Snared (Jaded Regret #1) (30 page)

I heard Natalie sniffle behind me, and I knew she was fighting to keep control. I dared to look up at April. She was staring at me; her hands twisted together in front of her and a small smile played on her lips as she glanced at me and then at Robbie. She stepped closer to me once I gave her my attention, her eyes searching mine for any sign of what I was thinking or feeling. I wanted nothing more than to grab her and pull her to me and bury my face in her neck, smelling the intoxicating smell of April Knight. But I couldn’t.

“April,” I said. “It smells superb in here. Thank you . . . for everything.” My words sounded formal and stiff, even to me. She got it. Her expression fell, and she stepped back, nodding her head once at my refusal.

“Beau. It’s good to see you.” I didn’t miss the emotion in her voice, but I had to break my gaze from hers. It was overwhelming, the urge I had to haul her into my arms and apologize all while kissing the hell out of her. “I have dinner ready . . .”

We sat down, the silence awkward as we tried to talk to each other without really talking. April asked me how I was feeling and how much longer my hand had to be casted. Natalie talked to Robbie about some game they’d been playing at night. I couldn’t do much talking beyond a few one-word answers. As great as the food was, I could only stomach a few bites before I started pushing the food around on my plate.

Once April got up and started clearing the table, I knew it was time for me to pull Robbie aside and talk to him. “Hey, Robbie?” The child turned and looked at me, waiting. “Can I talk to you in the living room for a little while?”

He nodded. “Do you want to play the game Natalie and I have been playing? It’s super fun.”

“Maybe later. I need to talk to you about something, if that’s okay.”

Natalie stood up with me, and we headed to the living room. I could hear April in the kitchen, the dishes clanging in the sink as she rinsed and loaded the dishwasher. Robbie sat on the couch next to Natalie, snuggling up next to her like he’d been here all along. But something didn’t feel right about what I was doing. Something was . . . off. If I thought about it, I knew exactly what it was.

“Hang on. I’ll be right back.”

Natalie nodded, understanding my intent. I walked into the kitchen and watched April, her back to me. My heart ached, and my head hurt. What was I supposed to do here? I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I should do. They weren’t the same thing.

“April.” It was all I could muster, but she heard me. She stiffened for a second before turning slightly, her gaze wary. She dried her hands on the towel and put them on either side of her, gripping the counter as she waited to see what I wanted.

My tongue was tied as I thought of all of the things I could say to her. Things I
wanted
to say to her but couldn’t find the words. I stepped closer to her, watching as her eyes widened just a fraction and her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. My chest constricted painfully as I took in every feature of her beautiful face.

I’d come in here to ask her to be a part of our conversation with Robbie. After all, she’d been part of this since the beginning. Her being in there would make Robbie more comfortable. Standing here within feet of April, my heart warred with my brain on what I wanted to say.

I knew it wasn’t the time. Robbie was waiting for me, wondering what I wanted to talk to him about. But she was standing there, looking so scared and unsure and . . . so fucking beautiful that I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I closed the space between us with just a few steps and she tried to back up but couldn’t with her back against the counter. She stared at me, waiting, and I knew I was the king of mixed signals right now. I took her hand, kissing the palm while she watched me wordlessly. I closed my eyes against the smell of her infiltrating my senses. The thought of never seeing her face again made me want to groan in pain. That’s what I’d been doing when I tried to kill myself. I was saying that my pain was bigger than April’s, bigger than Robbie’s, bigger than everyone’s. I knew it wasn’t me during that time, but I’d still caused her to feel the way she did right now.

“I’m sorry.” I held her palm against my face. Thank goodness that the first thing I’d done was go to a barber and get my hair and beard cut. I was myself again.

A small noise escaped from April’s lips, and I lifted my eyes to hers. Tears pooled in her eyes but she didn’t move or speak. She waited, and I realized I owed her more than just an apology.

“I want you to be in there when I tell him,” I explained, taking her hand and lacing the fingers of my good hand through it. She didn’t argue, so I continued. I was going against every single thing I’d sworn I’d do, but for once in my life I was following my heart.

She nodded, her eyes dropping to our linked hands. Doing so made tears track down her cheeks. Without thinking, I pulled her body close to mine and breathed her in. She hesitated for a moment, her body rigid until she fought through it. I understood exactly how she felt.

“I don’t deserve you, April. I know I don’t.”

I leaned my forehead against hers, hearing our harsh breathing as we both processed what we wanted to happen. “I’ll never be able to apologize enough for what I put you through that day. There’s no excuse for what I did, and I won’t pretend there is. This whole time, I was coming up with all the reasons why I couldn’t be with you, why it wasn’t what was best for you. But now . . .”

April lifted her face so all I would have to do was dip my head slightly and I’d be kissing her. Tears continued a steady path down her face and dripped on our entwined hands. “Now what?” Her voice was raw.

“Seeing you has made every single one of them go out the window. I know I don’t deserve you, but I want you. God, April, I want you.”

She shuddered, biting her lip as she fought for control. Was this when she turned me down and said she couldn’t do this with me? I’d deserve it if she did. She released her hand from mine, and I stepped back, my heart in my feet. This was it. She was done. What had I expected? She could have any man she wanted. What did she want with someone as broken as me?

April shook her head, stepping closer to me as I put space between us. “Stop,” she said. “You’re misunderstanding. Come here.” She put one arm around my waist and pulled me until there was no space between us. She then took her hands and put them on either side of my face, her eyes roving over every part of my face as I watched, unable to breathe as I waited. “I was so scared, Beau,” she whispered, her fingers moving softly on the hair on my face.

“I’m . . .”

