Something Had to Give (46 page)

“You and Brandon can go if you want, but I’m not feeling it. I just don’t feel like pretending today.”

In an instant I felt annoyed and it quickly turned to anger. I wanted to yell and scream. I thought better of that idea though. I didn’t have it in me to go another 12 rounds with him. So, I gave him a simple “okay” as I scooped up my son and his bag and made my way towards the door. As I sat in the driveway, I had no idea where to go. It was Thanksgiving, a day to be with family and be thankful for all we had. I couldn’t show up to Jason’s parents without him. I wanted to drive home to Charlotte, but in my heart I knew if I did that there was a very good chance that we wouldn’t come back. All I wanted was for Jason to come out the house and stop me from leaving. As I leaned my head back on the seat and closed my eyes, I wanted so badly to go back to the night before where I had laughed so hard I thought I was going to wet my pants. A smile came to my face as I thought back to Jason clapping egging on Brandon to bang louder on the pots. For the life of me, I couldn’t think of what could’ve happened overnight to change things. Brandon whining broke me out of my thoughts. We had been sitting too long.

We had breakfast at IHOP with all the other losers who didn’t have families to celebrate the holiday with. Brandon sat there eating his eggs babbling and laughing, completely oblivious to what was going one. Watching him made me smile; it was the only good thing about that morning. I sat there for so long after finishing my meal that Brandon fell asleep. As I sat there holding him, I watched my phone still hoping that Jason would call at any moment to ask for us to come back home. How could he not call? I knew his mom well enough to know that she had called wondering where we were. If he knew that we didn’t go there, why wouldn’t he call and at least check on us? The situation just seemed so messed up. I wondered if it was a sign that it was time to really called it quits with Jason. I was pregnant with his child and it seemingly meant nothing to him. He didn’t care. The more I sat and thought about it, the angrier I got.

Somehow I managed to stay busy the whole day. The movie theatre was open and surprisingly, Brandon sat through the whole movie without crying. Wal-Mart was the only store I could think of that was open so I made that our next stop. Brandon had a ball in the toy section and I let him play until his heart was content. Our next stop was the park in hopes of him tiring himself out and that is exactly what he did. By the time we arrived at Bob Evans for dinner, he was fast asleep. He was resting so peacefully that I just wanted to sit there in the car and let him sleep, but baby girl in my stomach was not in agreement with that plan. The restaurant was pretty much empty which allowed us to be seated and served quickly. I let Brandon sleep while I ate and was then able to get him fed a good amount before he fell back asleep. I didn’t want to go home and face Jason or the miserable life we had created, but I had to get Brandon home and in bed.

I felt sick the whole way home. By the time I pulled into the driveway, I was gulping air to keep from vomiting. I had gone from wishing Jason would call to ask us to come home that morning to wanting to be anywhere but home. The house was dark and quiet and Jason was already in bed despite the fact that it was barely 8pm. I was relieved that I didn’t have to face him; there just were no words. I dragged out the process of putting Brandon to bed just so I could avoid going into our bedroom. I couldn’t deny though, that my body was exhausted and I needed to get some sleep. I tiptoed around the bedroom getting ready for bed even though I was pretty sure that he was still awake. When it came time to finally lie down in bed, I just couldn’t do it. I don’t know how long I stood at the foot at the bed trying to convince my feet and legs to cooperate so I could lie down and rest my weary heart and mind. I couldn’t bring myself to climb into bed and sleep next to that jerk that didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving with his family. After some time, I grabbed a blanket and pillow and headed out to the couch. On my way out the door, Jason’s voice made me stop in my tracks.

“Where are you going?’

I was so tired I didn’t know if I was hearing things or if he was questioning me like he had any right to.

“Cheryl, what are you doing? Come to bed.”

When I realized that I wasn’t imagining things, it hit me how angry I was at him, but I was too tired to even give him any type of response. I made my way to the couch and as I laid my head down, I could still hear Jason talking to me, but either I was too tired or too angry to tune into what he was saying. All I wanted to do was have some peace for the night and rest.

