SM 101: A Realistic Introduction (54 page)

The
space owner
is the person who owns, rents, or manages the space where the party is held. When there is a difference between the rules laid down by the space owner and the rules of the party organization, it is customary to default to the more conservative rule (in other words, if the party group allows hot wax play but the space owner doesn’t, there will be no wax play at that party). The partygiver and the space owner must reach agreement before the party about who will be liable for damages, and to what monetary extent. They should agree on how to handle matters if the space owner has a problem with the behavior of any party attendee. It is customary for the partygiver to give the space owner a certain number of complimentary admissions to the party.

The
doorkeeper
is responsible for letting people into the party and for checking them against the reservation list. Since the doorkeeper usually doesn’t feel like spending the entire night opening and closing the door, most parties have a preestablished door-closing time.

The
casbier
takes admission fees, makes change, hands out rule sheets, and collects signed waiver forms. At smaller parties, the doorkeeper and cashier may be the same person.

The
food prep team
makes sure there is plenty of food to eat. It’s a very good idea to serve high-protein snacks to stave off low blood sugar among players. Many people also enjoy sweets when they play; chocolate is a particular favorite. Most importantly, make sure there are
lots
of non-alcoholic beverages, including fresh water - many people sweat heavily while playing, and you don’t want anybody fainting from dehydration. It’s considerate to offer vegetarian snacks as welL Unless you’re giving an extremely fancy party, cold foods will usually suffice. The food prep team should also make sure that the supply of food and beverages is kept refreshed through the course of the party. (Note: in some cases, particularly if the party is small, the partygiver may choose to have attendees bring pot-luck food. This can work out fine, as long as you enforce the rules and make some effort to be sure that a variety of dishes is provided - a long table full of strawberries looks lovely but probably won’t fill the stomachs of a houseful of exhausted perverts.)

The
music person
makes sure that appropriate music is played throughout the evening, at a volume that is comfortable for the players. What constitutes “appropriate music” depends on the preferences of your group; some groups prefer rock or techno with a driving beat, while others prefer trance-inducing New Age music, and still others like something classical. The music person may be responsible for setting up the sound system as welL In some cases, the dungeon monitor may double as music person.

The
dungeon monitors
are responsible for making sure that the party rules are followed. They are available for answering questions, diplomatically suggesting safer ways to do scenes that don’t look adequately safe, and making sure the onlookers behave themselves in a courteous and non-intrusive manner. They may help out by bringing items like water or condoms to aid in a scene. They are also the first line of defense in case of an emergency - a medical emergency such as illness or injury, an environmental emergency such as a power outage or fire, or a behavioral emergency such as a freakout or flashback Usually, each dungeon monitor works a shift of one and a half to two hours. You probably should have one dungeon monitor for about each 40 people in attendance.

The
cleanup crew
are the real heroes of the evening. When everybody else is exhausted, endorphined out, and ready to go home, they spring into action and restore the space to pristine condition. (Big hint: if you want to ingratiate yourself with a partygiver, volunteer for the cleanup crew.)

Equipment As a general rule, attendees at a patty bring their own toys (rope, restraints, whips, clamps, etc.) If they have special preferences regarding lubes, condoms, and so on, they should bring these items, too.

Can we do a scene that involves lots of bondage and clamps?

The partygiver and/or space owner usually provides some large items of bondage equipment, if possible. At some parties, this may be minimal (it’s amazing the fun you can have on a plain old bed). Others offer roomsful of enticing racks, posts, crosses, horses, cages and other equipment. A partygiver will often find it worthwhile to invest in some pieces of equipment that can be broken down and carried from one party location to another, a strategy which is especially useful if you give parties in private homes.

Also, the partygiver and/or space owner should provide emergency equipment. A space where parties are held should be equipped with blackout lights, six-volt lanterns, fire extinguishers and a first aid kit. (It’s a nice touch to include common over-the-counter medications such as aspirin, ibuprofen, decongestants, and antacids in this kit.) There should be some sort of sound system available, even if it’s only a portable tape player.

The partygiver, or sometimes the space owner, is usually also responsible for providing safer sex supplies. These should, at a minimum, include lubricated and unlubricated condoms, latex gloves in all sizes, non-latex gloves for people with allergies, lubricants with and without nonoxynol-9, some dental dams or plastic wrap, and cleanser and paper towels that people can use to clean up their play areas after they’re done. If you allow bloodletting at your parties, you should have and maintain a properly marked sharps container, and you should make sure it’s properly disposed of after the party. (Drugstores in some parts of the country will give you empty sharps containers and accept filled ones for disposal.) It’s also a nice touch to put out zip-lock plastic bags that attendees can use to store and carry dirty toys.

Food equipment such as paper plates, cups, flatware, napkins, and platters may be provided by the food people, by the partygiver or by the space owner.

Each dungeon monitor should be equipped, while on duty, with a small flashlight, a pair of paramedic scissors, a pair of gloves, and some sort of easily recognizable insignia such as a badge or armband. The partygiver ordinarily provides these.

Setting the rules. Your party group will have to reach agreement regarding what rules you intend to enforce. It’s a good idea to have your rules established
before
you start inviting people - in fact, I’d suggest that you consider including a copy of the rules with the party invitation. A would-be attendee discovering a deal-breaking rule at the door is frustrating and disappointing for all concerned.

Above all, do not make rules that you’re not willing to enforce. Nothing harms a party-giver’s credibility faster than a lot of people visibly breaking the rules. If you make a rule, enforce it without exception - even if the rule-breaker is your best buddy. (Note: It’s not unknown for a certain type of attendee to attempt to test the mettle of a party host by bending or breaking the rules. When this happens, act promptly; the sooner you approach them, the easier it will be to resolve the problem amicably. Be prepared to be polite but firm.)

