SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (26 page)

Safety note: Be sure any rod or bar placed under a submissive is strong and not likely to break. This is particularly important if they are on a bed or other noticeably soft, giving surface.

Tying A Submissive to the Bed

In many ways, this is a classic SM image. I’ve seen it in movies, cartoons, and many other areas. Many beginners and non-SM people have told me of tying someone or of being tied in this way.

As I’ve mentioned several times earlier, this a very unfortunate situation. Such bondage is far too restrictive for beginners or people who don’t know each other well. (I know of a case in which a woman was nonconsensually tied to a bed for over three days.)

I usually don’t let a dominant tie me to anything immovable, such as a bed or chair, until at least the third time we play together. Also, I would definitely have a silent alarm in place and make sure that my dominant knew about it.

Having said all the above, let me add that this form of bondage has great potential. Many bondage fans explore it in depth.

Tying wrists to bedposts.
Eventually, once you know someone well, you may want to tie them to a bed in the classic “spread-eagle” position. This position combines high security with high accessibility.

The restraint knot and the gi knot described earlier in this chapter are first-rate knots to use in this situation, particularly when used with a 12-foot length of rope for each limb. After tying the knot at the midpoint of the rope, take the two free ends up to the bedpost, and wrap them around the post once or twice. Then, drop the two ends down to the bed’s legs, wrap them around the lower part of the leg, and tie them in a bow. (This will keep the final knot well out of the submissive’s reach, but, if necessary, allows you to release it instantly.)

Submissives often want to grab their ropes to “brace” themselves when tied this way, so if you are feeling benevolent that night, you might run the rope across your partner’s palm. Doing so allows them to grab the rope. On the other hand, if you’re not feeling particularly nice right then, tie the knot at the back of their wrist. You might even order them to keep their hands off the ropes.

Is that too tight? Is that too loose?

A few thoughts on tying submissives to beds.
The classic, face-up, spread-eagle bed bondage position has, of course, many advantages: the breasts, genitals, and insides of the thighs are well-exposed, and the position is not unduly uncomfortable and can be held by some people for hours. A woman tied in this position is often capable of sexual intercourse, but it may be easier if you free her legs or tie them to either an overhead bar or eyebolts in the ceiling. If she has to keep her legs parallel to the floor, entry may be difficult.

Caution: If you do tie her legs to overhead eyebolts, make sure you use many coils of rope around her ankles. This is especially true if you get on top ofher for intercourse. Otherwise, the tension of this position can cause the ropes around her ankles to cut more deeply into her flesh than either of you want. In an extreme case, the pressure could be so severe as to leave permanent marks. You can also reduce this risk by using wider-than-average rope or leather cuffs.

This position also has a few disadvantages: the submissive’s back and buttocks are almost inaccessible, and their anus difficult to reach. Also, because his legs are tied apart, it is often somewhat difficult for a woman to mount a man for intercourse if he is tied this way. Also, as with most positions where a man is tied with his legs apart, it is likely to be difficult for him to reach orgasm. (A fact used to good effect by some mischievous dominants.)

Also, it is difficult for a submissive tied this way to perform oral sex on a penis. (The testicles and anus, however, can be well-reached.) Cunnilingus is possible, but the dominant must have some self-control. Finally, it’s difficult to turn the submissive over, and thus gain access to their backside, without removing most of the bondage.

Accordingly, you might try some of these other positions:

1. Tie the submissive face-up, hands tied apart to the corners, feet tied together at the bottom center of the bed. This is a particularly good position for a dominant woman to use on a man. It allows you to mount him, and it’s easier for him to reach orgasm. (Don’t make this
too
easy.)

2. The submissive is tied face-up, hands together at the upper center of the bed, legs apart. This position makes it easier to turn them. Untie one leg’s securing rope (leave the coils in place around the ankle), bring it over to the other leg and tie it in place there. (Tie it to the bed, not the other leg.) Then free the other leg and bring it back to where the first one was tied, thus turning the submissive. This is a fairly good position for binding a woman. It has one drawback: in this position, it’s hard for the submissive to perform oral sex.

3. The submissive lies face-up, the hands tied together at the head of the bed, and the feet tied together at the foot. This is a good position for a submissive male. He can be turned readily, and thus most of both the front and back of his body is available. About the only drawback is that it makes it difficult for him to perform oral sex.

4. The submissive is tied face-up, the legs are tied together at the foot of the bed, and the wrists are tied behind the back. A pillow is placed under his buttocks and a strap is run across his chest and under his armpits to the top center of the bed. This is perhaps the best overall position for tying a man to a bed.

To apply this tie, order him to him lie race-down on the bed about one-third of the way from the side. Tell him to put his feet together and his hands behind his back. Tie his wrists with a 12-foot rope. Finish this tie by bringing the ends around his sides to his abdomen, and tie them firmly together. Take a second 12-foot length of rope and place its midpoint on his upper back, level with his armpits. Run either end under his armpits to the front of his body, then bring the two ends back over his collarbones to the rear ofhis neck at its base and tie them together using a surgeon’s knot.

Order him to roll toward the center of the bed until he is on his back.
Place a pillow under his hips to elevate them.
(He may be lying on his back for a long time.) Run the free ends of the “shoulder harness” up to the middle of the top of the bed and tie them there. Tie them loosely-he’ll need some slack so he can turn from face-up to face-down positions. Finish the tie by using a third 12-foot length of rope to tie his ankles together and then to the bottom center of the bed.

This position gives you almost complete access and excellent security. Female-superior intercourse and cunnilingus are very possible, and almost his entire body is accessible.

I’m working on getting my elbows to touch behind my back.

