Something Like Thunder (34 page)

“You’ll find one of the easiest ways of manipulating others is by playing the fool.”

“So your whole persona is an act?”

Marcello smiled. “Those most blessed in life
are
fools. No acting required. What do you think of my offer?”

Nathaniel hadn’t had time to think, but he already knew the answer. “No. Most of my world fell apart a couple of days ago. Knocking down the rest doesn’t sound very wise.”

“Have it your way.” Marcello reached into his suit and produced a business card. “If ever you should change your mind, I am in your debt. Do not underestimate the value of that statement.”

He handed the card to Nathaniel, then walked to the elevators with a careless gait, as if nearly being framed for a heinous crime was part of his daily routine. Nathaniel watched him leave, then went outside to the parking lot, both accepting and dreading one fact: It was time to go home.

* * * * *

Nathaniel returned to an empty apartment, which wasn’t surprising, since they all had classes to attend. But for him, his first order of business was a change of clothes. Once he’d stripped down, he found himself longing for a second shower. More water to wash away the experiences of the night before. He left the light off in the windowless bathroom, standing beneath the hot stream in perfect darkness. Then he let himself ache inside and out. His skin burned from the heat, his head throbbed from too much alcohol, his stomach felt tight with hunger, and his chest… That pain was only emotional, but at the moment it sure felt physical. Kenneth was easy enough to forget. Everything Nathaniel had been avoiding by turning to him wasn’t.

When the hot water started to run out, Nathaniel turned off the faucets, went to his room, and put on comfort clothes: a worn-down cotton T-shirt, a soft hoodie that zipped up tight against his torso, and jeans with too many holes to be presentable. Then he fed himself, standing at the kitchen counter and unceremoniously eating a sandwich. Afterwards he returned to his room, shut and locked the door, and waited. He tried to brace himself, but when the knock came in the early afternoon, he still wasn’t ready.

“Nathaniel?” Rebecca said through the door. “Are you okay?”

He clenched his jaw. What a question!

“Can we talk? Please. I’m worried about you!”

He threw open the door. “If you gave a shit about me, you wouldn’t have—” The words caught in his throat, so he found new ones. “Fuck you!”

Rebecca flinched. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, okay.” Nathaniel said, expression incredulous. “That fixes everything. What now? Want to catch a movie together? Or hey, how about we head out for some Tex-Mex? I know the most romantic place!”

He wanted her to fight back and get defensive so he could keep shouting, wound her, make her share his pain. Maybe he had already succeeded because she started crying.

“I’m a horrible person,” she said.

Nathaniel crossed his arms over his chest. “Yeah, you are. How long has this been going on? No, I can guess that. How
far
has it gone? That’s what I want to know.”

Rebecca averted her eyes.

“Congratulations,” Nathaniel said coldly. “You finally lost your virginity. I hope it was everything you dreamed it would be.”

He slammed the door, went back to his bed, and pounded the mattress with his fist. It didn’t make him feel better, but it siphoned off just enough anger to allow him to cry a little. He rubbed at his eyes harshly, focusing on the pain, which wasn’t difficult to do. A few minutes later, he heard the door behind him open.

“I was lonely,” she said. “Not because you were busy. I’ve been lonely since high school. I wanted what everyone but me seems to have.”

“You wanted what I had,” Nathaniel said. “Now you’ve got it.”

“I don’t think I do. He loves you.”

“He doesn’t know what love is,” Nathaniel spat. “Don’t talk to me about him. Understand? We’re through!”

Rebecca’s eyes went wide. “Do you mean you and Caesar? Or you and me?”

“Both!” he shouted. “Do you really think I’m going to be your friend after this? I trusted you with
everything
. More than I’ve trusted anyone else. Maybe I can’t kiss you or fuck you, but I gave you everything I could! And what did you do?”

“I’m sorry,” Rebecca whispered.

