Somewhere Only We Know ....... (24 page)

I went to
bed but couldn
’
t sleep. I
was jealous of the unknown girl he had had sex with. The one who
had the badge of
“
popping
his cherry
”
, I was a nobody
in his life. Maybe I always would be. This was so much harder than
I had ever imagined. He was out there having fun and I was lying
here alone. Was this a relationship? Was he just using me for the
novelty factor? Was I being a fool? The thoughts just went round
and round in my head. My mobile bleeped again.

Ben

I love you x

Holding my mobile in my hand, I fell
asleep.

I
didn
’
t have to wait long to
hear who Ben had been with. Emma, good old reliable Emma who he
bounced back and forwards to. I was gutted, when it was a faceless
nameless person, I could just about cope, but knowing it was her
made it a painful experience and I
wasn
’
t shy in letting Ben
know. We had our first big fight.

I struggled
to recover, if Ben touched me I has inflamed with jealousy. His
hands were my hands, the thought of them all over someone
else
’
s body made me feel
physically sick. I would then tell myself off, how many men had I
been with and I expected Ben to cope with that, the evidence of my
sex life was right in front of his face in the shape of Thomas,
Beth and James. But I couldn
’
t help it. I was a pain in the arse. The only topic of
conversation I had with Ben was Emma and no matter what he said I
wasn
’
t happy.

We stepped
away from each other. I needed some healing time and he needed to
be away from me, I was suffocating him. When a huge bouquet of
flowers arrived at work with no card I knew they were from him.
They were beautiful and must have cost him a fortune, I picked up
my mobile and rang him.
“
Thank you, they are beautiful
”
I said.
“
I
’
m sorry
Caz
”
.
“
I know,
I
’
m not stupid Ben. I just
need a bit of time
”
. And so
I sent him away again.

My heart
broke. I was back to being lost and miserable. Of course no one
knew how I was feeling, I kept it all under wraps, but the nets
under the water were starting to feel heavy, the swan was swimming
a bit slower and I
’
m sure it
anyone looked close enough they would notice that the beautiful
swan had lost some of it
’
s
luster.

Life went
on. Thomas left school and enrolled at college, Bethany was
revising for her GCSE
’
s.
Liam was around all of the time but I
couldn
’
t see it lasting much
longer, she was so much more mature than he was and I could see she
was losing patience with him.

Beth and me
were friends again, I think she was always happier with me when Ben
wasn
’
t around. I still
couldn
’
t work out if it was
because she was jealous, or embarrassed or she thought he was
making a fool of me. We talked about everything, except
Ben.

James was
James. He was cheerful and popular and had a boat load of friends.
He was forever staying at a mate’s house or had a mate over. He was
a joy to be around.

And I went
through my life a shadow of the person I had been. I missed Ben
every minute of the day and in the night I would wake up in a cold
sweat. When the realisation that he
wasn
’
t around hit home, it
was like being punched in the stomach. It
didn
’
t get better with time,
it just stayed exactly as it was. Every day I climbed a mountain,
that mountain was my life.

Obviously I
heard snippets about Ben. I tried not to, but I heard. I would hear
Thomas saying that he was going somewhere with him, or that he was
meeting Georgia and they were meeting up with Ben and Emma. Because
that is where Ben went, back to Emma. And every time I heard
something about him, my stomach would tie up in knots. Through it
all I smiled and I laughed and I was everything everyone wanted me
to be. I just wasn
’
t what I
wanted to be.

Then he was
back again. I answered a knock on the door one Saturday morning and
he was standing there. It took my breath away. He came into the
kitchen and I made coffee.
“
I miss you
”
he
said.
“
Me
too
”
I replied. My heart was
pounding and as I sipped my coffee my hand shook.
“
I love
you
”
, it was the first time
he had ever said it, he had texted it often, but this was a
first.
“
I love you too, and
I
’
m sorry for loving you but
I do
”
. The tears were
running down my face,
“
I
don
’
t know what to
do
”
I went on.
“
Nothing, we do
nothing
”
. He came over to me
and wrapped his arms around me. We were back together
again.

We slipped
back into our relationship, but it seemed to be getting harder. Ben
was getting older, he went further a field and had nights out in
Newcastle with his mates. Invariably he would always end up
sleeping on my settee, but I was nervous and edgy. When his mobile
went my heart would sink. He didn
’
t do anything wrong, he was just growing up.

The sex was as good as ever, if not better.
As his experience grew we experimented, we enjoyed making each
other happy. I would dress up and surprise him and whereas before I
would let him lead, I was becoming the dominant one and he loved
it.

When there
was just the two of us we were so happy, but when there was anyone
around we sulked with each other. He would pick up on something I
said, or someone said about me and vice versa. In normal
relationships this can be cleared up quickly, but because we
weren
’
t normal, things
festered.

