Something I Need (xoxo Nashville Book 1) (22 page)

“There is no Cash and me.”

“Was there?”

“No.” She shook her head. “Not really,” she added, not wanting to lie to him.

“You don’t sound so confident.”

“I’m here with you, Seb.”

“And dreaming about him in my bed.”

Jonte flinched. There was no malice in his voice, just pain. But his words still stung. No matter how you diced it, her unconscious slip-up had been bad.

She bit down on her lip. What should she say? What should she do?

“Here’s the thing, Jonte, I don’t want you to be here unless you want to be here.”

“What are you saying?” Jonte fought the urge to break down and cry. Seb was a great guy – the best. She knew what was coming and she didn’t blame him. After letting herself be so exposed with Cash, she hadn’t fully let Seb in, and clearly he’d sensed that.

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against hers. “I’m saying I can’t do this with you until you figure out everything in your head. I’m saying I need to protect myself from getting hurt if this is not what you want.”

“Seb, I really like you. But I can’t give you any promises right now. It’s too soon.” There was no use pretending any more or saying things she didn’t mean to hold on to him. That wouldn’t have been fair. Seb deserved better. He deserved as much of the truth as she could give him. Not empty promises.

“I know it’s too soon.” Seb nodded slowly, resigned. Like his head knew what his heart wanted to ignore. “But I can’t have you in my bed and dreaming about someone else. I want you dreaming about me, and wanting me to do those things to you, not him.”

It was a fair request. She would hate to wake up to him moaning about some other girl. “So where does that leave us?” she whispered, already confident of the answer.

“Come back to me when you know what you want.”

Jonte stroked his cheek. “I’m so sorry. I wish I was ready to be with you, really I do, ‘cause I like you so much. But maybe you’re right.”

Seb wrapped her up in a hug. “I wish you were ready too.”

T
onight was the night
. Her night. The night she’d come to Nashville for.

Audition night.

With her back against the wall, on the darkened side of the stage, nervous butterflies skittered around inside Jonte. She fidgeted with the big bow tied up at her neck and tugged at the black tulle layer of her dress, making sure it was fully covering the nude underlay.

Tanner, Dolly, and Dean were out in the crowd, sitting at one of the dozens of tables. Cash and Seb were not.

Things had been awkward with Seb following their breakup. Had it really been a breakup? They hadn’t exactly gotten to the point where they’d declared themselves officially together and exclusive. Anyway, they were trying to go back to being
just
friends
, but it was hard going to work and watching him look at her with all that lust and longing in his eyes. It was ridiculous because she really did like him; she simply wasn’t sure if it was enough.

Scrap that. She knew it wasn’t enough. It didn’t matter how great Seb was. At the end of the day, he wasn’t Cash. Cash with his scratchy, raspy voice, his manly, sexy stubble, and those piercing green eyes. Those amazing hands, his dry humor, and even his alpha-douche ways. She was insanely pissed at Cash for making her fall for him and rendering her completely useless for anyone else.

The good news was Cash seemed to be respecting her wishes. She hadn’t heard a peep from him since that day a couple weeks ago when he’d pounded down her door and told her he missed her. It was nasty to think like this, but was he staying away because he knew she was single again?

Jonte suspected Dolly had heard a lot of what had transpired between her and Seb that morning after their True American night of crazy, because when Jonte had finally pulled away from Seb, she’d discovered Dolly standing mouth agape in the hallway. But Dolly had never brought it up, and Jonte refused to have that conversation with her. So yeah, she had no idea what the twins did or didn’t know about the whole fuckup that was her life.

It didn’t matter though, because soon they wouldn’t be her problem. Tomorrow Dean was driving her to Ohio. A few days ago, Sierra had received a panicked call from the boss at the Ohio branch of The Big Bang asking if she could spare a pianist for a couple of weeks. Jonte jumped at the opportunity, hoping a different location might prove more successful musically for her.

Okay, so that was a lie. She was running away. But expanding her options was good given the stupid promise to her dad to return home if she wasn’t settled and didn’t progress tonight. She needed to hedge her bets.

