Something Had to Give (43 page)

Jason was the only one I told about what was going on. Just as I expected, his advice was to still take the exams to show my professors that I was serious about wanting to pass. I could see his point somewhat, but policy was policy and it had to be upheld for everyone. I had missed too many assignments. I didn't try hard enough and I was beyond upset with myself and even more upset with my baby. He wasn't even in the world yet and already turning my life upside down. I was stressed all weekend, which made it impossible to study. My attempts to do other things to keep busy failed miserably, which left me with nothing but time to sit and obsess. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was no closer to a decision than I was on Friday after talking to my advisor. I had barely gotten any studying done and didn’t feel ready to take my exams. I prayed that night for a sign so I could know what to do and for the first time in days fell into a deep sleep. It was the first time in days I had been able to sleep and it took Jason waking me up Monday morning since I slept right through my alarm going off. Jason was on his way to work and once again encouraged me to get up and give the exams my all. I wanted to get up and do that just for him, but I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. Everything in me was screaming that I was making a huge mistake by not going, but I just felt like I had nothing else to give towards school.

Jason never said another word about it, but I could tell by the way he looked at me when he got home and I was still in the same position in bed, that he was disappointed in me. My decision to not take exams bothered me, haunted me, and ate at me for weeks to come. I ignored calls from Nicole and had Jason make up excuses to my parents as to why I couldn't come to the phone when they called. I knew I had to face them eventually, but I felt like I had to deal with my own emotions first before dealing with theirs'. Since we spent Thanksgiving with Jason's family, we had plans to leave in a few days to spend Christmas with my family. Emotionally, I felt the lowest I had felt in a really long time and the thought of being around my family and their questions added stress to me that I did not want or need.

I wanted to spend what time I could to prepare myself for the visit with my family. My anxiety was through the roof since my last visit had gone so badly on top of the new developments with school that I somehow had to explain. I hoped that they would understand due to the pregnancy, but at the same time I felt like I was using the pregnancy as a crutch and excuse. The internal struggle going on in my mind made me physically ill to the point that we had to beg not to be sent to the hospital for monitoring during my doctor visit before leaving. Her reaction to my physical appearance and weight loss was a wakeup call to how I was letting everything get to me. It also shook Jason up, who had not been vocal at all about how he felt about the whole ordeal. I wasn't sure if he was just trying to avoid an argument that would make me more upset or if he was just at a loss of words. After the appointment, that changed and we had a long talk about how the stress was affecting all of us including the baby. As hard as it was to accept, I knew I had to move on from my feelings of disappointment and start making new plans for myself.

My mood improved over the next few days until the day of our long trip to Charlotte came. I woke up nauseous that morning and it lingered the whole car ride. We had to stop multiple times when I thought I was going to be sick on top of my bathroom breaks and stops for food. When we finally got there, all the preparations I had done to deal with my family went right out the window. My anxiety shot up when I saw Craig's truck in the driveway. We sat in the car in the driveway for at least 10 minutes as I tried to gather myself. We probably would have stayed longer if Daddy would not have opened the front door and motioned for us to come in. I wasn't ready to face them and wanted desperately to tell Jason to back the car out and drive back to Tennessee. That was ridiculous though. I had to own up to my actions, I took a deep breath and we went in.

From the moment I walked in the door, it was like I was visiting a totally different family. I had gone from being virtually invisible my last visit to being bombarded at the door with hugs. Even Craig managed to greet me with an awkward hug. Shanna offered to let me hold Ingrid shortly after I got there while she helped Mommy finish dinner. As I sat there feeding her a bottle, it hit me that I was just a month or so away to doing that every day. It made me feel excited about my baby coming and experiencing those types of bonding moments. That moment was the beginning of a great evening and night with my family. Aunt Michelle and my cousins joined us for dinner where we sat at the table talking and laughing long after we finished eating. It was a good time that was much needed to take my mind off school. When we finally got up to clear the table, Jason squeezed my and hand, which seemed completely random, but when I looked at him and saw his smile I couldn't help but smile back. It was if we both knew at that moment that everything was going to work out.

It took two days for the subject of school to come up.

"So Cheryl, how did you end up fairing this semester in school? Your mother and I kept trying to call you after exam week."

Immediately my stomach started to form knots and I didn't know if should lie and say that it went well in order to avoid ruining the mood or tell the truth. While I knew I could easily lie, I also knew that my hesitation before answering would probably give me away. "It didn't go as well as I expected, but after I have the baby, I can take classes over and get back on track."

"Well I know it had to be difficult with the pregnancy, but I know you will figure it out."

"Of course she will figure it out. She's a smart girl. Just know your mother and I are here for you if you need us." That was it. There were no disappointing looks or negative comments. I was glad that I had been honest and had their support.

We stayed in Charlotte through New Year’s and headed back to Tennessee early New Year's Day. Within a few days I came down from my high of the great visit with my family. It was the day that I knew classes were starting back and I was at home doing absolutely nothing. That whole week, it hit me hard that I had no notes to read over, no assignments to complete, and no tests to cram for. I had to find something to do to keep me busy, but I didn't know what. I thought about finding a job but I knew chances of someone hiring me at nearly 9 months were slim to none. Still Jason encouraged me relentlessly to apply, knowing if I didn't figure something out, I was going to go back into a dark place. To appease him, I put up a facade like I was diligently looking for jobs, but in reality, I only applied to two jobs. There were so many listings I came across that I would have loved to have, but I was too afraid of rejection to apply. I just couldn't handle anything else going wrong.