“I don’t care. Remember how I always felt in Houston, how I was scared to go home because I didn’t want my brother to hurt me? Guess what? I’m right back there again. This is my home, and I no longer feel safe because you hurt me in a way I never dreamed possible. I’d rather live with Dwight. Seriously! I’d rather get the shit beat out of me every day than spend another second here with you.”

“I’ll move out,” Rebecca said, her voice shaking.

Nathaniel turned his back on her. “I can’t afford the place alone. Neither can you. Caesar can move in and I’ll find somewhere else. Hell, maybe I’ll take his stupid dorm room.”

“I don’t want to live with him,” Rebecca said. “I don’t even know if I want to see him again.”

“You’d better!” Nathaniel spun around. “You’d better be so fucking in love with him that you lose control when he’s around. Otherwise it makes what you did even more screwed up.” He looked at her questioningly, his chest heaving. “Well? Do you love him?”

Rebecca shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“Get out.”

“Nathaniel—”

“Get. Out. Don’t speak to me, don’t even look at me. Until I figure out where to go, I’m a ghost.” His voice cracked. “I’m dead and buried.”

Rebecca was on the verge of tears again, so he stood and marched toward her. He wouldn’t have done anything, would have stopped short had she stood her ground. Thankfully she stepped back enough that he was able to slam the door and lock it. Then he returned to his bed, lay flat on his stomach, and covered his head with his arms, willing this all to be over.

* * * * *

Nathaniel left the room a changed man. He had barely slept during the night, but he felt strangely rested. In the dark of his room he had gathered all the pieces, all the shattered fragments of his identity and emotions. Then he put them back together again, but not in the same order. He assembled for himself a suit of armor, cold and impenetrable. No matter what he still felt inside, the fire was now contained within a furnace. He did this to survive, because he knew the worst was yet to come.

Over the next few days he walked around the apartment as if nothing had happened. He relaxed on the couch and watched TV or ate his bowl of cereal while sitting there in the morning. Rebecca tried talking to him on more than one occasion, but it didn’t matter. She was no longer of any consequence to him. Nathaniel had been wrong: He wasn’t the ghost, she was, and he had exorcised her from his heart. That left only one.

Wednesday night. Rebecca was off playing tutor. Nathaniel sat on the couch looking at the TV, a six-pack waiting for him on the coffee table. Music videos were on the screen, but the volume was turned down completely, mouths moving without making a sound, bodies shaking to a rhythm he couldn’t hear.

Someone knocked on the door. He ignored it. When a key scratched into the lock and the door opened, he didn’t show any surprise as Caesar came in and stood there uncertainly. Nathaniel refused to look at him, even though his presence caused barely-healed wounds to tear open again.

“Rebecca is worried about you,” Caesar said.

No words, no matter how carefully chosen, would have made a difference. But starting with
her
name was the worst possible strategy.

“I’m worried too,” Caesar added. He shut the door and came a few paces closer. “I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t matter. I hurt you, and I don’t deserve to be with you.”

“You aren’t with me,” Nathaniel murmured, attention still on the television.

“Fair enough. I just…” Caesar’s voice faltered. “I wish there was something I could do. I don’t want you to be hurt or messed up just because I am. I want you to be okay, and I guess staying away is my only option, but I want you to know that I love you. Anyone would be crazy not to. Someday you’re going to meet an amazing man, and he’s going to be really nice and appreciate you and not make stupid mistakes like I did. He’s going to love you, and it’s going to be perfect because that’s what you deserve. I’m going now, but I wanted to say thank you for loving me. I’m just sorry that—”

“I didn’t love you.” Nathaniel turned his head, making eye contact for the first time. “I never loved you. When we first met, I needed somewhere else to live. That didn’t work out, but you suck good dick, so I kept you around. When I was bored, you were there.”

“That’s not true,” Caesar said, shaking his head. “You just want to hurt me.”

“I just want you to leave,” Nathaniel said calmly. “Once Kenneth started blowing me, I realized I could do better. And I have.” His smile was cold. “A few times.”