April put her finger over my lips to silence me, then leaned forward and kissed me softly. My heart ballooned, feeling premature hope. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I understand.”

I wasn’t sure how she understood because I sure as hell didn’t.

“I was so scared, but never did I stop loving you, not for one second,” she said. “I wished I could love you a little harder so you could understand how I felt about you.”

She
loved
me? Did she just say she loved me?

“Over the last week, I wanted to see you more than I wanted anything. I was going crazy wondering how you were doing. When you wouldn’t see me . . .”

I closed my lips over hers, swallowing the rest of the words and all the hurt I’d caused her. “I’m sorry,” I repeated over and over on her lips. “I tried, April. I tried to resist falling for you because I thought it was what was best for you. But seeing you now, I just can’t deny it anymore. It might be selfish, and I might hurt you again, but I can’t do this without you. I have no idea what I’m doing. There’s Robbie . . .”

“He’ll be okay,” she said, that smile I loved on her face. “He’s been wonderful since we brought him home. Even if he has a hard time at first with the news, he’ll come around.”

“But do you want to do this, April? Not only do I come with a whole lot of emotional baggage, now I come with a child, too.”

April caressed down my neck and shoulders, stopping on my forearms. “I love you, Beau Anderson. You don’t have to say it back. I don’t expect that, but I want you to know that no matter what, I love you. Whether you leave me standing in here alone, or you take me into your life right there in the living room, I love you. I’m yours. Nothing you can do or say will change that.”

I stared at her, blinking as I processed her words. Here I was, this messed up man who had gone clinically insane in front of her, and she was declaring her love for
me
. I thought back to what Dr. Knight had said, coupled with the doctors and Natalie, and I knew what I’d been feeling all along. Even though I’d denied it, wanted to ignore it, and wanted to push her away forever with the thought I was doing what was best for her.

She took my silence as something entirely different than it was, and she tried to step around me. I held on to her, not letting her pass. “April.” I stopped her. I framed her face with both my cast and my free hand, forcing her to meet my gaze. “I thought I’d come here and end things with you. I thought it was what was best for both of us after what I put you through. But I can’t do it, April, because I love you, too. That scares the hell out of me and I’m not sure I know what I’m doing, but I love you.”

She gasped, and I swallowed it with my lips, taking her the way I’d wanted to since I first laid eyes on her hours before. My tongue dipped into her mouth, and I pressed her against the counter, my desire for her evident as I devoured her. She met me kiss for kiss, tongue for tongue as we reconnected, pouring all our pent up feelings and anxiety into each other.

When I pulled back, April was beaming. “Do you . . . really mean it?”

I laughed, and she gasped again, her hand to her mouth. “What?”

“I love hearing you laugh,” she said. “It’s beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you. And I mean every word. Now, will you do me the honor of joining me as I tell my son he’s mine?”

She nodded, a shy look on her face as she wrapped her arm around mine. I sensed her eyes on me the entire time we walked, but I all of a sudden felt invincible.

When April and I walked hand in hand into the living room, Natalie’s face lit up. Robbie noticed and smiled at us, too, wondering what he was missing. I could tell he didn’t get why Natalie was so happy.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.” I settled next to Robbie again. Natalie had gotten up and was now sitting across from us. April sat on the other side of Robbie so we were surrounding him. I put my arm on the back of the couch and April laced her fingers with mine behind Robbie.

I heard a small sob, and I turned to Natalie. She waved me away, holding her hand over her mouth to keep herself controlled.

I turned back to Robbie. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Robbie tipped his face up so he was looking directly into mine. My heart skipped a beat as I saw myself in his eyes. “First, I wanted to say how sorry I am that I got upset the last time I saw you. I wasn’t myself that day.”

He nodded. “I get it. Remember, I told you I feel that way sometimes, too?”

I released April’s hand so I could touch Robbie’s instead. He didn’t flinch, so I took it as a good sign. “Yes, I know you do. I try hard for that not to happen, but it sometimes does. I wanted you to know I’m sorry, and I hope you realize it had nothing to do with you.”

“I know,” he said with the maturity of a much older person. “You don’t have to say sorry to me. Is that why you had to go to the hospital?”

“Yes.” I wanted to be honest with him, always. He deserved that much. “But I’m much better now.”

“Is that what you wanted to talk to me about? You don’t have to worry about me. I’m okay. Why did April bring me here? Do I get to stay here, or do I have to go to another home?”

“No, Robbie, you aren’t going anywhere. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

I caught April’s gaze and she nodded in silent encouragement.

“You know how you said your mom was looking for your dad, and you never knew who he was?”

Robbie nodded, confusion written all over his face.

I cleared my throat. “Well, we still don’t understand what you were doing in the Orlando area, but we know who she was looking for before she . . . she . . .”

“Died,” Robbie filled in for me. “You know where my dad is?” His eyes were as wide as saucers as he waited for me to continue.

This was it. I was going to change my son’s life forever, right here in this moment. I hoped he wouldn’t hate me for it, but I couldn’t guarantee he would love me, either.

“I do.” I shifted my body so I was facing him. April’s hand caressed my forearm, still resting on the back of the couch, as she waited for the words to spill from my mouth. “About ten years ago, I met a woman named Robyn at the place where I worked. We became friends.”

Robbie’s mouth opened but then closed again. He tipped his head to the side, his mind racing to figure out what I meant by that, so I continued.

“One day, she just left, and I never saw her again. I had no idea what happened to her or where she went. And then . . . I saw the picture you carried with you.”

“You knew my mom?” Robbie whispered, wringing his hands in his lap. “You were friends a long time ago before I was born?”