Small Great Things (21 page)

I nearly swallowed my tongue. “I, um, I would be honored to do that.”

He looked at me, appraising. “Good. Do it soon.”

As it turned out, it took a while. I wanted it to be perfect, so I asked around on LONEWOLF for suggestions. One guy had gotten all decked out in full SS regalia to propose. Another took his beloved to the site of their first real date, but I didn't think a hot dog stand with gay guys blowing each other in the woods was a terrific setting. Several posters got into a vehement fight about whether or not an engagement ring was necessary, since Jews ran the diamond industry.

In the end, I decided to just tell her how I felt. So one day I picked her up and drove back to my place. “Really?” she said. “
You're
going to cook?”

“I thought maybe we could do it together,” I suggested as we walked into the kitchen. I turned away because I thought for sure she would see how terrified I was.

“What are we having?”

“Well, don't be disappointed.” I held out a container of hummus. On top, I had written:
There are no words to tell you hummus I love you.

She laughed. “Cute.”

I handed her an ear of corn and mimed shucking it. She pulled down the husk and a note fell out:
I think you're amaizing
.

Grinning, she held out her hand for more.

I gave her a bottle of ketchup, with a sticker on the back:
I love you from my head tomatoes.

“That's pushing it,” Brit said, smiling.

“I was limited by the season.” I passed her a stick of margarine.
You're my butter half.

Then I opened the fridge.

On the top shelf were four zucchini propped up to form the letter
M,
three carrots creating an
A,
two curved bananas:
r, r,
and a piece of gingerroot:
Y
.

On the next shelf was a cellophane-wrapped package of chopped meat that I'd shaped into the letters
ME
.

On the bottom shelf was a squash with Brit's name carved into it.

Brit covered her mouth with her hand as I dropped to my knee. I handed her a ring box. Inside was a blue topaz, which was exactly the color of her eyes. “Say yes,” I begged.

She slipped the ring onto her hand as I stood. “I was kind of expecting a Hefty twist tie after all that,” Brit said, and she threw her arms around me.

We kissed, and I hiked her up on the counter. She wrapped her legs around me. I thought about spending the rest of my life with Brit. I thought about our kids; how they would look just like her; how they'd have a father who was a million times better than mine had been.

An hour later, when we lay in each other's arms on the kitchen floor, on a pile of our clothes, I gathered Brit close. “I'm assuming that's a yes,” I said.

Her eyes lit up, and she ran to the fridge, returning a few seconds later. “Yes,” she said. “But first you have to promise me something. We…” She dropped a melon into my hands.

Cantaloupe
.

W
HEN
I
COME
back from court and walk into the house, the television is still on. Francis meets me at the door, and I look at him, a question on my lips. Before I can ask, though, I see that Brit is sitting in the living room on the floor, her face inches away from the screen. The midday news is on, and there is Odette Lawton talking to reporters.

Brit turns, and for the first time since our son was born, for the first time in weeks, she smiles. “Baby,” she says, bright and beautiful and mine again. “Baby, you're a
star
.”

T
HEY PUT ME IN CHAINS.

Just like that, they shackle my hands in front of me, as if that doesn't send two hundred years of history running through my veins like an electric current. As if I can't feel my great-great-grandmother and her mother standing on an auction block. They put me in chains, and my son—who I've told, every day since he was born,
You are more than the color of your skin—
my son watches.

It is more humiliating than being in public in my nightgown, than having to urinate without privacy in the holding cell, than being spit at by Turk Bauer, than having a stranger speak for me in front of a judge.

She had asked me if I touched the baby, and I'd lied to her. Not because I thought, at this point, that I still had a job to save, but because I just couldn't think through fast enough what the right answer would be, the one that might set me free. And because I didn't trust this stranger sitting across from me, when I was nothing more to her than the other twenty clients she would see today.

I listen to this lawyer—Kennedy something, I have already forgotten her last name—volley back and forth with another lawyer. The prosecutor, who's a woman of color, does not even make eye contact with me. I wonder if this is because she feels nothing but contempt for me, an alleged criminal…or because she knows if she wants to be taken seriously, she has to widen the canyon between us.

True to her word, Kennedy gets me bail. Just like that, I want to hug this woman, thank her. “What happens now?” I ask, as the people in the courtroom hear the decision, and become a living, breathing thing.

“You're getting out,” she tells me.