I was having the best sleep that was abruptly interrupted by Jason shaking me.

“Let’s get married today.”

He had to be joking. I was still groggy from waking up so suddenly. All I could do was lay there and stare at him. For sure, he had to be joking. “Jason, I really want to rest before Brandon wakes up and I’m not in the joking mood at 6 in the morning.”

“I’m not joking Cheryl. We can go down to the courthouse right when they open and get married.”

All I could do was sit there and stare at him with a blank face. There was plenty to say, but my mind was focused on how I could have missed out on the fact that this person in front of me, waking me up with nonsense, had mental issues. On a daily basis I was surrounded by people with mental illnesses, I wasn’t sure how I had missed the signs in my own home. It was just too much. I was still tired and my back was sore from sleeping on the couch. Moreover, I was still mad about how Thanksgiving had turned out. There wasn’t a civil way to respond to him. “Jason I’m not in the mood for this foolishness. I’m going back to bed.”

“Come on Cheryl. What’s stopping us? We live together and are about to have our second child together. I know I don’t have a ring yet, but I’m working on that. You can even pick it out.”

“What’s stopping us? Really Jason, is that even a question? Where do I even start? Let’s start with yesterday, which was Thanksgiving. Instead of enjoying a nice meal with family, I drove around all day with my son eating at restaurants. All because you were too stubborn to pull your head out of your ass!”

I was livid to the point that I was yelling and I didn’t even realize it. My yelling woke up Brandon and though it meant that I had to abandon my hopes of getting more sleep, it got me out of the ridiculous conversation that was quickly escalating.

“I don’t know what is going on in your head Jason or what fantasy world you woke up in, but a wedding is not happening today.”

Once I calmed down I realized that my response to Jason’s proposal was harsh. I felt bad because I knew I had hurt him, but I also couldn’t let go of how he had treated me for Thanksgiving. He didn’t even care to check on his son and pregnant girlfriend. I convinced myself that what he did was worse. After two weeks of the silent treatment, I had to get out of that home. Jason hadn’t spoken one word to me since he proposed and wouldn’t even respond when I tried to talk to him about Brandon. He walked around like a sad puppy and the longer it went on, the more annoyed I was with him. What exactly did he expect from me? To jump up and down with excitement when he proposed and say “yes?” He had to know that it wasn’t the right time for us. I didn’t have the desire or energy to baby him. I definitely wasn’t going to apologize; at least not until he apologized to me first. We were both hurt; both stubborn; and it was just too much to deal with. For the sake of Brandon, I told myself I would bear through the miserable days until after the holidays. I put my sole focus on him, which gave me the strength to make it through each day. Each night like clockwork, I counted down the days until I could break free.

∞∞∞

When Christmas came, I felt the most excited than I had in my whole adult life. Jason and I were still not talking and I wasn’t even sure what he had planned for the holidays, but I was excited to be going to visit my family. Shanna was coming also and I was happy to see her, Ingrid, and my parents, but mostly, I was elated to be getting out of Tennessee. I had two weeks off from work, which gave me time to really sit and think about what my next move was going to be. My parents suggested that I move back in with them, at least until after I had the baby. Mommy would be there to help with the kids and it would give me the opportunity to save up money. It made sense and was what I was leaning towards versus being miserable in Tennessee, but I also had to consider Jason. I felt like I had to even though it was hard to determine if it mattered to him if we were there or not. He had completely checked out of his role of being a family man. His self-pity had driven him to not only shut me out, but to ignore Brandon as well. It was to the point that Brandon followed me around everywhere like Jason was no longer there. Even as a baby less than a year old, he obviously picked up on some of what was going on and it made me both nervous and sad that I was subjecting him to such a tense environment. We all needed a fresh start.

