Someone to Love (18 page)

Those words were a wound that opened in my ears and reached down to my chest. I went through the various explanations, but in any hypothetical scenario only anger dominated. I couldn't help myself. I would have to face him.

I knocked with my knuckles on the wall. Alberto turned, surprised and startled by my sudden appearance. “You were quick, come here.”

When I looked into his eyes I knew the truth. He came closer and lay the palm of his hand on my cheek. I struggled and refrained from slapping him. He deserved it, but a part of me was pleased not to have done it.

“You and I need to talk, Alberto. Or would you rather I call you sweetheart?”

I wished I had never met him.

“You heard everything, right?”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Mia, let me explain. I would have told you…”

I shook my head in disgust. I staggered and Alberto took another step toward me.

I stared at him in amazement. “You don't expect me to believe you… stop fucking about with me!” I said categorically. Silence. I swallowed my tears as you do with a bitter medicine.

“But I never promised you anything.”

Disappointment pierced me. “What did you need? A signed document? I can't believe it! I thought you were the right person to open myself to again. Is this normal behaviour for you? It was my right to know that there was another woman in your life… What am I for you? A whim? And then, finding out like this… I think I deserve a little respect.”

Everything seemed unreal. I didn't want any more excuses because everything was clear now.

“Why are you women always like this? You take every man's behaviour, analyse it and transform it into something it isn't. Now, I don't want you to think I fucked about with you.”

Obviously, I hadn't learned the lesson yet. “I can't even pronounce what I think about you. You used me! You made me believe that I was special for you, you courted me. How could you? I trusted you, and you know how hard it was for me to let go.”

My mind refused to believe any word that came out of his mouth. My heart did the same.

“There was a voice inside me telling me that you were the right one. But, I lacked the courage to end my old relationship.” The expression on his face was impassive.

“And do you still hear that voice?”

Alberto looked at me as if I'd asked a trick question. “Maybe it was just an illusion.”

“You know what? I may make an endless series of mistakes and pick the wrong men, but at least I never play with other people's feelings. I might hurt myself, but I prefer to be like this than to be like you.”

“We all make mistakes.”

“Bullshit, listen.” I sighed. “You know what hurts me the most? Not that you have another woman, but the idea that you have of me. I'm really not that kind of woman.”

“Mia, I'm sure you won't struggle to find someone else.”

What frightened me the most was the calmness with which he spoke those words.

I gasped. “Get out of my house, immediately.”

Alberto hesitated, undecided what to do. “Calm down first, please.”

“Immediately.” I had exhausted my stock of self-control.

“I'm leaving, Mia, don't worry.”

Alberto walked towards the door without looking back. His every step was a blow to the centre of my heart.

*

I drove in silence, oblivious to the outside world.

“Earth calling Mia! I've been talking to you for ten minutes. Are you a little off colour or is it just my imagination?” asked Fiamma.

I snorted. “I was listening to the song,” I said apologetically.

“The radio has never been turned on. What's the matter?”

“I don't know. Nothing, nothing's happened.”

“Don't lie,” she insisted. “I can recognize a lie a mile away. And your cheeks turn red when you lie.”

I smiled, I knew very well they did. “If I told you, I would be the laughing stock of the clinic.”

She put her hand on my leg. “Some secrets will not leave my mouth. They are safe with me, and you know it,” she assured me.

“Don't insist, I'll never tell you.”

“I'm trying to communicate with you and let you vent, and this is the reward? You're really ungrateful,” joked Fiamma.

“Okay, okay… I give up!” I blurted out, continuing to drive. I looked at her and took a deep breath. “Alberto…” I whispered.

“Who?”

“Alberto,” I said impatiently.

“Don't keep me in suspense,” she said with a serious expression. “So, what did he do? Because I'm sure it's all his fault.”

“He went to bed with me and he's with another woman.”