Bring me something to cause you pain and something to cause you pleasure.

Some of your rules will simply be to make your own life easier. For example, I’ve found that it’s a good idea to charge people a small additional fee for showing up after the doors have closed (unless they notified the partygiver first), for RSVPing after the deadline, or for RSVPing and then not showing up. Other rules will have to do with etiquette and courteous behavior.

Still other rules have to do with SM activities. Here are some of the issues that various party groups have chosen to restrict, or not to restrict.

penetrative sex
unprotected sex
drugs and alcohol
bloodletting
open flame
suffocation and strangulation
“consensual nonconsent”
open flame
hot wax play
firearms
loud screams
suspension
inverted suspension
gags
disturbing scenes (for example, Nazi play
or rape scenes)
scat and piss scenes
branding

For a sample set of party rules, as well as descriptions of aTrudi or Dare game and a tops & bottoms auction, see Appendix I in the back of this book.

More Formal Organizational Structures

As your organization grows, the complexity and amount of work involved grow along with it. The amount of money passing through it may become uncomfortably large; responsibility may need to be shared; space owners may be getting nervous about liability issues.

Moreover, a “boss” never lasts forever. The person who’s been running things will eventually become exhausted, and wish to step down. It may be time for the membership to hold an election, a crucial point in the organization’s growth. Elections need to be thought through well in advance - particularly who is eligible to vote. (I have seen at least one organization fail because of a lack of consensus on this matter.)

Also, the form of the organization may need to come under periodic review. You may wish to stay loose and informal, or to become more formally organized. Some SM clubs have even gone so far as to become legally recognized nonprofit corporations.

If you decide to go the “fully legit” route, you might wish to look into incorporating as a church - an organizational vehicle with a great deal to recommend it. In addition to the benefits of other nonprofit corporations, churches have special status. What is said between a church leader and a member of the congregation may be considered privileged information, an important point regarding confidentiality. Also, spiritual advisors have greater latitude than others in visiting people who have been imprisoned or hospitalized. Thirdly, government agencies may be a bit less eager to intrude into a church’s activities then those of other organizations (that “separation of church and state” business is still taken fairly seriously in this country).

On being an SM club officer. Being an officer in an SM club can be a great deal of fun, and includes a certain amount of prestige and status. However, you will quickly find that the job also comes with substantial responsibilities.

When you become an officer, you have been placed in a position of trust. It is now your duty to serve the interests of the club and its members, rather than your personal agenda. Also, now that you’re one of the “first among equals,” people are looking to you for an example of how to behave. Thus, it’s crucial that you conduct your club dealings fairly to all concerned. That means you have to treat your worst enemy as fairly as you treat your best friend. If you feel that you cannot treat every member of your club with adequate fairness and objectivity, spare everybody a lot of grief and leave the officership to someone who can.

General Safety Considerations

Musings on safety.
The overall subject of safety is one that gets considerable attention in the SM world. Participating in SM involves both obvious and not-so-obvious risks to our physical well-being, our emotional well-being, and the well-being of our relationships. That being so, I’d like to take a minute to talk about safety in general.

A dictionary I have handy defines “safe” as follows: Not apt or able to cause or incur danger, harm, or evil; free from danger, injury, or hazard. “Safety” is defined as freedom from danger, risk, or injury. “Risk” is defined as the possibility of suffering harm or loss; danger.

It can be tricky to talk about safety and risk in the context of SM. Many players go through a long and glorious career doing SM, without ever experiencing a serious injury or other problem. Others, often through no fault of their own, encounter several.

There is no such thing as a risk-free life. Even a person sitting quietly in their living room watching TV is at some degree of risk. That being so, a person participating in SM, no matter how cautiously and responsibly, is obviously at a much higher degree of risk. There is no such thing as risk-free SM.

I was putting out enough endorphins to sedate a cancer ward.

On the other hand, I’ve seen the fact that all SM contains at least some risk used by people to try to justify highly reckless and dangerous practices. I call this the “hey, everything is risky” fallacy. Of course everything is risky -
but not to the same degree.

It may be more useful to think of safety and risk in the context of statistics. Instead of trying to figure out what
your
chances of encountering a problem may be, imagine yourself as part of a group of 1,000 perverts, all doing the same scene. Five hundred of you try the scene using Technique A, and the other 500 try Technique B. In the first group, one person gets hurt; in the second group, 25 people are hurt. Thus, we say Technique B is riskier, or less safe, than Technique A.

SM and risk. SM is the riskiest form of sex. Even under ideal conditions, with all reasonable precautions taken, danger sometimes appears. For example, an earthquake might strike. A bound, blindfolded, or otherwise hampered submissive is vulnerable. (Such vulnerability is part of SM’s attractiveness for many players.)

Some critics say SM is too dangerous to do at all. I disagree. Responsible SM play is not unacceptably risky. The critics may
say any
risk taken for the “mere” purpose of feeling pleasure (especially - horrors! horrors! -
sexual
pleasure) isn’t worth it. Again, I disagree. People frequently take risks to feel pleasure. All sporting events, for example, involve risk. Amusement park rides, circuses, and many other pleasurable events are risky. Driving to the movies is risky.

Serious injuries rarely occur during SM play. Many fewer than seem to occur, for example, in a similar-sized group of people playing softball, practicing martial arts, or enjoying touch football - let alone jogging! Ignorance and sloppiness cause many more injuries than abuse causes. (One of my main purposes in writing this book is to reduce the number of injuries caused by such ignorance and sloppiness.) If you follow basic safety guidelines, you probably will never face any serious injury, medical emergency, or psychological crisis.