The psychology of applying the
spread-eagle
tie.
Two schools of thought exist regarding how you should tie a submissive spread-eagled onto a bed. The first schools says to go for immediate, maximum vulnerability. For instance, if your submissive is right-handed, begin by tying their right wrist. Then tie their left wrist, then right ankle, then left ankle. The other school is a bit more teasing. These scamps tie in reverse order, thus letting both people savor the approaching moment of inescapability. Personally, I prefer the second approach.

A similar approach can be taken with most other bondage. For example, because a person whose wrists are bound is much more helpless than a person whose feet are bound, the dominant begins the bondage by tying the feet.

Note: because many people consider this approach less threatening, you might use it when tying someone new to the experience.

Notes and Hints

Face-up bondage: One prime principle of tying someone’s hands behind their back and then having them lie on their back is to put a thick pillow under their buttocks. (Make sure this doesn’t make their back feel strained.) Doing so lifts most of their body weight off their hands and helps prevent the hands from going to sleep.

Face-down bondage: It’s usually difficult and painful for a submissive to be bound face-down for any length of time. People weren’t built to lie face down. They must either turn their head to the side or arch their head back somewhat, and either is painful after a while. If you like face-down positions, consider getting a special device from a massage supply company that can be placed on a bed and allows people to lie face-down.

Now, how did you tie that again?

A massage table, by the way, is easily converted into a bondage table. A few eyebolts or holes are all you need. (Be careful where you place them. Don’t weaken the table!)

One caution: Think twice about getting onto such a table with the submissive. Most tables aren’t built to take that much weight, and are too narrow (and thus unstable) for erotic thrashing about. You don’t want to collapse or topple the table! An alternative is to lay the table on the floor with its legs folded away and the ropes passed under it. The submissive’s own body weight holds them in place, and joining them on the table would be much safer.

If you must loosen the submissive’s bondage, try to do so as little as possible. For example, when moving a submissive who is in a spread-eagle tie, move only one bound limb at a time. (Or, if necessary, two.) Don’t take off the whole thing.

A submissive may be tied to a bed for a very long time. Thus, having something for them to drink will help preserve the session’s energy. Furthermore, because it’s difficult for them to drink from a cup or glass (they can’t hold it) a straw can come in very handy. Those “sport bottles” with the built-in straw also work well.

Also, following the principle of “what goes in must come out,” having a urinal handy can do a lot to preserve the mood. A male urinal, with a lid that snaps in place, usually works acceptably well for both sexes.

First Bondage

Binding someone for the first time is a special moment. This is particularly true if they have never before been bound in an erotic context. (Most people played “cowboys and indians” games during childhood.) A wise dominant recognizes this opportunity. They “imprint” their play partner in a positive way. This may open the door to years, even a lifetime, of enjoying erotic bondage.

Some people have “really” been arrested, kidnapped, captured during wartime, or otherwise held captive. Show extra consideration and patience to them. Among other things, if erotic bondage is done appropriately, it may hold significant healing potential.

First bondage safety tip.
As a safety measure, a submissive should avoid letting themselves be tied
to
anything, such as a bed or chair, during their first bondage session. Understand and agree upon this in pre-session negotiations.

A first bondage session should probably involve tying only the submissive’s wrists. Your agreement to let your hands be bound does not in any way give your dominant the right to bind your ankles or any other part of you. Giving someone you don’t know extremely well permission to tie you up without first negotiating what parts of you will be tied, with what material, for how long, and under what conditions is a
terrible
idea. Be content with only tied wrists the first time. Additional sessions, involving more extensive bondage, can be arranged afterward if the first session goes well.

(Answering machine message):
I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m all tied up. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you just as soon as I’m untied.

First bondage equipment.
I suggest avoiding formal equipment, such as leather cuffs, for first bondage. Instead, use “improvised,” soft materials such as bathrobe sashes, scarves, and soft belts. “First bondage” materials should be soft and wide, and it won’t detract from the session a bit if they’re colorful.

Precautions When Playing in Isolated Arear

A few years ago, novelist Stephen King published a book in which a man takes a woman to a cabin deep in the woods, handcuffs her securely to a bed, then suddenly and unexpectedly dies of a heart attack.

While such incidents are extraordinarily rare, it is not out of the question that they could happen. A dominant could tie a submissive into a totally inescapable position and then suffer a heart attack, stroke, seizure, accident, or another situation, thus leaving the submissive helpless and both of them in a truly terrible situation.

OK, so what to do about it? Several precautions come to mind. The first and most important precaution is to recognize that this situation could occur and needs to be planned for. This includes recognizing that cabins deep in the woods are not the only risky locations. Farmhouses, boats, isolated campsites and other “natural” locations, suburban homes, and even some city apartments may be highly risky. Above all, the possibility that this might happen must
not
be ignored or denied. “Listen, honey, I’m just not going to have a heart attack,” is an explanation you should simply not (ever, ever, ever) accept.

A few specific precautions include (1) as with first bondage sessions, not tying the submissive to anything immovable such as a bed or heavy chair, (2) setting up a silent alarm, (3) playing with bondage but not gags, (4) having a third person present, (5) avoiding the use of relatively inescapable bondage equipment such as handcuffs, (6) making sure that the submissive can reach a telephone “if they
really
have to” (phones equipped with both a speakerphone and one-touch speed dialers are especially useful), (7) placing a citizen’s band walkie-talkie or similar two-way radio within the submissive’s “really have to” reach, and (8) setting up an alarm system equipped with a “panic button” (a device similar to a garage door opener; you push the button and the alarm sounds). Electronic stores often stock simple but very effective alarm systems that include panic buttons. Please note that it’s entirely reasonable to have a “dress rehearsal” on these matters.