Snow Bound: The Complete Story (18 page)

"You're doing very well, Love," she said. "Good girl. Almost done."

A few minutes later she capped the pen. "Not perfect," she said, blowing against my skin. "But not bad. Do you want to see it?"

"Yes."

She leaned over and looked into my face, grinning impishly.

"You may wriggle your ass around for a while. I'll be right back."

She was only gone for a minute or two and came back with her camera and computer.

"Oh no!"

She set the computer down, then I heard her taking pictures. She took several before sitting down on the floor in front of me. She was grinning widely. "I'm keeping these, Allison." She plugged her camera into the laptop to download the photos, then reviewed them. I couldn't see yet. Finally she turned the computer around so I could see.

I stared at the screen. "It's us."

She smiled.

She had drawn two women, clearly women with exaggerated curves. One had wild hair. She was standing, holding a leash attached to the woman kneeling in front of her, wearing nothing but a collar. I stared at the screen. She was looking up at my face.

"It's not really permanent," she said. "Fingernail polish remover would remove it. Otherwise it will fade after several days of normal washing. Do you want me to remove it?"

"No," I said.

She smiled and rose to her feet. She began caressing me again. She pressed on the plug, still inserted on me, and I squirmed. "Who do you belong to?"

"You!"

She pressed on it again, causing me to squirm.

"Who do you obey?"

"You!"

"Good girl," she said. "I bet you're getting stiff."

"Yes."

She began slowly pulling the plug out of me.

"Oh, oh, oh," I said. It wasn't very comfortable on the way out.

"I'm sorry," she said. I felt it slide the rest of the way out. She walked into the bathroom and I heard running water for a minute or two before she returned. She kissed my left foot and untied it, then walked around and did the same with the right. She untied me from the bed but kept my arms bound.

"I'm not ready to let you go entirely, Allison." She wrapped her arms around me and helped me lie down on my side, my arms still bound behind me. "Will you be okay for a while longer?"

"A while," I said.

She climbed up on the bed, grabbed some pillows, then lay down on her back and pulled me to her. With my head on her shoulder, she began caressing me gently.

"Is this okay, just for a few minutes?"

"Yes, Sarah," I told her. "But I wish I could hold you."

She caressed me for a minute or two before she said quietly, "I have a fantasy."

"Oh?"

"Of me letting you do to me what I just spent the last ninety minutes doing to you."

"Ohhh." I thought about it.

"Right now, I would freak out badly. So the fantasy is being able to enjoy it. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

She held me for another minute, petting me, then she slipped away from me and began untying my arms. It took her several minutes. As soon as my arms were free, I wrapped them around her and held her tightly. She settled back to the bed with me and we cuddled quietly.

* * *

We both fell asleep for a while.

Sarah woke first She kissed my forehead and brushed my cheek, waking me up. "Would you like to go skiing again?"

"Yes."

We slid out of bed. I went to the bathroom and checked her handiwork in the mirror. It was actually kind of cute, but I felt a little embarrassed at the same time. I stepped back out. Sarah was picking up the room.

"I feel a little silly," I told her.

"Silly is good for you," she said. "It's easy to take ourselves too seriously."

I walked over to her and stared at her. "Does that mean you'll let me draw something on your bottom?"

"Can you draw?" She grinned.

"Not fair," I muttered.

She reached out and grabbed my chin. "Are you really upset or playing with me?"

"Playing with you."

She smiled. "Good. I'm drawing on the other cheek later."

I laughed.

* * *

We skied for an hour. Sarah let me set the pace and skied next to me. It was invigorating, even in the cold air. I only fell over a couple of times, and both times were quite silly.

When we got back to the cabin, I told her, "Thank you. I never would have done this. I think I'm hooked."

I made dinner. We cuddled together on the sofa afterwards, talking quietly. It was late when we went to bed.

* * *

Sunday morning I woke first. I extricated myself from Sarah and used the bathroom. I discovered I was wide awake. She was still asleep, so I closed the bedroom door and went down the hall to my little office.