Two days before Christmas I loaded up my car in the wee hours of the morning hoping that Brandon would sleep most if not all of the long trip home. As I tiptoed around gathering last minute things, a part of me hoped Jason would wake up and ask to come. Even if he didn’t really want to go, I just wanted to know that he wanted to make up for Thanksgiving and cared about his family. He was in a totally dark place though. Being a family or with his family was the furthest thing from his mind. I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get him. Just as we were about to walk out the door, I shook him gently.

“We are heading out. Do you at least want to say goodbye to Brandon?”

“Bye.”

That was it. I was willing to let go of the fact that he didn’t offer to help his pregnant girlfriend load up the car, but now he was taking it too far. He didn’t ask to hug him or walk him out to the car. He barely opened his eyes when talking to us. At that point his behavior was completely comical. I had to force myself to chuckle at his actions to keep from completely losing it on him. It was like I was dealing with another child that was having yet another temper tantrum. The best thing I could do was walk away and refuse to let him get me upset. Despite everything that was going on at home with Jason, I was determined to make it a good visit and holiday. As I backed out of the driveway and left the neighborhood all I could think about was how I never wanted to come back.

The ride home went better than I expected since Brandon slept most of the way. Once he as awake, we stopped three times to stretch our legs. I thought the drive with a toddler would be the most stressful part of the trip, but as we got closer to my parents’ house, I started to feel both nervous and anxious. I was showing up pregnant with a baby on my hip and my boyfriend was at home. They had refrained from asking questions previously when I told them that Jason wouldn’t be coming with us, but I knew there were questions. How could there not be? If the roles were reversed, I knew I would want to know what was going on. I worried that I seemed like a failure to them. I worried that I would be bombarded with questions that I didn’t want to answer. I also worried that they would try to pressure me to stay in Charlotte with them and leave Jason for good. Maybe it was the right choice to make, but I still wanted it to be a decision I made without pressure from anyone else.

Brandon and I were greeted with open arms immediately when Mommy opened the door. Everything was pleasant as we settled in the living room engaging in casual conversation. I wanted to let my guard down and relax, but I couldn’t. Each time they rubbed my belly I expected them to start asking how I was going to handle two kids under the age of 2. When they asked how work was going, I was nervous that they were going to ask how I planned to take care of both kids on my salary. As parents, I knew they were concerned about those things as any parent would, but I just didn’t know the answers and I didn’t want to tell them that. It was Christmas, and I didn’t want to be upset for Christmas. It wasn’t until Shanna and her family arrived that I finally felt like I could relax. With their other grandbaby in the house, my parents were in heaven and completely engrossed with smothering them with kisses. I felt like I was in the clear for the most part with them, but I knew I had to worry about Shanna. There was no way she was going to let too much time go by before grilling me about my future plans.

Christmas Eve was non-stop. It was the only day that I was able to shop for Brandon since I didn’t want to have to travel with gifts from Tennessee only to take them back. Later that evening, Aunt Michelle and her new husband Michael, Samantha, and Sanaa all came over for dinner Christmas Eve. Shanna and I had a good time spending time with our cousins, who were more than happy to help us wrap gifts for the kids. We spent Christmas day all together also, but at Aunt Michelle’s house this time. We were up early to eat breakfast and to let the kids open their Christmas gifts. I had been excited for Brandon’s first Christmas for some time and though he was more fascinated with the wrapping paper than actual gifts, it was fun to watch him. It bothered me though that it was such a special moment that Jason had missed. I sent him several pictures to his phone, not really expecting him to respond to me. Even though I didn’t expect him to respond, it still bothered me that he didn’t. Before I went to bed that night, I tried calling, but he wouldn’t answer, not even when I blocked my number and called with a private number. I wasn’t even sure why I was trying anymore, but I felt like I had to.

It was a few days after Christmas before things began to calm down and I could no longer avoid the dreaded questions. Daddy went back to work and Mommy was at a church meeting. That left Shanna and I at home alone with the kids. I had a feeling that the questions were coming and tried to prepare myself to stay calm and take them in stride. There really wasn’t a way to prepare though.