So Much It Hurts (23 page)

The school was buzzing with excitement about our annual Winter Formal. Flyers lined the hallway. Girls chatted about their new dresses. Guys bragged about the car their dad, uncle, or grandfather was going to let them drive. I could really care less. All I knew was that Trevor was going to the dance with Eva and I would try, at all costs, to avoid them both. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go at all, especially since I would be going alone.

One Saturday afternoon, my mom begged to take me dress shopping. Since I had hoped to iron out the wrinkles in our relationship, I agreed to go. She seemed excited. I was just happy to not have to spend another Saturday alone. We spent nearly two hours looking at dresses until I finally found the perfect one. Not too flashy, it was a strapless, T-length red dress with a simple red silk ribbon just below the bust line. A single diamond-like stone sparkled in the center of the ribbon—perfect. I felt like Audrey Hepburn in that dress. The Winter Formal seemed to get a little more exciting that day.

I sat quietly on my bed the night of the formal. I debated with myself on whether or not to go. I dreaded going alone. While I knew I would not be the only single person there, it still didn’t make it any easier. Just then, my dad softly knocked at my door.

“Come in,” I squeaked, sounding like a hopeless cause.

“Sweetheart, you look stunning!” my dad beamed as he opened my door.

“Thanks, Dad,” I glanced down, embarrassed, and nervously smoothed out invisible wrinkles on my dress. “I’m not even sure I plan to go.” I continued looking shamefully at the floor, feeling defeated.

“Listen, Kaitlyn,” my dad began as he sat down on the bed beside me, “I know these last few months have been hard on you. But, it’s like I’ve always told you, sometimes you gotta pick yourself up by your boot straps and keep going. Now, you get out there, hold your head high, and enjoy your senior formal. You only get this opportunity once in your life.”

I glanced up at him glaring down at me like a young child being scolded for sneaking cookies from the cookie jar. “I know, Dad, but—”

“But nothing, young lady,” he interrupted. “Here are the keys to the Mercedes,” he said as he handed me the silver keychain with a smile. “Take care of her. Now, get out there and have a great time.”

“Okay,” I nodded meekly, but tried to sound enthusiastic as he pulled me to my feet. “Thanks, Dad,” I said as I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed down the stairs. My dad never let anyone ever drive his pride and joy, so having the keys to his Mercedes in my hand was a real treat.

Parked outside the building, I took a few deep breaths. The Formal was almost over. I had timed it perfectly. “Okay, Kaitlyn, you can do this,” I told myself. Hesitantly, I stepped out of the car and watched as a group of couples whirled past me in a rainbow of colors. “Just a few minutes…you can handle just a few minutes,” I tried to convince myself. I fumbled with the keys and slipped them into my handbag while I walked anxiously toward the door.

The music was thumping and voices were buzzing as I stepped into the room. A sea of colors bounced and flashed in the center of the room on the dance floor. I took a minute to survey the room. A few students mingled near the buffet table, munching on finger foods; they seemed lost in conversations. I spotted Allison and Eric in the middle of the dance floor. I made a beeline toward the food table in an effort to avoid them. Pouring myself some punch, I tried to blend into the crowd. Just then, the music slowed and more couples started gathering on the dance floor. I thought I was successfully camouflaging myself among the tacky decorations and streamers when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

“Would you like to dance?”

I turned around to see a tall and lanky, blue eyed, blond haired guy staring at me.

“Hi,” he said shyly. “I’m Michael.”

“I’m Kaitlyn.”

“Nice to meet you.” He stuck his hand out awkwardly.
Really? Teenagers don’t shake hands, do they? Kinda dorky, but I’ll go with it.
I reached out to shake it.

“Nice to meet you, too,” I said with a chuckle.

“About that dance, would you do me the honor?”

Apathetically shrugging my shoulders, I responded with, “Sure. Why not?”

Michael led me out onto the dance floor. The disco ball cast millions of twinkling lights across the faces of the students dancing in the middle of the room.

“So,” Michael asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist, “what’s a beautiful girl like you doing here at the Formal all alone?”

“It’s a long story,” I sighed. I looked up into his deep, blue eyes. Something about them seemed honest—safe. I let myself relax a little. “I almost didn’t show up tonight.”

“Well, I’m glad you did,” he smiled down at me with a crooked grin, “or I would still be standing alone by the punch bowl.”

I glanced over at the group of socially awkward students hovering by the buffet tables. “Yeah, me too,” I agreed.

He laughed. I laughed. We danced through three more songs, talking and laughing.

The rest of the night seemed pretty okay after all.

“So,” Michael asked nervously as he walked me to my car at the end of the evening, “I’d love to take you out sometime. Like maybe on a real date?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Great! Can I call you sometime?”

“Sure,” I said a little more passionately than I had when he had first asked me to dance.

I found a pen in my dad’s console and wrote my screen name and phone number on Michael’s hand.

“Cool. Thanks,” he said, looking down at his hand and smiling.

“Thank you for helping to make the Winter Formal not suck so bad.”

“You’re welcome...I think.”

I just grinned at him and hopped into the Mercedes. I drove away that night with the smile still plastered on my face. It was the first time in three months I had felt genuinely happy.

Who knew that Chris would pop up eight years later and throw a kink in the life I had built for myself since he left?

Bumping into Chris during Girls’ Weekend at the Beach, after I hadn’t seen him in eight long years, had completely thrown me for a loop.