I logged onto my computer and did some research.

I was strictly a relationship counselor. I had a degree in counseling psychology, but it was fifteen years old. I did my continuing education work on areas directly related to the work I did. I hadn't kept up on modern techniques for treatment of adults who had been abused as children.

I couldn't treat Sarah, of course. We were in a relationship. But I could collect some information and refer her to an appropriate colleague. I printed out some information and emailed, Karen, a colleague who specialized in cases like Sarah's. I didn't share any details, just that I had someone who needed her expertise, and could I arrange an appointment for early in the week.

Then I started making breakfast.

Sarah came stumbling out of the bedroom to the smell of the bacon. She was wearing another pair of my panties and one of my tee-shirts.

"Good morning!"

"You weren't there," she said quietly.

"I was wide awake and decided to let you sleep."

She didn't say anything but accepted the cup of tea I handed her. "I was about to get you. Breakfast is almost ready."

"You're awfully cheerful," she said.

"I have something to show you after breakfast."

She set the tea down and wandered back into the bedroom. She returned several minutes later, dressed and looking more awake. Her hair was brushed, although still unruly. "I've been slacking on your meditation," she said, smiling at me. "We'll remedy that later."

"I'd like that. If you sit down, I can serve you."

"I like the sound of that," she said, leering at me.

We talked quietly over breakfast. When we were done, I cleaned up while she drank her tea.

"Meditation time," she said when I came back.

"Actually," I said. "I want to show you something first. I just need a couple of minutes."

"All right."

I went back to my office. I'd gotten a reply email from Karen. She was offering Tuesday morning at eleven or Thursday at four. I wrote back and thanked her, accepting the Tuesday appointment. I gathered all the papers and went to find Sarah. She was sitting in the living room. I sat down next to her.

"I did some research," I told her.

"Research?"

I nodded. "I'm a relationship counselor." I explained. She stared at me. I handed her the material I had collected. "I can't treat you myself, of course, but you have an appointment Tuesday with a colleague. You're going to love her."

She stared at me for a moment, stared at my smiling face, and I saw a complicated look of fear, horror, and self-hate climb into her face all at once.

"I didn't tell you what I told you because I wanted you to start treating me," she said quietly. "I told you so you would understand. That's all." Her voice started to rise. "That's all! If I wanted a fucking psychologist, I damned well know how to find one! If I wanted a referral, I could have called my fucking psychiatrist mother, and she'd get me every specialist on the planet."

She was screaming now.

"Honey," I said, reaching for her. "I'm just trying to help."

"Don't touch me!" she screamed, pulling away. "Oh god, I'm so STUPID! I knew you couldn't do this. Stupid, stupid, stupid!"

She jumped to her feet and ran to the bedroom.

I got off the sofa and followed her.

"Honey," I said again. "You need help."

"Stay away from me!" she screamed. I stepped into the bedroom. She was hopping out of her jeans.

"Honey?"

She pulled the panties off she was wearing -- my panties -- and threw them at me.

"You were helping! You were giving me hope! And you just stole it!"

"Honey, it's not like that."

She reached down and grabbed her jeans, then picked up her computer and camera, still in the bedroom from yesterday.

"Get out of my way! Don't touch me!"

She tried to step past me, and I grabbed her.

"No! No! No! Let me go!" She struggled from my grip then ran past me. I ran after her and found her stuffing her computer and camera into their bags.

"Please, Sarah," I said. "Calm down."

"You just gave up the right to tell me what to do! I'm leaving!"

"You're over reacting," I said in my calm voice, the one I used with spouses that had become heated with each other.

"I'm so stupid! I knew you wouldn't just accept it my way. I knew this was too good to be true. Stupid, stupid, stupid."

I suddenly realized she really intended to leave. I ran around to stand in front of her. "Sarah, please calm down." I held my hands out. "Let's talk about this."