Applause rolled through the bar as the current contestants – a good-looking trio of guys toting a fiddle and two guitars – finished their song, bowed, and left the stage. She’d only half-heard them and couldn’t remember what song they’d started with, but they’d done a pretty decent job with their cover of Mumford & Sons’ “I Will Wait.” Was it ironic that she was following them with A Great Big World’s “Say Something” as the second song in her set? Obviously it wasn’t a country song, but she’d tweaked it and hoped it would work. Kind of like how Whitney Houston had done the reverse with Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.”

Be confident. You’ve got this.

Jonte walked onto the stage when her name was announced. The bottom of her dress swooshed with each step. Her lips curved up into a wide smile and she waved at the jubilant crowd filled with bobbing Stetsons and baseball caps. With shaking hands, she rested her guitar on her knee and then sat down on the tall bar stool in the centre of the stage. The piano they’d brought in especially for her would have to wait.

In an attempt to quell the buzzing butterflies, she took three deep breaths in and out. This was the moment she had been waiting for. All her practicing over the last nineteen years, all her work at The Big Bang
,
hopefully right now it would pay off and she’d progress to the next round.

Of course, it wasn’t all about the music. This was it. This was the last chance she was giving him. Not that he knew, seeing as he wasn’t even here. She couldn’t wait for him forever. She wouldn’t. Sebastian wanted to love her and she couldn’t honestly love him back while she was all tied up in knots over Cash. She would never be able to be with anyone until whatever this thing with her and Cash was, was over.

Jonte’s tapped her boots against the thick red Persian rug on the stage, her fingers strumming the strings on the guitar. There could be some kind of hidden message in this song too, but in all honesty, it was one of the easiest songs to play, especially the minimalist arrangement she’d put together, and it definitely had that folksy-country feel to it. Yes, her lessons and jamming at the Station Inn had meant her skills had improved, but she was still a novice when it came to the guitar. It was a real risk, maybe a silly risk, playing the guitar tonight. But it was done now.

Jonte almost kissed the microphone singing the opening lines to The Lumineers’ “Ho, Hey.” She closed her eyes and concentrated on her strumming. She played this song countless times at work with Dean and Seb. It was a definite favorite that always got the crowd singing along and resulted in good tips.

When she finished, the crowd applauded like they had for the trio before her. Dolly was hollering and cheering in her usual crazy fashion. But Dean’s wolf-whistle sounded out over everything else. Her friends made her smile. She slid off the stool and offered up her trademark curtsey. The crowd laughed collectively, and Dean whistle even louder this time.

Jonte carefully moved the stool to the side of the stage and left her guitar in the stand the organizers had kindly provided. They really had been most accommodating, and she certainly appreciated it. She tucked her dress underneath her as she sat down at the piano, instantly feeling more at ease.

A few deep breaths helped her slow her breathing and heart rate. This was her home and it was now or never.

She skimmed her fingers across the keys, starting the morose introduction to “Say Something.” She leaned closer to the microphone and began to sing. A hush descended upon the bar. All of the anguish and hurt and anger she felt poured out from her. The song was perfect. Cathartic even. It said everything she couldn’t say. Everything she felt.

Insane because she suspected Seb felt this way about her. She was trapped in a cruel love triangle, with Seb loving her, and her loving Cash, and Cash loving no one.

Wow. Surely that was a country song in the making. Why hadn’t she written that yet?

Halfway through the song, Jonte glanced over at her friends. Dean and Tanner offered encouraging smiles, but Dolly was no longer sitting with them. She tried to concentrate on her performance, pushing away thoughts of where Dolly was and whether something had happened in Dolly’s own little love triangle.

* * *

C
ash’s cell
phone vibrated in his back pocket. Out of habit, he grabbed it and instantly wished that he hadn’t. Dolly. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Tonight was Jonte’s audition. He knew this because Dolly had bugged him all week about going. He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Jonte had warned him to stay away and he had. He owed her that. And so, he’d kept his distance.

“Keep an eye on stuff,” Cash said to Jerry and stalked in to his office. “Hello?” he answered, shutting the door behind him.

“Can you hear this?” Dolly snapped.

No hello.

No how are you.

Nothing.