“Thank God. How long will it take?”

I am expecting minutes. An hour, at the most. There must be paperwork, which I can then lock away to prove that this was all a misunderstanding.

“A couple of days,” Kennedy says. Then a beefy guard has my arm and firmly pushes me back to the rabbit warren of holding cells in the basement of this godforsaken building.

I wait in the same cell I was taken to during the recess in court. I count all the cinder blocks in the wall: 360. I count them again. I think about that spider of a tattoo on Turk Bauer's head, and how I hadn't believed he could possibly be worse than he already was, but I was wrong. I don't know how much time passes before Kennedy comes. “What is going
on
?” I explode. “I can't stay here for days!”

She talks about mortgage deeds and percentages, numbers that swim in my head. “I know you're worried about your son. I'm sure your sister will keep an eye on him.”

A sob swells like a song in my throat. I think about my sister's home, where her boys talk back to their dad when he tells them to take out the trash. Where dinner is not a conversation but take-out Chinese with the television blaring. I think about Edison texting me at work, things like
Reading
Lolita
4 AP Eng. Nabokov = srsly messed up dude.

“So I stay here?” I ask.

“You'll be taken to the prison.”

“Prison?” A chill runs down my spine.
“
But I thought I got bail?”

“You did. But the wheels of justice move exceedingly slow, and you have to stay until the bail is processed.”

Suddenly a guard I haven't seen before appears at the door of the cell. “Coffee klatch is over, ladies,” he says.

Kennedy looks at me, her words fast and fierce like bullets. “Don't talk about your charges. People are going to try to work a deal by prying information out of you. Don't trust anyone.”

Including you?
I wonder.

The guard opens the door of the cell and tells me to hold out my arms. There are those shackles and chains again. “Is that really necessary?” Kennedy asks.

“I don't make the rules,” the guard says.

I am led down another hallway to a loading dock, where a van is waiting. Inside is another woman in chains. She's wearing a tight dress and glitter eyeliner and has a weave that reaches halfway down her back. “You like what you see?” she asks, and I immediately avert my eyes.

The sheriff climbs into the front seat of the van and starts the engine.

“Officer,” the woman calls. “I'm a girl who loves her jewelry, but these bracelets are cramping my style.”

When he doesn't respond, she rolls her eyes. “I'm Liza,” she says. “Liza Lott.”

I can't help it; I laugh. “That's really your name?”

“It better be, since I picked it. I like it so much better than…Bruce.” She purses her lips, staring at me, waiting for my reaction. My eyes move from her large manicured hands to her stunning face. If she's expecting me to be shocked, she has another thing coming. I'm a nurse. I have literally seen it all, including a trans man who became pregnant when his wife was infertile, and a woman with two vaginas.

I meet her gaze, refusing to be intimidated. “I'm Ruth.”

“You get your Subway sandwich, Ruth?”

“What?”

“The food, sugar. It's so much better at court than in jail, am I right?”

I shake my head. “I've never done this before.”

“Me, I should have a punch card. You know, the kind where you get a free coffee or a tiny tube of mascara at your tenth visit.” She grins. “What are you in for?”

“I wish I knew,” I say, before I can remember not to.

“What the fuck, girl? You were in the courtroom, you were arraigned,” Liza replies. “You didn't hear what you were charged with?”

I turn away, focusing on the scenery out the window. “My lawyer told me I shouldn't talk to anyone about that.”

“Well.” She sniffs. “Pardon me, Your Majesty.”

In the rearview mirror, the sheriff's eyes appear, sharp and blue. “She's in for murder,” he says, and none of us speak for the rest of the ride.

W
HEN
I
APPLIED
to Yale Nursing School, Mama asked her pastor to say an extra prayer for me, in the hope that God could sway the admissions committee if my transcript from college could not. I remember being mortified as I sat in church beside her, as the congregation lifted their spirits and their voices heavenward on my behalf. There were people dying of cancer, infertile couples hoping for a baby, war in third world countries—in other words, so many more important things the Lord had to do with His time. But Mama said I was equally important, at least to our congregation. I was their success story, the college graduate who was going on to Make a Difference.