"Get out of my way. Right now!" She feinted right then dashed around me on the left, carrying her computer, camera and jeans. I chased her out to the laundry room. "Don't touch me!"

I ran and stood in front of the door to the garage, my back to it. I watched as she set her computer and camera on the washer and went digging through her backpack. She pulled out several pairs of my undies and threw them at me, then finally found a pair of her own and pulled them on.

"Sarah, I'm sorry, please, you need help."

"Shut up!"

She pulled her jeans on.

"You shouldn't try to do this on your own. Karen is a good therapist."

"You had no right! You ruined everything, oh god, Allison! You ruined everything!"

She closed her backpack, tugging on the straps angrily, then grabbed her hiking boots and pulled them on, lacing them. She picked up her backpack and slung it over her shoulders, then grabbed her computer and camera bags and turned to me.

"Get. Out. Of. My. Way."

"Sarah, you're in no shape to drive."

"You don't get to judge that! Get out of my way!"

"Sarah, please." I started crying. "Please don't go like this."

"This is your fault. Get the fuck out of my way. God, I'm so fucking STUPID!"

"No you're not, but you need help."

"Shut up! Fuck! Get out of my way! Allison, I swear, get out of my way!"

"No. You're in no shape to drive."

She turned around and stomped to the kitchen. I followed her but was too late to stop her on the way to the knife drawer.

"No no no! Sarah!"

She pointed the knife at me and I backed away from her.

"You don't want to hurt me," I said, now scared. Her look was wild.

"Stay the fuck out of my way!"

She slid past me, the knife pointed in my direction, and backed up into the laundry room. She backed up to the door to the garage, then slammed the knife onto the washer before dashing out the door, hitting the door opener on the way past it.

"Sarah! You can't drive like this!" I yelled, chasing after her.

"Stay away from me!"

She threw everything into her car. I grabbed her and tried to pull her into a hug, but she started screaming and keening at the same time. It was the most horrible sound I've ever heard.

"Let me go!" Keen. "Let me go!" Keen. She struggled to get away, and I dropped my hands from her.

She climbed into her car and started it.

"Sarah! I'm sorry! Please, don't leave like this."

She made a rude gesture at me then began backing out of the garage. She turned around and roared off down my driveway. I fell to my knees as she drove off.

* * *

I stayed there on the cold garage floor, crying and screaming her name. I don't know how long.

She didn't come back.

The cold eventually drove me back into the house. I left the garage door open in case she came back.

I finally stopped crying. At five I called Emily.

"How's the weekend going?"

"I'll be there in four hours," I told her, then hung up.

I taped a note for Sarah on the back door, in case she came back, then began the long drive to Emily's.

No More Snow

I ran. And ran. And ran. It took three days before I was in Arizona. I would have kept going, but I would have run out of money. Gas was expensive.

Self-deprecating Sarah and Scared Sarah took turns at the wheel. Scared Sarah just ran. Self-deprecating Sarah helped her run while screaming, "I'm so stupid!" over and over. Somehow throughout all of it, I managed to avoid doing anything too self-damaging.

I'd been so stupid to think I could keep her submissive. I slept in one morning and that's all it took. I knew better. I knew she'd be just like every other shrink. They all thought they knew so much more about what someone needed.

I didn't need that kind of help.

I just needed to learn to trust someone again.

I needed to learn I could be vulnerable and not be betrayed.

How stupid.

Angry Sarah and Vengeful Sarah both tried to make appearances, but I managed to shove both of them back into their holes. Competent Sarah made appearances only when I was so tired and needed to set up a campsite somewhere.

I bought a month's worth of food, using most of the rest of my money. I found a national forest, located a secluded area, and set up camp. I hid there for two weeks before Competent Sarah was able to wrest firm control away from Self-Deprecating Sarah. It was a Wednesday, late in the afternoon, shortly before sunset. I sat on the ground, staring at my arms.

The cuts would heal.

I hadn't done that in a very long time.

I cried.

I cried for the years of emotional healing, all out the window, judging by the evidence on my arms.