“Okay,” Caesar said, lip trembling. “I guess I deserve that, but I still—”

Nathaniel grabbed the remote and cranked up the volume until it was maxed out and the overwhelmed speakers were vibrating with crackling sound. He resumed staring at the screen, keeping his attention there until from the corner of his eye he saw Caesar turn and leave. Then Nathaniel lowered the volume and turned off the television. A moment later he threw the remote at the wall. Then he grabbed his first beer, twisted off the cap, and leaned back, bringing the bottle to his lips.

* * * * *

Nathaniel walked the paths of Amistad Park, retracing his steps over and over again. The Yale-New Haven Psychiatric Hospital was just across the street. As mind-bending as the past few weeks had been, he was tempted to check himself in. These days he often explored new sections of the campus, lingering in areas like the Medical Center because of the reduced risk of running into anyone he knew. The sun was setting and once again, Nathaniel dreaded the idea of going home. So often Rebecca would show up, trying to make peace or pretend nothing catastrophic had happened. On one occasion Caesar had been waiting for him in the parking lot, but Nathaniel brushed by him like celebrities did paparazzi. He kept his composure in these situations, but each challenged his resolve to remain stoic.

He hated the apartment. Hated the familiar areas of campus. Hated anywhere memories had been made with Rebecca and Caesar. This was another reason why he wandered to unfamiliar locations these days, but lately even that wasn’t enough. He didn’t want to return home. And yet, that’s exactly what he desired most. Nathaniel dug his phone from his pocket, selected a name, and stopped pacing until he heard a familiar voice.

“Hi, honey!” his mother said. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Nathaniel tried to keep his tone steady. “Spring break is next week.”

“I’ll bet you’re excited. You’re under a lot of stress. I can hear it in your voice.”

“Can you fly me home?” he blurted out.

“For spring break?” Star asked after a moment’s hesitation. “Wouldn’t you prefer Miami? Or maybe Las Vegas?”

“I want to come home. I could take my car, but the drive is crazy long and I’ll be on my own.”

“Did something happen? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Nathaniel started pacing again. “Just homesick. The airfare can count as my birthday present.”

“It’s a little early for that.” His mother tried to laugh, but her concern won out. “We’ll fly you home. Let me grab a calendar and you can tell me your dates.”

The knowledge that he would soon escape made the remaining time bearable. When taking the train to the Newark airport, he braced for the worst, fearing something—anything—would keep him from boarding his flight. But he made it, watching from his cramped window seat as Connecticut sank away and disappeared beneath the clouds. Then he exhaled, feeling more at ease than he had for weeks.

By the time he landed in Houston and was standing at the luggage carousel, he wasn’t exactly grinning at his fellow passengers. At least he felt secure, like he could let down his guard, which made it all the more ironic that a guard stopped him just as he was leaving. Or an officer of some sort.

“Would you mind setting down your bags?” the man said. He smiled reassuringly, raising the leash he was holding. “Just a training exercise.”

Nathaniel looked down at a… dog? The creature was the right shape and size, but was missing chunks of fur all over its body, some sort of rash filling in the bare patches. Its blue eyes were clear and alert, but other than that, the animal appeared contagious. Currently it was sniffing his suitcase.

“Please, sir. The bag.”

Nathaniel shrugged and set the duffel bag on the floor. The dog hopped over to it excitedly, tail wagging as it circled and sniffed.

“There’s half a sandwich in there,” Nathaniel said without much interest. “Feel free to confiscate it.”

“No, it’s fine. Come along, Bonkers.” The officer tugged on the leash, but the dog was still interested in the bag. So interested that he lifted a leg, and a yellow arc of urine soaked the cloth.

“Hey!” Nathaniel shouted.

“Bonkers!” The officer yanked, dragging away the dog, who didn’t stop peeing for a few more seconds. “I’m sorry!”

“It’s fine,” Nathaniel grunted.