Fiamma shook her head. “Why are you so certain? When I saw you yesterday it seemed that things were going well. I never would have imagined—”

“I know, but things escalated at my house. Go on, tell me that I should have known.”

“Oh, Mia, I'm so sorry. He seemed a good guy.”

“I am beginning to think that I'm the real problem,” I mumbled miserably. “I'll stick with Bubu, he really is a good guy.”

“Bullshit. I'd make him pay for it.”

“Sure, and how? I don't like retaliation, and anyway, what would I gain?”

“Just think that you've interrupted your period of chastity, and you had good sex with him. Alberto is a fascinating man, but there are many others around, like Diego for example.”

My eyes widened and, losing my patience I said. “Fiamma, are we here to talk about my problem or to gossip about Diego?”

“Come on! Stop tormenting yourself. We must have a drink. It will help you forget.”

“All right, but this time we're not going to Controvento.” I was determined not to give any importance to a man who had no respect for people.

*

I parked and, before getting out, I looked at myself in the mirror. I put on some lipstick.

Bubu stood up, waiting to get out of the boot. When I opened it, he hit me with all his exuberance. Every time I looked at him he really seemed able to communicate with me and make me share his enthusiasm. He looked around, scrutinizing every detail and listening to the sounds around him.

“Are you ready?” I asked, as if he really could reply.

He just looked into my eyes and began to pull hard towards the hospital garden.

I took a few steps before stopping in my tracks. “Oh God!” I exclaimed.

There they were. The children didn't notice my presence immediately and continued to chat and to play indifferently. Behind them I saw the adults sitting on benches, conversing intently with one another. I also recognized Gemma, who was flipping through a magazine distractedly.

As soon as he saw me, Lukas jumped up and ran as fast as he could towards me. “You came! You came!” he yelled, waving his arms.

“Sure! I promised,” I said, hugging him tightly.

He kissed my cheek, then concentrated on Bubu, who had begun to run round in circles like a crazy top. He reared up on its hind legs and put his front paws on Lukas, whimpering joyfully.

The little boy nearly fell to the ground. “But he's beautiful! Is he yours?” he asked, as his fingers ran along the dog's back.

I nodded. “His name's Bubu.” I took his little hand and continued walking towards the small group of friends.

Bubu scrutinized every person and whimpered with desire to reach the children and play with them.

“Hello, do you remember me?” said Martina, patting my leg. Her brightly coloured clothing set her apart from the other children.

I bent down on my knees to talk to her. “Of course. You look great with this pink bandana!” I exclaimed, tickling her neck.

Martina gave me a beaming smile and ran to hide behind her mother's legs, peering at me from behind them.

Within seconds, I found myself surrounded by joyfully excited children. The parents threw me a look of approval.

“Hello, everyone! I've brought a new guest today,” I said, greeting them with a nod.

“And Casper?” asked Martina, with melancholy.

“He's not here today, but he'll be back to visit you soon. Bubu insisted so much on coming to meet you. He told me so himself,” I said with a wink.

Bubu sat up and wagged his tail raising tufts of green grass.

“Dogs don't talk,” Lukas snorted, raising his eyes to heaven.

“Yes, they do. It's you who doesn't understand Doggish.” muttered Martina, sulking.

Everyone burst out laughing, and I put my hand on her shoulder. “You speak Doggish?” I asked, feigning astonishment. “It's a very difficult language,” I said, congratulating her.

Martina turned to her mother, reached into her bag, and collected a small object that she hid in her little hand, then came back to us. “Now you'll see!” she exclaimed happily. “Bubu, sit,” she said, pointing to the ground with her index finger.

My dog was a skilled listener and was really obedient when it came to bargaining for food. He sat down at once, showing his tongue.

“Gently…” murmured the little girl, handing him a biscuit.

Very gently, Bubu took it with his teeth and devoured it.

My mind wandered back in time to that cold and rainy evening. The call that woke me up in the middle of the night, making me jump out of bed while an unknown voice informed me of an abandoned litter.