My other option to finding a job was to go back to volunteering at the hospital. They still had what I considered to be stupid limits on how many hours and days I could come, but I figured it was better than nothing. It would give me something to do until the baby came. The two jobs I applied to were in the mental health field. They were not jobs I was thrilled about, but I met the qualifications with my bachelor's degree. I didn't expect to hear anything back simply because I felt like I was in the midst of a string of bad luck and nothing that I wanted to happen would actually happen. The first day I was set to start back volunteering, my phone rang early in the morning as I was getting dressed. I almost ignored the call since it was a number I did not know, but when I realized that very few people with a Chattanooga area code would be calling me, I quickly jumped to answer the phone before they hung up.

The person at the other end of the call was a bubbly girl named Ann from a place called The House. After telling me about the position, I was invited to come in and interview. I immediately agreed and hung up the phone with a smile until a kick from my unborn son reminded me that I was visibly pregnant. Though companies were not supposed to discriminate due to pregnancy, it was very likely to happen. I went on to volunteer, but the whole time, I was obsessing over what I was going to wear, what I was going to say, and how I was going to be so impressive to them that my pregnancy would not hinder my chances of being hired. Jason was beyond thrilled when I told him the news and celebrated like I had already gotten the job. The next day I came home from volunteering to an outfit he had spent the whole day picking out for me to wear. The outfit reminded me of something grandma would wear and made me look even larger than I already was, but I smiled anyway, appreciative of the gesture.

I woke up feeling poorly the morning of my interview. It only got worse once I put on the horrible outfit Jason had purchased for me. I wanted to just say, "screw it" and get back in bed. The only thing that changed my mind was the fact that Jason was so pumped for me and I didn't want to disappoint him anymore than I already had. I arrived to The House 15 minutes before my scheduled interview, so I decided to sit in a parking lot across the street to get my mind together. The spot I parked in gave me a direct view of The House where I watched people come in an out to sit on the porch to smoke or to go walking down the street. It was hard from watching to understand exactly what kind of place it was. I had no idea what I was walking into when I drove across the street and walked in but I knew I had to give the interview my all.

The interview was nothing like I imagined. I was given a tour by one of the members who were visibly nervous, but extremely friendly. I then had my interview in a large room with about a dozen of the members and staff where I was asked questions and invited to have lunch with them. It was during lunch that my pregnancy came up. A guy named Tom brought me my tray and with a polite tap on the back said, "I convinced the cook to give you an extra helping since you're eating for two."

"Aww thanks, that’s very kind of you." It caught me off guard since I had been so busy talking with everyone that I forgot that it was an interview I managed to smile anyway.

"How do you know she's just not fat?" Another outspoken member chimed in with a chuckle.

"Well she looks like she's about to pop at any minute." Yet another member added.

At this point all the attention was on me and I when asked directly by the director, the elephant in the room was addressed. They all cheered and congratulated me when I told them that my baby boy was due in a just a few weeks. I had to chuckle at the fact that they were more excited than my parents when I first told them. Two days after interviewing, I was called and offered the position with The House in which I graciously accepted. When I hung up, I had to pinch myself. It seemed too good be true that they were hiring me while so pregnant but I was excited and grateful nonetheless. For once, it was something that was finally going right for me.

For the next week I went through training in the different units of the House. It was the first time I had been around a large group of mentally ill people, which made me nervous at first. During that week I met and bonded with some of the most dynamic and misunderstood people. Until then I wasn’t aware of how underserved the population was. The struggles with constant federal cuts made it so difficult for so many of them to have basic living necessities and access to proper health care. It opened my eyes to the many barriers to getting them integrated into society. I went home each day feeling like I had found a new passion. I truly wanted to make things better for each and every one of them.

At the end of my second week, I drove a member to a doctor’s appointment and came back to a surprise baby shower. We celebrated the upcoming arrival of my son with a lunch of spaghetti and homemade strawberry cake. There had been a collection taken up for a gift card to Babies R Us, which meant so much to me since I knew many of them didn't have money to spare. I had been looking forward to my baby shower with my family and Jason's family coming up in a week but I knew it wouldn't be as special as the one they gave. I ate so much that I joked with everyone that I was probably going to go home and pop. I could never have imagined that something I said as a joke was actually going to happen.

During the middle of the night, I switched positions in bed and felt a pop. I didn't think anything of it until it began to feel like I was peeing myself. It hit me that my water had broken. Within the next 10 minutes, I had woken Jason up, thrown on some dry clothes, and we were headed to the hospital. The ride to the hospital was mostly silent but inside I was panicked at the fact that I really was going to deliver a baby. In my mind, I was convinced that the baby was going to come out looking exactly like Eric and Jason would know right away. I didn’t know how either of us would handle the embarrassment. I knew I had to stay calm as hard as it was. Things had finally started to look up for me, it had to continue.

My son was born at 4:41 AM on January 12. No one expected my labor to progress so fast since it was my first baby but I progressed from 2 cm when I got to the hospital to 10 cm very quickly. There wasn't even time for me to get an epidural as planned and I was immediately panicked about having to push the baby out without one. I got what I guess was a rush of adrenaline when it was time to push and after just 4 pushes my son was born. Once he was out, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. As the nurse took him away to clean him up, I prayed that he would look like me and not his deceased father. Jason beamed with pride as he cut the umbilical cord and watched everything the nurses did to him. I could hear him crying as I delivered my placenta and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness with each cry. It should have been a happy moment, but all I wanted to do was cry.