may make it difficult for her to stand for long periods of time, particularly in bondage. She may also find prolonged standing painful to her back and legs. She may want to avoid wearing very high heels.

She may suffer from hemorrhoids, so be careful about inserting anything into her anus.

The connective tissue in her joints is loosening, making her more flexible. However, it may not be a good idea to take advantage of this flexibility; keep bondage relatively comfortable.

She will have to urinate frequently. If you like to play with bondage, now is a good time to invest a couple of bucks in a small portable urinaL

Emotional changes.
She is in the process of adjusting her self-image to accommodate the idea of being a mother. She is also dealing with extreme fluctuations in mood-affecting hormones.

Some women report that they feel sensations more intensely during pregnancy, so they may not be able to handle levels of pain that they would have been able to manage before.

It’s also common for pregnant women to feel emotions more intensely. Most mothers I talked to while researching this section stated that they avoided negative, stressful scenes (and people) while they were pregnant. One made a point of avoiding heavy fear play. (Many people believe that the maturing infant is aware of its mother’s emotions during pregnancy.)

Sexual changes.
Her sexuality may change very distinctly during pregnancy. Her libido may increase or decrease, or both at different times. Her interest in SM may also increase or decrease, or it may change. (One woman I talked to went from being a sweet submissive to being a hellish sadist during pregnancy.) It’s also worth keeping in mind that her sexual and SM interests may change
after
the arrival of the baby. She may not be interested in sex or SM play at all for a period of weeks or months - especially receiving pain! She may be too exhausted to feel like doing much of anything. I have known a few women who permanently lost
all
interest in SM once they made the transition from “hot babe” to “mom.”

Important cautions.
Obviously, delivering blows to the abdominal area of a pregnant woman is a really, really, really bad idea. Less obviously, blowing air into the vagina during cunnilingus or other activities, particularly later in her pregnancy, has a small but real chance of causing an air embolism.

If she has experienced any bleeding, pain, or fluid leakage from her vagina, I would definitely avoid any sort of vaginal penetration. Paramedics are cautioned never to do a vaginal examination on a woman who has third-trimester bleeding. Doing so can provoke a fatal hemorrhage.

Vaginal fisting during pregnancy is a very controversial topic. Some women have reported no problems with it, and possibly even some benefits in terms of helping to ease the birth process. I’d say that if you’re accustomed to being fisted, you can probably proceed safely, at least for the first two trimesters. I wouldn’t explore this activity for the first time during pregnancy, though.