I had grabbed the first shirt I found and a pair of jeans. There was no time.

That night I saved Bubu.

He wasn't just a dog, he was
my
dog. Bubu was beauty without ostentation and strength without ferocity. He had the tenacity and the indestructibility of a rock, but with the lightness of a feather. A wonderful creature given to make me a better person.

A round of applause accompanied Martina's movement. Lukas was the only one to cross his arms and throw her a sulky look.

“When I grow up I want to do Mia's job,” said the little girl, tickling Bubu's chest.

He turned three hundred and sixty degrees and then rolled onto his back, belly up.

“Oh, sure, you'll be very good!” I said brightly.

“Do you know that I'll have a new heart soon? I'm the second on the list, and Mummy said it was a good thing.”

I looked over Martina's shoulders and I recognized that gaze full of love.

Martina turned, hearing a strangled sob. “Mum? Why are you crying?” she asked, going to sit next to her. “I'm not crying”, said her mother. “I just got something in my eye, can you see it?” she raised her eyelid with her fingers and showed her daughter.

Martina blew gently in her eye and smiled. “There we are, Mum! Everything's gone now,” she commented, stealing a kiss and joining me.

“I'm sure the doctors are taking so long because it's not easy to find a perfect heart,” I said. “They have to be sure to choose the right one for you.”

The girl pursed her lips and nodded. “Finally I'll be able to go home. It's so boring here, but I'm much happier since you've started coming.”

I mustered all my strength to fight back the tears that were pressing to spill out of my half-closed eyes. How could these children cause me such intense emotions?

“Martina tells the truth,” confirmed Lukas. “Nothing ever happens in this hospital, we always do the same things. Why didn't you come before?”

I sat down on the grass and stroked Bubu. “It's not my fault. I have a job that takes up a lot of time and I can't always come and see you. For now, we have to settle with these few meetings, but I want to make you a promise. I'll try to do some magic and find more afternoons to spend with you.”

Martina applauded loudly and ran off, re-appearing several minutes later dragging a big man with silver hair, but a still youthful manner. “He's my grandfather, Giuseppe. He lives in the countryside and has a house full of animals!” she exclaimed, jumping for joy.

I shook his hand. “Pleased to meet you, Giuseppe. You have a fantastic granddaughter.” I complimented him.

The man smiled. “She's my life.” He lifted her into the air effortlessly.

“Uh, Grandpa! It's very high here. I can touch the sky!” cried the little girl with a raised finger, moving it in the air. “Look Grandpa! I can tickle the clouds.”

“And what do they look like?” he asked, putting her on his shoulders.

Martina held tightly to her grandfather's neck. “A little rabbit eating a carrot,” she began, laughing.

“I think it's a butterfly,” he objected.

The girl snorted. “But, Grandpa… you don't understand anything!” she said, scolding him like a school teacher.

I had heard the beginning of that speech so many times… I would have given anything to still have my grandparents by my side and not feel so alone.

Gemma touched my arm, interrupting my thoughts. “You know, Mia,” she said, with a sigh, “you have performed a miracle. I haven't seen Lukas so happy for a long time. You should bring them more often, these dogs, because they really boost their mood,” she concluded, turning to the other parents.

“Martina doesn't talk about anything else, and Giulio's mum says the same thing. Today she had something to do, but after the first meeting Giulio wouldn't stop pointing at every dog he met, and smiling.”

“I didn't do anything special,” I whispered, looking down.

Gemma denied it. “You've done a lot more. The nurse said that Lukas' appetite has come back. And all thanks to you.”

I felt so emotional I couldn't find the words to thank her.

“I just did what anyone else would have done,” I said, avoiding her gaze to conceal the embarrassment.

I didn't have time to say any more because Gemma's arms hugged me hard. She buried her face in the crook of my neck and choked back a sob. With an involuntary gesture my hand moved and slid down her back.

“Everything will be ok, everything will be ok,” I murmured softly.