Somewhere Only We Know ....... (21 page)

It felt as
though I was going through a bereavement. The thought of him made
my stomach turn, or sink and lurch into my throat. My whole
behaviour wasn
’
t normal. I
couldn
’
t sit still, I had to
be doing something. I couldn
’
t listen to the kids chatting just in case Ben got a
mention.

I analysed.
I had had a lucky escape, the situation could have got way out of
hand and God knows where it would have ended up.
“
This is for the
best
”
I thought to myself.
But I wasn
’
t convinced, I
missed him just being around, his age had nothing to do with any of
it.

I read items on the internet about age-gap
relationships, if the woman was older then they seldom worked. The
younger male always eventually wanted a girl his own age. Again I
thought what a lucky escape I had had.

I read
article about soul mates. Now this was making more sense. I had all
the symptoms. The feeling we had met before, the completeness when
we were together and the pain when we separated. None if it really
made me feel any better. Whichever way I looked at it. If we did
get together we would never be accepted, no one would get it. I
would be ridiculed as a cradle snatcher and God knows what people
would say to Ben, his life wouldn
’
t be worth living. On the other hand I hated the feeling
that I had when he wasn
’
t
about, the jealousy of him being with someone else. It was
literally soul destroying.

What
difference did it make anyway? I was suffering and he was away
having fun. I had to get all of these stupid notions out of my
head. I had to get him out of my head. It was a no no from the
start and soul mates or not, it
wasn
’
t going to happen. I
wouldn
’
t let it.

I soldiered
on. Each day it got a bit better. My mam thought I had a haunted
look, I told her I thought I was coming down with something. When
Scarlett called to tell me she had been out for a date with a
potential Mr Perfect, she thought I was looking a bit peaky,
“
virus
”
I assured her. I
couldn
’
t even begin to tell
them that my heart had been broken because of a relationship I
wasn
’
t having with a 15 year
old. They would have locked me up.

Six weeks exactly from the TA Ball he was
back. I came in from work and before I even saw him, I knew he was
in the house. I had some second sense. When he came ambling out of
the living room my heart lurched. I looked at him and he looked at
me and we were back to square one.

“
You
okay?
”
he asked.
“
Not bad, you?
”
I replied.
“
I missed you!!
”
“
I missed you
too
”
I echoed. We went into
the yard. I lit a cigarette and he asked if he could have
one.
“
I
don
’
t know what is going on,
I don
’
t understand any of
it, but I really missed you and I wanted to come back weeks
ago.
”
He said lighting up
his tab.
“
I
don
’
t understand either Ben
and I
’
m a grown up. All I
know is that I
’
ve been
miserable
”
.

We continued
talking in hushed tones, walls had ears. We decided that we would
go with the flow and see what happened. It was pointless staying
apart because it was causing needless pain to both of us. Ben said
he had been so upset that I had gone out with Neil that he bolted.
Him and Emma had always had an on off thing so it was easy to pick
up the relationship. But even throwing himself into that
hadn
’
t helped.

I felt
terrible when he said he had had his birthday. Thomas
hadn
’
t mentioned it and the
least we could have done was send him a card. As I stood to go back
into house, I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek,
“
Belated birthday greetings
Ben
”
I said smiling. Whoa,
smiling. For the first time in weeks I was smiling and it was real,
not one of the pretend ones I plastered on my face for everyone
else.

And so the
tempo of my life resumed. I was happy, well the majority of the
time I was. I was happy that Ben was just around. We walked the
dog, we had snatched conversations whenever we could, we texted and
we looked at each other. All of a sudden the family was extended.
Me, Thomas, Bethany, James and Ben. My mam and dad liked Ben, I
didn
’
t think they would like
him so much if they knew what was really going on. But there
wasn
’
t. We were just happy
being in each other’s worlds. Ben was still with Emma. He
didn
’
t seem to see her much,
maybe when they all went out as a group on a weekend, but I
didn
’
t like to think about
that.

It was around this time I saw Keith for the
first time in years. Me, Thomas and Beth had gone shopping in
Durham. Beth had set her heart on a pair of shoes and after failed
attempts in Newcastle and the Metrocentre, we had moved on to
Durham. I saw him before he saw me, unsure whether or not to
approach him or if I should just dive into a shop with the kids, he
spotted us.

“
Hello
Caz
”
he said. He was skinny,
very skinny and he had the sallow look of a drinker.
“
Hi Keith, how are you? Long time
no see
”
. I answered.
“
I
’
m ok, Hi Thomas can
’
t believe how grown you are!
”
Thomas had seen photographs of Keith so he knew
exactly who it was.
“
I
’
m good
dad
”
Thomas muttered. There
was a commotion behind Keith and a woman pushing a buggy was at his
side. Keith looked embarrassed and I looked at the baby in the
buggy, he looked familiar so he was obviously
Keith
’
s.
“
Well take
care
”
Keith said moving away
from us with the woman. There was no introductions, no goodbyes.
Just as quickly as he had appeared he had gone.