My mind had been reeling all night. I finally climbed out of bed around sunrise to go for a walk on the beach. Hopefully the therapeutic sound of the crashing waves would help soothe my battered heart. Rehashing every detail of my past with my friends the night before had pushed my emotional stamina to its limits. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown. I pulled on my swimsuit and grabbed my cover-up on my way out of the bedroom. The rest of the girls stayed asleep while I tiptoed through the condo. I carefully opened the front door, hoping not to wake anyone. The warm blast of salty air against my face immediately assuaged my frazzled nerves. Squinting my eyes, the sun seemed to pierce my pupils while they tried to adjust to the sudden brightness after having been cooped up in the condo with the curtains drawn. I quickly made my way to the stairwell and nearly skipped down them to get to my morning ‘therapy session.’

The sparkling sand squished between my toes while I walked; it was a comforting feeling, like my favorite pair of slippers back home. The warm heat of the sand radiated across my skin on the pads of my feet. It sure beat stepping on the occasional tiny building brick that Eli had left laying out on the hardwood floor. I walked toward the pier in the distance, searching for take home worthy shells along the way. The tide was on its way out, exposing plenty of shells that had washed up overnight. Most of them were broken fragments, but I had gathered a few whole shells in my pockets. I was reaching down for another handful when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant orange blur ran up to me and tackled me. I tumbled to the ground, along with my collection of shells.

“Hey!” I yelled, just as a wet slimy tongue licked the side of my face.

“Whoa, Jasper!” a bellowing voice called in the distance.

I laughed. The golden retriever only wanted a few sloppy kisses before he bounced off me and pounced around in front of me, begging for attention. “Hey, boy,” I chuckled as I petted his sandy, wet fur. He sat down on his haunches; his tail propelled globs of pasty sand across my face. I tried to stand up, just as another hand reached down to help me.

“So sorry about my dog.” I immediately recognized Chris’s voice as he grabbed my hand to rescue me from the catapulting sand bullets.

I looked up; dark eyes stared down at me. His windblown hair spiked all over the place in a sexy hot mess. His muscles were taut while grasping my hand and pulling me up. “Oh my god, Kaitlyn. I didn’t realize it was you. I’m so sorry,” he apologized, reaching his hand to my cheek to try to wipe away the sticky sand. “But, I’m really glad I ran into you this morning.”

I shivered at the touch of his skin on my cheek. Closing my eyes, I relished the tingle of his fingers on my jaw line. The proximity of his body to mine sent heat waves pulsing through my body, as I took a deep breath of his rough, masculine scent. “Me too,” I concurred. Jasper continued to lick my hand and wag his entire rear end as fast as he could to get more attention. Attempting to change the subject, I said, “I guess this is
your
dog.”

“Yeah, I was just taking him out for a jog before the sun gets too hot. I imagine all that fur is like living in a furnace. My roommates ask me all the time why I keep a long haired dog at the beach.”

“Oh, you live around here?”

He pointed farther down the shore. “Yeah, just a few blocks north of here. Jasper just likes to keep me company on my morning runs. Apparently, he likes to tackle beautiful women, too,” Chris winked.

A nervous giggle escaped my mouth. I leaned down to scratch Jasper behind his ears, “You were just being friendly, weren’t you buddy?” Jasper barked in response and ran toward the water, splashing in the surf.

Chris chuckled while he watched Jasper nip at the tiny schools of fish swimming in the shallow waves. “Where are you guys staying?” he asked.

“Sand Dunes Village,” I replied.

“Oh okay. After I give Jasper a bath, maybe I can swing by and pick you up. We can go have lunch or something.”

“I don’t know…” I hesitated. My mind refused to allow me to think of having a date with Chris.

“Well, if you’re not comfortable with that, maybe I could just drop by and say hi.”

I nodded. “Sure, that sounds great.”

Dropping by to say hi was innocent enough, right?

Jasper ran up to Chris and shook his soaked fur all over us. I didn’t mind the cool spray of water. It seemed to extinguish the spark that had momentarily ignited between us.

Chris laughed. “I’d better get this drowned rat home and get him cleaned up. My roommates are going to kill me.” His deep voice reverberated in his chest, more hearty and masculine than in high school, but a gentle reminder of the same laugh that coated my soul with happiness years ago.

“Okay,” I nodded again as I pushed a strand of my matted wet hair behind my ear.

Chris ran his hand through his own windblown hair. Eyeing me from head to toe, he slowly shook his head at me.

“What?” I asked innocently, suddenly aware of every imperfection in his line of sight. Glancing at my toes that dug nervously in the sand as if they were trying to find a place for me to hide, I twisted the knotted strand of hair around my index finger.

“God, you’re beautiful…just like I remember you.” With that remark, he smiled, turned around, and jogged off with Jasper eagerly racing ahead of him.

I stood there watching him run away while my heart fluttered in my chest.

Get a grip, Kaitlyn. This can’t happen, whatever this is…

I nearly floated back to our condo replaying Chris’s words over and over in my mind. Being told I was beautiful seemed to fill a void I never even realized existed until he said it. The adoration I felt from Chris seemed foreign to me, but I liked it. Most of the time when I stepped out of the bathroom and asked Michael if I looked okay, he usually responded with, “You look fine. Now come on, we’re almost late.”

Hearing, ‘God, you’re beautiful’ swelled my heart, especially coming from a man with whom I was once hopelessly in love. I guess I just never realized how amazing it felt to be told I looked beautiful. I practically skipped down the boardwalk when I reached our resort. Cloud Nine was a wonderful place from which to view the world.