Cash listened to the hauntingly beautiful music playing in the background.

It had to be Jonte.

Damn, she was good. Real good.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Dolly continued tersely when he didn’t reply. “She’s playing this for you. It’s a plea.”

A plea? What the hell was his twin talking about this time?

“It’s just a song!” Cash replied, already sick of whatever it was that Dolly was up to.

“She’s leaving, Cash.”

“What?”

“She’s going to Ohio with Dean tomorrow morning.”

“Ohio? Wait, she’s with Dean now?”

Dean? Wannabe cowboy, crappy truck, slept with Dolly, Dean?

“She’s not with Dean, you idiot! He’s taking her to Columbus to work at The Big Bang there for a few weeks ‘cause one of their pianist’s arm is broke or somethin’. I don’t remember exactly.”

“And what do you want me to do about that?”

“What if she never comes back?”

“You just said it was a temporary thing,” Cash said, trying to placate Dolly. He could tell she was becoming increasingly desperate and upset from the crazy shrill tone of her voice. Despite their differences, and their fight the other week, he hated when Dolly was miserable.

“Well, it’s not like she’s got much to come back to right now, is there? Between whatever happened with the two of you – and don’t insult me, I know something happened – and then everything that happened with Seb last week.”

Christ, he would happily take responsibility for the things he’d done, but not for whatever was going on with Jonte and Seb. “Whatever shit you’re talking about between her and Seb, that’s not my fault.”

“It’s exactly your fault. They broke up because he was jealous of you.”

“What?” This was new information. They broke up because Seb was jealous? Why would Seb be jealous?

“Somehow Seb knew she had feelings for you – I didn’t quite hear how he knew that – but anyway, he said he couldn’t be with her while she was still hung up on you.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Cash shook his head. “She’s not hung up on me.”

“Well, it is what it is. Anyway, he asked her to tell him that nothin’ had ever happened between y’all, and apparently she couldn’t.”

“It’s not my fault he’s insecure.”

“Fair point. But it’s completely your fault that you are! Are you even listening to those lyrics? She’s done. She’s telling you she loves you and she’s sorry she couldn’t save you.”

“She doesn’t love me.”

“You’re a fool, Cash. A damn fool.”

His cell went dead. Fucking Dolly had hung up on him. She sure had a flair for being melodramatic.

Cash opened the door and returned to the bar. What had Dolly hoped to achieve with that phone call? It didn’t change anything. Not a single damn thing.

T
he next morning
, Cash lay in bed, his hands tucked under his head, staring at his ceiling. He’d been awake for a while now, trying to get rid of the niggly feeling in his gut. He felt weird. Relieved he hadn’t had nightmares, but weird nonetheless. Not physically sick, or nauseated, or even hungry for that matter. And he wasn’t in any actual pain. He just felt…off.

He was contemplating what he was going to do today when the bedroom door swung open and Dolly stalked in.

“Knock much?”

“She took everything!” Dolly wailed before bursting into tears. “Her nightstand and robe are all cleared out. The only thing left in her room is the furniture and some paintings on the wall.”

Cash sat up and patted the bed, gesturing for her to come sit with him. She teetered over in her heels and sunk down onto the bed, curling up into the fetal position.

“I told you last night that she wasn’t coming back. It’s all your fault.” Dolly sobbed. “She was my best friend and you made her leave.”

Cash stroked his twin’s short hair. “You only knew her a couple months, sis.”

“And I loved her like a sister. She just got me.” Dolly wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands. “You have Tanner.” Sniff. “I have no one.” Sniff. “She was your other half, and mine too.”

“You have Tanner and me.”

“’Snot the same.”

“She’ll be back, you said so yourself last night. Besides, it’s not like she arrived with much stuff, anyway. Did she say she wasn’t coming back?”

Dolly shook her head.

“She would have told you if she wasn’t coming back, Doll.” But he honestly wondered if his words were true. Dolly was over-the-top in the theatrics department. Maybe Jonte had decided it was easier to say nothing and then call in a few weeks?

Out of nowhere it hit him, like a wrecking ball to the head. That feeling in his gut – it was regret. Ugly and shameful regret. He’d fucked up and let her go.