“
Let’s get
drinks
”
I said grabbing onto
both the kids arms. Sitting in the café Bethany was white as a
sheet.
“
He
didn
’
t speak to me
Mam
”
, Bethany said.
“
He was in a hurry that must have
been his new wife
”
. Why the
hell I was making excuses for him I
’
ll never know. He had missed every Christmas and every
birthday since I had left him. We
hadn
’
t had a penny off him.
The CSA had even drawn a blank, as soon as they had arranged
attachment of earning off his salary he moved jobs and disappeared
off the radar again. Bethany and Thomas were both quiet for the
rest of the day.

On the
Sunday morning I decided we were going to have a trip out. James
was at his friends for the weekend and
wouldn
’
t be back until after
tea. So we bundled Jasper into the back of the car and along with
Ben and Liam we set off up the Northumberland Coast.

We walked
Jasper on the beach at Durridge Bay and then went into Seahouses
for fish and chips. The sea air was just what we needed. We ate our
fish and chips on the harbour wall and watched the little fishing
boats bobbing about in the harbour all the time fighting off the
giant seagulls who started to swoop for our food. And we laughed.
The kids all went off to play in the amusements and I stayed
sitting on the harbour wall. Keith had no idea of the damage he had
done to all of us, especially the kids. I was everything I could
possibly be to them, but they had still needed their dad. My dad
did his best, but sometimes his views were old fashioned and dated
and I couldn
’
t really
imagine any of them going to him if they had a problem. Keith had
so much to answer for, even the day before he managed to make them
feel like nobodies.

My thoughts
turned to Ben, as they always did. We were happy, as strange as our
relationship was we were happy in it. But it
wouldn
’
t stay platonic
forever. If he accidentally touched me I span out of control. I
ached for him and I was sure he felt the same way too. It was only
a matter of time. Then what though. Where would it end up? No one
knew about us. I was back in my insular world and that only spelt
trouble.

Round and
round the thoughts went, yes then no then back to
yes
…
on and on and on. There
wasn
’
t an answer. Jasper was
starting to get twitchy at my feet.
I
’
ll put it into
fate
’
s hands. Yes that
certainly seems like a logical plan I thought, the whole thing was
a mess, may as well throw another spanner into the works I thought
to myself.
“
Well here goes.
If Ben walks around the harbour wall in the next 7 minutes then I
am going to go with the whole Ben thing. If he
doesn
’
t then the Gods are
saying no and I promise this relationship
won
’
t go any
further
”
. I said this all as
loud as I could in my head. It was 2.34pm. And so I waited. Time
was ticking by slowly. A minute felt like an hour and I continued
to wait. 2.38pm - I was still waiting. 2.40pm - he was there,
striding around the corner along with Bethany on
Liam
’
s back and Thomas
kicking a penny floater. I had put our future in the Lap of the
Gods and here was their answer. I grinned at them all.
“
You okay mam?
”
Bethany asked.
“
Yes, just pleased to see
you
”
. As we walked back to
the car Ben caught up and walked with me
“
What
’
s
up?
”
he asked.
“
I
’
ll tell you about it sometime
”
I replied. He looked puzzled but said nothing.
As we were getting into the car our eyes did their customary lock
and I got the feeling that Ben understood. He smiled his biggest
smile at me.

There
’
s a Place for Us

On the
Monday at work, Keith rang. He explained how he felt terrible that
he couldn
’
t talk on
Saturday; that his girlfriend was quite possessive and jealous and
it was more hassle than it was worth. I listened to his crap. He
went on to say that he thought me and Thomas looked fantastic, how
grown up he was blah blah blah.
“
What about Bethany?
”
I asked.
“
What do
you mean what about Bethany?
”
he replied.
“
Well
you just ignored her!!
”
The
phone line went dead.

Half an hour
later he rang back.
“
Caz
I
’
m sorry, I thought she was
Thomas
’
s
girlfriend
”
. I was
stunned.
“
How
didn
’
t you recognise her
Keith, she is your daughter
”
. I was furious, and sad. Sad for Beth and to a certain
extent for Keith. How the fuck could he not recognise one single
thing in her beautiful face.
“
I don
’
t know Caz I
really don
’
t
know
”
. I
didn
’
t know what else to say
to him so I said nothing. Just quietly put the phone back on the
hook. Another secret for me to keep. No way would I tell Thomas or
Bethany about this one. Keith would be gone again so pointless
putting them through needless heartache. He
hadn
’
t even the decency to
ask about James. All Keith is is a fucking sperm donor I said to
myself.

Our lives
ticked on. Thomas got himself his first serious girlfriend,
Georgia. She was little and blonde and very demanding. I laughed at
this new side of Thomas, under the thumb. She stamped her foot and
he ran, he was totally smitten with her and so was I. She was funny
without meaning to be, typical blonde really. But you
couldn
’
t help but love her.
Our family extended again. The downside of Georgia was Emma,
Ben
’
s girlfriend, she was
Georgia
’
s best friend and
would turn up with Georgia on occasions and drag Ben and Thomas
out. The jealousy I felt was tangible, I could taste it in my
mouth. And I hated myself for feeling like that. He was young, this
is what he should be doing I said to myself. But the nasty taste in
my mouth would linger.