Emma was a
massive problem. She just never went away. She would ring him
crying about this or about that and he would listen. He said he
didn
’
t have a choice, maybe
he was right, but I struggled with the whole Emma situation and
within a matter of months we fell out again.

This became
the pattern of our lives. We couldn
’
t live together and we
couldn
’
t live apart. Even
when he was back with Emma he would text me every day. Not long
after we got together we had decided that if we wanted to text each
other
‘
I love
you
’
we would just send a
blank text, that way if anyone saw the text they would just think
it was a mistake. So every day he sent me blank texts and I would
send him a blank texts in return.

We just
couldn
’
t leave each other
alone. I swung between ecstasy and despair. We would meet up and go
for meals or rides in the car, have sex and fight. We made plans
for the future, we knew we couldn
’
t stay in Kinsley, so we talked about going to
Spain.

We would spend hours learning conversational
Spanish, which we were both useless at. But we managed to pick up a
few words and it gave us hope.

Somewhere
along the line, I had become Ben
’
s bit on the side. He was having an open relationship with
Emma and a secret one with me. I would see
Emma
’
s car parked outside
his house first thing in the morning when I was on my way to work
and I would feel sick. They spent almost every night together. As
big a fool as I felt, when he texted or turned up, I
couldn
’
t chase
him.

I looked at
other peoples relationships. My mam and dad, even with everything
they had gone through they were still together and fairly happy.
Scarlett was still with John, they
weren
’
t in each other’s
pockets but they spent occasional nights together and had had a few
holidays. I watched people at work, couples in supermarkets or at
the pub, why couldn
’
t I be
happy with someone my own age, or who was available or who
wasn
‘
t so fucking
complicated. Why couldn
’
t I
just make do!

I
couldn
’
t though, I was in
this thing up to my neck.

Bethany and Liam finished, even though it
was her idea she was still miserable. They had been together so
long she was lost without him at her side. When my mam and dad
suggested that we went on holiday with them, we were over the moon.
Their treat of course, two

weeks in the sun was just what the doctor
ordered.

We had a
great time. James grumbled that he would be bored, at almost 16 he
was all spots and moods, but he ended up having a fantastic time,
he was good at the mixing with others and made loads of friends on
the bus even before we got to the hotel.

Bethany was quieter. She was 18 and it was
me and her who spent a lot of time together. My mam and dad liked
to do the sightseeing thing, so me and Beth would laze by the pool
reading or have a mooch around the shops. We had a couple of nights
out on the town. It felt strange at first, out drinking with my
daughter, but as the cocktails flowed we had a ball.

Ben texted a
couple of times, but I tried to put him out of my mind. I think
Bethany must have seen my reaction when he texted because on the
third night we had out together she said
“
Mam, I
don
’
t know what you see in
him!
”
“
Who?
”
I said playing
ignorant, trying to swallow the vomit that had risen into my
throat.
“
Ben mam,
I
’
m not stupid.
I
’
ve known about it probably
from the beginning. I hate him for hurting
you!
”
she went on.
“
I
’
m sorry Beth
”
, I
cried.

She came
over and wrapped her arms around me.
“
It
’
s ok, I just hated being lied
to
”
. The conversation went
on for the rest of the night. I apologised, I cried, she cried when
she realised how deep my feelings were for him. I unburdened the
past couple of years onto my 18 year old
daughter
’
s shoulders.
“
You are so beautiful and kind and
clever and funny, I couldn
’
t
understand why you were wasting your time on him.
I
’
m pleased you have talked
mam. I
’
m still not happy but
at least I understand. If he makes you happy then
that
’
s fine. But talk to me
mam, don
’
t bottle it all up
and be miserable. What I don
’
t understand is how Thomas
hasn
’
t noticed, but
that
’
s lads for
you.
”
she smiled.

I
didn
’
t want our holiday to
end. I was so grateful to Bethany for making me open up. I felt
like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But as the plane
got nearer and nearer to home the guilt started to set in. My poor
Bethany had had to listen to the gory details of her
mam
’
s and her
brother
’
s
mates
’
relationship. As
quickly as I had opened up, I closed again. Enough, she had had
enough. I wasn
’
t putting any
more of this on her. She was the child, not the other way
around.

By the time
we got home Thomas and Georgia had split up. Me and Bethany were
gutted, she had been part of the family for so long, it felt
strange without her. First Liam and now Georgia,
“
when James brings a girl home
I
’
m not going to get
attached
“
, I said to
myself
“
young love and all
of that
”
and of course I
thought of Ben.

We slipped back into our old routine. He was
still with Emma but still managed to spend quite a bit of time with
me. We were expert in quickies and to be honest that was all we
needed. He just needed to be near me and I was ready for him, as
soon as he was inside me I would start coming and that would set
him off. We lasted about 2 minutes, but it was all we needed, our
fix of each other.