On the day before classes were supposed to start, Mama took me out to dinner. “You're destined to do small great things,” she told me. “Just like Dr. King said.” She was referring to one of her favorite quotes:
If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way.
“But,” she continued, “don't forget where you came from.” I didn't really understand what she meant. I was one of a dozen kids from our neighborhood who had gone to college, and only a handful of those were destined for graduate school. I knew she was proud of me; I knew she felt like her hard work to set me on a different path had paid off. Given that she'd been pushing me out of the nest since I was little, why would she want me to carry around the twigs that had built it? Couldn't I fly further without them?

I took classes in anatomy and physiology, in pharmacology and principles of nursing, but I planned my schedule so that I was always home for dinner, to tell my mama about my day. It didn't matter that my commute to and from the city was two hours each way. I knew that if Mama hadn't spent thirty years scrubbing the floors at Ms. Mina's house, I wouldn't be on that train at all.

“Tell me everything,” Mama would say, spooning whatever she'd cooked onto my plate. I passed along the remarkable things I learned—that half the population carries the MRSA germs in their nose; that nitroglycerin can cause you to have a bowel movement if it makes contact with your skin; that you are taller in the morning than the evening, by nearly a half inch, because of the fluid between your spinal discs. But there were things I didn't tell her, too.

Though I may have been at one of the finest nursing schools in the country, that mattered only on campus. At Yale, other nursing students asked to see my meticulous notes or to have me join their study group. During clinical rotations at the hospital, teachers praised my expertise. But when the day was over, I'd walk into a convenience store to buy a Coke and the owner would follow me around to make sure I didn't shoplift. I'd sit on the train as elderly white women walked by without making eye contact, even though there was an empty seat beside me.

A month into my tenure at nursing school, I bought a Yale travel mug. My mother assumed it was because I had to leave before dawn in order to catch the train to New Haven every day, and she'd get up and make me a fresh cup of coffee each morning to fill it. But it wasn't caffeine I needed; it was a ticket into a different world. I would settle the mug on my lap every time I got on the train, with the word
YALE
purposefully turned so other passengers could read it as they boarded. It was a flag, a sign saying:
I'm one of you.

T
HE WOMEN'S PRISON,
it turns out, is a good hour's drive from New Haven. After we arrive, Liza and I are shuttled into a holding cell that looks exactly the same as the one I was in at the courthouse, only more crowded. There are fifteen other women already inside. There are no seats, so I slide down a wall and sit on the floor between two women. One has her hands laced in front of her and is praying under her breath in Spanish. The other is biting her cuticles.

Liza leans against the bars and begins to weave her long hair into a fishtail braid. “Excuse me,” I say quietly. “Do you know if they'll let me make a phone call?”

She glances up at me. “Oh,
now
you wanna talk to me.”

“I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I…I'm new to all of this.”

She snaps a rubber band at the end of her braid. “Sure, you get a phone call. Right after they serve you your caviar and give you a nice massage.”

I am shocked by this. Isn't a phone call a basic right for prisoners? “That's not what it's like in the movies,” I murmur.

Liza places her hands under her breasts and plumps them. “Don't believe everything you see.”

A female guard opens the door to the cell. The praying woman gets up, her eyes full of hope, but the officer motions to Liza instead. “Good God, Liza. You back again?”

“Don't you know nothing about economics? It's all supply and demand. I ain't in this business by myself, Officer. If there weren't such a demand for my services, the supply would just dry up.”

The guard laughs. “Now there's an image,” she says, and she takes Liza by the arm to lead her out.

One by one we are plucked from the cell. No one who leaves comes back. To distract myself I start making lists of what I must remember to tell Adisa one day when I can look back on this and laugh: that the food we are given, during our multihour wait, is so unidentifiable that I can't tell if it's a vegetable or a meat; that the inmate who was mopping the floor when we were marched inside looked exactly like my second-grade teacher; that although I am embarrassed by my nightgown, there is a woman in the holding cell with me who is wearing the kind of mascot costume you see at high school football games. Then finally the same officer who took Liza away opens the door and calls my name.

I smile at her, trying to be as obedient as possible. I read her name tag:
GATES
. “Officer Gates,” I say, when we are out of earshot of the other women in the cell, “I know you're just doing your job, but I'm actually being released on bail. The thing is, I need to get in touch with my son—”

“Save it for your counselor, inmate.” She takes another mug shot of me, and rolls my fingerprints again. She fills out a form that asks everything from my name and address and gender to my HIV status and substance abuse history. Then she leads me into a room slightly bigger than a closet that has nothing inside but a chair.